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Yeah, so like I didn't have internet at home and was reduced to using the public library for a computer.

I have a computer and internet now and can't begin to fill in the blanks. there really are soooooo many of them.

I still work for the State of Texas-not the greatest pay but some really fabulous people, really!

I still love my crazy Mother in law but we just moved her back to Southern California where she actually bought back her old house from like 9 years ago. The trip was Hell but the results have been FANTASTIC!!!

Got to see the grandkids and the two youngest boys (now 21 and 24 years old). The rest I will have to fill in later but for now, I feel like I'm breathing once again. (Ahh, the smell of circuitry in the air is fragrant and inspiring) LOL



Invigorated me!
 

Hmm, if you have read my previous entry, you would see that we (Hubby Joe and I) moved in with my Mother-In-Law, Sherrie, to take care of her and Fred (who passed away in December).

Since then, we have come to believe that we must be idiots or something. Nothing we do is correct, at least according to Sherrie who I really love to pieces-honest! We've been married now 23 years, have raised 3 sons, have 2 grandkids etc, but whenever we do something we thought was normal, OMG, it starts.

When I bake cakes, I add a couple of tablespoons of Mayonnaise to the mix, because that's what my mother did and it makes a very moist cake (like adding pudding only without the sugar because Joe is Diabetic). Then I go to bake a cake for Sherrie for Mother's Day and she's snipping about how she always adds extra vanilla extract. She always adds an extra egg for moistness, she never adds mayo to her batter! A million things like that. Needless to say, she wouldn't eat any of the cake-it "tastes like salad dressing" and eventually the remains went out to the chickens-it was a very tasty cake, but I can't eat a whole one by myself. Sherrie made her own cake the next day and personally, I thought it was dryer than a soda cracker, but she insisted on serving it every day till it was gone. *sigh*

When we cook, Joe and I clean as we go, sudsing up pots and pans, stirring bowls, cutting boards, etc. We'll clean and wipe down the counter tops, stove, sinks, everything. Then 2 minutes after we're done and ready to serve dinner, here comes Sherrie, taking everything out of the dish drainer and placing them into the dishwasher, taking a clean wash cloth and wiping down everything we had just cleaned and then she'll have us microwave her meal (because it got cold) and complain about how it's dry and tasteless (because it was in the microwave for like 10 minutes!).

I tell you, yesterday, I went out to pull weeds in the garden, then turned on the sprinkler because it was looking a little peaked in the 100 degree heat we have going on. It wasn't on but a minute or so when she came out and said that the plants aren't supposed to be watered from the top, but from the bottom---I'm sorry, but does it rain from the sky where you live? Because that's what it does here, if it had been raining, the water would have been falling from the top just like from the sprinkler-amazing, huh? I don't know, then she complained that I wasn't weeding right, she wanted me to start with the tallest weeds and work to the shortest, hell, I was just pulling everything up that didn't look like a vegetable-I guess that's wrong!

I fold the towels wrong, Joe uses too much soap in the shower, I don't scrub the toilets counterclockwise, Joe feeds the chickens too much and the dogs not enough-then she wants us to call the cows a certain way, excuse me, but why would I want to call the cows? To count them, of course. Why? Hell if I know!

We watch wierd TV programs, we don't spend enough time with her, the porch lights should be left on all night, but turn off the security system because we're all here. There are times when I think she's got the start of Dimentia, but I know it's just her being her.

How do you brush your teeth? Does it matter if you do it with your left hand or your right? She thinks so. Do you use a comb on wet hair, then a brush when it's dry? Well, she never uses a comb, what's the use? That's doing the work twice (I must explain my hair is to my waist and I'd like to keep it healthy and long!).

Do you wash your steaks before you grill them? I do, because I've seen the inside of a butcher shop and my dad did that when I was growing up, but it waters down the taste of the beef according to Sherrie. Hm, I thought it got rid of excess blood and bacteria. But she washes chicken before she fries it (just like I do) and the flavor stays on there right enough!

Joe's favorite complaint? She doesn't like the way he vaccuumes because it leaves grooves in the carpet. What?

Ok, I am so done here. I have to keep saying, I love her, I love her, I love her, I love her...




watering from the top.......me
 

Ok, so I had a job I loved once in a land far, far away and a supervisor told me we had to answer phones with Mickey Mouse ears on. What she meant was: always sound pert, perky, professional and above all, Never Let Them Think You Can't Do Your Job!

