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11. 25 May - 31 May, 2012: Conversations With Friends	ID #753500
Posted: 5-25-2012 @ 3:22 pm EDT Edited: 5-26-2012 @ 6:40 pm EDT

25 May 2012

When I got off the bus I met Grant and Steve, they both said, "Have a great weekend, Mo's around the corner in her usual place."

Shortly after I arrived Catherine (the religious lady) arrived. "How are you doing, Mo?"

"I'm fine."

"Did you have a look at the apartment you were telling me about?"

"Yes, Carl went over. He said it's beautiful. It's on the second floor. It's furnished, utilities are included. We just have to pay for cable. There's a deck in front and a deck outside my bedroom. Carl is going to sleep in the living room. It's $700.00 a month."

"What's the location?"

"It's near the market, at Guy and King Edward, just a few blocks from where were living now."

"It sounds ideal."

"It is. Carl has already said we'll take it. The owner has to speak to his partner before he can confirm. If everything goes okay, I'll move in right away. Carl's check goes directly to our present landlord, so he'll have to have that transferred, then he can move in.

"So, do you have any big plans for the weekend?"

"I'm running. Saturday is the big Tamarack Homes, Ottawa 10K Race. If you want, you could meet me at the finish line, on Queen Elizabeth Drive near Argyle. I could use some cheering and support. Later, we could go for a coffee or something."

"Sounds great."

"I have to be at work soon, so maybe I'll see you Saturday."

We both said good bye to Catherine. "She's such a nice lady," said Mo.

"If I'd seen that place on my own, I would have taken it for myself. Carl is afraid of living alone and I've been feeling really hyper lately. I didn't see the guys yesterday because some of them are getting on my nerves. I thought if I went there, I'd get in a fight, then go to jail. I just wanted to relax. I've had these weird feelings lately that I want to cut myself.

"When I arrived Wednesday noon, you were arguing with someone. What was that about?"

"That was low life, Terry, the wife beater, down in the park. He usually drinks Purell, but he had a bottle of sherry right out in the open. The security guard came along. Terry told him that his bottle was sealed -- it was half empty. The guard poured the sherry out on the grass. I was just standing there, at the railing, Terry said to me, "Fuck off Mo! If you didn't have all those guys around, I'd come up there and beat the shit out of you."

"That made me mad. I said, 'I don't need any help to cut a woman beater like you down to size. I fight a lot better than the women you've taken on. I'd have you on your knees whimpering like a puppy.' I tried to run down the hill, but Hoover and Glen held me back. I've had lots of practise fighting with Frank. I may not have won the fights but I left him hurting."

"When Terry was in prison they kept him in P.C. (protective custody) along with the pedophiles, diddlers, woman beaters and other sex offenders. I don't think Frank would be in P.C. He's six foor four and can take care of himself, but it depends on where they send him. Last I heard, he was in transition in Millhaven. In some prisons there are inmates three times the size of Frank.

"I haven't been sleeping well lately with Z slobbering and licking himself all night. Last night I got out of bed to go to the bathroom and he bit my ankle. It wasn't as if I pushed him out of the way, like I usually do, I was walking around him. I grabbed him by the head and chomped down on his ears. He whimpered and went back to his corner."

"Have you seen Rhino?" I asked. "I'm worried about him."

"He was across the street earlier, until the lady made him move. He and Irwin slept in the bank last night. He was here before 6:00. I said to him, "What happened? Did you shit your pants?"

"Is he drinking rubbing alcohol?"

"Last night they both drank two bottles of sherry before they passed out. I told him, 'That shit is hard on your system. Why dont you go back to beer, or at least water the wine down like I do, or add apple juice, or something."

...

At noon I saw Rick, sitting on the sidewalk beside the church, panning. A few weeks ago Rick had insulin shock and had to be rushed to hospital.

"Hi Rick, you had us all pretty worried, a while back, when they took you to hospital. How are you feeling now?"

"I'm okay now. I have some fruit and sandwiches with me. Whenever I feel weak I eat something. A man at church gave me some sugar pills. I always check my insulin level. When they took me to hospital it was over three times my normal level. It felt like I had drunk a quart of whiskey. My vision was blurred, heart was pounding, head felt like it was splitting. Everything was spinning. I was sweating. I didn't know where I was. It felt like my brain was boiling.

"My doctor gave me some special medication, but it makes me feel sick. I have an M.R.I. scheduled for next week so they can see what's going on. If it doesn't show any improvement, I'm going off these pills.

"I try my best to get along with people, but if some one gets in my face and really pushes my buttons I lose it. My mind goes blank. It happened a while ago. I was down behind the Mission and this guy just kept coming at me, and at me. I grabbed him by the neck. I squeezed so hard that my hand broke. If someone hadn't pulled me off, I would have killed him. I felt so bad, I wasn't going to attend church on Sunday, but my friend talked me into it. He said it would help me to feel better, and it did.

"I go to St. Mary's Church. My bible has all the important passages highlighted. I know it says, "thou shalt not beat up your neighbor, and "thou shalt not kill.' I asked the church for forgiveness, and I asked forgiveness from the man I fought. There were a few tense days -- whenever I saw him -- I'd wonder, 'Is he going to come at me or not.' He lives in the same rooming house as me and there are always confrontations among the residents. I have the pain in my hand to remind me to control my temper.

"I try my best to help people. Each morning at about 4;00, I make about ten sandwiches. I go past the Mission, through the park, under the Laurier Street Bridge, anywhere I think there may be homeless people. If I find someone who is hungry I give them a sandwich. The other day, under the bridge, I didn't see anybody at first, but out from somewhere crawled a little old lady.

"I talk to people about helping the homeless, sometimes they'll say, 'They can always go to the Mission, or the Salvation Army, or the Shepherd's.' I explain to them that some people, because of mental conditions, like agoraphobia, or because of anti-social personality disorders, or alcoholism -- where people do inappropriate things when they're drunk -- there is no place to eat, no place to sleep, no place to be safe. It's our duty to help them, because they can't help themselves.

"I was in Tim Horton's the other day. An elderly woman was trying to buy a coffee with a gift card. I guess there wasn't enough money on the card. She kept saying to them, 'Try it again. Try it again.' It was humiliating for her. I went up to the woman and said, 'Try my card.' It was one that someone had given me. She got her coffee. Later on, she was walking down Bank Street and saw me panning. She came over to me and said, 'I can't believe that a man who begs for money bought me a coffee.' I said to her, 'Ma'am, we all have our hard times. If we can help each other, it makes life a lot easier. That card was a gift to me, now it's my gift to you. If you like, you can buy someone else a coffee when they need it.'

"The other day I was talking to a man. He'd slept on a park bench, so I knew he didn't have any money. I offered to buy him a sandwich. We went to Louis' Restaurant. He said, 'I'd really like a beer with that sandwich.' I said, 'I'm sorry, I'll buy you a sandwich, but I won't buy you a beer. I don't think the Lord intended that I buy beer for people.'

"I was at a 24 hour McDonalds the other night. There is a gay club nearby. When was near closing time for the club a lot of people started filtering over to McDonalds. I thought it strange at first. I saw women making out with women, and men making out with men, but I got talking to some of them and they were really nice. One of gave them this rainbow flag that I sewed to my backpack. I'm not like that, you understand, but as long as nobody touches me, whatever they do is fine."

I went to the park and saw Peter and his dog Scruffy, Glen and his dog Capone, Mo, Elaine and Hoover, Frank, Bert, John, Sparky and Rhino.

Elaine called me over. "I want to tell you something," she said. "Hoover has been staying over at my place for the last week, but they are going to fumigate today, so we had to pack everything away, wash the walls, cover things with plastic, make the place ready for the fumigators. It was a big job. Then we went to Hoover's place in Chinatown. He'd left one of the windows, and the screen open. There was a pigeon in his apartment. It took forever to get the pigeon to leave. I looked under his futon -- he has a really nice futon -- there was a nest with two eggs in it.

"Hoover, I was just telling Dennis about the pigeons."

Hoover interjected, "There must have been two birds coming in and out, because they'd built a very intricate nest of twigs. They must have been at it for most of the week."

'It just freaked me out," said Elaine. There was bird dirt everywhere, and I'm really fussy about germs -- I'm taking antibiotics. I hardly slept at all."

"Eventually," said Hoover, "we're going to move all my stuff over to Elaine's. I've got two wide screen TVs, a sound system. They're just going to waste, because I'm never home."

I walked over to talk to Rhino. "How are you feeling, Rhino?"

"A lot better than this morning. Irwin and I slept in the Toronto Dominion Bank, until they kicked us out. I still got a bottle of wine we'd been sharing. He knows where I drink. If he doesn't come soon there won't be anything left. Oh, well."

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10. 17 May - 24 May, 2012: Conversations With Friends	ID #753048
Posted: 5-17-2012 @ 5:33 pm EDT Edited: 5-26-2012 @ 2:40 pm EDT

24 May 2012

This morning was still a bit cool in the shade. I saw that someone else was in Mo's usual spot. I recognized the green cap, and surmised that it must be Little Frank. In the opposite direction was Black John. His name is actually John Black. His favorite expression is, "Why don't I get any? Am I black?" Frank's spot was on my way to work, so I chose to sit with him.

"Hi Frank"

"Hi Dennis, Mo told me she wouldn't be here this morning, so I could use her spot. She'll be down later. There was a woman that passed here earlier. She asked me, 'Don't I usually see you on the Mackenzie King Bridge?' I said, "Yeah, I'm there most days.' She said 'I'm the one who phoned 911 when you were passed out on the grass.' I said, 'Thank you.' That was the time they took me to the Montfort Hospital. She asked if she could buy me breakfast. I said, 'No, but a coffee would be nice.' Alcoholics don't usually drink in the morning."

"How are you feeling?" (Frank has AIDS).

"I'm not feeling too good. I should have my meds. I don't have a health card. Either the police have my cards or the Montfort has them. I'm not sure which. Three times the cops have taken my identification and not given it back.

"I got kicked out of my place, so I'm back on the street again. I was staying in an apartment at Bank and Cooper. It was mostly crusty old drunks. I know you're sixty-five, but these guys are really oId -- You know, I was talking to Sparky yesterday. I found out that he's only forty-six. I'm five years older than him. I couldn't believe it."

"I can't believe it either. I was talking to him the other day and he said, "It's nice waking up in the morning. If I don't, I know something's wrong."

"Anyway, I got a noise complaint my first day there; since then I could just feel that they didn't like me. You know that feeling, when you just don't fit in? The super knocked on my door and said to me, "We've had complaints -- there was only the one -- and we'd like you to move out. If you leave now I'll give you back half your months rent. I said to him, 'Can I have a day?' He said, 'Sure.' He had a forty ounce bottle of vodka and a 26 of Grand Marnier on the top of his desk. He always has them there."

"Grand Marnier and vodka would be nice. The Grand Marnier by itself would be too sweet."

"When I was a chef, I used it for flambes. You know, I'd throw some in the frying pan and it'd catch fire. I worked as a chef for quite a while."

"I've used sherry for cooking. I've made sherried crepes. My kids loved them."

"I had a good job, as a waiter, in a really high class, snooty restaurant. You know -- white tuxedo shirt, black pants, a vest. I was good looking then. Still had all my teeth. I was only twenty-two at the time. One night, it was really slow. Only one table was filled. I was there every time they needed a cigarette lit. Every time a plate was empty, I took it away. Water glasses were always filled. I really did my job to perfection. They left me a tip of $150.00. Can you believe that? I was in big money back then.

"Anyway, back to Bank and Cooper, where I was staying. I thought about it for a while and said, 'Fuck it. I don't want to stay where I'm not wanted.' I went down to the super's office and said to him, 'Give me my money. I'll be gone in an hour.' I left a lot of stuff there, my dream catchers, my wolf pictures, the food in my kitchen.

"So, I'm out on the street now. I spent last night sleeping by 'the heater'. I didn't have a sleeping bag, just the clothes I'm wearing now. Somehow, I scraped my arm. I don't know how that happened. Peter and Scruffy were there as well. The first thing Peter said to me was, 'Frank, am I ever glad to see you. Now, I can get some sleep.' You know, he acts all tough, but he's really a pussy cat.

"Was Scruffy barking?"

"No, she was tired, just wanted to sleep. She's over ten years old. She mostly barks when there are other dogs, or skateboarders, around. Muff barks at Brinks trucks. They have a distinctive horn that goes, 'beep, beep'. Darrell used to know one of the drivers. He'd beep his horn, open the door and throw a cookie to Muff. Every time the dog hears that horn she starts to bark. She thinks she's going to get a cookie. When she sees a hot air balloon she goes wild. I don't know what that's about."

"I heard that Darrell kicked Peter's door in, and Peter was at home guarding his stuff, until the door was repaired. I wonder if anything else happened?"

"The night before last, I stayed at Darrell's place. He thinks I'm going to stay there for a while, but I wouldn't stay in a mess like that. I've lived with him before."

"Has he got his window fixed? I heard that he had a broken basement window for most of the winter."

"Yeah, they fixed the window. Do you know how that happened? He cheated some guy on a drug deal. The guy came back and threw a brick through his window."

"Tell me about your wolf pictures."

"When I was on my hiatus -- when I stayed sober for a month at my parents place -- I took up painting again. I painted a picture of a wolf on black velvet. It was about two by three feet. After I left, my parents had it framed. It's hanging on their wall now. I've never actually seen it framed. So, what I have is a photograph of my painting."

"Your parents live in North Bay don't they?"

"No, they live in Deep River, half way to North Bay."

"You went for a reunion there didn't you?"

"Yeah, last summer. It was my grandparents sixtieth wedding anniversary. I saw my brother for the first time in thirteen years. He's living in Winnipeg. Works as a letter carrier with the Post Office. He's also a licenced mechanic. He has about a hundred thousand dollars worth of tools in his garage. His wife is a teacher. Between them they bring in a lot of money.

"I should get back there. I've hitch hiked there hundreds of times, but now that they've made it four lanes, and it's an expressway, the cops are always patrolling. You know the expresion, 'There's never a cop around when you need one?' Well, there's always a cop around when I'm hitching."

Albert came by looking for cigarette butts on the sidewalk. Frank said to him, "I've got one here. It's only half smoked." Shortly after, Claude came by looking for butts. "Sorry Claude, Albert beat you to it. He's already collected all the butts."

...

At noon the weather was hot and sunny. There was a big crowd at the park: Hoover and Elaine, Dan, Suzie, Glen and his dog Capone, Peter and his dog Scruffy, Frank, Bert, Claude, Nancy, Rhino, Marilyn, Sparky and Robert. Scruffy was barking at Capone.

Hoover came over and said, "Do you see Sparky's new shoes. They're my old ones. Sparky, show Dennis your new shoes!'

I said, "They look great Sparky -- a lot better that the ones you were wearing yesterday, with the red duct tape on the toe."

I walked over to Robert and asked, "Did you take good care of Rhino on the weekend?"

"He didn't come," said Robert, "We were both drunk. We took the 95 bus to Orleans. We got off at a stop right near my place. I turned around and he was gone. I was really upset."

Rhino just shrugged his shoulders.

I said to Rhino, "You haven't been drinking bad stuff with Emile, have you?"

"No, I'm sticking to beer for now."

Robert said, "I told Rhino that he is invited to come over to my place this coming weekend. I'm going to barbecue steaks. You're going to come, aren't you, Rhino?"

"I'll be there."

Robert said, "Nancy told me that she had seen my girlfriend, and that she's alright. I'm so relieved. She also said that she still loves me. If she loves me why doesn't she phone me, or visit me? Does she think I'll be angry? She left me for three weeks, but I forgive her. Does she think I'm going to hit her? I'm not a woman beater. I hate men who do that. That's the reason I'm deaf and have this scar." He lifted his tee shirt to expose a scar crossing his stomach. "It was because my mother was beaten that I was born three and a half months premature. I weighed just over four pounds. My aunt could hold me in one hand. My mother was fifteen years old when she was pregnant. Several days before I was born she had her sixteenth birthday.

"She's 51 now, is very attractive and very smart. She works in the Library Building for the Canadian Border Services Agency. I'm going to meet her at one o'clock. When people see us together they think that she is my twin sister.

"Do you read the Catholic Bible?"

"No, I'm not very familiar with it. I read a lot about buddhism."

"It doesn't matter what religion we are; whether we're Catholic, Anglican, Jehova's Witness or Baptist. We all believe in the same God, or a higher power. We're all the same. Within us all of us is good and bad. We just have to choose the good."

I said, "There is an American Indian legend about a grandfather giving advice to his grandson.The grandfather said, 'I have two wolves fighting in my heart. One wolf is the vengeful, angry, violent one. The other is the loving, compassionate one.' When his grandson asked which wolf will win, the grandfather answered, 'The one I feed.'"

"That is very wise." said Robert. "I was in prison for sixteen months and I had a lot of time to read the bible. I learned that, to understand it, you have to read the end first, then the middle, then the beginning. That way it makes more sense. There are certain things in the bible that I don't believe. I don't believe that Hell is a place with fire, brimstone and red devils with pitch forks. I believe that Hell is right here on earth. Wars, famine, sickness; that's Hell. I try to live a good life so that on Judgement Day I'll go up there (pointing to the sky). Every minute people die and people are born. I believe that when we die we go into another body. Not right away, but eventually. When you look up to the stars it goes on forever. Maybe, we go to another planet. Who knows?"

23 May 2012

I caught an early bus to work, so I had lots of time to talk to Mo. "How's it going today, Mo?'

"This morning has been slow. Yesterday, I made $19.00. So far today, I've only made $5.00 and I've been here since 6:00. Come on people!"

Catherine stopped by to talk with Mo. She squatted, put some change in Mo's cap, then put her hand on Mo's shoulder. "How are you doing, Mo?"

"I'm fine."

"Are you eating well?

"Yes, I'm eating well."

"You mentioned that you were looking at a new apartment tomorrow. Is that still on?"

"Yeah, Carl and I are going over tomorrow to have a look at it. It's a one bedroom for $700.00 a month. It's just down a block from the one we're in now."

"You take care, Mo."

When she left Mo said to me. "She's really beautiful. That's the religious lady. Last fall when I was beaten by Frank, and I had the broken nose, and broken ribs, she prayed with me. I felt a warm glow spreading through my body. For the first time in a week, I could take a full breath without chest pain. I'm not a religious person -- well, I used to be a Catholic, but I haven't been to church for a long time. It really spooked me. I felt better all day.

"There's something about the number 5. I have five boys. The marriage to my first husband lasted five years. Frank and I broke up after five years.

"I don't want to live with Carl. He want's me to go over and see about the apartment, but I'm going to let him go by himself. I'll phone back later in the week, talk to the lady, and maybe take it myself. Carl and I are always arguing. He feeds so many people, I just can't afford that.

"Rhino found a bicycle, that's it over there." She pointed to a blue bike in the bicycle rack. "I told him it looks like one of those bait bicycles. The police put them out every so often. If you're caught riding one you're charged with theft.

"Is it locked?" I asked.

"It has a lock on it, but the lock isn't fastened. It only looks locked. I can just imagine Rhino riding that. One good thing about having a bicycle is that it will help him lose weight.

"I brought him some soap and some shampoo. He said at the Shepherd's they only give them a tiny bit to last for a week. That's why his hair looks greasy. People sometimes drop some off hotel soap and shampoo for me. I don't know why. Do they think I'm dirty?"

Rhino walked across the street. "Hi Rhino," I said. "How are you feeling?"

"Not so good. I was out drinking with Emile and we got into some bad stuff. I don't want to talk about it."

"What were you drinking, Rhino? If you were with Emile, it could have been Listerine or rubby (rubbing alcohol). Which was it?"

"Rubby."

"Rhino, you know that stuff will kill you."

"Rubbing alcohol is used to disinfect, to bring down fever and to soothe skin. Most rubbing alcohol is made of 70 percent isopropyl alcohol in water. Isopropyl isn't the same type of alcohol that is in alcoholic beverages---ethanol--- although sometimes ethanol is an ingredient in rubbing alcohol. When ethanol is an ingredient it will have been denatured. Denaturing is adding poisonous and bad-tasting ingredients, and it is done specifically to prevent people from drinking the alcohol. Often the poisonous ingredient added is methanol, which can cause blindness. Isopropyl is also found in mouthwashes and skin lotions. Isopropyl is very intoxicating. Because it is easily available and has no purchasing restrictions, it is sometimes used as a substitute for ethanol alcohol.

Drinking rubbing alcohol can cause alcohol poisoning. The symptoms of alcohol poisoning are vomiting, confusion, slow breathing (less than eight breaths per minute), seizures, low body temperature, pale or blueish skin and unconsciousness. In cases of isopropyl ingestion, because of its strong effect on the central nervous system, a person may experience lethargy or ataxia, or may go into a coma. Because isopropyl also affects the GI tract, a person who has drunk it can have stomach pain, cramps and hemorrhagic gastritis. Someone who has ingested rubbing alcohol will also have a fruity smell to his or her breath." (http://www.ehow.com/how-does_5200289_effects-consuming-rubbing-alcohol.html)

"I'm going off to do some things on my own," said Rhino.

"I don't even want to think about what that is."

After Rhino left Mo said, "I've sunk pretty low, but I've never drunk Listerine or rubbing alcohol. Now they sell Listerine without alcohol. I don't know where Claude gets his. I can't stand to be near him. He reeks of the stuff. Lately, he's been acting funny. All he seems do is sleep. (a side effect of drinking rubbing alcohol or alcohol based mouthwash)."

"Yesterday," I said, "Elaine was complaining about leg pain. Does that have to do with her cancer?"

"I don't know what the leg pain is about. Yesterday, because she was wearing capris, I noticed how skinny her legs are. She had breast cancer and cancer of the uterus. She also has chirrosis of the liver. It's because of the uterine cancer that she doesn't have sex with Hoover. It's too painful for her. He goes off somewhere and pays for it. She's cool with that. Hoover and Elaine have been together eleven years. I think they had sex once."

“You mentioned that you lost a lot of weight. How did you do that?”

“When I came back from Winnipeg I weighed about 365 pounds. My doctor told me it was unhealthy to be carrying that much weight, so I decided to eat only on Sundays. I wouldn’t eat anything during the week. I drank lots of water. On Sunday, I’d go to the Mission and pig out all day until I was stuffed."

I noticed Brent, a man I work with, approaching. I said to Mo that Brent was going to Disneyland.

“Do you know what I love from Disney land? It’s the soap that’s shaped like a urinal puck. On one side there is a picture of Mickey Mouse. They have them in all the rooms. I love the smell and it’s so good for my skin.”

I called Brent over and introduced him to Mo. I said, “Brent, when you go to Disneyland, will you bring Mo some of the soap that is in the hotel rooms?”

