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Review of Heart in a Cage  
Review by Purple Princess Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  
Rated: E ★★★★★ | (4.0)
Review brought to you by:
"Game of Thrones"   by Gaby Author Icon

Rhythm/Rhyme:
Some stanzas had good rhyme and flow from one to the next. The others had longer sentences and pulled away from the flow as you worked to convey feelings of love and longing.

Summary:
Time moves every so slowing as she waits, longing for the one she loves to remember her, to return, almost begging the clock to move swiftly and willing him back to her.

Critique:
I love romantic pieces and you had some really good stanzas filled with emotion about love and longing. I understood what you were trying to convey. When it came to the clock and how time was being cruel as she waiting, willing the hands to move faster, it got a little lost. There is a point where if felt like she loved the hands of time, that she loved the clock. But the next stanza returns to the longing and wondering if he has finally recognized that they belong together. The reference to her heart being in a cage was used well, brought images of someone being stuck, not knowing how to move forward, as if their entire being was locked in that cage waiting for love to come claim her. Write on!

Review brought to you by:
"Game of Thrones"   by Gaby Author Icon
House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.
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Review of Preface  
Review by Purple Princess Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  
Rated: 13+ ★★★★★ | (3.5)
Review brought to you by:
"Game of Thrones"   by Gaby Author Icon

PLOT -
The King and his men are surrounded and he has a choice to make.

SETTING -
There is room for improvement here. When you are working on scene through one characters point of view, try closing your eyes to see what they see/hear/feel/smell and describe it. What does fear feel like? Is silence a scary thing?

CHARACTERS -
The Dark Prince, not much is known about him only that he requests the Kings surrender and then kills him.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING/DIALOGUE -
He stands in silence and looks around[comma] Llooking [maybe try searching since you've just used look] for even a hint of anything out of sort.

His heart is racing not sure what, but something doesn't feel right. --order of words--His heart is racing, something doesn't feel right, but he's not sure what could be wrong.---or something to that affect.

Joining Bart a short distance from the others.--fragment, add more or attach it to the previous sentence.

Ready to turn back and skip this area, just head back home. --attach to previous sentence with a comma

The brittle grass snaps under the heavy steps of his boots. Clothed in a long black cape.--Clothed in a long black cape, the brittle grass snaps under the heavy steps of his boots.--it has better flow this way.

"My, oh my, fellows look what we have here," he replies as he wrings his hands.--since he is the first to speak, it's not a reply, try he says

Aedan looks for a [two words] way out

As a matter of fact, may be<--maybe, one word-- even a little more than you can even fathom.

He grabsGrabbing the hilt of his sword and pierces the king's chest.

THOUGHTS -
The story moved quickly, with a lot of information involved in it. Think about adding a little backstory. Why is the King there? Where are they headed? Slow some of the pivotal parts down. You have room to do this and make it stand out. When working with dialog, it heightens the scene when actions go along with it, the sound of the voices, happy/sad/bitter/angry/etc. Keep working. You have a good imagination. Write on!
House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.

This would be my name.
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Review of Might Have Been  
Review by Purple Princess Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  
Rated: 18+ ★★★★★ | (4.5)
Review brought to you by:
"Game of Thrones"   by Gaby Author Icon

PLOT -
Roxy and Tony are co-workers, who share intimate glances during working hours, but never go further than that. The attraction is evident with every glance they share. Tony just cannot put himself out there and tell her how he really feels, but one night at the bar and a few drinks, his inhibitions take over and he finds the courage to make his move.

SETTING -
Good insight into Tony's feelings, how he tries to control them, and the descriptions of Roxy, all the way down to her stiletto heels. It was great seeing her through his eyes. You had her described perfectly. Even in the bathroom stall it was like having a birds eye view of this couple.

CHARACTERS -
Tony likes women, but has trouble expressing his feelings to them, especially to Roxy. She is that one woman that takes his breath away, and makes him tongue tied and shy, the one he wishes he could speak to and find out if they are compatible.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING/DIALOGUE -
Their bodies pressed together against the flimsy wall of the poorly lit stall, breathing hardly do you mean hard?

THOUGHTS -
Good solid story of a work place romance. When their co-workers started looking for them, I really thought they were going to be interrupted and not get to finish what they started. Nice happy ending. Write on!
House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.

This would be my name.
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Review by Purple Princess Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  
Rated: 18+ ★★★★★ | (5.0)
Review brought to you by:
"Game of Thrones"   by Gaby Author Icon

PLOT -
Lou can't help but rush off to help his secretary, Gloria, with her latest dilemma. He follows the trail and the clues from last nights murder, hoping to find the real killer. Being in Lenny's secret club he runs across a man who gives him a strange vibe. The cigarette girl shows so much cleavage he cannot help but notice her, and notice what transpires soon afterword.

SETTING -
Good descriptions of when Gloria came into the office crying, to the things he picked up on in Lenny's and then to the crime scene were enough to get a picture in my mind.