I am currently living with my mother in law, I know-I forgot to capitalize and hyphenate but OH DARN! Anywhoo, my hubby and I are taking care of her since my Father-In-Law passed away and it's really wearing thin.

She's not bed ridden or in a wheelchair, but she gets very tired out easily and can't take care of her farm. There's the cattle to take care of, the fowl (all her ducks, geese, chickens, guinneas etc) the cats, dogs and anything else like the fencing, the sheds, buying feed, repairing storm damage, sweeping out spiders, killing snakes, keeping the pond water level filled up so all the fish don't die, you know, farm stuff.

Anyway, she's a real -and I say this with a lot of love- Bitch somedays. It's like walking on glass, or in other words, living with Mickey Mouse Ears on.


ggggrrrrrrrrr-ing...........me
 

Ok, took 10 days of frantic studying (after 26 years out of school) and I PASSED MY GED! I tell you, after finding out my diploma was no good after all these years it scared the living bejeezus out of me!

But, it turned out I'm smarter than I really thought! My scores were pretty darn good except for math (My weakest subject) but all in all, WOOHOO!

Family took me out to dinner just to celebrate, I had Chinese food cause it's like the best there is around here!



Relieved, excited, ecstatic.......me!!!
 

Ok, so as an adult, it's pretty embarassing to find out that my high school diploma isn't valid.

Long story, lots of yada, yada, yada and I'm still left with having to go back and get proof of education. So, get this, I have to take the test for a GED. Because I need it like yesterday! Aaarrrggghhh!!

I can't believe my classes and tuition and all that time getting my diploma like YEARS ago, were all a fraud. I've not had any problems up until I applied for a government job and now it's a slap in the face, you're an idiot, go get educated, blah, blah, blah.

I thought I was done with all that. For the last 9 days I've been sitting with all the adult education pamphlets available to me, trying to remember algebraic expressions, high school science, social studies etc.

Test is on Saturday, wish me luck, Ima gonna need it. Oh, yeah, I'm 44.


frustrated and apparently not educated......me.
 

There never seems to be an end to it. Selling a calf to pay for fencing, Ma-In-Law doesn't really want to but it's got to be done. It's a bull-calf and is causing a lot of mayhem. We already have a bull, and she doesn't want to let us butcher the calf out...that leaves selling it. I say calf, but he's almost 2 years old now.

Sometimes people can lose site of the important things, like doing the right thing. This bull-calf is costing money every day tearing up fencing and trying to mate with a few younger heifers, they're too young. He's already hurt one heiffer's legs because he was too big and she wasn't old enough.

The person buying the younger bull will have him butchered in less than the time it takes to get him loaded into the trailer...but she doesn't mind that, she just doesn't want to have him in her own freezer? I forget, why is she raising cattle if not to eat?????



frustrated me.


 

Ok, so here's the thing. A review is a personal opinion given in hopefully a constructive manner about something that was written by someone else. There are soooooo many authors on this site who feels that giving a review means giving 4 or 5 stars even if it sucks because someone is worried about offending someone's sensibilities.

Blah, blah, blah. Then there are those who willfully undercut a great piece with low rates and little or no review. Blah, blah, blah.

Here's what you do, if you don't want someone else's opinions, PUT THE DAMN THING ON PRIVATE!!!

Oh, yeah, delete the idiots you don't agree with and MOVE ON!

Nuff said.


Grrrrrr......me.
 

I keep telling myself, "It will get better", then something really drastic goes wrong. Again. Then again. And yet again.

Tried making sure we raised our boys in a way that when life knocks you down, you pick yourself back up again and move forward. Very difficult but not impossible.

*Sigh* Sometimes I hate practicing what I preach.


disgusted, demoralized and not-quite-defeated .......me.
 

Well, most people knew I moved to Texas to help the in-laws because father in law was fighting cancer. Fred lost his fight on December 11, 2008. He didn't want a funeral or memorial service. So now he's on the mantle with his favorite hat on his urn and his "lucky rock" right next to it.

Oh, yeah, I just lost my job on Saturday, too. This has been one of the worst years of my life, but I am still here.


very sad computerless me.
 