“Why?” said Brent.

Mo replied, “It’s not because I’m dirty; it’s just that I love the smell of that soap. So, will you bring me some?”

“Okay.”

I said, “Bye Brent, I’ll see you at work.”

Toothless Carl arrived with Z. Mo attached Z’s leash to a meter on the wall behind her. They had domestic stuff to discuss, so I left.

…

At noon I went to the park, as usual. I saw Peter and Scruffy, Hoover, Sparky, Gideon, Cathy, Peru, Black John, Rene, Bert, Nancy, Elaine and Mo.

Peter called me over. “I want to show you my Tilley hat. It’s considered the Rolls Royce of hats. A friend gave it to me. Can you read without your glasses? I want you to read what’s printed inside the hat.”

“It says, that it floats, it’s waterproof, and it’s made for persnickety customers. It also gives washing instructions. There’s a four page owner’s manual, in the secret pocket, inside the crown of the hat.”

"What does persnickety mean?"

"Picky," I said.

“Isn’t that the darndest thing?”

I went up to talk with Mo. She and ‘Sausage Fingers’ Chris were talking about Z. I asked, “How long did you have to look after Z., this morning?”

“Carl came back after about half an hour. He has him now. He’s panning. I don’t like that dog. But he respects me. If he bites I snap my fingers on his nose and he’ll obey. Carl kicks him.”

Chris said, “I don’t like the way Carl treats Z. He jerked the dog right off his feet for not obeying some command. If a man treats a dog that way, he’s sure to beat a woman.”

Mo said, “I can say one thing in Carl’s defense. He’s never hit me and I’m not aware of him hitting any other woman. Nancy went out with him before, I’ll ask her.

“Nancy, when you were going out with Carl, did he ever hit you?”

Nancy said, “No, Carl never hit me. Is Chris starting a rumor that Carl hit me. Don’t believe a word he says. He’s the one that started the rumor about Rick being dead.”

“Okay,” said Chris, “This needs an explanation. Nancy has been going on about this for ten years. I don’t know why she holds on to it. Why can’t she move on! I have!

“She’d been going out with Rick for about three years. I’d known him for forty years. We grew up together. I hadn’t seen Rick around for a while and my friend, Steve, said to me, “Did you hear about Rick? The funeral is on Tuesday in Oshawa.

“I’m not good at funerals. I went to the service, but at the wake I didn’t go near the body. Why would I? My own daughter died and I still haven’t visited the grave site. I’d rather remember the good times we had together.

“Back to the wake. I expressed my condolences to Rick’s parents and family, then I left. Later on someone asked me if I’d heard from Rick and I said, ‘He died. I attended his funeral.’ This person said, ‘Rick didn’t die, he was arrested and is serving two years. It was his brother Roger who died.’ I didn’t know.

“Getting back to Nancy, it was Steve who told her that Rick had died, not me.”

As I was leaving I stopped to talk to Hoover and Elaine. Hoover said, "My friend Wayne phoned me. He wants us to come to New Brunswick to help him finish a log cabin he's building. The trees he cut were on his own property. The logs are stacked and have been drying since last year. They'll have to be peeled then he'll start building. He wants us to come up to help with the chinking, shellacing, and all the finishing stuff. It'll be a paid vacation. I'm thinking of going."

"I'm going for sure," said Elaine, "whether you come or not."

"It sounds like a great trip, " I said. "I love New Brunswick."

22 May 2012

At noon there were dark storm clouds hovering overhead. The air was muggy. On the lawn were Claude, Bert, Frank, John, Hoover and Elaine, Mo, Albert and Marilyn. As I approached the group I herd someone say, "Her comes Dennis!"

Mo came up to me and said, "I've been asking everybody if they'd seen you. When you didn't come by this morning I was so worried. I stayed on the street until 9:30 thinking that maybe you had missed your bus. Then I began to worry that, because it was a long weekend (Victoria Day in Canada), you'd been on the highway and had a car accident."

I replied, "I got a drive to work, that's why you didn't see me. I'm sorry you worried."

"It's just that I've never known you to miss coming by in the morning."

"How was your weekend?" I asked.

"Fine, Chris and his girlfriend, and another couple were over for a barbecue. Carl and I looked at an apartment for $700. a month -- a one bedroom. If I had been by myself I would have taken it. Carl is saying to everyone, 'I don't know what I'm going to do if Mo leaves.'"

That's understandable," I said, "you pay half the rent, buy groceries and do most of the cleaning."

"Carl gets a lot of money from other people who stay over, more than I pay him. I think he's afraid of being alone. So am I, for that matter. Sometimes my brain starts acting up and I'm not sure if I trust myself being on my own."

Elaine had streaks of orange, green and blue on her arms, legs and face after a wild night of bingo. She said, "Hoover wasn't even going to get on the bus with me this morning, until I cleaned my face. I asked Peter if he had a face cloth, but he didn't. I wiped it with some wet toilet paper, but I only managed to smear the smudges; now it looks like I've been in a fight."

"What time is it, Dennis? I have to see my doctor at 3:00. Hoover's gone to get his prescription filled. I hope he's not late coming back."

"Do you have far to go?"

"No, just to Sandy Hill. It's in the same building where I worked for the accountants and lawyers. I always wave at them as I'm going by their office. One of my cancers is acting up. I've had cancer twice. I only have half a nipple on my right side."

Mo was sitting on her backpack, looking at her ankles. "I haven't shaved my legs in a while. Do I look concerned?"

"I'm native," said Elaine, "I've got nothing to shave. I haven't had sex for six and a half years, so I don't even bother trimming."

"I'm half native," said Mo, "so I don't have much to worry about, just a bit of stubble. I don't have sex very often, but I still trim, just for personal hygiene and common decency."

I wasn't quite sure if Claude was awake, but I went over and sat beside him. He raised his head and shook my hand.

I asked, "How was your weekend, Claude?"

"It was okay. I've been sleeping behind the Best Western Hotel. It's quiet, nobody is opening and closing the door, nobody shitting on the floor. I was drinking outside with a friend of mine at 4:30 this morning. When Tim Horton's opened at 6:00 we went there for coffee."

"You must be tired," I said.

"No." Shortly after, he nodded off.

"Has anyone seen Rhino today?" I asked.

"Yeah, he was by earlier. I sent him on a run. He came back and kept wanting to drink from my bottle, so I told him he'd better do some panning and get his own. He seemed fine. He wasn't puking blood, like he was Friday. He wanted to get drunk, so I guess his stomach wasn't bothering him.

"I haven't had a drink for two days, but today I'm going to get drunk. I wish I could drink beer. Since my kidney trouble, I can't even stand the smell of it, but at least it would make me belch. This sherry is sitting in my stomach like a rock."

"Would you like some vodka?" asked Elaine.

"No, I wouldn't like some vodka, it would make me crazy.

"Uncle Peter isn't here today because Darrell kicked in his door. He's at home guarding his stuff. That's really ignorant of Darrell. It's Peter's place, not his. Peter is kind enough to let him stay there, and that's the way he repays him. Darrell is really something else."

The rain started, slowly at first. We moved under the trees, then it started to pour. The trees were no protection at all. Frank and Bert left to take cover under the overpass. Elaine put up her umbrella. Mo put on Scottish Dave's raincoat. "Dave's in prison, he doesn't need this, but I do. He signed himself in. He got 180 days for two counts of trying to sell crack to an under cover cop. If it was me, I would have gotten years. Once he does his time and pays his fines he'll be in the clear. That's better than trying to run."

Albert said, "I'm going to go home now."

"Do you need bus tickets," asked Mo. "I wouldn't like to see you walking all the way home in this rain."

"Thanks, Mo, I'd appreciate that."

I stood in the rain and got soaked to the skin. Claude had taken refuge in a glass bus shelter and was fast asleep. When I returned to work I took off my shirt, so it could dry in the closet, and I put on a hoodie. By six o'clock, when I was ready to leave work, my shirt was finally dry.

18 May 2012

This morning was cool and windy. Mo had her hood pulled up and her legs were wrapped in a blanket. "My tooth is really bothering me. I was eating sunflower seeds, with the shells on, and something got imbedded between my tooth and my gum. I've tried brushing, flossing, but it's below the gum line and anything I do just makes it hurt more. I had a microwave heating pack on it last night. It helped me get to sleep.

"I was on my way to the dentist this morning, then I realized that I didn't have my dental card. I went back to the house, but couldn't find it anywhere. I went to the dentist. They wouldn't see me with out my card. I said, 'This is an emergency! Will you see me now?' She said, 'I'm sorry, we can't see you without your card.' I said, 'Can't you check my records. You must have my number on file.' She said, 'Only Joyce has access to the records and she's not here today.' I said, 'You mean I have to wait until after the long weekend to get this looked at? If I threw up blood all over your computer, would someone see me then?' 'I'm sorry, ma'am.' I was so pissed off.

"Rhino's there across the street. I don't think he's doing very well. I saw him get a few drops (people dropping change into his cap), but I'm going to have to give him some pointers. He sleeps at the Sally (Salvation Army). They have access to showers, soap and razors, but his hair is so greasy that I'm sure he hasn't washed it in a week. He couldn't even get a comb through it this morning. It was disgusting.

"He's one of the few men who don't try to touch me. He knows it wouldn't get him anywhere. Even Darrell, dying of AIDS, kissed me on the cheek the other day. He did it just to bug me. He still has that open sore on his arm. He was letting his dog lick it. He said, 'It's okay, a dog's saliva is clean.' I said, 'But dude, think of what you're doing to the dog.' His answer was, 'We all die sometime.' He's wasting away to nothing. He doesn't have much time left.

"I'm really careful about who I share drinks with up there. Did I ever tell you how Little Frank got AIDS? He had a fight with his girlfriend. She may have been seeing someone else -- I don't know. Anyway, he was drunk, they had a big argument and she threw him out in the snow. He crawled into the alley and fell asleep. Sometime in the night he rolled over onto some used 'fits' (hypodermic needles). They were contaminated with HIV.

'I'm not sure about the details of how Hoover got AIDS. He was pretty messed up on crack, and he was into some anal shit. When I asked him about the AIDS he said to me, 'That's what I get from fucking a pig, in the ass, without a condom.'

"I've got Hep C. I think I got it when I had my tattoos done. I'm a carrier, but I'm not infectious. It'll kill me, but nobody else."

Rhino walked across the street. We shook hands. He said, "Mo, can I buy two cigarettes for a quarter?"

"No, but I'll give you one." Rhino threw a quarter into her hat.

"Well," said Mo, "it's 8:20 and that lady hasn't asked you to move."

"I don't think she's in today. The guy was out sweeping the sidewalk."

"You're in luck then." Rhino shrugged his shoulders and walked back across the street.

Blair walked by and said, "Hi Mo, I'm short fifty cents. Can you help me out?"

"I'll give you a quarter. Now, you're only short twenty-five cents."

"Thanks Mo."

To the world in general Mo said, "Yes, a panhandler did give him money.

"I'm really losing it. I wanted my mom to come to Ottawa before she died. I want my kids to come to Ottawa. Michael has a job as a cast fitter. I don't know what that is, but he gets paid $27.00 and hour. I miss them.

"I've got to get away from Carl. He was on my case about groceries. Yesterday, I bought two loaves of bread, some of those frozen hamburger patties and some other stuff. He bought sausages. Last night he told me he's invited Tony and Dora, Chris and his girlfriend and a bunch of other people over for a barbecue. I can't afford to be feeding all those people. He tells me that I'm not paying my share. I said to him, 'Stop inviting so many people over.' I haven't talked to him since. I pushed Z out of the way, so I could get out the door, and he knocked over Carl's table. I just left it. It's his dog, he can clean up the mess.

"I don't know if I'll be visiting the guys at noon. Maybe I will, but I'm not sure. Most of those people are getting on my nerves. I see that Suzie is hanging around with Glen. That will stop once her old man gets of jail, in a few weeks. He's the one that robbed Hoover, then beat him up because he had no bills. Then Suzie went after Elaine. You've seen how small Elaine is. Frank and I were still together then. When Frank heard about it he took the plastic handle off a bathroom plunger, sawed the bottom off it, then filled the hollow part with dimes. It must have been a couple of hundred dimes. He used duct tape to seal the sawed off end, then unwrapped a metal coat hanger and wound it around the duct tape. That made quite a jailhouse club. The next time he saw Rick, Suzie's boyfriend, he hit him three times with it. Rick didn't get up.

"I've talked to Suzie recently, she's so excited about Rick getting out. I said to her, "We've gone toe to toe together before, but if you ever try anything with Elaine again I'm going to smash your skull to pieces, and you know I'll do it."

...

At noon, as I was walking to the lawn, I met Mo and Chris 'Sausage Fingers' waiting near the bus stop. Mo introduced Chris to me as one of her best friends in the world. I remembered having met him during the winter, but he's shaved his beard and looks completely different.

Mo said, "I've had it! I snapped at John. I snapped at Rhino. I'm going home before I end up in jail. Carl is panning, so I'll have the house all to myself until about 4:30. I'll see you on Tuesday."

Sitting in his usual place was Claude. "Hi Claude, are you still at the Shepherd's or have you moved to the Salvation Army?" He said, "I'm still at the Shepherd's. I have to go there between four and six o'clock to sign the card that says I'll be staying another week."

"Has it been noisy? You mentioned that a man kept opening and closing the door. Is he still doing that?"

"Yes, he starts at six o'clock in the morning, opening and closing, opening and closing."

"I'll talk to you later, Claude. Take care."

At the lawn was Rhino, Robert, Nancy, Ruth, Albert, Peter and Scruffy, Frank, Bert and Dean. Rhino wasn't looking very well. He said,"I've been puking up blood. I've also been shitting blood. I've got ulcers, two of them."

"You should go to the hospital," said Robert.

"I can't. They won't take me. I don't have my health card. First I'd have to get my Birth Certificate, then my Social Insurance card, then I could apply for my health card."

"Why do you drink, then?" asked Robert.

"Welfare asks me the same question. I don't know why I drink. If I didn't drink I wouldn't be me. If I didn't drink I'd die."

"You should think of your mother and father. They love you, don't they?"

"They're my parents, of course they love me."

"You should quit drinking for them. Think of how they'd feel if you died."

"Everyone is going to die, but I hear you, man. Can I stay at your place this weekend? I'm feeling really rough. I couldn't take another night at the Sally right now."

"Sure, man. I have to go for my methadone treatment at one o'clock, but I'll come back, and I'll bring some beer."

Peter said to me, "I haven't been here for the past few days. I had my fifty-seventh birthday Friday. I had a forty ounce bottle, of 12 year old scotch, that I started at five thirty Saturday morning. I finished it by twelve thirty that night. I also had some sherry. The next morning I had the hangover from Hell. I'm too old to do that sort of thing any more. I was here drinking beer, on Monday, but I haven't had anything else between then and now.

"I just wanted to tell you why I hadn't been around. When somebody hasn't been around for a while, the first thing people think is that they're dead. I came here today to tell everyone that I'm not dead."

Robert said to me, "I have to go for my methodone treatment at one o'clock. When you go back to work, I'll walk with you. As we were walking I asked, "Why are you having methodone treatment?"

"My father used to beat my mother when she was pregnant. I was born three months premature. I was deaf and had to have an operation removing nine feet of my intestines." He lifted his shirt to show me his scar. "When I was older, I had a lot of pain. They prescribed oxycontin. I was on it for seven years. The methodone helps with the cravings. I also got into other drugs and became an alcoholic. I had been living with my mother, but because I was into drugs and alcohol so much she put me on the street. I'm thirty-five years old. I shouldn't have been living with my mother. Now, I have my own apartment and have more control over the drugs and alcohol.

"By the way, can you spare some change."

"I'm sorry, man. If I had it I'd give it to you, but I didn't bring my wallet with me. I don't have anything with me at all, not even bus tickets."

"That's okay. I'll see you next week."

We parted ways. He turned right onto Nepean Street to go to his methadone appointment. I walked into the building where I work.

17 May 2012

This morning was sunny, but cool and windy. Mo's plastic box was there, but Mo wasn't. I checked with Grant to ask if she had been at her spot this morning.

"Hi, Dennis, Mo was here earlier. I don't know if she's gone to the bathroom, or if she's left for the day. There she is! She's coming now!"

"Thanks, Grant, have a good day."

"Hi, Mo, how's everything this morning?"

"I don't know why I have to pee so often. Rhino's across the street shrugging his shoulders, Again! It's girl stuff."

"Does it have to do with your kidneys?"

"Yes, but I'm okay as long as I keep peeing."

"You mentioned before that it was a dark color. Are you concerned about that?"

"No, it seems fine. I think I just needed to drink more water."

"I saw Ambrose and Maryam last night, after work. I couldn't tell if she'd had an abortion or not, but it was good to see them so happy together. Ambrose seems like such a good man."

"Yes he is. I don't know what it is about Inuit women. Sila went out with another guy the night before Scottish Dave went to prison. An hour and a half after he signed himself in, she came down and expected us to be friends with her. Maryam acts the same way."

Mo and I were discussing various bars that we both had frequented in the past. I said, "My friends and I would often meet at the Prescott for beer and spaghetti."

Mo said, "The last time I was at the Prescott was with Frank. There was a woman there playing pool. She was wearing a low cut blouse and every time she bent over to take a shot, her boobs nearly fell out on the table. I walked over to her and said, 'I'm going to ask you nicely, to stop flashing my old man here. It's very rude.' People don't need to see that when they're eating. She kept doing it, so I picked up the cue ball and threw it at her; caught her right in the middle of her forehead. She was out cold. The bartender came over and said, 'Mo, this is probably a good time to leave.' I said, 'Cool, dude. We're on our way.'"

"I'm going to go over and talk to Rhino," I said, "he looks lonely."

"I told him to use that spot. That's where Crash used to pan. As long as he's in that alcove they shouldn't be able to touch him."

"Hi Rhino!"

"Hi Dennis, how's it going?"

"I'm doing fine. Have you found any more lawn mowers?"

"No, I found that last one in the garbage. It was a Craftsman 650 with a 170 c.c. motor. All I had to do was add oil and gas and away she went."

"Have you heard anything more about your inheritance?"

"No, I signed the papers last August. That's eight months ago. I don't know why it's taking so long."

A woman wearing a gray suit came over to us and said, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to move. You're sitting in front of Indigo Hotel property. "Okay," we said and left.

...

At noon it was still chilly, with the wind blowing. Tonight their is a frost warning. On Sunday Environment Canada is forecasting 84 degrees Fahrenheit. Go figure!

Sitting on the curb of the sidewalk were Frank, Sparky, John, Nancy, Ruth and Albert, Mo, Rhino, Bert, Elaine, Glen with his dog Capone, Suzie-Q and Robert.

"Hi Sparky, how are you doing?"

"I'm getting there, slowly but surely. Last night we were up until two in the morning playing Risk. I finally asked, 'Aren't you guys getting sleepy?'"

Rhino said, "We used to play that game, my mother, sister and me. My dad never wanted to play. He's go out to the garage. Another game we used to play was Clue."

"It's nice to wake up in the morning," said Sparky. "If you don't, you know that something's wrong."

"We were worried about Claude yesterday," said Rhino. "He usually joins us, but he just sat on the curb and fell asleep. We thought he might be sick."

"He's back on the rubbing alcohol," said Robert.

I said, "He also drinks Listerine."

"Both of those really mess up your mind," said Rhino. "I've tried them once, but never again."

Robert said, "I've heard of people drinking Old Spice, Aqua Velva, Purell, shoe polish, melted and strained through bread. I've heard of people 'huffing' Lysol, Clorox bleach and gasoline. They're all poisonous.

"I've been looking at the plants in the flower garden over there. One of them looks like marihuana. I know it isn't, but it sure looks like it.

"If you grow marihuana in the woods, it's best to pick a place where there are a lot of trails. People looking for it can get lost, and if someone surprises you, there are lots of escape routes.

"Where do you live, Rhino?" asked Robert.

"I'm staying at the Salvation Army now, but I'm hoping to get a place of my own.

"Where do you live?"

"Now I'm living in Orleans. I have to take the bus in for my methadone (used to treat opiate dependency for drugs such as morphine, heroin and oxycontin). It takes me from an hour to an hour and a half to get downtown."

I asked, "Why did you choose to live so far out?"

"My mother lives in Orleans. I have a bachelor apartment with a fireplace just a few blocks from her. I live on St. Joseph, right across from the Sacred Art Tattoo Parlour. I used to live on Lacasse Street, near Blake Boulevard, in Vanier. There was too much crack there."

"That's a coincidence, both Mo and I lived on Lacasse, at different times. I was two blocks from Montreal Road, Mo was closer to Blake. It's a small world.

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9. 9 May - 16 May, 2012: Conversations With Friends	ID #752600
Posted: 5-9-2012 @ 5:56 pm EDT Edited: 5-20-2012 @ 6:13 pm EDT

16 May 2012

This morning was slightly overcast with light, scattered showers. Mo was in good spirits. Frank was panning on the corner where John usually sits. John was at the medical clinic having his blood tested. Rhino waved from across the street. A strange looking man was seated directly across the street from Mo. He was holding a sign that neither of us could read.

Mo said, "I don't know what that guy is all about. Earlier he motioned me to move on, but that't not going to happen. I've been here too long, and fought too hard for this spot, to take shit from some newcomer who doesn't know how things work. I may have to go over and talk to him."

A light rain started. Mo said, "If it's just small drops I don't mind. If it's those big ass drops, then I'm taking cover. There is an overhang so, depending on the wind, if I move back to the wall I can stay dry."

"I asked, "Do you have any news about getting an apartment with Marilyn?"

"I haven't seen or talked to her since the other day at the park. I don't kow what's going on with her."

"Are you feeling better today?"

"I feel a lot better. I've been asking a few women, regulars of mine, if they have any spare tampons, because I started today. Apart from that I feel fine. Cathy and I were at Lonely Heart's place yesterday afternoon. He made a stir fry. It was a bit too sweet, but really good. Later on, at Carl's place, I cooked spaghetti. Peru, Gideon and Mina came over. Gideon was really wasted on something. He had spaghetti sauce all over his shirt, his face and his hands. I said to him, 'Gideon, go to the bathroom and clean yourself up.' Before he got up, he wiped his sauce covered hand across Carl's wall. Carl hauled him outside and told him to get lost and never come back.

"Later, after supper, Mina said, 'Okay, where's the beer?' Carl said, 'We don't have any beer.' She started swearing, so I grabbed her by the hair and threw her out the front door. She was swearing all down the block saying, 'You fuckin' bitch this, you fuckin' bitch that.' I just closed the door and let her rant.