CHARACTERS -
Gloria always seems to find trouble, and Lou likes to bail her out, having feelings for her he hasn't acted upon. Lou is a PI in the 1930's, and is good at his job.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING/DIALOG -
Dialog was great, taking the reader back to that time period with the use of certain words and phrases. Great job here.

THOUGHTS -
I really enjoyed your detective and how he pieced things together, following little leads that made him suspicious of the well-dressed man. He has a subtle sense of humor as he goes about things. I loved how he convinced Bruno to let him through the secret door into the club. Good, strong characters. Glad to see there are more entries into this series of your detective. I'll definitely come back to see where the relationship between Gloria and Lou head. Write on!
House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.

This would be my name.
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Review of First Love  
Review by Purple Princess Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  
Rated: E ★★★★★ | (5.0)
Review brought to you by:
"Game of Thrones"   by Gaby Author Icon


GRAMMAR/SPELLING/DIALOGUE -
But because he spoke against dead religion and the ignorance of those that practiced itthink this needs a comma here evil men afraid of losing their power plotted to destroy him.

THOUGHTS -
Powerful piece about religion, how things were, and what sacrifices Jesus Christ made save to our souls. You brought up many worthy points, with a clear history of the way his life played out. It's sad really what fear does to drive people to act out, with no other clear motive for their actions. I agree with you about love being the underlying factor. We must learn to love one another if there is every to be any true peace, not just in the world, but within ourselves. It's so easy to forget what has come before and learn from those mistakes. Instead, we tend to learn about them, forget them, and repeat. It's a nasty pattern that continues to shape and mold the way things happen here on Earth. If more people embraced his teachings, learned to forgive one another and embrace their differences the world would be in much better shape. Great insight your views and the changes your life has taken by embracing Jesus. I also agree with you about finding a church, or place of worship that welcomes you. So many times people just go to one out of obligation and gain nothing for it. There is so much learn, and love above all else is a great place to start. Thanks for sharing this piece. Happy Birthday!! Write on!
House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.

This would be my name.
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Review of The Day Men  
Review by Purple Princess Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  
Rated: E ★★★★★ | (3.0)
Review brought to you by:
"Game of Thrones"   by Gaby Author Icon
House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.


PLOT -
An inside look into men's lives and their interactions with one another, or not.

SETTING -
When Ted enters the kitchen you did good with describing him and how he acted. The rest of the piece was mostly 'telling.'

CHARACTERS -
Jim can pinpoint his faults and list them effortlessly. Ted is Jim's landlord and usually makes coffee for Jim on the weekends. He's confused about his sister's pregnancy and the fact that she won't marry the father of her baby. Jerry is on vacation.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING/DIALOGUE -
passing the hours of the day avoiding the traps that<--2 options here: capitalize Passing, add a comma between day and avoiding, OR use a comma before 'passing'

Dreams are slippery and there is no telling how far the fall will be or what is at the end, if there is an end.

Jim looked qt/at Ted with recognition thqt/that something true had been spoken.

THOUGHTS -
The segue's from one man to the next are confusing. If you added a little backstory about out their lives have crossed over the decades it would make it easier to understand why Jerry was added in at the end. When writing dialog, if the person thinking is different from the person talking, start a new paragraph. Each portion of conversation should be separated with a space. I didn't understand the connection to the dreams. This is how your piece starts and there should be a tie in there somewhere else in the story. When there is a point of view shift, it's important to let the reader know, either by extra spacing, using CAPS, or some kind of line break that makes the transition smooth. You have room to expand this and really drive home your point and the connection between the three men and how dreams tie into daily life. Write on!

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Review of Final Goodbye  
Review by Purple Princess Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  
Rated: 13+ ★★★★★ | (5.0)
Review brought to you by:
"Game of Thrones"   by Gaby Author Icon
House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.


PLOT -
As someone touched but this horrible disease I found myself crying by the end. I watched my grandfather go through this for ten years and the heartache of it all is still raw. I could identify with Sam, and what that moment was like when Helena responded to him.

SETTING -
I loved how Sam saw her, thinking he didn't stand a chance with the beautiful cheerleader, only to get to marry her and spend their life together. You brought a lot of emotions out, and the images floating in my mind of the two of them were very sweet.

CHARACTERS -
Helena moved on to fulfilling her medical dream and becoming a neuro surgeon one of the saddest thing is that while she had the ability to save others lives, she couldn't save herself. Sam was a doting husband, and although it pained him to put her into a home, he did the right thing, getting her the care she needed.

THOUGHTS -
What a gripping piece of writing. Excitement for Sam when he gets his dream girl, sad that they couldn't have children, yet happy that their love for one another outweighed everything else. Even when Helena didn't even know who he was, he was there for her. You had me crying, so engrossed in their love story. Love is the key to everything in this world, it's what gives us the drive and determination to put one foot in front of the other. Great story. Thanks for sharing it. Write on! Happy Account Anniversary!!