Wow, here in Texas since the 4th of July, it's going on Christmas and what a ride it's been. Still staying at the In-Laws, but they have a great little pond to fish in so it's all good. Fred still fighting cancer, but I think it's gaining on him, he tries not to show it, but I can tell.



Needing a computer for.....me
 

I hate not having a computer since we moved to Texas. catty is alive and well.
 

I've worked very closely with Dave for 3 1/2 years now and I can tell you about his years in the Navy, that his younger brother played high school football, that he's got a daughter and has been divorced. I can tell you he's got a wicked sense of humor and I can tell you that he's a honorable person. He's gruff and surly, he's moody, but he's a hard worker and someone I can trust.

I've worked with him as his dispatcher, his fleet manager, his dispatch trainer and now his straight-up friend.

I haven't blogged much lately, but I am moving to Texas. As in my last day is June 20th. Today, 4 days before I leave, I just find out we're from the same home town! How bizarre is that? His brother played for my high school football team. He was born a month earlier than me! We knew each other way back when! Too funny. He's like 11 years older than his brother and I don't remember if I ever actually met him when I was a little teeny bopper or not, but that's just so funny.

It really is a small world. I told him it's no wonder we get along so great, same small town, same small town mentality and everyone else thinks we're both too "picky" and it just makes me want to laugh.

It's kinda nice learning about a little piece of "hometown" being so close all these years. I'm taking my high school year book to work tomorrow to show him, I think it'll be a blast.



very surprised but happy .... me.
 

Ok, I'm working 2 jobs and don't have near the time I really want to have to devote to this blog, but, update on the household: Oldest boy Kenny has moved out, middle boy Jordan has moved back in, youngest boy Corey is carrying straight A's in school-Senior year, and the word is I'm being transferred to Texas from my main job. Hubby Joe and I have been internet house hunting and it's a serious pain in the tootsie!

Workplace is undergoing massive reconstruction and it sucks to be there trying to work in such turmoil, my drivers don't want me to go to Texas but that's life and everyone will just have to deal with it.

Joe and I are looking forward to the move, so are the in-laws. Grandkids and their Mom don't want to move with us, neither do the boys so YAY! We'll be empty nestors!!!!!


very ragged and torn......me!
 

Well, some good people have passed on this past year and some precious bundles have entered this sometimes unforgiving world.

I'm surprised to see how many funerals I've had to attend when I look back over these past twelve months, and even more surprised to think that more than half of them were for young adults. It makes life so much more precious to me when I look about my family and I still have my 3 boys in this world, my husband by my side, and two healthy grandkids to drive me crazy.

My Mom and Pop are doing all right, all my brothers and my sister are fine too. How thankful and wonderfully joyful I am that this particular corner of my world is functioning.

The downside of the reality is that my oldest is still my and Joe's biggest dissapointment. We finally asked him to move out. He's twenty-four, doesn't have a job, doesn't support his kids, doesn't even pretend to care about anything but himself...*sigh* many, many, many tears have been shed by me for him and they don't help anything, so, I've resolved "NO MORE TEARS". They cost too much and Kenny doesn't know how to pay the bill.

On the upside, Jordan has gotten another job and has moved into his own place...well, he and a friend are sharing the rent on their own place, but he's trying and learning and carrying his own weight.

Corey's graduating High School this year and already applying for grants for college in the Fall. He's looking into part time jobs, a place to live, all in all a very grown-up seventeen. Can I say I'm very proud of these two younger boys? I am very proud of them!

Joe and I are looking forward to next year. We're planning on selling our place here in Southern California and moving out to Texas. Joe's dad has been having a rough time of it with his chemo treatments and Joe's mom just isn't well enough to take care of the cattle or the land and such around their lake, so we're moving out that way to give them a hand and spend some quality time with Fred while we can.

I guess that's what life is about really, moving out, moving in, moving on...



a contemplative-----me.
 

I know everyone dies, I know this in truth because no one is immortal. Life can be short and sweet, short and painful, long and dull, long and exciting and everything in between. The best anyone can hope for is to leave behind a legacy of a well-lived life.