"Carl told me, 'I'm glad you did that, because I couldn't have.'

"Peru was looking better after being straight for the last month. I said to her, 'I'll bet your mom wasn't too pleased to see all those track marks on your arm.' She said, 'No, she wasn't pleased at all.' Her family is taking her to Sudbury to visit relatives, and then back to Prince Edward Island, where her parents live. It's such a shame to see someone her age so messed up. She's only twenty-one years old.

"I told you earlier that I was feeling fine. A wave of nausea just came over me. I'm going to have to go." Mo stepped into the alley and threw up.

"I'm glad I just had water this morning, otherwise, it could have been messy. I think that came from eating so late at night.

"Ruth is staying at Albert's place now. He really likes her, but with Ruth comes her daughter Nancy and her son Harry. That's a lot of people to feed. Albert has a couple of pensions coming in. He does all right.

"If it's not raining at noon, I'll be up on the lawn with the guys. I'm not going under the Laurier Street Bridge. It's like a wind tunnel there. Look out your window before you come, you'll be able to see if any of us are around."

15 May 2012

This morning was warm, sunny and pleasant. Mo was in her usual spot. All was as it should be.

"How are you feeling, Mo?"

"I'm a lot better than yesterday. I went home, lay down and drank a lot of water. I was able to sleep most of the afternoon, until Carl came home at 4:30. This morning, I was able to keep my breakfast down."

"How is it going with you and Marilyn, getting a place together?"

"She's going to phone them today and, hopefully, we'll be able to see it this afternoon. It's furnished, that worries me a bit. I don't want to be in a place with bed bugs. There are mattress covers, that have a very fine weave, that the bedbugs can't get through. A friend of mine has one, but you can still see the bugs crawling around underneath. It creeps me out.

"Some people have told me that I shouldn't move in with Marilyn. They say she can get wild when she's drinking, but she's cut back quite a bit. I think we'll get along fine."

"If she does get wild, I'm sure you can handle her."

"No problem there."

"Have you heard anything more about the funeral for Dennis 'Fingers'?"

"That was a mistake. I talked to a friend of his and he's doing fine. He just hasn't been downtown for a while. He was in hospital and is still very weak. He prefers to pan on the Quebec side of the river, since he's been robbed several times in Ottawa. You'd think they'd pick on someone with more money. Panhandlers just make enough to get by. Whenever I get my check at the end of the month, you won't we me on the street for a couple of days.

"John is down here almost every day. I asked him, 'What are you hoarding your money for? Are you that greedy?' He's not here today, though. There was someone else sitting in his spot this morning, but it wasn't very long before a gray haired man chased him off. I don't know what that was about."

"I saw Rick yesterday, panning on Elgin Street."

"He, Rhino and Little Frank were kicked off Bank Street, but Elgin Street is even worse. The police don't like you panning on Elgin. They're patrolling it all the time. The same with the park. That's why they've been by so often. It's the same every summer."

I said, "I was talking to Claude yesterday. He's in the Wet Program at Shepherds, but he doesn't like it."

"On that program they give you a bit of home made wine every hour, sometimes it's watered down. Claude is used to drinking rubbing alcohol and Listerine. He wouldn't like drinking wine. He doesn't panhandle. I don't know where he gets his money. He probably just has a small pension.

"He's another one that won't be around much longer; another one to add to the list."

A man stopped and handed Mo a banana. She said to me, "Do you want this? Since my kidney failure my doctor said I'm not allowed to eat bananas. They have too much potassium."

...

At noon I talked briefly with Claude. He was sitting in his usual shaded place, on the curb of the sidewalk leading across the bridge, adjacent to the lawn. “Hi Claude, how did you sleep last night?”

“I slept at the Shepherd’s.”

“Yesterday you mentioned that someone was opening and closing the door all night. Did that happen last night?”

“Yes, he did that for a while.”

“How about the other man who shit on the floor. Did he do that again?”

“I don’t know. I’m not sure. I changed beds, so I’m near the kitchen. I like it better there. They have me on the Wet Program. I don’t like that.”

“I hear they give you wine every hour. Is that right? Do you like wine?”

“No, I don’t like it. They give me cheap wine, and the beer they give me has no alcohol. It’s awful.”

“How is the pain in your hands and legs?”

“My hands are worse in the morning. If I try to move them, before I’ve soaked them under hot running water, the pain goes right down to the bone. I have pains in my legs, and I can’t walk fast, but apart from that I’m okay.”

“Can you talk to the doctor? Maybe he can give you pills for your pain.”

“I’ll just wait. I’m going to move to the Salvation Army.”

“I’m going up to talk to the others. I’ll see you on my way back.”

A group of people were standing in a circle on the lawn, Albert, John, Rhino, Peter ‘Lonely Heart’ and Mo. Cathy, 'Uncle' Peter and Scruffy were sitting by the bridge railing.

As I approached, ‘Lonely Heart was giving advice to John, “For your blood test tomorrow, don’t eat after six tonight, and drink only water.”

“What do you mean, ‘drink only water?' I can have juice and coffee in the morning -- can’t I?”

“No, John, only water and lots of it. It’ll make your veins stick out, so they’ll have an easier time extracting your blood. They love to see addicts come in because they have such large veins.”

“Here, John,” said Mo, “have a swig from my water bottle so you’ll know, in advance, what it tastes like.”

John said, “My doctor wants to prescribe some pills for my alcoholism. If they make me better will I have my O.D.S.P. (Ontario Disability Support Program) cut off.”

“John, You’re too far gone,” said Mo. "You’re not going to get better.”

“'Lonely Heart' told me that they might cut off my O.D.S.P. if I get better. If that’s the case, I don’t want to get better.”

“John,“ said 'Lonely Heart', “if I said that, I was only joking. Get the doctor to prescribe as many pills as possible, and while you’re at it, tell him that you have a bladder problem and you need a diaper allowance. Wet your pants right in his office if you have to.”

Mo said, “You can let a juicy, wet fart that stains your underwear. Wear white, so the stain shows. It would have worked great yesterday when you split your pants.”

"Dennis," said 'Lonely Heart, "how long have you been around this area?"

"I've worked around here for the past five years."

"You wouldn't remember it then. This whole area used to be covered with bushes. Now, they've cut them back. Hoover and Elaine lived here for nearly a year. They had a tarp stretched out to keep the rain off. We could all sit under there and keep dry. It wasn't even visible from the sidewalk.

"There was a rumor going around, about a 'tent city' being erected; part of 'Occupy Ottawa.' It was supposed to start last Saturday. The city tore up all the grass, like they did last year. It's not so pleasant camping in the mud. I haven't heard what's going to happen next.

"So, how did you come across this group? You don't drink, you don't smoke. Did you just stop by one day and start up a conversation with someone?"

"It's not that I don't drink or smoke, I just don't do it during working hours. I've known Mo for about a year and a half. She invited me here, in January, to meet some of her friends."

"Dennis asked me if he could buy me breakfast. He does that most mornings, when I'm panning."

'Uncle' Peter called me over, "Dennis, you're really looking dapper today."

"I'm wearing Value Village from top to bottom." (Value Village is a used clothing store, similar to Goodwill or the Salvation Army Thrift Store.)

"I don't care what you're wearing. I just wanted to say something nice to you. I just celebrated my fifty-seventh birthday. I wanted you to know that. I'm more miserable and grumpy than ever. I've been really nasty to Cathy. Half the people here I don't talk to at all. I just like to come down some times to have a few beer, talk to my friends.

"How is Scruffy doing under her trailer? I can't see her."

"She's got her head out, watching what's going on. Trying to decide who to bite next."

"I won't keep you, Dennis. I just wanted to shake your hand, and I'm not sure I can get up."

John was asking Mo, "What's Cathy's problem? She hasn't said more than three words since she's been here."

"She's got the same problem I've had all week; she's starting menopause. Since September, my period hasn't been regular. It's all over the place -- four months off, one month on. It leaves me feeling miserable."

14 May 2012

The weather at noon was perfect. As I was walking down Elgin Street I met Rick. He was panning near Laurier Street. Rick is diabetic and was taken to the hospital by paramedics last week. I gave him a wave as I passed.

"How's it going, bro?"

"Great, Rick!"

As I turned right on the sidewalk, toward the lawn, I saw Claude sitting by himself on the curb, in the shade. "Hi, Claude, How are you today?"

"Everyone is up on the lawn. I'm not so good today. I have pains in my legs and in my hands. It feels good just to sit here and stretch my legs out. It's because I drink too much. What I drink (rubbing alcohol diluted with water) costs me $2.35 a bottle. That's all I can afford, but it's not good for me. I think I have arthritis in my hands." He stretched his fingers to show me how stiff and swollen they were. "In the morning, I have to hold my hands under hot, running water for a while, just to get my fingers moving."

"Have you tried hot baths, for your legs?" I asked.

"I don't have a bath tub. I'm staying at the Shepherd's now, but I have to find a new place. They have me on the Wet Program. I don't know why? I don't like it. I used to be on the other side.

Wet Program: Shepherd's of Good Hope

Partnering with Inner City Health, this area provides 12 beds for chronically homeless, alcoholic, high risk males. The Programs intent is to reduce harm to the individual and to the community by preventing binge drinking of alcohol and alternate stimulants. (mouth-wash, purell, aqua velvet etc.) It also reduces emergency services (police calls, ambulance, hospital stays, cells etc.), decreases the number of incidents in the community (aggressive pan handling, passing out on the streets) and restores dignity and creates a sense of community. The Program provides ongoing health assessments, access to counseling, social and clinical services.

"There's too much noise. One guy there, he opens and closes the door all night long: open, close, open, close. The man in the bunk beside me, he speaks French, so that's good, but in the middle of the night, instead of going down the hall to the bathroom, he sits at the edge of his bed and shits on the floor, not once, but twice. That's no way to act, shitting on the floor like that. I'm going to move to the Salvation Army. I think it will be better there."

The next person I met, walking down the sidewalk was Rhino. "Hi, Rhino. How did you make out selling that lawn mower?"

"I took it down near the Mission. A taxi driver stopped and asked me if I wanted to sell it. I said, 'Sure!' He gave me ten dollars for it.

"Today, I got kicked off Bank Street. A cop gave me half of a Subway sandwich. Five minutes later, another cop came along and told me to move away from there. I only made $1.72, plus the sandwich.

Sitting on the lawn were John, Robert, Nancy, Bert, Ruth and Albert. I shook hands all the way around. Nancy said, "Dennis this is my friend, Robert. He's deaf, but he can read lips."

"Hi, Robert," I said.

"God bless, he said."

Standing near the railing of the bridge were Marilyn, Peter 'Lonely Heart' and Mo. Marilyn borrowed Mo's cell phone and walked away.

"Hi, Mo. How has it been going, finding a new place?"

"Marilyn found a two bedroom apartment on Daly Street, close to downtown. She walked by, it looked good from the outside. She may be phoning about it right now. There's also a friend of Carl's that would rent me a room for $450 a month.

"I'm not feeling so well today. Yesterday I was drinking vodka and cranberry juice. It didn't agree with me.

"You couldn't buy me a bottle of sherry, could you?"

"I'm sorry Mo, I don't have any cash with me. I can give you some bus tickets, but I don't have any Subway cards. They ran out and won't have any more until next month.

"I probably couldn't handle the sherry anyway. The thought of it makes me feel sick."

I asked Peter 'Lonely Heart' , "Was it your birthday on Friday?"

"No, it was Uncle Peter's, the one with Scruffy. We had a party at my place. Elaine and Hoover brought over some spaghetti sauce. We sat around playing dice. Peter, Elaine and Hoover left early. I've been eating spaghetti since Friday. I've had so much It's coming out my ass, literally."

"John said, "I bet that Mo doesn't remember the first time we met. I was panning in her old spot. Of course, I moved when she came along. That's only right."

"John, I paid you for that spot. I don't remember how much, but it was some cigarettes and change. Then you moved across the street, to the corner, where you go now. That's when Crash Test was still in town. He sat directly across the street from me."

"I remember," said John. "You would throw hand fulls of pennies at him. One time you threw a pear. It splattered all over the wall, and all over Crash. The pigeons loved it, they were all over him pecking at pieces of pear. He said, 'You didn't have to throw it so hard.'

John started packing his bag to leave. "I'm concerned that the cops will come again and I'll lose all my beer. I've got more to lose than anybody here." He walked back to say good bye to Robert, Nancy, Bert and Albert.

When he was out of earshot, Mo said, "That guy really annoys me. He talks even more than Carl, and what he says doesn't make any sense." Fifteen minutes went by and John was still saying his good byes.

"Hey, John!" said Mo, "I thought you said you were leaving. Why don't you quit saying good bye and just go away."

"In that case," said John, "I'm not leaving, so 'Liar, liar pants on fire, kissed the boys and made them cry.'"

"John," I said, "I think you have your nursery rhymes mixed up."

"Yeah," he said, "I guess that was Georgie Porgie. Oh, well."

Mo said, "Get out of my face, John, or I'll kill you! John, I will kill you!"

"Okay, Mo, take it easy." John quietly left.

"Dennis," said Lonely Heart, some Saturday you'll have to come over. All but two of us here have our own places, or else we share. We can have a couple of beer, smoke a few joints, maybe play some dice.

"Sounds good."

11 May 2012

The sun was shining this morning and Mo was in better spirits. I said, "I see that you don't have Z with you today."

"This morning Carl said to me, 'Z needs to go out for a pee.' I said to him, 'dude, she's your dog. It was you that wanted exercise, so you walk her, you feed her, you train her, or you get rid of her.' I was so angry yesterday that I didn't say more than five words to him.

"I've got to get away from Carl. He woke me up at 12:30 in the morning with the sound of him smacking his lips as he ate. He's always swearing, it's pussy this, asshole that, blow job something else. I said to him, dude, if you want any woman to come anywhere near you, you need to do something about your hygiene, and brush your teeth.

"He's a red head, as you've noticed. I've never liked the smell of red heads. Even after he showers he has an odor about him."

I said, "I was talking to Lewis yesterday. I've met him, on at least four previous occasions, where we talked at some length. He had me mixed up with a priest; a radio talk show host; a judge, before whom he'd appeared; and a guy, in some bar, who ignored him."

"Yeah, I talked to him yesterday. I found that he was acting weird. That's what happens when you drink Listerine and rubbing alcohol, and the smell stays with you for days. He came on to me, he said, "Mo, I've always found you attractive. Since Frank is in prison, do you think we could get together?' I said to him, 'Dude, I'll tell you the same thing I told you last time you asked me that. No, never, nada, it's not going to happen.'

"I saw Sparky, Pam and her asshole boyfriend yesterday. Did you see her eye? It was bruised and nearly swollen shut. That's why she was wearing the shades all day. She said, 'I fell.' I said to her, 'You're talking to a woman who was beaten on a regular basis. Don't tell me that you fell. I know what a bruise from a punch looks like.' Then she admitted that he'd hit her. It's a shame she's such a sweet girl."

I said, "I've heard people say that they ran into a door knob." Mo laughed, "Yeah, you'd have to be on your hands and knees for that to happen.

"I have to see Glen, so I may see the guys this afternoon, maybe not. Lately, I'm turned off with all of them.
The only one who doesn't try to touch me is Carl. Bert is the worst. He said, 'Little one, why don't you come over to my place. You could even spend the night.' I said, 'No, dude, I'm not interested.'

"I have to pee again. That's another reason I can't have a dog here. I can't just leave her here alone while I go to the restaurant to use their washroom. I'm going to leave soon, so will I see you at lunch?"

"I'll be there. If you're there fine, if not, that's fine too. Do what feels good for you. Take care of yourself first."

...

At noon the sun was still shining, I didn't wear a jacket, but found it a bit cool with the wind. The first person I saw was Claude. He said, "You know, yesterday on Laurier Street, I thought I saw you. I went up to shake your hand, but when I got up close It wasn't you."

I said, "There must be someone else in town that looks just like Kenny Rogers."

"Like Kenny Rogers, yes."

When I got to the lawn there was a big crowd. The first to approach me was Rhino. "Dennis, how you doin'?"

"I'm good Rhino, how about you."

"You know, I'm okay, I've been around. I found this lawn mower. It was just sitting there. It does mulching, side discharge or rear bagging. It runs. I started it, but it ran out of gas. I'm going to try to sell it."

I met Jan, who I haven't seen before. He was wearing a cowboy hat with plastic flowers around the brim. He said, "I have my name tatooed on my wrist in case I forget it. I'm sixty-five and my memory's not so good."

"I'm sixty-five as well." I said. "I have difficulty remembering names, so I may have to check your wrist the next time we meet."

"I go to a lot of Karaoke bars. I love to sing. I was in the Pro-Life parade yesterday. I don't have an opinion, one way or the other, but I love to sing and dance. They had some great music." He move on to talk to Mo. They'd met before.

Harry said to me, "I see you're having problems with your leg."

"Motorcycle accident," I said. "I had seven breaks in my right leg. I have a steel rod from my hip to my knee."

"Do you still ride?"

"No. Do you?"

"I've had a lot of problems, starting when I was nine months old. I've got a bad back. I had learning difficulties in school. I have some mental problems. Now, I'm alcoholic."

Mo came up to me and said, "Dennis, could you do a big, big favor for me. I know it's your lunch hour, but I owe Bert $40.00 and he's watching me like a hawk. If I give you the money could you buy me two bottles of Imperial sherry from the World Exchange? It's $7.49 a bottle."

"Sure, no problem."

When I returned, Mo, Elaine and Hoover, Marilyn, Nancy and Harry were all standing on the corner of the street. Mo motioned to me in the direction of the lawn. "Police!" Mo whispered, "Someone yelled six up (the police are nearby, so whatever you are doing that is illegal you'd better hide it) and everyone took off. Most, because they were carrying either liquor, pot, pills or cigarettes smuggled from the U.S."

Most of the cigarettes come from the American side of the Akwesasne Mohawk Territory, the reserve straddling the borders of Quebec, Ontario and New York state. The cigarettes are removed from their packages and put in clear re-sealable plastic bags. Natives, or someone driving for them, will load the trunk of their car with illegal cigarettes for sale in other parts of the province or central Canada. Legal cigarettes would have a government seal on the packaging to prove that Canadian taxes had been paid, and they'd have a cancer warning.

Everyone from the lawn relocated to the low concrete wall at the edge of the park. I talked to Elaine. "The cops were just talking, they didn't take anyone away. When I was leaving, the woman cop said to me, 'Don't forget the bag with your beer.' Actually I'd hidden my beer, but I had cigarettes in my pack. Since I'm native I'm allowed, but it looks suspicious having them in clear plastic bags. I'd just say, 'I bought them at the Rideau Center.' You can get anything at the Rideau Center. Right?" (The Rideau Centre is Ottawa's largest indoor mall, it's also a meeting place where illegal substances, and services, aren't regulated by the chain stores or the law.)

There was sadness as the news circulated that Dennis 'Fingers' had passed away. The regulars had known and loved him for over fifteen years. I never met him, but I know that he will be missed.

Mo, Z and Carl we're sitting together. Z snuggled up to Mo. "Now you're being friendly." Mo reached around to pet her and Z bit her arm. "Did you see that? She bit me. She bit one of my regulars yesterday."

Mo said to Carl, "Why are you being so cheezie?"

"Oh, now you're going to talk to me. You haven't said more than five words to me since yesterday."

"So, why are you in a bad mood?"

"I've only had a six pack of beer this entire week. I've got no pot, no money, nothing to drink."

"We've got pot."

"You mean, you've got pot."

"I mean, we've got pot and I'll buy you some beer later. Now, stop pouting. Do you want a sip from my bottle?"

"That goof, no thanks."

"It's just watered down, it tastes the same."

"I got a bottle coming."

"If you'd get your sorry ass out of bed in the morning, you could come down with me and make some money."

"I will tomorrow."

"I'll hold you to that. Come 4:30 I'm going to be flipping the lights on and off. I'll be yelling, "Carl, get the fuck up."

Two young women came by from the Salvation Army. Mo said, "I hate those bitches, especially the blonde one. When I was sleeping behind the dumpsters, behind Starbucks, with Frank. Trying to bathe in the washroom of the restaurant. They said to me, 'We can't help you, because you're not a man.' They helped Frank. They helped Elaine and they helped Marilyn. I think it's because Elaine is native and Marilyn is Inuit. I don't have my status card that says that I'm metis."

Marilyn came over. She is a small pleasant woman, always polite, always smiling even though she has no teeth. Mo said, "You talk to that bitch." Marilyn said, "Seena? I have to, she's my worker."

Mo said, "The Salvation Army is the biggest fucking organization in the country and they do nothing. That blonde one is the worst. You see, she stays away from me. She knows what she'll get." Mo bared her teeth, hissed and snarled at the woman, gnashed her teeth. "Of course, if I hit her I'd go straight to jail. She'd better keep her distance."

Marilyn said to Mo, "I heard that you're getting your own place. Would you like a roommate?"

"That would be great. I would have asked you, but I thought you were still with your old man."

"No, I kicked him out. I said,' Until we can go for six months without an argument, I don't want to live with you.'

"Thank you, thank you thank you. I'm so looking forward to moving in with you."

I thought they were going hug each other, jump up and down and scream, but that my have been seen to attract too much attention, especially with the police so near. They were parked on the curb, near the lawn to see if people came back.

Mo said, "It will be so nice, for a change, to have a place that smells feminine, instead of one that's full of men's farts."

I said, "Oh, I forgot. Women don't fart."

"Not as much as men do (it's been scientifically proven that men and women fart the same amount.), we don't pee on the toilet seat, or leave the seat up."

"Women rule!" I said.

"You got that right, mister!" said Marilyn.

"Mo said, "I just know that we're going to get along great. There are none of these other women that I'd want to share with, and definitely none of the guys."

"My boyfriend won't even be sleeping over."

Mo said, "I don't care if he does. With Frank in prison, I can't see anyone staying over with me, except perhaps Lonely Heart."

"Aren't you worried about him stealing from you?" I asked.

"I've nothing to steal, except my bed.

"I'll go to the Mission tomorrow to see if there are any listings."

"I'll go to Shepherd's," said Marilyn. "Thank you. Thank you. Thank you." then walked away. Mo said, "You know, she reminds me of myself when I was with Frank. I was always saying, 'I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.' With Marilyn it's, 'Thank you, thank you, thank you.' I'll have to get her to stop that, it's getting on my nerves."

I said, "I'm glad to see you happy, Mo. I'll see you Monday."

10 May 2012

The weather this morning was cold and damp. I saw Mo sitting on her plastic storage container with Dave's raincoat wrapped around her knees and Z tied up to a meter attached to the library. She did not look happy.