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Review by Purple Princess Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  
Rated: 13+ ★★★★★ | (4.5)
Review brought to you by:
"Game of Thrones"   by Gaby Author Icon
House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.


PLOT -
An open and honest piece about religion, your life, and what it means to you. You have good grasp of the things, finding humor in certain things, and I imagine in others as well. I grew up Catholic as well, but now I basically dance to the beat of my own drummer, well to that of my Creator. It shocks people senseless not to claim one a religion.

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT -
I'm sorry you felt like an outsider. It boggles my mind to this day how people can be so cruel to one another. I believe it's usually fear or a closed mind that does this. What else could it be? I loved the story of the women and men in the group finding out your husband does the cooking. Mine can cook as well, and any chance I get I hand that duty off. He's better than I am at, he enjoys it, I don't. Of course I do my part when I must. I am glad that you didn't feel the need to change that dynamic of your relationship. I kept waiting for you to say that it wasn't really anyone's business who did the cooking in your home. I've grown into that kind of thinking lately. I don't think we were meant to be put into a box, but spending your time judges others is such a waste of time, besides it's not their/our job. I suppose I consider myself a little different, like you, but I prefer to use the word 'unique.' Try it on for size. I swear it gives you something to smile about when referencing yourself that way. We all have gifts, and I'm glad you've found yours. There is nothing better than being inspired by someone else, especially when needed the most. I hope you continue to be a free thinker, there are so many worse things one could be. Nice job relaying your experiences, finding humor in life, and continuing on your path. Nothing wrong with doing things that make you happy. Write on!
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Review by Purple Princess Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  
Rated: 13+ ★★★★★ | (4.5)
Review brought to you by:
"Game of Thrones"   by Gaby Author Icon
House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.


What I read ~
A town legend has three boys curious enough to go in search of it, at night, in the local cemetery. Most people shy away from going all the way to the back, even knowing the tale of the golden sword buried there for anyone to find and claim. The boys, though scared, still take a chance, but what happens next has them running, only to return to finish the quest.

What stood out ~
Good narrative throughout, from the young boys point of view, to now an old man reminiscing about his childhood and what changed everything for him and his friends. I liked catching glimpses of his memories, how he saw things now, verses what happened during that time in his life.

Things to work on ~
Those that pass the cemetary/cemetery at night swear they have seen green glimmering thing out that way after dark.~~things perhaps?

We went right up to the headstone.

~There is also one point where the word 'grinned' is in bold, and is moved from the sentence it belongs with.


Personal Impressions ~
I liked the tale of the golden sword. Just a little bit scary enough to keep the reader wondering what will happen next. The friendships were good as were the descriptions of the Sullivan boys and how they attained their nicknames. It all had a good outcome, except for Soupy, who of course led them back to the cemetery to find what they were looking for. Write on!

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Review of First Flight  
Review by Purple Princess Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  
Rated: E ★★★★★ | (4.5)
Review brought to you by:
"Game of Thrones"   by Gaby Author Icon
House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.


What I read ~
Poor Jackson is ready for his first flight, and even though the stewardess tries to put him at ease, telling him flying is safer than driving, his eventful ride to the airport only makes him more nervous. I could picture him being scared as he boarded the plane with the descriptions you used.

What stood out ~
Good visuals of his death grip on the hand rests as the plane took off, pressing upon the point that this first flight isn't something he looked forward to at all. His seat mate was funny with his little comment about flying be boring, a total contrast to what Jackson is going through. Good job getting all of this into a short piece for the Daily Flash Fiction Challenge.

Personal Impressions ~
When the captain made his announcement I was wondering where this piece was headed. A crash? An announcement that there's a problem already and they will be turning around. It was so funny to find out that the screaming over the intercom was all caused by a cup of piping hot coffee in the captain's lap. Ouch! But even funnier still was poor Jackson. Not only were his words cracking me up, but the thought of what his poor seat mate must be thinking as he comments to what the captain had to say with a little tidbit of his own. Classic! Nicely done and under the word contest word count. Write On!

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Review by Purple Princess Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  
Rated: ASR ★★★★★ | (4.0)
Review brought to you by:
"Game of Thrones"   by Gaby Author Icon
House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.


What I read ~
A newlywed couple is finding it difficult to find time together. Susie goes to her mother for advice and her mother suggests going to church on Jake's one day off from work. After agreeing to try out to be youth ministers, the couple find out how difficult abstinence can really be.

What stood out ~
I loved Jake's descriptions of why they only made it through 29 days. Each description or shall I say excuse, had me laughing. Isn't it always the littlest of things that tend to push us on?

Things to work on ~
"No, No we were okay, -- you used the No, No twice. I think either it should be No, no - or No. No we were okay. The caps together that way don't look right.

Personal Impressions ~
Cute story. If fidgeting is a way to show a lack of sex, then man I really need to be paying more attention to my surroundings! I liked how the best to distract Jake was to hit the grocery store, as everything Susie seemed to be doing at home was only making it worse for him. I had a nice visual of the pair dashing out of the story not being able to stand it for one more minute. I laughed every time Jake gave the Pastor more insight into the reasons why they couldn't hold out any longer. And especially that they are no longer welcome at the grocery store. Solid story. Write on!