This past 2 weeks, I have lost a co-worker, a man in his late 50's or early 60's-not exactly sure and isn't that sad I haven't found out for sure? I feel guilty in a way, because I was the last person to have ever spoken to him before he died. He called off from work, he'd looked really bad the day before, sounded even worse over the phone when he was calling off. He sounded so bad I almost told him to call 9-1-1. But I didn't. Autopsy shows he died within 30 minutes of my speaking to him. Every shoulda-coulda-woulda is wracking itself through my brain and I can't help but feel responsible. It's a personal thing that has indellibly marked me on a concious and sub-concious level and the weight of it is frightful.

Could the paramedics have saved his life in that 30 minute period? Could they have drained the fluid from his body which was keeping him from drawing a full breath and straining his heart to the point of stopping? I don't know. But my years in the medical field say "Yes, they could have" and I can't stop thinking about it. He's gone. His funeral is today. I want to go and pay my final respects but am so afraid of facing his family. The guilt of that one unsaid thing: Call 9-1-1. It's a horrible heavyness in my heart and "I'm sorry" just doesn't seem adequate somehow.

A 22 year old young man killed himself this past week. He was so talented, he was a good kid in a bad situation. His solution was to take the drugs his father had stashed all at once to teach his father a lesson-it worked, that kid is gone. His funeral was Sunday and I think every one who ever knew him showed up. This young man had a future. He was an athelete, he was engaged, he was a champion black-belt and a respected young man in the community. How do I help my sons through this? They were all friends, close-knit, they grew up together. His father doesn't feel responsible...the boy was smart enough to know what he was doing...How do you explain that kind of attitude to your own children? A very harsh dose of reality.

A 19 year old boy died last weekend in a motorcycle accident out in the desert, an 18 year old is in a coma from the same accident. Both boys very good friends with our sons. The 19 year-old's funeral was this morning, of course the family is devastated-who wants to outlive their children? The 18 year-old has woken from his coma, now we're waiting to see if he's physically and mentally sound...but he's survived. It will be a very long road to recovery for him, he doesn't know about his friend's death yet...the family wants him to want to pull through with a positive frame of mind. I hope so.

The final straw? Well, an animal is in no way more important than a human, it hardly seems worth mentioning. My cat, Jon-Jon had a wierd lump in his mouth, I took him to the vet on Sunday to get a tooth pulled or an abcess treated...no. It turns out it was cancer. No possible treatment. I went to the vet that day thinking my treasured friend would be coming home with me but he never did. I had to do the "right thing". The doctor confirmed with blood tests, inoperable, excruciating pain, inability to eat and drink, kidney failure etc. I had to say goodbye and let him go before it came to such a horrible end. I miss him very much. A bit of his story can be seen here: "Jon-Jon's Peace"  it's all about him.




a very sad and teary..............me
 

Well, it's passed that time. We've given Kenny more than a year to get his act together and he still hasn't figured it out.

No job. No prospects. No self respect either I suspect. But as much as I've been on the fence about kicking him out, my stomach still clenches not knowing if I'm doing the right thing.

I gave him till Friday to find a job. No more second, third, fifth, tenth chances. He has to stand on his own two feet, we just can't do it for him anymore. I feel like a terrible mother; I know he has no place to go and I know it's going to eat me from the inside out, but I can't do it anymore.

He's 23, almost 24 and doesn't even help financially with his kids, they live right here with us for crying out loud, you'd think he'd want to play with them or spend time with them. It's just the saddest thing to think about.

Where in the Hell did we go wrong with this one? We don't drink or smoke-he does both. We have good moral values, he doesn't. What gives?

Well, I'm sure Friday will be one of those days that will come to pass and I'll be chewing Tums like crazy, but I have to stick to it. He has to step up to the plate and grow some down there-take care of his kids, pay his own bills and become an employed adult.

I can hope and dream for all my kids, but this feels like it's going to kill me.


distressed----me.
 

Well, Joe has come through another surgery, this one a little scarier than most in that the percentages were way above 50% for paralysis...but if he didn't get the surgery done, it would have happened anyway! I'm glad we decided to go through with it, now on to the recovery and physical therapy part of it...




very relieved....me
 

Well, Grandma's funeral will be held on Thursday. My birthday. I really miss her already...






older, sadder,....me
 

Well, Grandma went to God today. She follows on the heels of her oldest daughter not 6 months ago, and Grandpa's passing only just 2 years ago. Lord, leave some of us behind for the grieving.






crying me.