"Carl has an appointment with his dentist and his probation officer, so I'm dog sitting Z. I'm not happy. Z chewed a hole in my sleeping bag and generally wrecked the house. Right now, I'm ready to kill her. She's driving me insane with her barking. I told Toothless he should get rid of her. She's a biter."

Mo's telephone rang. "Carl your dog is driving me nuts. She's eaten all her dog food, all her treats and she's just knocked over her water dish for the second time. Oh, you find that's funny do you? She's scaring people away. I've only made two dollars this morning. So where are you now, and when will you be back? Hurry up will you? You're still laughing! Oops, she ran away. She pulled the knot loose and she's running down the block. How do I know where she's going?

"Okay, she didn't run away, but she's your dog! You walk her! You take care of her!

Mo wasn't wearing her spinner ring today. I asked her why she didn't have the ring from Frank resized, so it would fit her finger. She said, "I'm not ready for that. I think I'm better off living alone. This other ring is from Joanne, she died of AIDS.

"I'm going to Oasis today, to have the forms filled out for my medical card. Perhaps, I'll see you at lunch. I'm not sure what I'm going to do.

...

At noon, at the low concrete wall, I met with Dean, Louis, Irwin and Malvena, Sparky and his daughter Pam, who is an attractive young woman. She is friendly, happy and sober.

Irwin said, "How are you doing, man? It's been a long time. My best friend just died, that's why I'm messed up like this." Malvena was concerned about the time, so they left.

I've Met Lewis at least three times before, but he mistook me for a priest, a judge, a radio talk show host and someone who ignored him at a bar. He is alcoholic, but he seemed fairly sober.

"I have ADHD, that's what they tell me. My mother is in hospital on a ventilator. I lied to her. I said I was coming home to visit her. I tried, but I was thrown off the bus, because I was drunk. She wants to die naturally, like my grandmother did, but they have her hooked up to all these tubes.

"I'm from Regina, 1409 Retallack Street. I haven't told that to anyone, not even the police. Do you see them over there, across the street. They're just waiting to try to arrest me for something (in fact, they were there to supervise an anti-abortion rally).

"I'm a demon, I'm the devil himself. Will you hear my confession?"

"Louis, I'm not a priest, I'm not even an expert on Christianity, I practise Buddhism. I'll hear your confession if you want. I've heard lots of confessions."

"Father, I don't know how to start. It's been such a long time. I've killed people."

"Louis, that's in the past, it's a memory. It's time to forgive yourself. I can see that you're a good man. You care for people. Now, is the time you can do the most good for others."

"I can't forgive myself. I want to be an artist. I am an artist. I made a dream catcher and took it of Beaded Dreams to sell it. The owner said it was no good, so I spat on it and left it. The next night his front window was kicked in. The owner thought I did it. The police came over and checked my shoe size. They said, 'No. it wasn't him.'

"I have spiritual powers, I've studied to be a shaman for my people, but I've lost my way. I need to be on the radio for an hour to explain my theories about how the system should be changed. Can you arrange that for me? We need a school for aboriginal children. Do you agree with me?"

"I agree with you, Louis, but I don't know anyone in radio. I'll do some research I'll try to come up with some names.

"You take care, Louis. You're a good man.

"How are you, Sparky?"

"You know me. I'm always the same."

I said to Dean and Pam, "Sparky, Hoover and I used to be neighbors in Cabbagetown, Toronto."

"Actually, I was more in Parkdale."

"Where did you Sleep, Sparky. Do you have a regular place where you go?"

"I sleep wherever I choose. If I feel tired I lay down and sleep wherever I am."

I gave Sparky some bus tickets, "Make sure you share those with Pam."

"If he doesn't, I'll just wait until he's asleep and take them then."

"You know your father well." I said and then I left.

9 May 2012

"Hi, Mo, how's it going? I didn't know whether or not to expect you today because of the rain forecast."

"Yeah, it did rain a little bit, earlier. I did my little rain dance, you know, 'Rain, rain go away, come again another day', I brought Dave's raincoat, just in case, but it was nothing to be concerned about. I don't mind light rain, it's those huge raindrops that I hate."

"How are you feeling?"

"Last night my stomach was doing flip flops. When I got out of bed I threw up. I try to eat a bland breakfast, so I had a poached egg on toast. As soon as I got it down, I puked it up."

"Have you heard anything from Rick, since the paramedics took him away?"

"He was fine once they got some insulin into him. Yeah, he's back. He's really pissed off with the cop, Constable B. Covic. He even tried to prevent Carl from phoning 911. Rick is in bad shape with his diabetes and cancer. I'm not sure, but I think it's all through his internal organs. He's on massive doses of oxycontin. The cop apologized, asked if there was anything he could do and handed him his card. Rick just flicked it back at him. He's going to press charges.

"The cop kept poking Frank with his baton. I don't know what that was all about.

"Bert told me that yesterday the R.C.M.P (Royal Canadian Mounted Police) rousted everyone from under the Laurier Street bridge. They'd gone there to get out of the rain. Everyone was given liquor violations. I'm glad I wasn't there. That's the first time I've heard of the R.C.M.P getting involved. I've always acted like, 'Nya, nya, nya, can't touch me.' I guess they can.

"I have an appointment on the 15th at Bronson Centre to meet with an anger management counselor. It's better than going to Horizon House and being in a classroom full of women. I'd probably go nuts and kill someone. I don't like being around a lot of women, especially Inuit women who used to hang around the bench. The yapping would never stop. And they'd keep asking me for a drink out of my bottle. I had to learn to say, No, get your own. This is all I've got."

"Carl and I were talking about getting an apartment together, but the more I think about it, the more I think I should get a place of my own. Carl has a heart of gold, he'll help anyone, but it costs a lot in groceries. Like the barbecue we had on Saturday. I can't believe the amount that Carl eats. That's why he's so fat. He say, 'I have a big appetite.' I say look dude, that doesn't mean you have to eat fifteen times a day. When he serves me a plate of food it's enough to keep me going for three days.

"We've got a problem with mice. Carl keeps bugging the landlord about it. I said to Carl, "Make sure he knows that you've got a dog. Z gets into everything. He's supposed to bring some traps over. He said to Carl, 'If you keep bugging me I'm going to throw you out. Carl said, 'I'm not going anywhere. I'm staying right here.' We'll see what happens.

A man stopped and put an apple in Mo's cap. "Do you want an apple? I usually give them to Bert, but he's getting too fat. He doesn't need any more to eat."

"Sure, thanks, I'll take it."

"I've made over forty bucks today. That's more than I've made for a long time. You must be good luck for me.

A tall, good looking black man passed by, smiled and said hello to Mo. "Hi, handsome, gimme five." He slapped Mo's hand and mine. "One day he threw some folded bills in my cap. I psread them out. It was four twenties. I said, "Hey man, this is too much." He just kept walking and said, 'You keep it.' That's the most money I've ever got at one time.

"I talked to Bert on the phone this morning. He said, 'So, little one -- he calls me little one, because I used to be a lot bigger -- are you going to come down and visit us today?.' I owe him thirty bucks, but he's going to have to wait until the end of the month. That's what I was talking to Frank about. He's owed me seventy for about a year. I asked him about it and he said, 'I thought you said to forget about it. "Dude, I didn't say forget about it, I said, shove it up your ass. That's not the same thing."

"Do you go to the library?" I asked.

"I used to go there to use the washroom. My eyesight is not so good any more. I'm near sighted, I can see things far away, but up close everything is blurry. Frank is farsighted. When we'd be waiting for the bus together, he’d ask, 'Is that our bus coming?' 'No,' I'd say, 'not that one, the one further down the street."

"Did you get to spend a night in the motel?"

"No, I should have. Maybe I will next month, but who knows what's going to happen next month?

…

It was muggy today at ‘the curb’. As I was approaching Harry came up to me and asked, “Hey, can you spare two bucks, that’s all I need.”

“I said, I don’t have any cash, but I can give you a Subway card worth $5.00.”

“Would you be offended if I sold it for two bucks?”

“Do whatever you like.”

“It’s tempting, but I wouldn’t do that to you bro.”

Sitting or standing were Claude, Hoover, Daniel, Marilyn, Bert, Mo, Susan, Sparky, John, Albert, Nancy, Harry, Mina and Michael. Handshakes all around.

I said, “We can all just pretend there is a bench here.”

Bert Said, “They take away our bench, we’re still here, They take away the garbage container, we’re still here. They mow down our trees, we’re still here. What are they going to do next? Are they going to mow us down?”

I sat between Bert and Mo. “I’m really buzzed.” Said Mo. “Look at all the people here. Some of them I just can’t put up with any more. Sparky was a good friend a couple of years ago, but he can’t even speak sense now. He’ll be asleep before you know it. Makes us all look bad. The last thing we need is to attract attention.

”This is one of those days when I’d rather not be alive.” She was crying and started coughing. “Tomorrow I’m going to Oasis to get my forms filled out. They say it will take two or three weeks for me to get my medical card. They’ll want me to quit drinking.”

“What kind of symptoms do you get with alcohol withdrawl?”

“I throw up a lot, lose my appetite -- what little I have -- get the shakes really bad, sweats, nausea, headache, anxiety, a rapid heart beat, increased blood pressure, halucinations. Last time it looked like the ground beneath my feet was crawling with bugs.”

“I smell something burning,” said Bert. “Has Susan fallen asleep with a cigarette? Maybe her clothes are burning.”

Mo checked, “No, she doesn’t have a cigarette.”

Bert said, “I smelled something, but maybe it was over there. I don’t know. There is something falling. Is it snow? No, it’s coming from the trees. It’s green. Is that what they call pollenization? These green things fall on the earth and they grow. If they fall in the leaves over there there’s not enough light. If they fall on the grass they get mowed. Is it the maple leaves that fall like helicopters?”

Susan awoke and said, “Did somebody mention something about maple bacon?”

“That sounds like something that Carl cooked the other day. Maple, anything, is just wrong. I don’t even eat pancakes any more. French toast I’ll do, but with only a tiny bit of syrup.”

“They’ve got Honey Jack Daniels now,” said Susan. “That’s good.”

Mo whispered to me, “I’d like to kill her.

"See my rings? This one on my thumb is a spinner ring. The inside stays still and the outside spins. On my other thumb is Frank's twelve step ring. Well, it's mine now. We were in Trillium Jewelry when he bought it. He said, "Do you see anything you fancy?' I said, "No, not really." Se said, 'I saw you looking at a ring over there. Do you want it?' I said, 'Okay.' They're so big, I have to wear them on my thumb. Frank wanted me to put it on the fourth finger of my left hand. This other one, was given to me by a girlfriend, Joanne. She's passed on (Mo crossed her heart). It's my birthstone, amethyst.

"When I've been panning people have said t me, 'If you want money, sell your jewelry!' These are only silver. They're not worth anything to anybody else."

“I was talking to Lonely Heart the other day,” said John. “He feels like he’s being pushed out of the group.”

“Well,” said Mo, “if he’d quit stealing from us... There’s nothing worse than someone who would steal from his friends. Well, a jailhouse thief is worse. Everybody has their tiny ration of coffee, or toothpaste. It really sucks when somebody takes it on you. If they get found out they end up, a pile in the corner, beaten by somebody’s bitch.”

Hoover said, “Lonely Heart was at Elaine’s the other day. He drank six of her beer and every time he went through the kitchen he took some of my pot and put it in his cigarette pack.”

“Mo said, “I was at Bert’s place when Lonely Heart was there. Bert went to the bathroom and Lonely Heart grabbed a stack of DVD’s and was going to put them in his pack. I said, ‘No you don’t!’

Bert said, “It was the next night that he stole pot from me.”

It was time for me to go. I said to Mo, “They’re forecasting rain for later on.”

“I’m okay, I’ve got Dave’s raincoat. It even covers my feet. When I pull the hood up I’ll stay nice and dry. He’s so big that it fits me like a tent. Before he went to prison, I told him to ask for the high protein diet. He's going to really gain weight there. That's what I've asked for whenever I've been inside. You get a lot of different kinds of meat, peanut butter. I used to put that in my pocket and save it until later, when I was back in my cell.”

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8. 30 April - 7 May, 2012: Conversations With Friends	ID #752029
Posted: 4-30-2012 @ 3:23 pm EDT Edited: 5-9-2012 @ 5:58 pm EDT

7 May 2012

On a low concrete wall, facing Elgin Street, were Gideon, Hoover and Elaine, Claude, Marilyn and Mo.

I walked up to Elaine and said, "Hi neighbor!" She and Hoover laughed.

I said to Mo, "On Friday Hoover, Elaine and I took the number 14 together. It turns out that Elaine lives about four blocks from me, and Hoover, Sparky and I all lived a few blocks from each other in Cabbagetown, Toronto.

"Elaine, do you live in the first Highrise on Morisset?

"Yes, I have a basement apartment there."

"That's the same building that my son lives in."

I said to Mo, "Elaine also mentioned that she had lived near Lacasse Avenue in Vanier. That's the street I lived on."

"You lived on Lacasse? So did I! I was in the pink house, nearer to Blake Boulevard."

"I was in the basement of a four-plex, in the second block from Montreal Road."

"So, we lived about three blocks apart, cool. It's a small world. Maybe, we walked right by each other."

Hoover said, "Did you see what they've done, 'the bench' is gone. We're stuck with sitting here in the sun. Even the wrought iron garbage container is gone."

Mo said to me, "Rick passed out due to insulin shock, so Carl phoned 911. Rick should carry extra insulin with him, but he doesn't. Also, he hasn't eaten. He was more concerned with having a joint. The same thing happened at the barbecue Saturday. He has cancer and has pretty well given up on life. I'd never do that, no matter what condition I was in. I'm too much of a bitch."

The paramedics arrived with an ambulance. They loaded Rick, onto a gurney, into the ambulance, then Rick was gone.

The police arrived and complained to Frank about garbage near where the bench used to be. There was one plastic soft drink container, that some one had used to carry water for their dog. He said to the police officer, "For one thing, it's not our garbage. For another thing the garbage container has been taken away and there's nowhere for us to put the garbage." The officer responded by pushing Frank across the sidewalk. He staggered and nearly fell.

Everyone was wondering what Carl was saying to the police. Mo said, "That dude has verbal diarrhea. It starts first thing in the morning and doesn't end until he goes to sleep. I'm going up there to get Z. That's all I need is for Carl to go to jail and I'll be stuck with that dog. I don't even like him.

Mo went up to get Z. Carl said, "I'm not going to jail!"

Carl phoned 911 again and said, "Officer B. Covic pushed my friend, and I'm scared he's going to hit me with his billy club. I wish to make a formal complaint. Yes, I'll stay on the line."

Mo said to the officer, "Look dude, my friend is on a lot of pain medication for AIDS. That's why he's staggering. He's very sick."

"And how would you know that?" said Officer Covic.

"Because he's my friend, dude. I know the medical histories of all these people here."

"Why is it you're not messed up like this guy?"

"Because, I choose not to be, dude!"

Frank was forced to walk to the opposite end of the bridge.

Mo, Carl and Z returned to the rest of the group sitting on the wall.

Peter 'Lonely Heart' said to me, "You should complain to the National Capital Commission about the removal of the bench and the garbage container. As it is, the closest place to put garbage is at the far end of the bridge. Also, the remaining benches are all in direct sunlight. You should tell them that you work in the area and like to sit in the shade to eat your lunch."

"I could do that." I said.

"How are you Gideon? Where are you sleeping now?" I asked.

"I'm staying at the Mission."

"You've really got a great voice. Has it always been like that? I wish I had a deep voice like yours. Do you sing?"

"A lot of people have said I should be a blues singer, but I don't sing that well. I just sing for fun, when I'm alone."

"How was your weekend, Mo?"

"It was good. Saturday, at Carl's place, we had a barbecue for Christine's birthday. She's Inuit. We didn't know that her birthday wasn't actually until Sunday, but it didn't matter. Her boyfriend, Chris came and Carl's dad. Carl cooked some delicious pork chops. We had macaroni salad and regular salad. I can't believe how much I ate. Usually I just pick at my food, but this was so good that I licked my plate.

"I have a real bed now and Z sleeps with Carl. Saturday, Carl will be leaving for a few days and he'll be taking Z. I'm looking forward to having the whole place to myself. I'm looking forward to the quiet.

"On the 29th of this month, I have a court appearance for the breach I got while I was in hospital. My p.o. (probation officer) wants to meet with me after court, but she's going to be the duty officer that day. I could wait forever to see her. I said to her, 'Why can't you tell me in court, what it is you have to say?' I'm going to phone her and say I'll come in the following day.

"I'm going to the Bronson Center to have counseling for my anger management. I'll be seeing a counselor one on one. It's the place where chicks go for addiction treatment."

...

At 6:00 pm, as I was waiting for my bus home, I saw Ambrose walking towards me.

"Good evening, sir," he said.

"Ambrose it's so good to see you! How've you been? How's Maryam?"

He put his fist to his forehead. Lines appeared between his eyes that welled up with tears. "I'm so agitated! Not frustrated, agitated! Maryam is four months pregnant and tomorrow she's going to see about an abortion.

"That's why I'm drinking. That's what we do, where I come from, when things get to be too much."

"I understand, Ambrose, drinking helps to numb the pain."

"It doesn't though. I hurt so bad inside. I don't know how she can do that to my child. I'm hoping that tomorrow, they tell her she's too far along, they refuse to give her an abortion."

"Ambrose, Perhaps that will happen. I'm sure that will happen."

"I'll take care of the child myself if I have to."

"I'm a father myself, Ambrose, but I can't even imagine how much pain you are feeling right now. I'll say a prayer for you, that everything works out as you wish it to. You're a good man, Ambrose. You'd make a good father."

"It's helped a lot being able to talk to someone about it. Thank you, my friend.

"Take care, Ambrose. My heart goes out to you. Perhaps, I'll see you tomorrow."

4 May 2012

Flashback to 1968:

My first encounter with a pan handler was when I moved to Toronto to live with my brother, Jack. Being a story teller himself, he viewed pan handlers as follows: If they present you with an interesting, unique story of why you should give them change, that story has value and should be rewarded accordingly.

The corner of Dundas and McCaul, near where we lived, was a corner I had to pass each morning on my way to work. There was no way around it. On the corner, every morning, was Sam, a pan handler. He wore slippers, his clothes were ragged, but neat and clean. I'd guess his age to be in the late seventies. Each morning Sam would have a different hard luck story to tell me, "Good morning, could you spare a quarter so that I could buy something to eat. My stomach is rumbling. Do you hear it? I'm diabetic, so it's imperative that I eat on a regular schedule or I could go into diabetic shock." How could I say no?

At that time bus, streetcar and subway fares were a quarter. By comparison, an adult bus fare in Ottawa is now $3.30. I always made sure that I had an extra quarter for Sam. One morning, just for fun, I ran up to Sam and said, "Can you spare me a quarter! I've been late for work twice this week and if I'm late again I'll be fired!" Sam reached both hands into his pockets and they came out full of quarters. "Here, take all you need," he said. I graciously accepted a quarter.

From then on, I just gave Sam the quarter every day and asked about his life. "What time do you come out here, Sam?"

"I'm here for the 6:00 am traffic, people walking to work. When rush hour is over I work my way along Dundas to Gerrard where I have lunch at the Yonge Street Mission. I have my cart, so I pick up bottles along the way; anything I can find a use for. I’m good at fixing things. I get a lot of good things on garbage day. I look for cigar butts. Once a week I'll treat myself to a new cigar. After that I work my way up to College, turn west and arrive at the Scott Mission, on Spadina, for supper. I follow the same route every day. I've gotten to know a lot of people, so there are plenty of opportunities to stop and chat for a while. A friend of mine owns a restaurant, so I stop there for tea."

Through our discussions I learned that Sam had his own room. He didn't drink. He had a lady friend, but liked his independence. He also earned more money than I did, but he worked hard for it.

My girlfriend, Sydney and I were walking along College Street on our way home from work. It was a warm sunny day and we had decided to walk, rather than taking the streetcar. Unexpectedly, we met Sam. He winked at me and said, “Excuse me ma’am, I’m trying to collect enough money to visit my sick sister in Hamilton. Could you help me out?” Sydney reached into her purse and pulled out a handful of change. Sam continued, “My sister is in hospital.” Sydney pulled out another fistful of change. “She has to have a very serious operation.” She shook her purse and gathered the last bit of change and handed it to Sam. “My mother’s also sick.” Sydney handed him a twenty. “I’m sorry,” she said, “This is all the money I have.”

“Thank you very much ma’am. My mother, sister and I appreciate your generosity very much. We’ll say a prayer for you.”

“What a nice man,” commented Sydney "I hope his sister has a successful recovery." I was doubting that he had either a sister, or a mother. By this time, Sam had turned away, pulling his cart behind him. It had been a good day for him.

...

Today was muggy, overcast and warm. The fog of earlier had lifted, but the humidity remained. Sitting on 'the bench' were Sparky, Andrew and Mo. On the curb were Little Frank, Marilyn, Sparky's daughter Pam, Ruth, her son Harry and daughter Nancy.

I approached the bench, "Hi Mo, did Sparky tell you that he and I were panhandling together yesterday?

Sparky turned to Mo and said, "Yes, we went to 'my office'.

"Sparkles, said Mo, "do you mind turning your head in the other direction, Your breath is foul. It smells like you've been chewing on a dirty sock all night. You really should consider brushing your teeth once in a while."

"Okay, If you say so, Mo, I'll turn my head." He laughed.

"It's not funny, Sparky, you should start taking care of yourself, and change your clothes." Sparky got up and sat next to his daughter Pam. Before long he was laying back on the grass.

"Dad!" said Pam, "don't go to sleep here!"

"How's everything, Mo? Are there still a lot of people staying at Carl's?"

"Jeff is moving out today. Scottish Dave signed himself into prison Wednesday morning. He and Sila have been together three years and she didn't even come home to spend their last night together. She owes Carl money. She saw him Wednesday and didn't mention anything about paying him back. She said she's coming over tonight, but Carl may have something to say about that.

"Z is going as well. Carl is trying to sell him. He's a biter. I reached under the bed to get my bottle of water and he chomped on my hand. I didn't even know that he was under there. With my free hand I punched him right between the eyes.

"Harry, what was Z's name before Toothless got him?"

"Star," said Harry.

"When I get home I'll see if he responds to that. He doesn't pay attention to anything else, especially Z. I think that dog has been abused. He's only six months old. He shouldn't be vicious like that if he had been well treated. Carl doesn't have the patience for him anyway.

"He was talking to some guy yesterday from Kanata. Carl is asking $100. If the guy is at all interested, but can't afford the price, I think he should drop it to $50. It would be nice if the dog could go there. He needs fields and a place to run.