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Review of Double Wide  
Review by Purple Princess Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  
Rated: 18+ ★★★★★ | (4.5)
Review brought to you by:
"Game of Thrones"   by Gaby Author Icon

House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.


What I read ~
Ah a real trip to the Walmart. Nobody does it better from what I've witnessed myself and you made that point very clear. The poem had good flow and the rhyme scheme from one stanza to the next were spot on.

What stood out ~
I must say there was a lot that caught my attention. The imagery of those leopard print leggings with a neon green thong screaming out from beneath is still sitting in my mind and I can't get the image out! Once I finished reading, and laughing I noticed the picture you included for this poem and that delivered as well.

Things to work on ~
I could find nothing that should be changed. The entire poem worked as the story unfolded of how he found his double-wide.

Personal Impressions ~
I am still laughing over the last stanza. You incorporated the perceptions for Rednecks wonderfully. Good comedic timing throughout. I'm still surprised he abandoned his cart of beer, so she really must have been something. One little trip to the store and it turned into a lifelong relationship. Stranger things have happened. One never knows what one will find on a trip to Walmart. For you found the inspiration to write and share this unique poem. I don't think I will be forgetting this one any time soon. Now that's staying power! Nicely done. Write on!

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Review by Purple Princess Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  
Rated: 13+ ★★★★★ | (5.0)
*NoteV* Story ~
Adam wakes and finds he cannot get out of his room no matter how hard he tries. The door won't budge, the windows are stuck, he has no phone, and his neighbors prefer to pretend like no one else lives in the building.
{c}
*NoteG* Characters ~
Emma is the little girl who appears and helps Adam figure out what's going on. She's miserable, with a sense of humor and doesn't beat around the bush at all. Very direct for a child, which is very refreshing. Adam is stunned to learn of his fate. He asks the right questions, but Emma can only give him so much in the form of an answer, directing him to his path. The pair form a slight friendship because of their circumstances, Adam giving Emma something she hasn't had in a long time, someone who shows an interest in her for a change.

*NoteV* Issues ~
The absence of a lock made it fair to guess that the door led into and adjoining room instead of a public hallway.

*green**NoteG* Impressions ~
Intriguing tale about death and the afterlife, asking all of the right questions, but not being able to answer them fully. How much does one believe, and if the things one believes happens after death is really how it is? You have two strong characters that made it easy to become engrossed in the tale. The added elements of humor helped to make this story memorable as well. It definitely gets you thinking, wondering about what comes next. Thanks for sharing this one. I really enjoyed it. Write on!
{c}
"Game of Thrones"   by Gaby Author Icon

House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.

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Review by Purple Princess Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  
Rated: E ★★★★★ | (4.5)
*NoteV* Story ~
Charlie lives with Ben, who fixes clocks for a living. Ben comes home and begins to tell him a tale of the richest man in London being locked in his house and in need of rescuing. Ben relays the tale as he collects his tools and asks Charlie to take notes because he thinks it will be a good story.
{c}
*NoteG* Characters ~
Ben and Charlie have a nice, steady, and humorous rapport. Charlie does tend to be annoyed with all of the tools and clock parts that clutter the apartment. They are funny pair, excited about things as they speak with each other. Charlie tends to interrupt Ben when he tells a story, and Charlie's inner dialog was perfect, adding to the dynamics of the story.

*NoteV* Issues ~
But leaving aside the all the grand adventures and capital the air fleet represented
~~This was the only issue I found. The only thing I would mention would be the over use of exclamation points. Other than that, the story had great flow and descriptions.

*green**NoteG* Impressions ~
I enjoyed this story. You had enough going on that pulled me in as a reader and makes me want to read the next chapter. The time period worked well. The dialog took me back to that place and time. I loved the humor you incorporated into the story. You described Ben very well, I could picture him frenzied going through what he would need to go rescue the family trapped inside their house. A little suspense going on as well. Write on!
{c}
"Game of Thrones"   by Gaby Author Icon

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Review by Purple Princess Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  
Rated: E ★★★★★ | (3.5)
*NoteV* Story ~
Three friends sit on their usual park bench talking after college finals. On occasion they don't to seem to have a lot in common, but I've discovered how wrong my as
{c}

*NoteG* Characters ~
Johnny's character is newly introduced. He's a basketball player, good enough to have dreams of playing in the NBA, but his skills when it comes to school are at the bottom of the totem pole. Tim is back, mostly paying attention to what's being said and giving Johnny an ego boost.

*NoteV* Issues ~
Don't think I failed but I don't think I scored to too high either."

I think your sentence structure could use some work. Some are too long, and there is overuse of the ellipsis'. You can do without most of them.

*NoteG* Impressions ~
I wondered with Tim and Johnny looked like. I did get good insight into their personalities, but not enough detail to have a good picture in my mind for either of them.

