i trimmed the family tree by myself. it was fun seeing all the ornments from long ago- baby/s first christmas- my brothers and muppets from my childhood. i gave everybody at my program christmas cards. i got B a giftcard with money on it. i got a toy for my aunts dog and everyone else needs presents. ive been listning to christmas music. i painted my nails green and red every other nail. i dont know when ill have surgey for my hernia. ive been reading anais nins diary 1931-1934. B gave me candles pine and gingerbread cookie. aunt bonnie just ilit the tree. and cfristmas music is on. its peaceful for now.
 

i have a hernia, probly from last year when my appendix burst. its bulging out like im pregnant. they gave me lortab but my mom is in control of my medicine and she doesnt believe im in pain so she hardly ever gives them. it hurts me but what can i do. im going to need surgery but i have to stop taking blood clot medicine first. im so used to pain idont know whats it like without it i have arthritis in my lower back. and pain in my legs. but everytime i complain mom tells me to exercise or she thinks im drug seeking. but i have real pain. the doctor prescribed pain medicine because i hurt and mom has no right to deny me them. im too old for her games.
 

a bit over a month a ago i had my 33rd birthday. my parents spoiled me. i got everything i wanted and more. my own laptop, pink perfume, a sound machine, rag doll perfume,an angel statue, and other stuff. we went to eat at outback i ate scallaps and shrimp pasta (i try not to eat meat or even seafood, but i did). i dont feel 33. i like having my own computer but i dont have steady surface and it made me erase alot of what i wrote so i was pissed off about that. im getting a desk for chritmas.
 

i had thanksgiving day at home with parents, brother and aunt. im vegatarian year but i still ate alot- sweet potato casserole, green bean casserole, mashed potatos, crsnbrerry sauce, sauer kraut, kale, pecan pie. list:
whati im grateful for
-my family
-my fireindds at hte program
-my boyfriend B
-my cat frisbee
-my red betta samarai
-my own computer
-my writings
-my medicine that works
-my therpist
-my place to live
-my ssi check
-enough vegatarian food to eat
-my day program
-time alone
-that i quit smoking cigarettes
that i have my own bedroom
-that i have and use a lightbox for winter depression
-family dog britany spaniel ralphie and family cat peppi

 

I finished reading Manic in one day. Chapter 16 hit a nerve. I worry about being alone because of my illness and never having children. I'm getting old as it is. Still using light box. I'm taking 1/2 dose of klonpin and I will for 2 weeks then every other day off for 2 weeks then none. I miss B.
 

I've been sick since last week, the allergist gave me antibiotics. I havn't been to the program for two days, I havn't seen or talked to B since last Wed. I've been sort of depressed and kind of hiding (isolating) from everyone. I finished the readings and exercises in the Vein of Gold. I started reading Manic. I spent time drawing with charcoal and colored pencils last night. I've been using my light box 60 minutes in the morning and 20 minutes at 6pm since last thursday. It shound be helping soon.
 

I used my lightbox for 60 minutes today. I'm going to try to use it everyday, but it will be hard to schedule it with having to go the day program in the morning. I used it during the fall in the past and it helped a little. I saw my psychiatrist today he wants me to take less meds I'm fine the ways things are but i agree bentropine is useless. He wants me to stop klonpin too i guess so but I'm not going to just cold turkey stop it has withdrawal if you suddenly stop it. Then he said about lowering my topamax he's got to be crazy i told him no- I'm bipolar I'd get manic and irritable. I don't see what was wrong with what I was taking. It wasn't that much and everything was fine. I lost my Nook somewhere in th house. I was trying to download Anais Nin diary. I see the allergist today. I've been taking zrtec so long it stopped working.
 

I dressed up for Halloween, I got "bottle of blood" at party city , white grease paint and tube of blood face, and used my black lipstick and eyeshadow. I used too much blood so I was a either a killer, zombie, vampire it didn't matter. B let me put scary makeup on him. He used the fangs I got at party city and put blood on them. I'm going to start using my lightbox. I've been getting tired easily and sort of depressed. I want to get a bigger one the one I have now is getting old anyway. I didn't get to light candles for those who passed because mom dragged me everywhere for at least 8 hours yesterday.
 

Ravens play today so B was very happy. He's like so obsessed with the Ravens. I still don't know what to be for halloween. Last year I wanted to be Sally from Nightmare Before Christmas I had the hair but couldn't fit in the costume (my hair was flaming red and long now my hair is short bleached blonde and I'm thinner I thought I might just wear a white filmy dress and throw fake blood all over me and carry a fake knife and be a murderer or find some reason to have blood all over me to win scariest costume at the program. I'll look up hallowen costumes bloody isn't a good idea.
 

My mom is driving me crazy. Ever since I moved back in after losing my section 8 apartment she controls everything I do. I'm 33 i'm too old for this. If she comes up to my room at 4am she acts shocked and says "what are doing up" like I killed someone or commited a crime for staying up late reading or writing or watchng tv. She gives me my night medicine and acts like I'm suposed to just fall over asleep in 2 seconds. She doesn't wants me to take ritalin and doen't give me my 3x a day. She won't let B come over and her excuse for that is our dog would bite him, or the house is a mess. Her and dad really like dad, even Evil Aunt Bonnie likes him, but they won't let him come to hang out with me here for whatever reason I don't know; I've been with him for a year. I stay up all night to get away from my family it crowded here- mom, dad, me, my brother, my evil aunt, 3 dogs, 3 cats, a hermit crab (Dr. Zoidberg- Futurama, I've had for a year ), Samarai (my red Betta I've had for a year also). It seems like I'm never alone except at night. Then I have time alone to write and read freely.