"You'd better be careful spending time with Emile and Sparky. That's a sure way to get into trouble."

"I'll be careful. Mo."

"So, this weekend Carl and I may have the place all to ourselves.

"I have to go to court next week about my breach, but my lawyer says it will be thrown out. I have all the medical records showing that I was in hospital.

"I saw my probie this morning. She arranged for me to take the anger management course with a counselor one on one. That's the only way I'd be able to take it. Audrey knows I can't do another prison term. The last time, they had me in the psych ward, in solitary under suicide watch.

"You may have noticed that I can be a bit mouthy sometimes. When I go through alcohol withdrawl, it's worse. You don't want to be around me then; I'm not a pleasant person. That would also cause me problems in prison.

"How is your pneumonia?" I asked.

"It's still there. I've been procrastinating about going to Oasis, but I need to go there to get my medical card. I could go to my old doctor. He'd give me a prescription for antibiotics, but I have a hard time dealing with him. He's one of those guys under a turban. Half the time I don't know what he's saying.

"He also checks my blood. If I go there after I've been drinking my levels are normal. If I go there when I haven't been drinking my levels are high. Go figure?

"My kidneys have been kicking me, so after I finish this bottle it will be a dry weekend. Either that or I go back to hospital for dialysis. I don't want that. As it is my sherry is so watered down, nobody else will drink it. Carl calls it "goof". He and Sparky drink it straight. I couldn't do that now.

"When Big Frank and I were drinking beer we got along fine. We used to drink Labatt Blue, which is 5% alcohol. Then we switched to Labatt Maximum Ice at 7.1%. That's when our problems began. It was even worse when we switched to Imperial sherry at 20%. I could drink any of these guys under the table, but Frank just got mean and nasty. That's when he started beating me.

"We'll probably get together again. Audrey said, 'He's not allowed within 1600 yards of you, or he'll go right back to jail.' I said, 'When has a restraining order ever stopped him before?

"I don't want to be in a relationship with anybody. To have Frank as a sex buddy would be okay, but I don't want to live with him again."

...

At 6:00 pm I left work and caught my usual number 14 bus. I was surprised to see Hoover and Elaine. They were going to Elaine's place, about four blocks from where I live. "I guess you missed all the excitement this afternoon. Sparky and Shawn were passed out on the lawn and somebody phoned the police. They sent three squad cars and the paramedics. They let Sparky go, but they took Shawn away. He couldn't even walk. They'll probably take him to the Shepherd's to let him sleep it off."

I said, "Mo had been after Sparky not to pan handle at 'the bench', since it attracts attention, and when he lay down, she kept telling him to sit up. His daughter, Pam, was sitting beside him. I thought she would take care of him."

"I guess Pam went shopping. Everyone else just stood around, pretending like they didn't know what was going on. I've known Sparky from about fifteen years ago when we both lived in Toronto, near Allan Gardens."

"Cabbagetown, That's my old neighborhood too. I lived on Spruce Street near Parliament and Carleton. We used to be neighbors and didn't know it."

"Sparky's slowly killing himself, but he doesn't care. It's his choice."

"I spent my noon hour yesterday with Emile and Sparky. They were both staggering in different directions. Emile was saying things like, 'Drunk man walking,' and 'White man on a program' and 'Don't get in the way of my staggering.' We went to Sparky's 'office'. I sat with Sparky for a while, then went across the street and sat with Emile. He sure is a character. I don't think he repeated himself once."

"He must have had his rubber legs on. He's been staying up in Vanier lately. Probably into that Chinese cooking wine. It's 37% alcohol. It's great for stir frying, but it's powerful stuff to drink."

"Do you miss living in Toronto.?" I asked.

"Toronto has changed so much I wouldn't even recognize it. I'd prefer to live in the country. I studied horticulture for four years. I didn't do well with the chemistry, all those symbols. I like to grow things. Mike, a friend of ours has a place in Quebec on a lake. You met Mike the other day. His double pneumonia has cleared up, but he's still feeling very weak. He was looking white as a ghost. His mom is keeping a close eye on him. Anyway, he's invited us to stay for the summer. It has a row boat, a boat with a small motor for trolling. The only problem is we couldn't get any liquor up there. Maybe it would be good to dry out for a while. We'd still have our pot. We haven't decided.

"When I grew up in Toronto, my grandmother had a farm a few miles out of town. If any of us kids misbehaved, my mom would threaten to send us to the farm. We preferred to stay in Toronto."

By this time we had reached Elaine's stop. It turns out that we're neighbors, living just five blocks apart. It's a small world. We said good bye and agreed to see each other at 'the bench' on Monday.

3 May 2012

The weather today was overcast and muggy. I talked to Jimmy from Iqualuit. "Could you help me out a bit?" he asked.

"Sure I could, Jimmy," I replied and handed him a gift card for a restaurant near by.

"Actually, I was hoping for some change towards buying a bottle."

"Sorry, Jimmy, I don't carry cash or credit cards."

The area of 'the bench' was deserted. Emile and Sparky approached me on the sidewalk. Emile said, "Sparky's going to work. I'm going to keep an eye on him."

"Do you mind if I tag along?" I asked.

"Sure, come on along. We'll show you how it's done," said Emile.

Manoeuvering the sidewalk with Sparky and Emile was an adventure. They were both staggering in different directions. "Drunk man walking!" shouted Emile in his gravelly, carny voice. "Don't get in the way of my staggering!" followed by "White man on a program!" He spun around a sign post and did a pirouette. "You know you want to give some change to me." he said, with his cap out and a sad, puppy dog expression on his face. "Could I have a bite of your sandwich?" Someone made a desparaging remark and Emile replied, "If you think you're life is so good, why is it that I'm so happy?"

He walked between the cars with his cap out asking for change. He came to an empty car at the curb and said, "Hey, a free car! I wonder if they'll want it back?" At an office building with an outdoor sand ashtray he picked out the longest butts and put them in a plastic 'baggie' that he kept especially for that purpose. He was wearing a metal necklace with ball bearing like beads. He pulled the necklace up tight under his chin and said, "Look, I'm a drain plug."

Sam ‘Savage’ had his art display on the sidewalk which included images of deer burned into wood and skateboarders burned into wood then painted. He also had some heart felt poems describing his lost childhood and abuse at the hands of a priest.

Sparky took me to ‘his office’, a doorstep near the corner of Bank Street and Laurier. “I’ve been here since 1995. There used to be a tree there." He pointed to a spot where now stands a ticket dispenser for an underground parking garage."They had a parking lot, but it was in the open air. I used to clean up the paper and trash. They’d give me five or ten bucks every day. Then they put up this condo.

We sat, Sparky’s hat was upturned on the sidewalk.

“Good afternoon, ma’am.

”Good afternoon, sir, have a nice day.

A man stopped and put some change in Sparky’s cap. “It is a nice day isn’t it,” said the man.

“It’s a bit humid, but it’s nice. God bless you sir.”

"And you too," said the man.

Emile was panning on the other side of the street, so I joined him for a while. "Hi, Emile, I haven't seen you for a long time. Where have you been?" I noticed that he had a black eye.

"I was in hospital for a while. Also, I'm going out with seven women. They all know about each other."

I said, "That's good, to keep it honest."

"Yeah, I sleep someplace different every night.

“Hi beautiful, I’d settle for just a smile." he said to a woman walking by. She turned and smiled.

"Thanks, sweetheart!

“Thank you, gentlemen, for defending our country," he said to two soldiers.

“You’re not ready to throw that cigarette away are you?

"Hey, I didn't always look like this. I didn't get to be a bum overnight." To me he said, "That guy gave me a dirty look.

“Ma’am, that purse is so shiny, I can see my face in it."

"Yes, it is shiny, isn't it? You have a nice day," said the woman, with a pleasant smile.

“Good evening ma’am. You’d look so much more beautiful if you smiled.

“Ma’am you’re just too beautiful. You make me look ugly.

To me he said, “I just love this, watching people. Every face has a different expression. This is like reality TV.”

I said, "A lot of them seem to be hard of hearing."

"Yeah, it's like we're invisible. I'll put my cap out a little farther.

Someone threw a cigarette butt on the street. Emile jumped up and grabbed the still smoking stub. “It’s about time! Will you look at that woman. Looking that good should be illegal”

"You're so beautiful, ma'am, you made me look at you.

“Can you spare some change, sir.

“Ma’am that orange bag looks like a pylon. Can I borrow it so nobody steps on me?

“I’m a lawyer, ma’am. I’d be glad to take your case for you.

“I know you’d like to talk to me, but you have your mouth full.

“Sir, it takes a real man to wear pink. Gimme five!" The man slapped Emile's hand in passing.

“Those are beautiful boots, ma’am."

So passes the time of a pan handler. It was an educational experience.

2 May 2012

Noon was damp and overcast. It had rained earlier. At ‘the bench' were Nancy, Sparky, Harry, Gideon, Mimi, Glen and his dog Capone, Susan 'Suzie-Q', Bert, Claude and Sila.

I was sitting on the curb beside Sparky. “How are you doing Sparky? Are you getting there?”

“When I woke up this morning I had three bottles of wine, some J.D., some Mary Jane and some food. Then I went for a walk. I’m doing all right.”

Sila was standing in front of me. She bent over, and an open beer, that she had in a pocket inside her coat, started spilling out on the sidewalk. "I'm sorry about that," she said.

She had been feeling down because Scottish Dave had started his prison sentence today. When will Dave be getting out?” I asked her.

“He got four months.”

“Have you lived in Ottawa long?” I asked.

“I’ve been here about six years. I’m from Iqualuit, capital of Nunavut. It’s on the south coast of Baffin Island at the head of Frobisher Bay. It took three hours to fly here. I miss my family.”

Nancy had a new video game app on her cell phone. “I’m really addicted to this game. I played it all yesterday and started again first thing, when I got up, this morning. Sometimes when I look up, all I see is colored squares.

“I nearly got evicted last night. I came this close.” She pinched her thumb and index finger together to indicate about a half inch. “I was drunk, and broke two doors down."

“Remind me not to be near you when you’re drunk,” I said. I'd be afraid of what you’d do to me.”

"Don’t worry, when I get drunk I don’t fight people, only doors.”

“Hi Gideon,” I said. “How have you been?

“Not so good. I have a hangover. I slept in Tom’s Bar last night. The bar closed at one. I fell asleep at eleven. Tom said, “You can have some wine, but don’t touch the beer.”

“Gideon,” said Sparky, “Do you have a cigarette, or some wine?”

“No, all I have is this bag of chips from the Shepherd’s. They were giving them out to everybody.”

“Why is it that, whenever I see you, you never have any money, wine or cigarettes?

“Do you ever see me without money, wine or cigarettes?”

“No.”

“It’s because I’m independent. I take care of myself first. It’s not that I’m mean. I’ll share what ever I have, with whoever is here, but I take care of myself.”

I said to Nancy, “I saw you last Wednesday, on Elgin Street near Gladstone. I was on the bus. I waved, but you didn’t see me.”

“Was it near the Dollarama? Was I standing, or sitting down?”

“Yes, and you were standing.”

“I was panning then. It was after hours. Harry (her brother) was on the other side of the street. We did pretty good that day. We made the price of two bottles of wine, a pack of smokes and supper."

Harry was feeding chips to Capone. "Don’t give him too many,“ said Glen, “they’ll go right through him. Yesterday, right in the middle of an intersection, he stopped to take a shit. Cars were honking, people were cursing. I was pulling on his leash, but he just kept shitting."

1 May 2012

Today at noon it was overcast, damp, but mild. At 'the bench' were Susan, Marilyn, Elaine and Hoover, Toothless Carl with his dog Z, Little Frank, Scott 'Animal', Martin 'Savage', Claude, Rhino and Bert.

Scott went on a beer run, but returned with a dejected face. "They would't serve me," he said. "The Chinese lady said, 'I think you've had enough to drink.' I said, "I haven't even started yet. I didn't get out of bed untill 11:00 am. How can I have had enough to drink?"

In his place, Marilyn went. "Do you want anything, Elaine?" she asked.

"Not unless you're paying. I gave my last twenty to Hoover."

Z jumped up and put his paws on the back of the bench where I was sitting. Then he licked my face. Later he snuggled his head into my lap as I rubbed his ears. Carl was trying, without success, to get Z to obey commands like, 'Sit!' and 'Stay!' Finally, he gave up.

I said to Elaine, "I think I rode in your cab, some time ago. When I started thinking about the things you told me yesterday, it reminded me of a conversation I had with a female cab driver in the past. I asked if she was ever worried about being attacked. I'm sure it was you."

"Do you remember a short little girl with glasses, who could barely see over the steering wheel? People use to ask me if I was old enough to drive. It could have been me that you remember. I drove cab for thirteen years. I told you about the scanner that my dad set up, and the 88 signal that I could use. I also had a high pitched alarm that I could sound. It would nearly deafen anyone in the cab. I never had to use it though. I sold out in 2000 when they changed the taxi regulations and eliminated the zone system. They also changed the meters to include automatic receipt print-outs, and to alow credit cards. I just wasn't making any money on the new system. I couldn't destroy receipts like I used to, so I went back to college to study accounting.

"Before that I could use a nine passenger van to drive a bunch of students, with their luggage, to the airport and make a fortune. I also had a contract with the prisons. That would mean driving to Kingston, Joyceville, Bath; all over the province. That paid really well.

"One time I was driving a released prisoner from Kingston. The city didn't like released prisoners hanging around their neighborhood. As a tip he gave me a circular cribbage board that he made from a slab of tree trunk. He'd hand carved it in jail. It's unique. I really love it.

"I'd never allow passengers to smoke pot in my cab, but I didn't mind stopping so they could smoke a joint outside. Everything you can possibly imagine happens in the back of a cab. A lot of drug deals go down there. I worked with another woman. She'd set up the deals. I'd deliver the product.

"When I was little, we always lived by the water. I'm from Wellington, on Lake Ontario near Picton, about half way to Toronto. When I came here I asked, 'Where's the water?' and people would point to the canal. I'd say, 'That's not water.'

"I was always reading when I was young. When I'd come across a word I didn't know I'd ask my mom. She'd say, 'Look it up in the dictionary.' When I got older and would ask her about something, she'd say, 'Look it up in the encyclopedia.' I was always sort of a bookworm.

"The place I live is so noisy. The building has long hallways that echo. One time, I was awakened at three in the morning. There was a loud knocking at my door. I heard, 'Ottawa Police, open up!' I had all Hoover's drugs that I had to hide. He has a licence for them, because of his HIV, but I didn't. There were roaches in the ashtrays, but I just left them.

"It turned out that someone, down the hall, was stabbed. When I went out the next morning I could see a trail of blood leading from my building and around the corner. I read about the murder, in the newspaper, later on that day.

Hoover said, "My place is noisy too. It begins at 5:00 am when the busses start. It always wakes me up and I can't get a decent sleep after that."

"Hoover," I asked, "Did you get the prescription for your meds sorted out?"

"Yeah, I phoned my doctor's office. He is away, but there is another doctor covering his patients. He phoned the pharmacy and I should be able to get my meds at 1:00 o'clock."

Elaine continued, "I don't gamble very much, but one night Hoover asked me if I wanted to go to the casino. I asked him when he wanted to go. He said, 'In about an hour.' I phoned John to come over to look after our cat.

"Hoover, I'm telling Dennis about the time John looked after our cat.

"We were in one of those executive suites where they bring you drinks and food. I spent about $200.00, mostly on the slot machines. Hoover was playing Keno. At one time I was up about $700.00, but I lost it.

"Half way through the night we phoned John to see how he was managing with the cat. He said, 'I drank the beer in the fridge, now I've run out.' I said to him, 'John, did you check at your feet? We bought a whole bag of beer for you. You won't run out.' He hadn't even checked the bag.

30 April 2012

Today at noon the weather was warm and sunny. It was check day so everyone at 'the bench' had money and had been drinking heavily. In attendance were Peter "Lonely Heart,' sitting alone. He was ostracized for ripping off Bert. Next were Elaine and Hoover, Sparky, Scottish Dave and Sila, Blair, Claude, Jillian, Jimmy, Derek, Tommy and Marilyn.

I sat next to Elaine. "Have you seen Miss Vickie lately? She sounds interesting; pretty, bubbling personality. Scott seemed to have been really taken with her."

"Miss Vickie?" questioned Elaine. "I haven't seen her since she moved to the townhouse.

"She used to phone me and say, 'Elaine, do you want to come out and play? She had no interest in Hoover, just me. Sometimes he would get upset if I stayed away too long, but he gets upset anyway. This morning he was upset about something. I asked him, "Is it because I took a beer out of the fridge? Is it because I took one of your packs of smokes? Is it because I took some weed out of the freezer?' I'm still not sure what he was upset about.

"Vickie and I used to do some drug deals together. The whole idea behind dealing drugs is to make money, not to become a user. She became a user. One thing led to another and she spent two years in jail. I switched to alcohol. It's a lot safer.

"When I got out of high school I went to college. I took my first year and was either going to go into legal or medical. It seems funny now, thinking that I would have gone into law, since nearly everything I do is illegal.

"I drove cab for quite a while. I know the city really well. I also got to know people. A lot goes on in the back seat of a cab. I learned not to judge and to mind my own business.

"My dad had my car fixed with GPS tracking, so they always knew where I was. If I detoured off my expected route they knew about it. If I ever had a problem, all I had to do was signal 88 and cab drivers, from all over, would come to where I was. I also carried pepper spray and weapons, but I never had to use them.

"The money I made was really large. At income tax time I'd sit down with my accountant and we'd go through my receipts. We'd burn most of them, and we'd pretend some days didn't exist. When I went back to college I studied accounting so I could do my own income tax."

Sparky and Blair were upset with each other because of a debt of $50.00, about which they disagreed. Blair had been drinking a lot of vodka and wasn't very coherent, but he was LOUD.

"Okay guys," said Scottish Dave, "let's keep the volume down. If you've got a problem, deal with it tomorrow. Today, is my last day before going back to prison, so I want it quiet and peaceful. Understood!"

Hoover said, "That's what happens when you get natives drunk, you get a lot of noise.

"I used to go out with Blair's aunt. Everytime he's see me he'd say, 'Where's my aunty? Where's my aunty? He was an annoying little brat. He always wanted to hang out with us. His mother would come looking for him and we'd hide him under a pile of dirty laundry. We must have done that three or four times. His mother would say, 'I saw him come down here.' We'd say, 'He was here, but he left a while ago.'

"Tomorrow, I run out of my HIV meds. They'll cover me for a week, but I haven't been able to contact my doctor to have my prescription renewed. The prescription is good for a year. It'll work out.

Hoover was eating pistachio nuts and throwing the shells on the sidewalk. People walking by would be startled hearing the shells crack underfoot, or they'd think they'd stepped on a pebble.

Under two jackets Blair was wearing a Corona tee shirt. "I'm going to get that shirt from you," said Dave.

"How are you going to do that?" asked Blair.

"I'm going to wait until you finish that bottle of vodka, then I'll sit on you and peel that shirt off. You're going to end up in the emergency ward half naked."

Blair pondered that.

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7. 18 April - April 30, 2012 : Conversations With Friends	ID #751228
Posted: 4-18-2012 @ 5:36 pm EDT Edited: 4-30-2012 @ 3:27 pm EDT

27 April 2012

This morning was bitterly cold and windy. I wasn't expecting to see Mo, but there she was in her usual spot, sitting next to Scott.

"So, are you wearing your pink panties today?" I asked Mo.

"I had forgotten all about them. I was down here setting up, rummaging through my pockets, when they fell out on the sidewalk. The wind took them and I went chasing after them. The cab driver across the street was watching me. When I caught up with them I held them up and said, 'See, underwear!' He laughed."

Scott was asking Mo, "So when did you last talk to Frank?"

"November. Earl has been sending him money and been getting letters from him. I don't even know where he is. Last I heard he was in Milhaven, but he may have been transferred by now. The last thing he said to me was, 'You're the reason I'm in here!' I said 'No dude, you're the reason you're in there.'

"So is it over between you and Frank?"

"No, that story's not over yet, but we'll just have to wait and see what happens. He'll come looking for me.

"This weather reminds me of Winnipeg. Like that Randy Bachman, Neil Young song, Prairie Town, with the line 'Portage and Main, 50 below.' http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V7ewuZS49aE"

"I remember how I met you," said Scott. "I was panning on Portage Avenue and I asked someone where I could get some weed. They said, 'Go to Central Park and see the woman with the pink bandana. She'll fix you up.'"

"Yeah, that pink bandana was my signature. I used to buy ten grams of pot and split it into three bags. I'd sell each bag as five grams. That worked pretty well for me."

Rachel stopped to talk for a few minutes. She asked how Mo had been feeling. Shook her hand. Put some change in her cap.

"I haven't seen Peter, 'Lonely Heart' lately."

"You're not likely to, either. He's either hiding out or he's left town. When you rip off a friend like Bert, who's giving you a place to stay, and feeding you, that's pretty low. I remember being at Bert's place when he was there. He was drunk and said some things I didn't like. I chased him down the stairs, across the park, then 'clotheslined him' -- straight arm across the throat. He fell back into the mud of the canal. If I knew then, what I know now, I would have jumped on his head and drowned him in that muck.

"He was only at my place once, before I knew what he was like. Carl had his drugs and money there. I’d been responsible for bringing Peter over, so if he'd taken Carl’s stuff, I would have been in big trouble. I would have had to kill him. That would have been unfortunate."

…

At noon it was still bitterly cold and windy. ‘The bench’ was deserted, but across the street I saw people at ‘the heater’: Bert, Claude, Frank Hoover and Elaine, Sparky, Albert, Ruth and Scott.

I greeted everyone and Hoover said to me, “We were here earlier when the security guard chased us away. We stood on the island in the middle of the street until he left, then we came back. We haven’t seen him since. He’s probably on his lunch break. We're on Candid Camera now.”

"He chased Irwin and I away." I said, "He allowed Irwin to finish his smoke, then he kept checking back every ten minutes."

“I was talking to Mo on the phone,” said Bert. “She won’t be coming here. She says she’s not feeling well. She got her check today and she was supposed to pay me the money she owes me. If she wants something she wants it 'right away, now.' If somebody wants something from her it’s 'maybe later, maybe tomorrow.'”

Hoover said, “That’s why I don’t give her credit, but I have a lot of respect for her. I knew her back in Toronto. She’s the one who told me about my first wife. She had thrown herself in front of a train. Our fifteen-year-old son is living with my parents in Brantford, just one stop from Toronto.

“I don’t see him very often because I still know too many people in Toronto, around Nathan Phillips Square, Allen Gardens. I’d be back on the freight train, as I call it. I’d be back in ‘the life’ again.”