I liked that Johnny stepped up to help T. There's nothing like getting honest feedback from the ones closest to us. You have all you need to really make this an intriguing story. Remember to try and picture the scene, write the things that are going on around your main character. You have your characters thoughts down. What about their mannerisms? How do they react with things that being said by their peers? Adding all of these little elements into your story. When you switch from one character talking to the next, remember to use a new paragraph letting your reader know there's a change coming with someone speaking.
{c}.
"Game of Thrones"   by Gaby Author Icon

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Review by Purple Princess Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  
Rated: E ★★★★★ | (3.5)
*NoteV* Story ~
Two friends sit on a park bench mulling over life and discussing how random things that happen in the world are.

*NoteG* Characters ~
Tim likes to ponder everything going on around him, tries to dig deep and figure out if there are patterns or not. T has a sense of humor, but loves to try and prove Tim wrong, if possible, and goes out the way to do so.

*NoteV* Issues ~
"Everything. It’s all random." Still fixated on whatever he was looking at "You see them over there?" He pointed to the old couple. <--this can go one of two ways. ," he said still fixated...or ...whatever he was looking and said, "You see

[line break]"Yeah, I see em', what does that have to do with random?"

"Just look at them, they're so happy together and they've probably been together for a long
Time, I bet they think they're <--no cap on Time and it the sentence is broken up.

"Ok, you're probably right about that one but, I don't see <--comma goes before 'but'

he turned back to look at the old couple <--capitalize He

*NoteG* Impressions ~
It's an interesting concept. Writing conversations can be a little bit difficult. Think about adding more dialog tags as well as T's thoughts on things. Does T react to what Tim is saying? Show that. What's the weather like? Is the grass dying or a vibrant green. use description to really pull your reader in so that they can picture the scene as if it were playing out like a movie in their mind. You have five senses you can incorporate into your writing. The more you add, the more well rounded the story becomes.
{c}
"Game of Thrones"   by Gaby Author Icon

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Review by Purple Princess Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E ★★★★★ | (5.0)
*NoteV* What worked ~
I loved this interview with Witchy Yule Woman Author IconMail Icon. It is clear you'd done your homework and knew enough about her to ask some interesting questions as well as getting feedback from her that was solid.
*ThumbsUpL*



*NoteV* Impressions ~
Through your interview questions I realized I learned so much about her that I didn't know about. She was very open and honest, didn't beat around the bush about anything, when she could have. I love the quote, 'dance like no one's watching." How insightful this must have been for you to get an in depth look into someone from writing.com. We always find people on site that we click with, chat with, but how often do we really take the time to get to know them on a deeper, more personally level? You did that with your clear questions that left room for more than just a few words for response. I liked that you didn't just tell us what activities Lyn was into, but linked everything so that anyone through the interview had easy access and could check out the activities if they chose to do so. My only complaint was that I found myself wanting to know more, which is always a good thing! Thanks for keeping this in your port so that others can catch a glimpse into Lyn's world.

And if I forgot to say it earlier on my last review...Happy 15 Years on WdC!!! Enjoy your special day.


"Game of Thrones"   by Gaby Author Icon

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Review by Purple Princess Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR ★★★★★ | (3.0)
*NoteV* What worked ~
Emotional piece about abuse, not an easy thing to write about so kudos to you for going for it. Movies have a tendency to portray the happily every after, which isn't always a bad thing. But it gives us expectations of what our romantic lives should entail, which makes relationships even more difficult sometimes. It's difficult for people in abusive situations to not blame themselves for the actions of their abusers. I was glad to see that you pointed that out, and had your main character reassure herself that she wasn't at fault.
*ThumbsUpL*


*NoteG* What didn't ~
There is an inconsistency with where she is. The story begins with her in the bathroom, but it's never clear she's left there until she's out of the house. There are moments where you can add to the physical and emotional pain of your main character, why she decides that today is the day she is standing up for herself. Giving your main character a name makes a connection with your reader.

*NoteV* Impressions ~
I liked the new rules your main character impressed upon herself for future relationships, never a bad thing in my opinion. She had the strength to walk out, to see the way things were going, what she wanted, and what she didn't. As for Prince Charming, I think our perception of him could be changed. Write on!


"Game of Thrones"   by Gaby Author Icon

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Review by Purple Princess Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  
Rated: 18+ ★★★★★ | (3.0)
Part One:
It was hard to care about your couple, or get into the action of what was taking place between them. Sometimes the flow is smooth, and it's easy to follow, and then things skip ahead and it becomes jarring. You excel at descriptions, but because much of the story is told, it falls flat.

Part Two:
You gave enough reasons for why your second couple have things standing in between them before they take this huge step in their relationship.

Erotic Elements:
This began with Ted stroking up her leg in caresses that vibrated all through Sonia, which was good. In the very next sentence, somehow, she has already passed climax. I'm not saying climax cannot happen that quickly, what I am saying is that if you are going to write about it, you need to slow the scene down, and SHOW your reader what is happening, step by step. There is no pay off if we are told it happened and we don't get to watch the climb unfold.

