It's amazing how out-dated things can get when you get into a passive mode. For those of you who haven't looked at my LJ, I've gotten really into writing fanfiction in the Harry Potter universe. Specifically, slash fiction, mainly involving Harry and Ron. Within this new obsession, I've written quite a few starters to stories, but I always end up getting blocked in the middle. Whether it's not knowing how to structure dialogue that I've never had or can't really get into, or if I lose the plot line, I haven't finished quite a few of these.

All this means that I intend to spend what time I can this summer finishing as many of my unfinished stories as I can, including one's I've started here on writing.com.

That's my news on my writing. In other news, my boyfriend and I have been officially broken-up for almost a year now. We're still friends in that we chat every now and then, but with gas prices the way they are, I don't do that much driving to see him.

Also, in the past two years, I've lost my Yiayia (grandmother in Greek), my great aunt, and both my dogs. We've also moved into my Yiayia's house so we could sell our old one, and adopted two new dogs: one is a great dane rescue dog and the other is a border collie/Australian cattle dog mix.

I've also joined the BLGTA at my college and tried to branch out more in making friends, and I've met some pretty awesome people. I'm now Vice-President of both the BLGTA and my fraternity (Phi Mu Alpha Sinfonia).

In terms of school, I'm kind of in a rut right now. I've been in college for four years, working on both a Music Education degree and a Mechanical Engineering degree. Yeah, I'm crazy. This is nothing new to me or most people who know me. As things stand, I could finish my Music degree in a year, but I don't know if its what I want anymore. Neither do I know if I could really be an engineer. Frankly, I think what I want to do doesn't fall into a well defined category, but I'm almost afraid to try. And I don't think I can go anywhere else with my voice. I'm petrified.

Wow, what a way to end an entry.
 

Wow, this thing is ridiculously out-dated, so I'll just let you guys know that I have two other blogs that are much more up-to-date.

http://booneda.livejournal.com/
&
http://www.myspace.com/booneda



 

Yeah, I know I just posted a blog, but I figured something else out, so shut up.
There's a point, I've realized, whenever I'm reading a book, or watching TV for that matter, that I get too involved. I dig myself into the stories, and even though I don't find myself in the story, (see previous blog) I find someone to be with, like on their side. Sometimes it's the obvious protagonist, or if the story's really good and complex, it can be a multitude of people. But that's the point, the line. Most people seem to stay on this side of that line. But I never do. I crash over it. I dive right in, and as soon as a situation becomes un-agreeable, I begin to rewrite the story so that I could be there. Sometimes I just say something, some truth that would change the entire situation, and save the day. Other times, in my more wild fantasies, I'm some all-powerful being, able to freeze people with a snap of my fingers and rearrange the world with a wave of my hand. But they're still just fantasies, and they cross that line of those live, to those that have no lives.
Just an observation of myself. It's a Greek thing. "Know Thyself" (for anyone who doesn't think this is Greek, I have proof)
I also realized, in the wee (love that. always makes me think of "This little piggy..."), wee small hours of the morning, that I'm afraid. I don't know truly how to live my own life. I'm so dependant on TV and Books for how to live, that I've never explored what I can truly do. I just hope my mom never reads this, or my dad. Talk about an admission of guilt.

 

You know, it’s funny. I always have my epiphanies late at night, while the rest of the local world is sleeping, and there's no one to tell. Also, I seem to forget these realizations as soon as the morning hits. With the sunlight, vanishes my genius, and I slip back into the numbness that the day has for me.
I'm reading again. Another book. What else do I do? I don't know. But I think I finally figured out why. Every time I open a book, or turn on the TV, I'm looking for myself. I'm trying to find myself reflected in the characters of my latest borders acquisition, or in the actors' rendition of the newest, dopiest script network TV can come up with. I rely so much on these people and things to define me that I realize that I don't know myself. And how do you do that? How do you get to know yourself while still putting a face on for the rest of the world to see when you don't even think you have a face yet? I hate my pictures. I hate my body. I hate my hands and my feet. I hate my back and my thighs and my nose and my lips. I hate my hair and my eyes. Why can't I just be one of those people, one of those characters from TV or the thousands of books I read? Why doesn't the world get ME?! Why don't I get me? Maybe it’s time I should.

 

(Should be Thursday, June 16)

Okay, I intended to post this last night at around 2 in the AM, but just as I was about to type in some "Meaningless Drivel<" the electricity fluttered, causing both my TV and my computer to crash. My TV is now working fine, but my computer is yet to have recovered.