Frank asked, “What day was it yesterday?”

Scott answered, “What do you mean? It was yesterday. What do I look like, a calendar?”

“The only date I remember,” said Frank, “is Mother’s Day. That’s the 13th day of May. Am I right? I also remember my brother’s birthday and my parent’s anniversary, because I was just up there.

“Us kids had a really good time at the anniversary party. It was held in the barn. I say us kids, but I’m 41. My brother has three kids of his own. He did a lot of drinking at that party.

”When we were kids, I remember my brother and I going down to the creek and catching tadpoles. We'd use them for fishing."

“That’s in North Bay, isn’t it?” I asked. “No, Deep River, I remember.”

"When I was kid," I said, "at Lake Superior, I used to catch sea lampreys. They'd be a foot or more in length. I had a long stick and would flip them out of the water onto the beach. Sometimes, I'd have half a dozen of them coming towards me at the same time. If they attach themselves to you, the only way to get them off is to burn them with a cigarette, or a lighter." http://www.invadingspecies.com/Video.cfm?A=GetVid&VidID=2

“Those are really good to use as bait,” said Scott, "especially for pike. You cut them up, put them on a three pronged hook, throw them out in the water and jig with them. Now, I want to go fishing.

“The last time I was in Deep River I wanted to get some beer. The beer store is right beside Tim Horton’s. It was still open, but I decided to go to the liquor store to get some single ‘king size’ cans. I arrived six minutes after they closed. It wasn’t far away and I had directions, but I still missed it. I went back to the beer store. I thought it was open for another hour, but it was closed. I was so angry. Where was I going to get a beer?

"I asked a cop if it would be okay for me to set up my tent behind the beer store. They had some school busses parked back there. This was summer so they weren’t being used. The cop said, ‘It’s fine with me. You should be okay there.’

“I was at the beer store as soon as it opened and I was the first person at the cash. There was an old guy who is usually the first customer. He was really pissed off that I beat him.

“Frank, do you remember that old guy who was always the first one at the beer store? I can’t remember his name.

“Elaine, have you seen Miss Vickie lately? I haven’t seen her for about two years. She had a bubbly personality, really fun to hang out with. She was pretty and had store bought tits. I remember how nice they looked in a sweater.”

“We paid for those tits," said Elaine. "She was working for me, so I got a percentage of everything she brought in. Scott you wouldn’t have been able to afford her. You would have had to pay for a hotel room. It would have cost you your entire monthly check.

"Well, we paid for the implants," said Hoover, "the nipples she had already."

"Hoover," asked Scott, "did you ever get a look at them, since you paid for them and all."

"No, Elaine wouldn't let me."

“Remember when Darrell tried to carry her up to his bedroom?" asked Elaine. "He was so drunk that he dropped her. That was as far as he got.”

Elaine was pestering Hoover, trying go get him to leave. She was pulling the strings on his woolen helmet hat (beneath which he wore a leather Maple Leafs cap). She moved his backpack, so he couldn't reach his beer. "I'm waiting for Glen," said Hoover. "I have some business with him. You go! Leave me alone! I'll catch up with you later! What is it about women? They're so like... women."

26 April 2012

As I approached Mo this morning she was sitting on her plastic storage box, legs wrapped in towels, hood pulled up, hands in her pockets. She was looking at the ground, rocking back and forth.

"How's it going, Mo?"

"Everything's all mixed up. It's doing my head in. When I got the mail yesterday there was a letter -- here I'll show it to you. It says I was assaulted by Eduardo Guzman. I don't know any Eduardo Guzman! Look at the date, it says April 12. That was just a couple of weeks ago. Maybe, it's about that crazy guy that kicked me, but I didn't report anything. It could be that John, across the street, saw what happened and phoned the police.

"If I do a victim impact statement, that will keep him off the streets for a while longer. He hasn't been around lately. I guess that's the reason. I'm going to take all these papers, drop them on my probies desk, and let her sort them out. Audrey has filled out the housing application for me, she said I would be an ideal candidate for the program.

"I really flipped at our last meeting. She wants me to take this anger management program. I told her, 'I can't be in a classroom with a lot of people. I'm agoraphobic.' She said, 'Can you explain that to me again?' I said, 'Look it up on your computer! Being in this office with you is okay; if the door is closed I may have a panic attack!"

"Do you have an appointment with her?" I asked.

"My appointment isn't until May 2nd, but I have to arrange to see her before then. I need my picture i.d. and a temporary medical card. This pneumonia is really making me feel weak, and I'm coughing up some nasty stuff. It feels like my lungs are half full of fluid.

"I had seizures last night. I was shaking in bed, I got up, and was wandering around like a 'spaz'. Carl didn't know what was going on. He thought I was just drunk and told me to lie down. I really need my meds.

"I have to get out of Carl's apartment. I went to look at a place in the market for $650. I could handle that. I told the guy I was on O.D.S.P and that I would turn my cheque over to him. He wanted first and last months rent. I don't have that. I told him I'd pay him an extra $150 a month. That would really leave me strapped for cash.

"I'm not good at dealing with things like finding a new place. Frank used to do that. I'd be the one they'd see. It would be my name on the lease. I'd be the one to go out pan handling or whatever, but there'd always be someone else around to sort things out.

"Bert helped me to get this telephone. I wanted one that played music, but that one was $200. Then you have to download music from a computer, upload it to the telephone, all that is too complicated for me. I decided to take the cheaper one for $147. I've spent the last two hours trying to figure this thing out. The only thing I have been able to do is to change the picture on the front. See, now I have a kitty cat!"

A woman stopped to talk. Mo introduced her to me as Rachel. She was very attractive with short blonde hair, blue eyes and a beautiful smile.

"I still have that poem you gave me. The one about how to survive, living on the streets. It's here in my pocket... No, maybe in my backpack... Here it is!"

"This is beautiful," said Rachel, "but, I didn't give this to you. This is from my friend, Sylvie. I know this poem. We share things like this. We're both in the same kind of work.

"Take care. Here's some money for you to have a coffee or anything you like."

We both said good bye to Rachel. "I'm so bad with names," said Mo, "they go in and I don't know what happens to them. They get lost, then every once in a while they'll pop out. It reminds me of something funny. It was while I was prostituting in Toronto. I was standing on my corner, a police car pulled up and the cop said, 'Tamara, come over here!' I said, 'Oh, you've mistaken me for my twin sister. My name's Maureen. I just came here to tell Tamara that our mom is sick. We have to go visit her.' They'd believe it every time. There were lots of names I used, one was my sister-in-law's, and she's black. My sister got mad at me for using her name, but if anyone ever checked our picture id. they'd see the difference in our sizes. I was really heavy then -- three hundred and change.

"You see that woman in jeans that just walked by. When I was fat like that, they didn't have jeans that would fit me. I was the polyester kid. It was horrible the things I had to wear. Now, I weigh 110. I buy the skinny jeans and they still don't fit. I don't have enough to hold them up.

...

Sitting cross legged, in front of Tim Horton’s, holding an empty paper cup was Ambrose.

“Ambrose, it’s so good to see you. How have you been? Are you and Maryam back together?”

“She’s just down the block. We’re back together, but it’s not the same. She’s still drinking. I told her, ‘You can’t drink while you’re carrying a baby,' but she doesn’t listen. I can’t control what she does. No person can control what another person does.”

At the bench was a big crowd: Harry, Nancy, Ruth, Mina, Cathy, Claude, Albert, Susan, Bert, Glen with his dog Capone, Peter with his dog Scruffy, Toothless Carl with his new dog Z (a black Labrador mix), Darrell with his dog (it looked to be part Husky), Elaine and Hoover, Frank, Mo, Mike and Sparky.

I overheard Toothless Carl talking to his dog, "It's okay, boy. I'll take good care of you. No, no, no, Daddy's not going back to jail. No, he isn't."

“I may have a place soon,” said Frank. Those people who were by the other day were from the Salvation Army. They have three places for me to look at, but I was drunk. I don't know when they're coming back. That’s the way it goes!

"Apart from that, things are going well. I didn't have to pan yesterday. I had enough money to have meals at Wendy's, McDonald's then McDonalds again."

Sparky pulled a woolen, peaked cap and a lumberjack shirt out of his backpack.

“Those are nice, Sparky,” I commented. “Where did you get them?”

“I don’t know where I got them. When I woke up this morning they were in my backpack. I don’t know how they got there."

Mo came up the sidewalk with Bert. She had tears in her eyes.

“How are you feeling, Mo?” I asked.

“My check wasn’t in the mailbox. I phoned, they said that everything had been mailed. Yesterday when I took my mail, I left Carl’s in the box. Today everything was gone.”

“Have other people received their checks?”

“Almost everyone else gets theirs by direct deposit. I’ll check again tomorrow, but if it isn’t there I don’t know what I’ll do. Today, I made $7.00 panning. I know that Carl won’t throw me out, but he’s been talking with Scottish Dave who might come back.

“Now Carl has a dog. I know exactly where that dog is going to be sleeping – right beside me. There’s a space between the end of Carl’s bed and the closet. That’s Mo’s territory. If anybody tries to take that, they’ll have to fight me for it.

“I had it all planned what I was going to do with my check. I was going to rent a motel room, have a nice hot bath, spread myself buck-ass-naked on the bed, flip through the channels on the TV, then hop back into the bath.”

Two ladies pulling carts stopped by -- Lorris and Trudy, “the sandwich ladies” from the Inner City Ministry.

“Would anybody like a sandwich? We don’t have enough for everyone, so if you don’t absolutely need one, please leave them for those who do. We weren’t expecting so many people.

"Frank, would you like a tuna sandwich?"

"No, I'd probably just sit on it and squish it. Then I'd have to throw it out."

To me he said, "I have to get my first bottle down before I can even think of food."

The “sandwich ladies” also had socks and underwear. Mo got a pair of pink, bikini style panties and a pair of grey socks.

Mo said, “She first brought out this green pair with purple flowers. She said, ‘These will look nice on you.’ I said, ’I don’t think so.’ The only time I’d wear something like that would be during my period. If they got really messed up I could just throw them away. Usually I wear either boxers or commandos." She held the panties above her head and said, ”Okay guys, have a good look. This is the last time any of you are going to have a chance to see these."

Hoover introduced me to Mike who had just been released from hospital.

“I was in there for two months with double pneumonia. It started with a blood infection. It took four days for the doctors to figure out what antibiotic would stop the infection. By that time, it had affected my heart valves and caused growths in my lungs. They said that I nearly died.”

25 April 2012

Mo was in her usual spot this morning, sitting on her plastic storage box, her legs wrapped with towels.

"How is your pneumonia, Mo?"

"It's getting better. I'm still coughing up stuff, my chest is tight and I sleep with my head elevated.

"Toothless Carl cooked breakfast for us this morning. Peru was too drunk to go to the Shepherd's, so she stayed at our place. Carl took her to the airport for her flight to Prince Edward Island. She said, 'I'll be back soon.' I said, 'You'd be better off staying there and entering a detox program.' Her arms are covered with track marks and scars.

A woman stopped to give Mo an orange, later a man stopped to give her an apple. "I'll save the orange for Bert. I can't eat them because I have a cage in my chest. The best I can do is suck the juice out and throw away the rest. Do you want the apple? In order to eat it I have to peel it, then it gets brown and yucky. I'm picky arn't I?"

"Mo, you should be a rich person, then you could have someone to peel your grapes for you."

"Scottish Dave got sick because of getting soaked in all the rain we had lately. Big Rick offered to take him in for free, until he gets well. He offered me the same deal when I lost my last place. The only problem is that where Rick lives it's infested with bed bugs. They're really hard to get rid of. I invited a couple of people to sleep over at my place. A few days later I woke up and felt something warm and sticky on my arms. I lifted the sheet and I was covered in blood. I was crawling with bed bugs. I had to throw out a mattress and rip out my carpeting before I could get rid of them. I'm really careful about who I hug now. They can lie dormant for up to five months.

"I'm going to visit the boys at the bench this morning, then I'm going to my old place to check for mail. The postman usually gets there around 10:30 am. I'm hoping to get some of my stuff. I've still got two keys. One key locks and unlocks the door, the other only locks it. I should be back downtown around noon.

"I've been trying to phone Carl on his cell phone, but I don't get an answer. Where he's staying, with his girlfriend, near the airport, he doesn't get good reception. I don't know what's happening with Harley or his three lizards. I don't care about the snake. Carl can give him back to Dion."

...

It was cool and overcast at the bench today. In attendance were Glen and his dog Capone, Claude, Mina, Ruth, Elaine and Hoover, Sparky, Little Frank, John, Dan, Bert and Mo.

John kept walking up and down the sidewalk. He had hidden his backpack in the bushes, because he had beer in it. After getting a liquor violation last week he didn’t want to chance the police showing up again. On the other hand, he didn't want anybody stealing his backpack.

I was sitting on the sidewalk near Dan. “I’m thinking of getting a part time job,” said Dan, "maybe as a dish washer or in maintenance. I’ve done that before. It won’t pay very much, not like I used to get. When I lived in Montreal I used to bring in about $50,000 a year. I knew the city really well and worked for most of the big courier companies, Purolator, D.H.L, U.P.S. The only company I didn’t work for was FedEx.

“When I started with U.P.S. they had just moved into Canada from the U.S. They weren’t very well organized – too few trucks and drivers for the number of shipments they had going out. Even when my manager came with me -- he’d drive, I’d deliver -- we still couldn’t make our quota.

“The run I had was in the industrial section. I had shipments of pipe and heavy machine parts to deliver. The truck was way overloaded. Soon, the clutch burnt out. I told them what the problem was, but they still kept overloading my truck. After I’d burnt out the third clutch they said, ‘Dan, we think you should move inside the warehouse.’

"I was feeling pretty burned out myself, so I took my severance pay and went on vacation for a while. Then I got into sales. I was really good at sales – everything from real estate and new cars to standing on a corner, with a table and speakers, selling all kinds of stuff. I was making about $1000. a day for a while. I had $40,000 in the bank, then my girlfriend left me. I started drinking, going to the casinos. I couldn’t believe how fast I went through that $40,000.

"This morning a guy saw me collecting bottles. He said, 'I got four cases of empties in the back, if you want them.' I said, 'Sure!' I traded in the bottles and got $10.00."

Mo arrived with Bert. “Hi Mo, how did things go at your old place?”

“It was fine. I didn’t know what to expect, so I brought Bert with me. I figured, if nothing else, Bert could talk French to Carl, but he wasn’t there. The locks had been changed, the whole place was cleaned out. It was a lot cleaner than when we first moved in. At that time we had a disgusting mess to deal with. It was a lot of work just to make the place livable.

“I checked the mail. It’s been piling up for a while. My check wasn’t there, but nobody else has received theirs yet either. Now, that I know Carl won’t be there, I can go back tomorrow or anytime."

24 April 2012

Mo was cheerful and sober this morning. "Only four people stayed at Toothless Carl's place last night, me, Carl, Tony and Peru.

"See this scrape I've got on my nose. We have this broom with a broken handle. I was sweeping under the sofa and I hit my nose on the coffee table. I thought I'd broken it again. Carl was ready to push it back in place. 'No!' I said, 'don't touch my nose.'

"Peru is really in bad shape. She's 'smashing' cocaine again and has sores and track marks all over her arms. She's on antidepressants and I think she's taking more than she should. After just just a few drinks she gets falling down drunk. She's all over the place. Last night she wet Carl's bed. He was really ticked off.

"Peru's adopted parents want her to come home to Prince Edward Island. I said, 'What are you going to do about your arms?' 'Wear long sleeves,' she said. Another time she told me, 'My mother used to slap me every time I swore.' I told her, 'You better get used to having a sore face, because every second word that comes out of your mouth is a swear word.'

"I didn't go to Oasis last week, I was too messed up. I'll go tomorrow. Audrey, my probie, gave me all the papers I need for housing, except for my picture i.d., the one from prison that says I'm on probation. Audrey says I'm a really good candidate for the housing program because of my mental condition. It's the first time in my life that being crazy has been a help to me.

"I have an appointment with her on May 2nd. I have a court appearance on the 29th, because of my breach when I was in hospital. I told her, 'I better not get any more time for that!' I'm supposed to be finished probation in November, all except for my anger management program.

"In the last year I've lost two houses and Frank. Frank, I'm still working on. The last house I had with Carl was really nice. I have to go to go back there to get my check. Some things I'd like to pick up as well. I'm hoping that Carl won't be there because there's sure to be a fight, but it's all his fault. He and his girlfriend were just snorting too much. He was working too. He may have lost his job. If he wants money from my check, he's not getting it.

"I saw Lee scooting around in his wheel chair. I was surprised to see that both of his legs have been amputated. When I first met him a few years ago, he'd only lost a foot. He may have diabetes, but he's awfully skinny. Usually people with diabetes are heavier. It probably has to do with all the drugs he's taking.

...

Betrayal

I look into your eyes,
grey with tears and sorrow
from the Arctic Ocean.

I feel your hurt deep inside
hear your thunder
see your rain.

With your fist on your chest
you open your heart,
tell me of hardship,
betrayal and pain.

I listen
with my heart
as one who has been there.

With my arm around your shoulder,
as a brother,
I ask you to act with patience
and with love --
be love.

At noon, at the bench, was Claude, Peter and his dog Scruffy, Albert, Mina, Hoover and Elaine. Sitting on the curb, by himself was Ambrose. “Hi, bro! Remember me?”

“Yes, of course, Ambrose! I met you and your girlfriend, a few months ago, at the heater. There was snow on the ground.”

I sat on the curb with Ambrose. It started raining, so I pulled up my hood.

“That’s right. Maryam was here just twenty minutes ago. ‘It’s cold out, Maryam!’ I said, ‘wear my jacket. It will keep you warm.’ Do you think she would wear it? No, she was worried about her image. Why are you concerned about your image, you have a man. I’m right here. She wants to look cool, like one of those ‘gangsta’ rappers she sees on television.

“She’s only twenty-two and I’m forty. She still wants to live the party life. It’s the alcohol that makes her that way. She drinks until she passes out. Just this morning I said to her, ‘Maryam, you’ve had enough to drink. Who are you dressing to impress?’ She stormed off!

“I know where she’s going and who she’s going to see. This has been going on for about a year now. I know exactly where she’s going. She’s going to sleep with him and he’s going to give her money. She’ll stay with him for three or four days until he’s run out of money. Then she’ll want to come back to me. This has happened about ten times in the past year. I’ll take her back, but it hurts deep inside.

“What hurts most is that she’s carrying my child. At least, I think it’s my child. I don’t even know if it’s my child. She doesn’t know -- she’s been with so many men. This morning she said that she was going to the nurse to see about an abortion. She was too drunk, anyway it’s too late -- she’s three months pregnant. She’s had abortions three times before, and has a four year old boy who was taken away by the Children’s Aid Society.

“I don’t want her to have an abortion. I would raise it as my own. I’d like us to be a family together. I would take care of her, but she wants to be in control.

“I never had a childhood. I had to raise my siblings. My mother was alcoholic. She was never around. When I was five years old I looked after a six-month-old baby and a toddler, one and a half years old. I failed kindergarten two times, because I was never there. I was looking after my siblings.

“Last night I told Maryam, ‘We have to get out of this city.’ I said, ‘If you want we could live near your family.' They live near Sept-Iles, Quebec, but she doesn’t want that because she wouldn’t have any control. She was raised by her grandparents, her parents were dead. They gave her everything. I suggested that we live where I come from, Nain in the province of Newfoundland and Labrador. She doesn't want that either.

“You’re the first person I’ve told this to – that it may not be my child she is carrying. I feel better having told someone. I want to see that child born and, if necessary, I’ll raise it myself. She has to stop drinking. One beer a night would be alright, it has nourishment; but she drinks Imperial sherry, and never just one drink.

20 April 2012

The weather today was overcast, with a cool breeze and a threat of rain. Near the bench today were Claude, Ruth, Nancy, Harry, Peter and his dog Scruffy, Glen and his dog Capone, Annie, Hoover and Frank. Scruffy barked nearly continuously. She wasn't used to another dog being around.

Hoover asked me, "Are you going to be on the hill at 4:20 pm? They're expecting about 2000 people to turn out to protest the prohibition of Marijuana. There'll be two demonstrations, one at Major's Hill Park and one on Parliament Hill."

"No," I said, "I don't think I can get leave from work for that, but best of luck. I think they should decriminalize all drugs like they've proposed in British Columbia. In Vancouver, at the Porter Hotel Society on Hastings Street, they have a safe injection site. Drugs are available by prescription from doctors. There is a guarantee of high quality. Another benefit is that there aren't as many hypodermic needles discarded in parks, where kids or other people can become accidentally injected, or infected."

"I get medicinal marijuana, but if I run out early, I have to pay $5.00 per gram. The street cost is $10.00.

"I'm on O.D.S.P. (Ontario Disability Support Program), it covers my basic expenses, food and rent. This month I bought a new television, so I'm going to be short until the 30th when my check comes in."

"How much does O.D.S.P. pay?" asked Annie.

"The basic is about $600.00 per month to cover food and rent. Then there are other perks you can apply for. A friend of mine gets $200.00 per month as a diaper allowance. He doesn't need diapers, but he went to his doctor, looked sheepish, said he kept having accidents about four or five times a day. The doctor wrote a note for him to get a diaper allowance."

"Frank, you're quiet today," I said.

"I'm still on my first bottle. I was sitting at the corner for the last hour trying to get $1.10 to make the price of a bottle."

"Hoover said, "It took Glen and I an hour, in front of the liquor store, to make 15 cents."

19 April 2012

This noon hour was warm and sunny. The people who were served liquor violations, yesterday, are banned from the area of the bench; so Bert, John, Rhino, Hoover and Elaine stood on the boulevard, separating the eastbound and westbound traffic, on the Alexender Mackenzie Bridge. Claude, Mina and Ruth sat on the bench.

As I approached Rhino and Nancy were talking. "I'll go for the beer run," said Rhino.

"Rhino, we gave you our money yesterday and you didn't come back. Do you understand how serious that is?"

"I know, I screwed up, but it won't happen again."

Albert came over. "I'll go for the beer run. I have to go to the pharmacy (a euphemism for going to see his dealer) and do some other errands."

"Hello Claude, " I said.

"Hello."

"It's a beautiful day."

"Yes, it is."

"Have you lived here long, Ruth," I asked.

"Nancy and I have lived here about ten years."

"Where were you born?"

"I was born in Churchill, Manitoba. I don't remember it very well, we only stayed there until I was four years old. My dad was a carpenter and a plumber. He got a job with the government doing maintenance on some of their buildings. For three or four months at a time he would be away working. My mother's health wasn't very good and she needed to be near a doctor. When my father would be away we would move in with relatives further north at Resolute Bay or Pond Inlet, Baffin Island.