Suggestions:
Yours:
Ted takes a moment to look at Sonia and all he can think about is taking her clothes off and his mind is made up. Before, Sonia could say anymore, Ted pulls out the blanket they packed for their picnic in the middle of the clearing, he sweeps Sonia off her feet and places her on the blanket lying down. Continuing where they left off with a kiss Ted runs his fingers up her leg, Sonia lets out a squeal of pleasure while she digs her nails into Ted’s back, saying breathlessly, “Ted your fingers are sending vibrations through my body.”

Example:
Ted stares at Sonia, his eyes trailing down her well-toned body and all he can think about is what lies beneath that dress. He knows all too well how her breasts are still perky, and that one sweep of his thumb over her nipple and it will turn hard instantly. He knows that if he lets his mouth wander down her chest to her stomach, that Sonia will moan his name by the time he reaches her bellybutton. He swallows hard, the growing bulge in his pants making it impossible to be this far away from her. Before Sonia could say anymore, Ted pulled out the blanket they packed for their picnic. He sweeps Sonia off her feet and places her on the blanket, gently lying her down. Continuing where they left off with a kiss Ted runs his fingers up her leg in a feather light caress, up and down, inching higher to the apex of her thighs.

Other Issues:
~You do not need to include dialog tags every time someone speaks, especially when it's two people having a conversation. If you are going to include them, put your strong descriptions to good use with them.

Sonia looks at the beauty of the discovery, turns to Ted. , saying, “This place is beautiful. Did you know it was here?”

Ted looks back at Sonia with the biggest smile, replying, “No, I didn’t. This place is amazing. Be quiet for a minute, Sonia. Tell me what you hear.”

~Sometimes the tags interfere with the flow of your story. You can skip them from time to time and focus on what is happening with them and around your characters, drawing your reader more into the action of the story itself.
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Review by Purple Princess Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  
Rated: 18+ ★★★★★ | (3.0)
Assignment:

This is the first time Santos has experienced a woman taking him by surprise, pulling away for a moment he wanted to see this woman through her eyes which is the gateway to the soul. Some clarity he felt was needed because he just met this woman and this is the first date, he did not want to take advantage of her. He can feel this rush of energy through his body, feeling like it is running through his veins. The smell of her hair reminds him of lilacs which he grows on his property. At this moment he has decided that there is such a thing as fate which certain people are meant to be together.<<--this entire paragraph is told like a third person commentator when it starts, before switching to Santos. They are in the middle of a pivotal scene, but it isn't active. For instance, think about the first sentence being active like: They say the eyes are the gateway to the soul, and looking into hers, being almost consumed by the intensity he found there had him believing it. He could hardly look away, nor did he want to, because in that moment, he could see right into her very being.


Santos brushes a stray piece of wavy red hair from Jade’s face, while looking into her eyes, he says, “Jade, have you heard of the twin flame?”

“No. What is it?”

“From the research I have done, it is the most intense relationship you can have with anyone. I want to know everything about you. It seems crazy that I hardly know you except,” taking

Jade’s hand he kisses it while looking in her eyes in the emotional connection, he continues, “I feel words do not satisfy the true feelings, I am having difficulty expressing things that are meant to be felt.” This is a bit choppy. I believe taking was supposed to be with this paragraph as well. Santos takes her hand and kisses it, all the while still lost in her eyes. Write that. Write what her hand feels like in his, pressed to his lips, etc. Watch the overuse of the word feel/felt, instead of saying it, show it.

“I feel like I am on a high which seems to go on and on. When I look into your eyes, I am not sure how this is even possible, it is like I can see a part of myself within you. Does that make any sense? Is this part of the twin flame thing, you mentioned earlier?” Twinflames/twinsouls are a huge concept. If she's never heard of it before, you need to give a better explanation of it. It makes no sense to have her get it immediately and believe he's the other half of her soul.

A wave of happiness like no other has found Santos in the most happiest state he has ever been in. He replies, “Yes. It is what I read. To experience it, I believe this may be it. I like how you express how you feel with me openly, you have a way words and I like it. Santos has the biggest perma smile on his face, he feels like a teenager again.

As Santos goes in for another kiss, he stops to admire her skin on her beautiful face. She is not wearing any makeup, with his finger, he touches her from her forehead down her nose, trailing her cheeks, and back to her lips, her skin is so soft to the touch. He likes the white tank top she is wearing with an elephant on the front with her black capris, and silver sandals; curious about why she does not wear any jewelry.

Connecting with her lips for the second time, he can taste the mint on her breath as he is opening his mouth to her. His intention is to be gentle and take his time, he feels lost in the depths where only Jade and himself exist and his need to express how he feels is strong and over powering him; there is no thinking, only feeling each other. His arms wrap around Jade in close to him feeling her closeness against him. His hands are running through her fire-red wavy hair which she wears loose down to her shoulders with a part in the middle. Thoughts are running through his head about many things he would like to do with Jade which he cannot in a public place. Gently nipping at her lips, he says breathlessly, “Can I take you to dinner? I want to get to know you better and what better way than to have some food and conversation.”