Anyways, after the electricity did a little On-Off action, I decided to look outside my window, when what should I behold, But the trees going sideways. I found this a good time to grab my flashlight, and head into the den to alert my mother that there was some major storm-age going on. Of course, my announcement also roused my anxiety-ridden sister. The dogs, however, stayed asleep. Go figure. So while I helped my mother move her pepper and tomato plants (two pepper, one tomato) into some shelter, getting pour'd on in the process, I had to listen to my sister's incessant whining about "Oh My God! It's A Tornado! We're All Gonna Die" or something to that nature, the electricity came back on, (it had been off to this point) so we turned on the TV to find out that it was, in fact, just a very strong thunderstorm, which was, oddly, heading from the northwest, which lead my mom to believe that it was somehow related to the quakes and the tidal wave that hit California. I hope Jeff's Alright. Anyways, back to the story, So after we found this out, my mom lit a few candles, and I started making brownies from a box ( well, I was very awake, and bored.) so after I get the eggs out and all the wet ingredients mixed together, the electricity goes out AGAIN. This time, for the rest of the night. So I did what anybody would do. I finished mixing the brownie mix, popped it into the fridge, grabbed my blanket and pillows, and lay down on the dog bed in the den. By this time, my dog, Marble, had woken up, and was watching every move I made from her chair. (Petra didn't even flinch.) So I invited her down to the dog bed, where she and I snuggled up together for the rest of the night, not that I got much sleep, seeing as I didn't finally crash until 4:30 and woke up around 8. I still missed Designing Women, though, but the electricity only came on a few minutes before I arose anyways. Dammit! Oh well. That's life here in Oklahoma. I really hope my computer is working when I get home, otherwise I may just have to kick it.

Tata!


 

"One special Boy. One boy to be with forever and ever! One Boy, That's the way it should be."

She had it right in Bye, Bye, Birdie. too bad I have to dump my byfriend. Not that I don't really like him, and I do want to be with him. But with our age differences and his parents and my parents and the distance. It's just so complicated. Why does it have to be so complicated. Damn. Well, I hope he'll still be my friend. I want to be his friend. A really good friend. I know he's going through shit, and it won't stop for a while. Prents rarely understand normal stress, and they almost never understand how to deal with their child(ren) being gay. Especially here in OK. Dammit! I don't want to have to do this!

I'm sorry Daniel. I do like you nd Definately want to still be your friend. Don't hate me and don't become bitter. I want to help you and be there with you for all the shit you're gonna go through. Please let me.


 

I feel so good today. While I was talking to some friends in my second hour class, I finally felt something that I haven't felt, at least in a long time. I was accepted. They did still give a little of thos "Wierdo" looks, but they also laughed at my jokes, and actually listened to my opinions. It felt great. I just wish I could have that feeling more often.
 

lately, I've been watching movies, and wrtitng stories, about loveand friendship. And I have to wonder, will i ever feel that. Will i ever have the chance to hold someone in my arms and tell them I love them. will I even have the chance to have a good friend. someone I could talk to, and not worry what they think about me, or if they'll laugh at me. will i ever have someone(this is love) that i can look into their eyes, and know they love me? right now, thoughts have been coming up that concern my basic being, along with my sexual orientation, and even my chances. At 350 pounds, i doubt I'l find anyone who would be willing to look past my body, into my soul. I just want someone to share my love with. To build a life with. to have a home with. to have or adopt kids with, kids that I can give my love and caring. kids that I can help grow, and learn, and make the world better for. Kyrie Eleison!(pardon my greek) alas, the eyes make the heart blind, and the mind decieves itself. my burden is my gift. My love is my pain.

(img src="http://citybuildingcontests.net/js/sig/oxearth.gif")(big)Ox Earth
 

The title says it all.
 

Sometimes, I feel like I am carrying the weight of the world around with me. I weigh 350 lbs. the weight of the world on my shoulders. My body is aching. That overwhelming pressure of dirty looks and rude comments. I am also 6'4". For as long as I can remember, I have been bigger than any other kids. I am a conformist and a rebel. Being so big, my dad put all the pressure of adulthood on my shoulders. The weight of the world on my shoulders. My knees are buckling. I was given all the responsability without any of the privledges. I am also, i say this hypocritically, more mature than some of the other guys I know. I say this hypicritically because I once said that anyone who says that they're mature is immature. I can talk to adults as people, not just adults. And they talk to me , most of the time, as a person, not just a 16 year old kid. I have more adult friends than kid friends. But then, they expect me to act like this absolute mature figure 24-7. And I can't! The weight of the world on my shoulders. I can't take it. I'm falling! Goodbye...