"Pond Inlet was expecially beautiful. We saw lots of ice bergs and we'd fish for Arctic Char. Have you evert tasted Arctic Char? It's so good.

"My dad even worked on the Parliament buildings here in Ottawa. When I was in Girl Guides they brought us here on a trip and I got to see my father. He also did a carving that was presented to the Queen on one of her visits. The carving was of an igloo, with a dog team and sled outside. The igloo could be lifted and you'd see the people inside. It was very detailed."

Ruth started waving her arms and got up from the bench. "I have to be very careful about certain types of flies. I am allergic to them and have a strong reaction when I get bitten.

"Mina's coming over. I used to be friends with her, but she throws tantrums. She's always drawing attention to herself. I've got a beer under my jacket. The last thing I want is to draw the wrong kind of attention. She uses a lot of bad language and it upsets people who are just out for a walk after lunch."

"Hi Mina," I said. "Have you lived in Ottawa long?"

"About fifteen years."

"Do you like living in Ottawa?"

"I'm here, if I didn't like it I'd move, but I'm tired of moving. I have a lot of friends here. My sister also lives here. April is a bad month for us. Our mother' died last year. Her birthday was April 17, she died ten days later. Sometimes my sister has to go into the bathroom she cries so hard. I call her my little sister, but she's taller than me. I've taught her some things. Let's say, she's followed my example. I've got a husband but he's not getting out until 2026. I just hate my sister's so called boyfriend. I hate him so much." She pounded the palm of her hand with her fist.

"I like sex, a lot. I have a room. My neighbor is always knocking on my door wanting sex. I tell him, 'Go away, I just want to sleep.' Then he'll come back later."

"I've just been sitting here chatting with Claude," I said. "He's been talking my ear off."

"I bet Claude has lots of stories," said Mina, "if he ever chose to tell them."

18 April 2012

This morning Grant greeted me with, "Good morning Dennis, Dale, anything but late for supper. Have a good day!"

"Have a good day Grant, Steve!"

When arrived at Mo's spot I saw her plastic storage box (that she takes from behind the Lord Elgin Hotel), a Metro newspaper folded on top of that, her cap was in front of the box with a bit of change (jingle, as Irwin calls it), her jacket was lying on the sidewalk beside her box; but no Mo. A tall man wearing glasses, and a red short sleeved shirt, was standing there, holding a large Tim Horton's coffee.

"Is Mo coming back?" I asked.

"She's indisposed at the moment."

"You mean, she went into the restaurant to have a pee."

"Yes, that's what I mean. I'm just standing here watching her stuff, but if you're going to be here, I'll be on my way. I'm getting cold."

"I'll take good care of Mo's stuff. She knows me."

Before long I heard, "Hi, Sweetie!" I turned and saw Mo. She was walking stiffly toward me from the direction of the restaurant.

"How are you feeling?" I asked.

"I've had to go pee a lot of times and when I get there not much comes out. It's dark too, kind of an orangy color. I'm afraid it's my kidneys again. I may have to go back into hospital.''

"I just lost it with my probation officer the other day. Besides throwing up all over her desk, I told her, 'I don't care if you breach me! I don't care about anything!' She said, 'You told me that you couldn't do any more jail time.' I said, 'If it happens, it happens. I just don't care.'

"Today I go to Oasis from 3:00 to to 7;00 pm. I'm really not an afternoon sort of person, I'd rather go in the morning, but I wasn't the one making the appointment.

"I'm not getting enough sleep. Dave's brought his girlfriend, of three years, to stay with us. Silo is her name. She's a mean, nasty, Inuit woman who's been with every man in town. I don't know what Dave sees in her. She'd have to hang a pork chop around her neck for even a dog to want to play with her. If Dave wants to stick his stuff in there knowing where she's been, he'll have to deal with the consequences.

"Last night she even tried to sleep in my bed. "No, No,' I said, 'Dave sleeps on the floor, so you sleep on the floor.' I even had words with Dave about her, 'Dave, you made a mistake crossing me. You just lost a friend.' Tony is sleeping in the kitchen now, right in front of the refrigerator, so Dave isn't able to get up in the night for something to eat. Last night there were five people sleeping in Carl's bachelor apartment. Peru came over, but only long enough to get drunk, then she went to the Shepherd's.

"I paid Carl $300. to stay there and another $200. for groceries. With just me and Carl, that should last three weeks, but we went through them in two. I told him it wasn't working out, so he talked to everybody. I just sat back, quiet as a mouse.

"Sometimes I drink until I pass out, but then I wake up in the middle of the night and can't get back to sleep. Sometimes I'll buy a morphine pill from Hoover. I break it in half. If I take a whole one, I'll puke. That usually gives me a good night's sleep.

"When I was in hospital last, the only ones to visit me were Carl and Hoover. I don't care about any of the rest of those guys."

"If you go into hospital again, I'll visit you." I said.

"If I do have to go in, I'll leave a message with Grant and Steve. It's getting too cold sitting here. I'm going to leave. I'm not going to bother with the guys at the bench, just go straight home. There won't be too many people there so I'm going to take a long, hot shower. With so many people sharing the one bathroom, I can usually only take about ten minutes."

...

At noon I was surprised to see a group of my friends, sitting on a low concrete wall, in front of Confederation Park.

“Is the bench full?” I asked, “Is that why you’re sitting here?”

“Four police were by earlier,” said Bert. “They charged five of us with having alcohol in a place other than a dwelling. Me, Irene, John, Ruth and Claude were each given a ticket for $125. I’ve got them here in my pocket. I’m going to take them home and stick them on my wall with the others. The thing that makes me really mad is they poured out my wine. Now I'm going to have to get some more."

“How many do you Have now, Bert?” asked Frank.

“Well, the first wall is full and the second wall is about half full. With these I have, maybe forty or fifty.”

"I started a new batch of my rice, raisin wine. It's very simple. The rice and the raisin give it the flavour. I use Sultana raisins, they're the best. I go to Giant Tiger and buy a big bag of their cheapest rice, unflavored. I add some sugar and yeast. Don't use the little packets of Fleischman's yeast, go to a natural food store and buy a bag of fresh yeast, it's cheaper. Me, I make four gallons at a time, but if you're just starting out you may want to make just one gallon. In that case it's two pounds each of rice, raisins and sugar. The recipe calls for one tablespoon of yeast, but I add about a quarter of a cup. I leave it for two weeks and it's ready. They say the alcohol content is 13%, but I'm sure mine is about 20-30%.”

“They treat these like parking tickets,” said Elaine. We don’t have to go to court, we won’t do jail time, but if we ever need to buy car insurance these will have to be paid. There’s not much chance that any of us will get a car. They can’t garnishee our pay because were on O.D.S.P. (Ontario Disability Support Program).

“I’m glad I was on a liquor run,” said Frank. I already have a six month probation order for pan handling. Here I’ve got it in my pocket. See for yourself, it says soliciting in an aggressive manner. I’m not aggressive, but if I get another one, or a liquor violation I could go to jail.

“Sparky was charged with vagrancy, even though he has a place to stay and had money with him. I don’t know why they would charge him with vagrancy. The charges have been stayed for now. We’ll have to wait and see what happens.”

Curt came along with his dog, Capone, a beautiful Golden Retriever, German Shepherd mix. He is four months old and very well behaved. On command, he would sit and be rewarded with a doggy treat for his effort.

At various times people came and went. Leo stopped by on his motorized wheelchair. He gave Frank a baseball cap. Toothless Carl, Annie and Ruth stopped by for a while.

“I think I’m going to go to Dow’s Lake,“ said Bert. On the way I’ll stop at the beer store for as six pack of beer, then I’ll go to Dollarama for some smoked oysters, a big bag of chips and some Clamato juice to go with my beer. Sometimes, I take my fishing rod.”

“Do you ever catch anything?” I asked.

“No, it’s just for show, so they won’t suspect me of drinking. The only problem is there are no leaves on the trees for privacy if I have to pee.

“The only kind of fish in the lake is Carp. It doesn’t have much taste and has a lot of bones. The best way to prepare it is to boil it until the bones are soft then put it through a food processor. I usually make patties to fry, and have some sauce on hand to give it some flavor.”

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6. 1 April - 17 April, 2012: Conversations With Friends	ID #750055
Posted: 4-2-2012 @ 2:32 pm EDT Edited: 4-18-2012 @ 5:55 pm EDT

17 April 2012

I wore a windbreaker to the bench today. The weather was relatively warm and sunny, 48 degrees Fahrenheit with a 15 mile per hour wind. Hoover was passing around a bottle of Fireball to Rhino, John, Cathy, Bert and Paul. Marilyn was asleep on the grass. Claude was sitting off by himself.

Hoover said, "I took a demerol earlier, later I have to go to the doctor to get a morphine shot for my liver. I wonder how that's going to mix with the Fireball?"

I was standing next to Paul, who has long blond hair and a guitar slung on his back. "I can't believe that this still hurts so much." he said to me. He he lifted his sweater to reveal a partially healed, two inch, stab wound in his side. "This happened over a month ago. The blade went in six inches, and just missed my vital organs, I saw the x-rays. I've got another up higher, but it was deflected by my ribcage.

"A crack head named Ray, did this. He lived downstairs in the same building as me. He knocked on my door at 10:00 pm. I'd been sleeping. I answered the door and he said, 'I'm going to buy some weed. If you give me $5.00 we can split a gram.' I said, 'Since I'm awake now anyway, I might as well.' He never came back.

"The next morning I heard him trying to do the same thing to my neighbor. He was even bragging about ripping me off. I argued with him and said, 'Since you ripped me off, I want $10.00, or a gram of weed. He refused and went into his apartment. I walked away and he came up behind me and hit me twice in the side. At first I thought he'd punched me. Then I felt something warm running down my side. My neighbor handed me a hammer and I started chasing after him, but then thought better of it. I decided to go to the hospital.

"Because I was a crime victim there was a cop posted in my room. I was hooked up to an I.V. I said to the cop, 'Watch this!' I pushed the bedside button and a nursse came in. 'It hurts!' I said. She gave me a shot of morphine. I saw a Doctor walking past, I said, 'Doctor, it hurts!' He gave me a shot of morphine. The cop said, 'If you do that once more I'm going to have to report you.'

"The cop drove me home. Just as we were leaving the parking lot I said, 'I forgot to get a prescription for pain medication.' He said, "You're probably going home to smoke pot anyway. I think you can do without a prescription.'

"Since then, Ray has been evicted from our building. There's a sign by the front door saying he's not allowed to enter. He's being held in jail, pending his court appearance. I don't know what's going to happen next."

"So, what kind of music do you play?" I asked.

"A bit of everything, Bob Dylan, the Beatles, Cat Stevens. If you mention a band I probably know at least one of their songs. If you mentioned the Eagles, I could play "Lyin' Eyes'. If you mentioned Creedence Clearwater Revival, I could play 'Proud Mary'. I can play for about six hours without repeating myself. As I get older my memory gets shorter. If I learn a new song, I forget an old one.

"Today I've been busking on the Mackenzie King Bridge, in front of the Rideau Centre. I had to sing over the noise of the busses. My throat was getting dry so I stopped here for a few beer. I'm going to try a mall down the street later on."

Paul had to rescue his bicycle from Sparky, who could barely walk; riding a bicycle wouldn't have been a good idea.

16 April 2012

Sitting on the church steps, near where Chris usually sits, was a sad looking man with a suitcase. He was pleasant looking, in his early forties with dark, wavy hair.

I introduced myself and said, "Are you hungry?"

"Why do you ask?"

"I wondered if you wanted a coffee, breakfast, bus tickets?"

"Oh, no, no, you misunderstand. But, thank you anyway."

We shook hands. When I left he was smiling.

...

The weather at noon was warm and sunny. I met Mo at the bench. "How did your meeting go with your probation officer?" I asked.

"It went okay. I told her I was losing it. She said, 'You don't have to worry. I'm not going to breach you.' That's not it! I can't get my head together, and I feel sick. It was then that I threw up, all over her desk, her papers, everything. To make it worse, all it smelled of was sherry. I've cut back on my drinking a lot. I water my sherry down until it's almost clear, but I haven't been able to eat much.

"She filled out an application for me for housing. She also made an appointment for me, Wednesday morning, with Oasis. They may be able help with my mental problems. They have a drop-in centre for people with mental illness. They have medical staff, counselling and health card assistance. She said I would have a better chance at housing if I am registered with Oasis.

"The main problem I'm having, at Carl's, is there are too many people. I haven't been sleeping well because of the noise. Dave is up three or four times during the night to eat. There were a lot of people over on Saturday. Peru drank a 26 ounce bottle of vodka then pulled another bottle out of her purse. She was so drunk that when she walked back to the Shepherd's she was nearly run over by a truck. They put her on suicide watch all night.

"Carl wanted someone to walk with him because he's getting so fat. I said to him, 'Carl, do I look like someone who needs to lose weight. Take Dave with you. He could lose a few pounds.' Dave didn't wan't to go. Carl got mad and said he was going to buy a dog. That's all I'd need. I'm already cleaning up after eight people. I sweep the floor and within an hour it's dirty again. Today, I just refused. I was better off sleeping behind the dumpsters in back of Starbucks, at least it was quiet. I had Frank then. Now I have nothing.

"Dave took us out for brunch on Sunday. That was a waste. I only ate one sausage and a piece of toast. He and Carl filled their plates about three times. I've never seen anybody eat so much. It was disgusting!"

Sitting on the curb beside me was Louis, who I've met before.

"I'm a member of the Dene, First Nations, from near Lake Athabaska, just south of the Northwest Territories. Dene means "people" in our language. At home I was studying to be a shaman.

"Lately I've been playing guitar with a punk rock band in Montreal. We dressed in leather, with studs, the whole punk thing. It was a rough. After one of our concerts I was jumped by four guys. I've studied tai-chi, that helped. You have to look your opponent in the eye and show him you have no fear. I looked around the guys circling me and I found the weakest one. Then I struck. I beat three of them, the fourth ran away. Even so, I was cut in three places. I've got a scar at the back of my neck and on the left side of my ribs where I was stabbed with a sharpened screwdriver. I've got a six inch scar on my left forearm from being slashed with a knife.

"I also lived in Vancouver for a while. I used to hang around the park at the University of British Columbia. I got talking with a professor. He had three degrees. He was impressed with how much I knew about aboriginal law. He also wondered why I seemed so happy all the time. I told him that if he was looking for happiness he should get a tent and spend some time in the forest, being alone with nature. He took my advice and couldn't believe what a peaceful experience it was. The next time I saw him he called me over to his car. He pulled out a new back pack and gave it to me. He'd seen that mine was torn and patched. Inside were three bottles of wine and $1500.00 in cash.

"I hadn't been home in four years and I missed my mother. I travelled eighteen hours straight, by snowmobile, to visit her. At one point we were racing along beside a herd of caribou. When I arrived at our village, I was wearing goggles and a ski mask. I asked around where my mother and was and a neighbor told me that she was at Bingo. I knew she was a smoker and would be coming out soon for a cigarette. I kept the mask and goggles on and when she came out I started asking about her parents, brothers and sisters. She couldn't figure out who it was, so I took off the mask. She was so happy, she couldn't believe it was me."

15 April 2012

When I'm with the homeless I don't judge. I ask a minimum of questions, only enough to keep the conversation moving. I don't interrogate or ask about their past. Mostly, I listen and try to understand. I am often asked why I am there. Although the reasons are deeper, I usually answer by saying, "The conversations here are more interesting than where I work." I visit them before work, and at noon hours, so I always have an excuse to leave.

What I have learned over the past three months has changed my life. The people, who I consider my friends, are alcoholics, drug and other substance users. Some work as prostitutes, some have AIDS, most or all have served time in jail for various offences. All of them I would trust with my life. They have declared themselves my family. I am honored to consider them my family.

I have heard sickening stories of abuse as children and babies born with drug dependencies. Most have mental and physical illnesses, suffer beatings, broken bones, stabbings, and have a fear of abusive partners, or the police, or both. Authority in any form is seen negatively, as a means to control their lives. The homeless shelters are noisy, infested with bed bugs, the scene of fights and a place where personal items are stolen. Most of these people prefer to sleep inside common areas such as bank foyers, or outside under bridges, or behind dumpsters.

In the conversations I recall, and write on these pages, I try to be as truthful as possible. I leave out details that I think might incriminate, but generally I try to give an accurate picture of the conversations I have with my friends. These people need help, but they want it on their own terms. They don't choose to be addicts. It's a disease and should be treated as such.

13 April 2012

After getting off the bus this morning I was greeted by Steve. "Good morning Dennis!"

"Good morning, Steve!"

"So, is it Dennis or Dale? All this time we've been calling you Dale!"

"It's Dennis!"

"I see, you were having a little joke on us, or you don't care."

"I don't care, Steve, as long as you don't call me late for dinner."

"Have a good day, Dennis."

"Have a good day, Steve."

I approached Mo. She was seated on a plastic storage box that she'd taken from behind the Lord Elgin Hotel, her hood was up and her legs were wrapped in a blanket. "How are you feeling, Mo?"

"Miserable! I have pneumonia again! I just can't take it any more! Toothless Carl doesn't like to see anybody sleeping on the streets, so he'll take anybody in. We had eight adults staying in a bachelor apartment. I'm agoraphobic! I had to step over people to go to the bathroom. You've never heard such snoring! Sometimes I'd drag my bed to the kitchen to try to get away from the noise. Scottish Dave is up three or four times in the night to get something to eat. It's no wonder he's so big."

"Yes, he said he didn't have a beer belly, he had an eating belly."

"I really have to get out of that place! I phoned Audrey, my probation officer, mostly because I thought she had breached me, on account of I missed our last meeting. 'No,' she said, 'from the state you were in when I we last met, I knew something must be wrong.' I asked her, 'Are you sure, when I see you Monday, there won't be two cops waiting in your office to take me to jail?' She said, 'No, you have nothing to worry about.' I told her I had to move. She said she'd help me.

"I'm also having trouble with my friends at 'the benches' or, 'the bench' as it is now. Some of the guys used to loosen the bolts so, when you sat down, the bench would tip over backwards.

"The main problem is there are just too many people there. Frank and Cathy were all over each other. It was enough to make me want to gag myself with a pitch fork. Mina's been drinking vodka lately. She was so drunk that she'd wet herself. I was sitting on the bench, she was standing beside me, all I could smell was pee! Sparky kept falliing asleep and kept leaning on me. It's just too much, sometimes!

"So, Grant and Steve have been calling you Dale?"

"Yes, for a long time!"

"I had a real argument with them this morning. They said that Dale had been asking about me. 'Dale,' I said, 'I don't know any Dale.'"

"Sure you do!" said Grant, "the white haired gentleman with the beard. He walks with a limp."

"That's Dennis! " I said.

"Are you sure?"

"Of course I'm sure!

"So, you didn't mind them calling you Dale, you just went along with it, as long as they didn't call you late for dinner -- right?"

"Right!"

...

Sitting on the bench today were Claude, Elaine, Ruth and her daughter Nancy. Standing was Hoover and Gideon. Seated on the curb were Frank, Cathy and Pudlo. Curled up, wearing sunglasses and his winter coat, with his head on his backpack, sound asleep was Rhino. I sat next to Emile on the sidewalk.

Emile had a scab on his lower lip. He had tried to take a drag from the wrong end of his cigarette. His knuckles were still scabbed from fights he’d had earlier in the week. He was talking about his last day at the Shepherd’s before he was barred.

“I came in late and I had four beer tucked into my belt. One beer slipped and smashed to the floor. A security guard came and shoved me, causing another beer to slip. That got me really mad. I grabbed the guy in a headlock and punched him in the face. Now, all the security guards know not to mess with me.

“A month later I went there to visit a friend. I wasn't in the building, just on the grounds. Someone phoned the police and I did sixty-five days in jail for trespassing."

“Will you shut up!” said Frank to Cathy.

“I know you don’t mean that, Frank,” said Hoover. You two are really close. Admit it, Frank, you love Cathy,”

“I don’t care for her one iota. Do you know how big and iota is?” He held up his thumb and index finger indicating about a quarter of an inch.”

“Frank!” said Cathy, “I know what an iota is. I’m a word person. I’m not very good with numbers, but I think women are naturally better with words. Men are better with numbers.”

“I loved learning English.” said Pudlo.

“I’m a numbers person!” said Emile “Maths, Sciences, Physics – I love to figure things out.”

“What’s twelve times twelve?” asked Frank.

Emile thought about it for a while then said, “One hundred and forty-four!”

“It took you a while though,” said Frank, “didn’t it?”

“Sometimes I know the answer, but it won’t come out. My head doesn’t always work so well. When I had my second heart attack I was on the ice, under the Laurier Bridge. I’ve always wanted to be the troll under the bridge.

“I’d been drinking pretty heavily. I was dressed warm, skidoo suit, boots, the works. The last thing I remember I was hallucinating. I was talking to Frosty the Snowman on one side and Santa Claus on the other. Then I fell asleep.

“Someone phoned for an ambulance. The paramedics had to peel me from the ice. At the hospital my body temperature was 32 degrees. I was packed with ice so I’d thaw gradually and I was put into an induced coma. Doctors said I was dead for four minutes.”

“I’d like to go to sleep right here,” said Frank.

“Don’t do that!” said Cathy. If you want to sleep, go somewhere more private, or you’ll ruin it for the rest of us.”

Before leaving I spoke to Gideon, “How did the housing work out. The last time I talked with you it was all settled."

“It didn't work out, They had too many rules. Also, they wanted to charge me extra because I’m native. They thought I’d be eligible for some grants from the government.

“It didn’t help that the superintendant caught Nancy smoking a joint in the foyer.”

11 April 2012

On the sidewalk this morning I met Bert and Mina. Mina was on the telephone (probably Bert's phone). I asked Bert if he had seen Mo this morning.

"Yes, I saw Mo. She was in her usual spot. I talked with her."

I approached the corner of Metcalfe and Slater Streets. I was in view of where Mo usually sits, but her spot was vacant. I crossed the street and asked Grant and Steve if they had seen her.

"She was here at 6:00 am.," said Steve, "her usual time. I don't think she was feeling well. She may have gone home. Usually she stops to talk to us when she leaves, but she didn't say anything."

...

This noon hour at 'the benches' were Bert, Daniel, John, Annie, Cathy and Frank, Emile and Claude. I sat on the sidewalk with Cathy, Frank and Emile. Claude, as usual, was sitting off by himself, looking like Santa Claus.

Annie was singing, "You Are My Sunshine."