Sounding just as breathless as Santos, Jade replies, “I would like that.”

~~If there is excitement Santos feels being with Jade, show that. Like the sentence you used that starts...thoughts are running through his head about...try something like...thoughts race through his mind about the things he would like to do with Jade if they weren't in a public place....make it current, in the moment, show your reader that. Telling the entire story this way keeps your reader on the outside. You want your reader to identify with your characters and feel as if they are part of the action.
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Review by Purple Princess Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  
Rated: 18+ ★★★★★ | (3.0)
Part One:
You have a great grasp of your characters for this class. There is enough information for you to work from for the rest of the lessons. Looking forward to see what you have in store for the four of them.

Part Two:
You have the emotions from Jade narrowed down well. A lot of what you wrote is told.

Suggestions:
Yours:
Jade walks over to Santos and while he is still drinking from the fountain, she drinks from the fountain as well. Slowly, moving her lips to his for the first time, she can see the surprised look on his face, which is a welcoming look and encourages her to continue. Water is dripping down both their faces while the feeling in Jade urges her to take her tongue licking the water from his lips, slowly at first. She feels the burning passion of desire for this man running through her veins, when their lips meet it is an explosion of desire expands she welcomes it within her. Their lips seem to be made for each other, his lips fitting perfectly on her mouth, she feels alive in this moment.

Example:
Jade walks over to Santos while he is still drinking from the fountain. She bends down and shares the cool stream of water with him, her eyes glued to him, wondering how he will react to her being so forward. Slowly, moving her lips to his for the first time, she can see the surprised look on his face, which is welcoming and encourages her to continue. Water is dripping down both their faces, and the urge to lick the water from his lips overwhelms her. Unable to stop herself, she juts out her tongue and catches the water on his chin, moving up toward his awaiting lips. Burning passionate desire for this man swamps her sense, pulsing through her veins. When their lips meet it is an explosion of expanding hunger she welcomes Their lips seem to be made for each other, his fitting perfectly on her mouth. In this one moment, she is alive.

Other Issues:
"Jade! Hi, it is so glad to see you."~~so good to see you?

She watches his how his ebony black hair keeps falling in his face because of the wind.


~~Think about making the story more active and enticing to your reader. You are writing from your characters point of view, from their perspective. Picture yourself in their shoes. Include what they feel, see, hear, smell, taste, etc. Telling about it doesn't let your reader enjoy what your characters experience. Adding detail, slowing these pivotal scenes down bring your reader into the story and along for the same ride.

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Review by Purple Princess Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ ★★★★★ | (4.5)
PLOT -
Rebecca tries hard to reach her husband, but he doesn't answer. He walks through the house as if in a daze, going through the motions, but never speaks a word.


SETTING -
I could picture what was happening throughout the story. I did wonder how Rebecca truly felt at this point. Was she worried or frustrated? Or was it just her will to reach her husband that kept that pleasant demeanor pushing through? The opening scene with the mountains and sunrise was picture perfect.


CHARACTERS -
Ted is living in silence and Rebecca is determined to do whatever it takes to reach him again.His partner, Jim can't seem to pull him back either, but a little information seems to pique Ted's curiosity. It is easy to see how much Rebecca loves her husband by the tenderness she shows him.


THINGS TO THINK ABOUT -{c:grape
This one left me with questions. Why doesn't he speak? What exactly happened to Ted to make him shut down this way? I did like that there was a smile and tears at the end, which leads me to believe he's listening to all that's being said and just maybe hope is still alive that he won't shut down completely.


{center}~~~Please remember the comments and suggestions are my personal opinion. If you disagree with anything I've said, toss it out. Take the things that work for you! Happy writing!!~~~


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Review of My Angel  
Review by Purple Princess Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ ★★★★★ | (4.0)
PLOT -
Joanne recalls the horrible day her beloved left her. She doesn't sleep well, and cannot stop thinking about Christian.


SETTING -
You described the scene about the accident in great detail that I could picture it playing out. There were good elements in regards to the intruder being in the house, as well as when the Angel appears to lend a hand.


CHARACTERS -
I felt disconnected from Joanne. She is your main character, yet she is detached from the emotions of the situation she in. I wondered about the loss, the heartache it caused her, and then the terror of finding an intruder in her home. These emotions didn't come through for me.


GRAMMAR/SPELLING/DIALOGUE -
~When more police finally arrived on the scene I refused to be let go and had to literally be dragged from his still warm body.
~Although a smile lingered on my lips.~~this is a fragment


THINGS TO THINK ABOUT -
Loss is a very powerful emotion. It can be paralyzing, can grip your heart so tight sometimes it's impossible to breathe, to think, makes you lose focus. It can plague your mind and keep you from functioning at certain times. Just like the fear of confronting a stranger in your own home can make you tremble with fear, or freeze in place. I wanted to connect with Joanne, to feel what she was going through, to identify with all that was happening in the story you have created.

For instance: She realizes Christian is there, saving her. Think about the overwhelming emotions that would rob you of breath, the tears, the fight of your mind trying to his presence, being overjoyed to feel his touch after so long a time. Slowing down the scenes to incorporate the emotional aspects of the story you have would really add a layer of depth and capture your readers undivided attention.



~~~Please remember the comments and suggestions are my personal opinion. If you disagree with anything I've said, toss it out. Take the things that work for you! Happy writing!!~~~


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Review by Purple Princess Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ ★★★★★ | (3.5)
PLOT -
Jackie finds an old photo and begins a search with the hep of her friend Rhonda to find the owner. Their discovery leads to a heartwarming story to reunite a family.


SETTING -
There wasn't a lot of descriptive elements in this one, but there was a lot of detail when it came to the background story of the picture itself.


CHARACTERS -
Jackie and Rhone are life long friends that love a good mystery. They both like finding things and searching for the answers. Finding the picture and going in search of the three children that were in it connects both women with a family and new friendships are formed.


GRAMMAR/SPELLING/DIALOGUE -
~Hurrying along Maxwell Street toward The Daily Star.~ this is a fragment, combine it with the following sentence to complete it.
~On closer inspection, she saw that it was a photo caught in the grate and walked over to gently pulled it loose.
~"Sorry Jackie, I have to take another call, but I'll get back to meyou on this."
~"No problem, I loved doing it, Rhonda,"
~It was quite a surprise and a shock to see this picture on the front page of The Daily Star!~~earlier in the story you mentioned it was published on page six.


THINGS TO THINK ABOUT -
There was a lot going on in this short story. It had me wondering about Jackie and Rhonda's reactions during the conversations. I was a little surprised how much information Alfred willing shared during a phone call. Perhaps having Rhonda ask a few questions during the phone conversation that prompted him to tell his story would make it feel rushed. This was a feel good story, of finding family again. Even though Susan never gets to connect with her birth mother, she does get to learn about her through her grandfather and aunt. The twins came off as sweet and smart for their age, an endearing quality.

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Review of Calypso  
Review by Purple Princess Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ ★★★★★ | (3.5)
PLOT -
An interesting tale weaved from Greek lore into the present time. Calypso is in need of rescue and only one man can help her, so she enters his dreams to reach him, which sets him onto a course of action.


SETTING -
There were some good descriptive elements, like Ajax reaching out to take Calypso's hand, but his went right through her spirit body. The scene with the receptionist at the job interview was well written, I could picture that easily.


CHARACTERS -
Ajax decides that his dreams are real and goes in search at the library to get the answers he seeks to help Calypso and Echo.


GRAMMAR/SPELLING/DIALOGUE -
What was it that she had said about Zeus and Hera’s wedding?

~The long sections of dialog need some descriptive elements thrown in along the way. Not just a moan, or a sigh, but your main characters actual thoughts as the conversation unfolds. Knowing what Ajax thinks and feels gives your reader a greater sense of who they are and what they want.

For example. I'm just going to add a few things to what you have to give you an idea of what I'm talking about.
Yours:
“Am I that hero?”

“Yes,” replied Calypso.

“Yes,” echoed Echo.

“Well, what must I do?” asked Ajax.

“Propose to me,” replied Calypso.

“Propose to me,” Echo said. Her face flushed red and she covered her lips.

“What? Now? I don’t have a ring,” Ajax was caught off guard.
Suggestions:
“Am I that hero?” His mind whirled as he asked the question, even knowing what her answer would be. Him? A hero?

“Yes,” replied Calypso with a half smile.

“Yes,” echoed Echo.

“Well, what must I do?” asked Ajax.

“Propose to me,” replied Calypso.

“Propose to me,” Echo said. Her face flushed red making her cover her lips quickly as if she could hide her reaction.

Ajax gasped, closed his eyes and then stared at Calypso. “What? Now? I don’t have a ring.” All of this was moving so fast, and he knew time was running out. What would happen if he could pull this off? Would the proposal be binding? Is that something he wanted. She was just as mysterious as she was beautiful, he could easily admit that. Being around her gave him a sense of purpose, a goal that he might be able to achieve.

~Knowing how your characters feel, what they think and want, goes a long way in letting your reader identify with them and gets us rooting for them.



THINGS TO THINK ABOUT -
~You use Ajax's name a lot, which interrupts the flow of the story at certain sections. Since he is the main character, you can swap his name out for 'he' instead.
~There are some very short sentences that could be combined.
~I wondered about the emotional connection of your character. What did he feel? Why did he want to help her? How did he feel about having to propose to a virtual stranger? What was it like to float above the ground? To transport? Did the first transportation scare or enthrall him?

~You have a solid plot, with key elements of your story already laid out. Adding the emotional elements and showcasing your main character will really heighten your story.

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