Cathy asked, "Are you aware of the weird things that are happening with the moon lately?"

"When I was a kid," I said, "we used solunar tables, based on the moon, that indicated the best times for fishing. They were always right."

"When I was a boy, " said Frank, "my step dad took us to Rouge Lake in Algonquin Park. In those days there were no roads into the park. We had to portage with our canoes for ten hours before we got to the lake. That night while all the adults were drinking, us kids were tearing around with the dogs. Next morning, my step dad said, 'When the sun gets to the top of that hill is the time the fish will be biting.' We caught fifty-six speckled trout in one and a half hours. It was amazing! Then the game warden came along and said we had six fish over our limit. He gave my mom a ticket. She had to drive all the way to Perth to pay it."

When I was a girl," said Cathy..."

"Will you shut up!" yelled Frank.

"I should explain," said Cathy, "Frank and I have an off again, on again relationship. Right now it's off. We love and hate each other."

"Hi pretty lady!" said Emile to a woman passing by, "Will you smile for me?" It's hard not to smile when looking at Emile, since he has no front teeth. "That's better. That wasn't so hard was it?"

"Emile, keep your voice down!" said Cathy. "We don't wan't to attract any unwelcome attention." Nearly everyone had open bottles of liquor under their coats, or somewhere out of sight.

"We've been coming here for ten years, but It only takes one incident for us to get kicked out. We're safe now, but we used to sit at some benches up the hill. They took those away. There used to be two benches here. They've just taken one away."

"Hey, you see these sun glasses?" asked Emile, "Do you know where I got them? When I was walking across the bridge, two guys were coming towards me. One was wearing these sun glasses. I walked up to the guy and grabbed them right off his face, put them on, then I said to him, 'Are you man enough to hit a guy with glasses, to get these back?' Then I hit the other guy for no reason.

"I was arrested last night. Shenkman came by with his cart, like one of those you pull behind a bicycle, and I asked him to give me a ride in it, so he did. Then he wanted me to give him a ride. I did, but I accidentally went over the curb and Shenkman fell out. We started fighting and that's when the cops came along."

"Emile, you're not going to start fighting here, are you?" asked Frank.

"No, I love you guys. We're all family here."

It was time for me to go back to work, so I said my good byes. When I shook hands with Bert I asked him, "Was Mo feeling sick this morning?"

"Yes, she was having trouble with her legs, so she decided to go home. Have you heard, she's in her new place now?"

10 April 2012

This morning as I arrived downtown the rain had stopped and the sun was shining. Scattered showers had been predicted throughout the day. In Mo's usual spot was a neatly dressed man named Kevin.

"I just got in from British Columbia this morning. It took me four days hitchhiking. I got a lot of rides from truckers. I had been working in a logging camp. It was a fairly large camp with thirty machines. I operated a skidder. The owner died and left the company to his twenty-two year old son, who didn't want to carry on the business.

"I stopped at the Mission this morning. They weren't serving meals. They told me to come back at 7:00 pm.

"I'm originally from the Kootenay region of southern British Columbia, but I found it too expensive to live there. I was paying $850.00 per month, plus utilities, for a one bedroom apartment."

I directed him to St. Peter and St. Paul's Anglican Church up the street. They serve lunch there. I also suggested he go to 'the benches' to meet some of my friends. They could show him around and give him information.

After leaving Kevin I was walking along the sidewalk and met Irwin and Malvena.

"How was the Easter weekend for you, Irwin?"

"Easter day was great. I was 'panning' on Wellington Street and collected $83.00."

"How are you, Malvena?"

"I don't know."

I left them and continued on my way to work.

...

At noon it was raining slightly, then the sky cleared and the sun was shining. At 'the benches' were Bert, Roger, Mina, Jacquie, Hoover and Elaine, Frank and Nancy, Rhino, John, Albert, Harry and Kenny.

"How was your weekend, Rhino?"

"I'm still barred from the Mission, but they let me come for the Easter meal yesterday. It was really good. They served prime rib, mashed potatoes and apple pie. I filled my plate a couple of times."

"I was there too," said John, "I forgot my doggy bag. I was looking forward to having something to eat later while I was watching American Idol."

"Are you still sleeping under the Laurier Bridge, Rhino?" I asked.

"No, I'm staying at the Salvation Army. There are a lot of crack heads there. Some one stole my socks."

"When I stayed there," said John, "some one stole my sneakers."

"I should get a cougar to sleep under my bed." said Rhino.

"Maybe you could borrow Muffy from Darrell," I said, "or borrow Bowser (Sparky's stuffed dog). He's staying on Peter's balcony right now. At least you wouldn't have to feed him."

I sat on the curb next to Kenny. I asked him where he was from.

"I've lived in Calgary, but I've lived here for a while now. Sometimes I work construction or install dry wall, but I prefer labor. I'd never work in an office. I only work outside."

I talked to Harry for a while, he said, "I pan handle like the rest of my friends here, but I don't use a cap or a cup. I just sit on a corner and ask people if they have any spare change. That way I can't be charged by the police.

"Rhino!" said John. "Do you want to go on a beer run for me. I'll give you a beer and a dollar."

"Can I have a beer?" asked Mina.

Later John said to me, "I don't mind sharing, but some people only take, they don't give back."

6 April 2012

I've sometimes wondered why I'm drawn to homeless people. I've found some answers in the book, In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts: Close Encounters with Addiction by Gabor Mate, M.D. He has a web site at: http://www.drgabormate.com

Dr. Mate works with drug addicts in the former Portland Hotel, on Hastings Street, in Vancouver's Downtown Eastside, considered Canada's drug capital.

"What keeps me here? muses Kersten Steuerzbech. "In the beginning I wanted to help. And now...I still want to help, but it's changed. Now I know my limits. I know what I can and cannot do. What I can do is to be here and advocate for people at various stages of their lives, and allow them to be who they are. We have an obligation as a society to...support people for who they are, and to give them respect. That's what keeps me here."

Liz Evans began working in the area at the age of twenty-six. "I was overwhelmed," she recalls."As a nurse, I thought I had some expertise to share. While that was true, I soon discovered that, in fact, I had very little to give--I could not rescue people from their pain and sadness. All I could offer was to walk beside them as a fellow human being, a kindred spirit."

5 April 2012

Another cold morning. Mo wasn't in her usual spot on the sidewalk, but Sylvain was. I sat down beside him.

"Are you new to this area, Sylvain?"

"No, I've been on the streets for fifteen years, but the last three years were in Toronto and Montreal.

"I guess you know Mo then?"

"Yes, I gave here this spot when I moved."

"How is it living on the streets in Toronto and Montreal, as compared to Ottawa?"

"It's much better here. The people are friendlier. In Montreal I was sleeping in a park. They woke me at 4:00 am and gave me a ticket. I said to them, 'If you think I'm paying this ticket, you're crazy.'"

"Bert has a wall papered with tickets."

"That sounds like Bert. Do you know Andre? He died.

"I'm getting cold sitting here. I'm going inside for a coffee."

I moved to the next block to talk with Chris.

"How has it been going, Chris, since I saw you last.?"

"I wasn't here yesterday. It was too cold, but, overall it's been going fine."

"Do you know Scottish Dave?"

"Yes, I know him."

"He was telling me that he's visited eleven countries."

"He probably counts Scotland as a country, then England and Wales. He'd count Ireland as two countries. In that case, I've visited eleven countries also, but that was a long time ago."

"Do you have any plans for the weekend?"

"No, no plans. I may phone the Mission and ask when theyre planning to have their easter meal."

"Well, I guess I should get to work," I said. "Have a good weekend Chris. I'll see you next week."

"I'll see you next week."

...

At noon today the sun was shining, but there was a cold wind blowing. At ‘the benches’ I met Mo, Sparky, Bert, Susan, Peru, Claude, Rhino, Peter and Scruffy.

"How are you doing, Sparky?" I said.

"You know, I think I'm starting to get there. It's cold, that's why I have socks on my hands."

"Sparky!" said Peter, "here's a pair of gloves you can wear."

"These have dog hair on them. Is it from Bowser? (Sparky's stuffed dog standing watch on Peter's balcony)."

“I should have been working this morning,” said Mo. "What happened is I overslept. Scottish Dave and Jimmy John were at Carl’s last night. Dave is so funny when he’s stoned.

“Jimmy John got up early and stole three of Carl’s beer, leaving him with only one. That’s really low. I saw him sniffing around my bag as well, but I kept a close eye on it.

“Dora and Tony left Carl’s place. They were supposed to pay him $75.00. That’s only right if you stay at someone’s place and they feed you. I don’t know if they would have paid Carl if Dave and I hadn’t gone after them. When I caught up with Tony, he had a huge wad of bills.”

“Are you feeling better today?” I asked.

“”After I ate yesterday I felt better, but I’m on my period now. I don’t know why I’m telling you this, but I was off my period for the past four months and now it’s back. It’s heavier than usual. I’m soaking through a tampon every hour for most of the day.

“Will you walk with me to the World Exchange? I want to buy a bottle of wine and use their bathroom. It’ll be warm in there.”

“I was talking to Sylvain this morning,” I said. “He was in your spot.”

“He’s a good guy. He’ll move on when I go back to work."

“I was also talking to Chris. He mentioned that he may go to the Easter meal at the Mission.”

“The Sandwich Lady was by earlier, she gave me a list of all the events at the Mission, the Salvation Army and the Shepherd’s. You won’t see me there – too many people. I’m agoraphobic. Besides that, a lot of people there are pretty sketchy. I’m not that well balanced as it is. I don’t need any of them make it worse.”

“How is the food there?”

“The Easter meal is always good. I’ve liked it when I’ve gone. During the week the menu is boring. Each day they have something different, but from week to week it’s the same. On Sundays they have an Indian family come in to make a vegetarian meal. Can you imagine trying to get men to eat tofu? I don’t think so!

“I got some chocolate Easter eggs this morning. I don’t like eating chocolate, but I’ve got a gallon of vanilla ice cream at Carl’s place. I’m going to smash up the chocolate and mix it with the ice cream. I think that’ll be good.”

My noon hour was over, so I walked the two blocks back to work.

4 April 2012

This morning, standing in Mo's spot, was a middle aged man, his hair brown and thinning, his cap in his hand. He must be new in town, otherwise he wouldn't have been standing in Mo's spot; not if he valued his life. I introduced myself and gave him a gift card for a sandwich. He seemed truly grateful, not only for the card but for accepting him as an equal. His name is Sylvain. I'm not good at small talk, and didn't want him to think I was just interested in him for information, so I just said, "Have a good day!" If I see him again, I'll be prepared with more to talk about.

I expect that Mo is busy with getting settled in her new place. Perhaps, I will find out more at 'the benches' at noon.

...

The sky was overcast with dark clouds looming in the distance, there was a cold breeze blowing, and the smell of rain was in the air. At ‘the benches’ were Mo, Scottish Dave, Sparky, John, Bert, Rhino and Jimmy John.

Mo was the first to greet me. I said to her, “Rhino mentioned that you were in the middle of moving. Is that all settled now?” Mo sat on the curb beside Scottish Dave and I sat on the sidewalk.

“Can you believe it? Carl didn’t pay the hydro. I was stuck with no electricity. I’m staying with a friend for the next month. Do you know Toothless Carl? Well, he has a couple of teeth in front. Anyway, that’s where I’m staying. It was fine for the first couple of nights when it was just me and him, but then his friends started staying over.

“I was eating my supper when Dora starts making out with this guy on the living room floor. I don’t want to see that stuff while I’m eating. I was ready to kill Dora. I said, ‘Will you take that stuff to the shower? That’s what showers are made for.’

“I haven’t been back to the other place since I picked up my stuff. My down filled winter coat got ruined in the last rain we had. I put it in the dryer, but I couldn’t get the down to go back where it was supposed to be, so I left it behind as a bed for Harley.

“I also had to leave my python, “Cyprus” behind. That was upsetting. I paid $75.00 for that snake. I think she was named after the Cuban-American/Latino hip-hop group, “Cyprus Hill". I don’t know. That’s the name she had at the pet store."

Scottish Dave said, “Some of my mates back in Scotland, were really into that group.

“Well, I went to court today and got my resolution. They gave me 120 days, so I’ll serve 80. I’ll be going in May 2nd. My lawyer told me that I could get probation, but I’m a drinker. I’d pile up violations in no time, better I just go to jail.

“After I get out I’m going out west, near Calgary. A friend phoned and offered me a job as a chef, that’s what I studied for in college. I can get work anywhere. When I get out I’ll have everything cleared up; my tickets, everything.

“Ever since I finished college I’ve been traveling -- a wandering hobo. This is the eleventh country I’ve been to, but it’s time to move on. I’ve got myself into a rut here. I traveled all over Scotland, England, Wales, Cyprus and North Africa before coming here. Now, I’m sleeping behind the dumpsters in back of Starbucks. I’ve stayed there before. They know me. I told the manager that I was back, just in case one of the staff saw me there and phoned the police. It’s relatively safe there, they have a spot light and a surveillance camera. They’re really good to me. Sometimes, the manager will bring me a coffee in the morning. The cardboard I sleep on, I slide under the dumpster, so it's there when I need it at night.

“Sometimes, I’ll go to the Blue Gardenia for breakfast. I can get three eggs, half a plate of potatoes. Being Scottish I love potatoes. If the fat cook is on he’ll give me an extra sausage and an extra piece of toast. If I go there near closing time, at 3:00 in the afternoon, they’ll give me an extra bowl of soup. You see this belly? This isn’t a beer belly, it’s an eating belly.

"One of my favorite places to go is Wendy's. I get their Double Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger for $1.89. Since I'm Scottish, I take out one of the meat patties, wrap it up and put it in my pocket. Then I go to Tim Horton's where I can buy a bun for 50 cents. That really makes a meal.

“I do alright. I pan handle on Bank Street. I make thirty to forty dollars, then quit for the day. It’s lazy work. I can’t wait until summer when I’ll have my drinking under control and I can go out west. It's not that the grass is greener, it's just that the grass is different."

It started to rain, then snow, then hail. “I hate the rain. Firstly, I don’t like getting soaked. Secondly, when people have an umbrella in one hand and a coffee in the other, I’m not going to get any change.”

Sparky came over and asked Mo if she had any pot. “No man, “ said Mo, “I don’t have any pot. The only one who had any was Hoover and he’s on a liquor run.” Sparky sat down beside me.

“Here Sparky,” said Mo, “you can have some of my wine.”

“Dave, can you help me up?” asked Sparky.

“Okay, man I’ll help you. Just grab hold of my hand.” Sparky was pulled to his feet and he walked back to the bench to sit down. “I’m surprised that he’s able to walk, being as drunk as he is. I don’t do baby sitting. If some one is too drunk to walk, I just leave them. Let the police take care of them.”

Mo said to me, "I'll see you tomorrow."

Dave said to Mo, "I know you're not feeling well, but it's good to go to work, if only for a little while. I try to work every day whether I feel like it or not."

The hail was getting worse. I had to get back to work. We all said our good byes and ran for shelter.

2 April 2012

Rhino [#1853986]
Photograph of Rhino smiling.

Rhino [#1853986]
Photograph of Rhino smiling.

Rhino at 'the benches.'

The sun was shining at ‘the benches,’ the wind was cool but not too harsh. In attendance were Little Frank with Muffy (part black Labrador, part Chow Chow), Elaine and Hoover, Ruth, Irwin and Malvina, Bert, Claude and Rhino.

“Hi Claude!” I said.

“Hey, it’s Kenny Rogers!”

“Yes, that’s what you said the time I saw you. You said I looked like Kenny Rogers. That was quite a while ago.”

“Hi Rhino!”

“Holy lord thunder, hi Dennis! It’s really good seeing you again.”

“It's good seeing you, Rhino! It’s been a while. What have you been up to?”

“I’ve been okay. I come by here every once in a while. I got real drunk yesterday. I’ve been barred from the Mission again. This time for two days.”

“What happened?”

“I put a hole in the wall. It happened in the dormitory. I came in at about 4:00 am and my bunk mate wrote the time down in a book, as if he was a cop or something. That got me mad. I put my elbow through the wall. It was either that, or set fire to the guy. I would have done it too – douse him with lighter fluid, light a match, then ‘poof.’

“Last night, Little Frank and I slept under the Laurier Bridge. It was a little cool.”

“You have a sleeping bag, don’t you?”

“No, I used to have one, but not now. Bert gave me a winter coat. Now, I need new boots. The soles are coming off these.

“I’m just about ready to move to British Columbia. Remember, I told you that I had an inheritance coming from my grandma? I phoned my parents on the weekend to see how things were coming along. I thought I was going to get $10,000. It turns out it’s going to be more than that – about $80,000. I’ve got a job waiting for me, working in the bush. I’ll buy a mobile home, and I’ll be set.

“You haven’t seen Mo lately, have you?

“Yes, she was here earlier, but she went home. She’s in the middle of moving. Carl hadn’t paid the hydro, so they’ve had no electricity. I don’t know what’s going on with him.”

Muffy barked at a kid riding by on a skate board. A lady stopped to admire Muffy. Frank said, “Don’t try to pet her, she bites, especially kids on skateboards.”

"Oh, that's what the fuss was about."

Leave a comment | Comment Pop

5. March 2012: Conversations With Friends	ID #748117
Posted: 3-1-2012 @ 4:57 pm EST Edited: 3-31-2012 @ 11:37 am EDT

30 March 2012

This morning the sun was shining and the wind was bitterly cold. Mo wasn’t at her usual spot, but Chris, in the next block, was sitting on the sidewalk in front of St. Peter & Paul’s Anglican Church. Within the church is a drop-in ministry under the name of 'A Place to Go' for all who find themselves in need of fellowship, a smile, and some good food. Mo has told me that the ladies who volunteer with this program are always fussing over Chris. They bring him big sandwiches, desserts and mugs of coffee.

Chris is always neat in appearance, his white beard is trimmed and he has sparkling blue eyes. He is also the most un-talkative man I have ever met. I think of myself as a listener and an observer, but not a conversationalist. Today I was determined to have a conversation with Chris.

“Good morning, Chris.”

“Good morning, Dennis.”

“I guess Mo decided that it was too cold for her today.” I commented.

“Yes, it’s too cold for Mo.”

“Do you have any big plans for the weekend?” I tried again.

“It depends on the weather.”

“The forecast is for sunshine with temperatures around the freezing mark.”

“In that case, I have no plans. How about you?”

“Nothing definite.” I said. The next five minutes passed in absolute silence. “Well, I guess I’d better get to work. I’ll see you on Monday, Chris.”

"I'll see you on Monday, Dennis."

29 March 2012

The weather this morning was cold and overcast. Chris was sitting on the sidewalk in his usual spot. We greeted each other.

"You haven't seen Mo today have you?" I asked.

"No, Mo is a wuss; mind you I wasn't here yesterday. I wasn't about so sit in freezing rain and ice pellets."

"Mo's been complaining about a sharp pain in her hip." I said. "It may be arthritis. Sitting on the cold sidewalk wouldn't help."

"No it wouldn't, but Mo has some sort of cushion, doesn't she?"

"Yes, in her backpack she brings a chair cushion and puts a piece of cardboard under that. Then, of course, she has her blanket."

"Yes, Mo always has her blanket. I use a rolled up yoga mat as a cushion. It keeps me from the cold and it's comfortable to sit on.

"Do you ever go to 'the benches', 'the heater' or Confederation Park?"

"No, I don't go there. I know some of those people, but I don't associate with them much. I've known Mo since she was sharing an apartment with someone (Big Frank) in Vanier. A friend of mine had an apartment in the same building."

"I don't seem to be lucky for you today," I said. "Last time I was here you collected quite a bit of change."

"There 's no rhyme or reason to it. There are good days and there are bad days. Summer can be slow because a lot of people are on holidays.'

Chris was humming a tune. "Chris, you have a good singing voice."

"No, I'm no singer," he said. "I'm banned from most of the karaoke bars; not from the drinking part, from the singing part."

"The Ontario government has brought down a new budget. Do you have any opinion on that?"

"Well, they've frozen ODSP (Ontario Disability Support Program) for two years. I'm not on that I'm on Family Benefits. We get an increase of about 1% a year. That amounts to a couple of dollars on our monthly check."

"Do you have any suggestions on how things could be improved?"

"I'm no economist."

It was time for me to go to work, so I left Chris and said I would probably see him again tomorrow.

...

At ‘the benches’ today were Peter and Scruffy, Mina, Violet, Cathy, Sparky, Little Frank, Brenda and Alphonse.

“I’m celebrating today”, said Sparky. I think I may get corked. I went to court this morning and they stayed the charges of obstruction against me. I’ve been on bail since November. I was banned from going anywhere near Mags and Fags on Elgin Street. At first I wasn’t allowed within 600 feet, then they reduced that to 300 feet, then fifty feet. This morning the judge said, ‘Sparky, you’re free to go any where you want.’ I had three bottles of wine with me while I was in court.

Scruffy was barking at everyone that passed. Peter said, “Now I got two dogs to walk at 5:30 in the morning, Scruffy and Muffy. Darrell brought Muff over on Friday and asked me If I would take care of her, because he had to go back into hospital. Of course, I complained and said that he should be paying me to look after her, but actually I like having Muff around. In the morning when I take them out Scruff wants to go one way, Muff the other way. Then they get all tangled up around me.

“What do you think of this weather? We have summer one day, winter the next. (Our temperatures exceeded those of Florida last week, now it is snowing.) There was no way I was going to bring Scruffy down here yesterday. You see how long her coat is. When that gets wet she has an extra fifty pounds to carry, and she’s eleven years old."

“You have another dog, Bowser, don’t you?” I asked.

“You don’t know about Bowser. That’s Sparky’s dog. It’s stuffed, but I don’t think Sparky knows that. One time he was drunk and he came down the sidewalk with this huge stuffed dog the size of Scruffy. I put it out on my balcony. My apartment is on the second floor over the entrance to the building. The neighbors would see this dog and they’d say, ‘Peter, why doesn’t your dog bark any more? They thought it was real.

“I like to come down here and visit with my friends, but I don’t like too many people around. I never have more than three people at my apartment. I like having the dogs around. I see them communicating together and they communicate with me as well. I’ll be in another room and I’ll hear Scruffy’s bowl banging against the wall. She pushes it around with her nose. When I hear that sound I know she’s hungry. You've been around animals, you know what I mean.

Scruffy knocked over Peter's can of Old Milwaukee beer, then commenced to lick the pool that formed. Peter took a plastic bag, poured beer in it and said, "Okay, Scruffy, if you want to be in the club, you have to drink your beer." Scruffy lapped the beer contentedly. "See, she understands what I'm saying. You saw that."

27 March 2012

This morning was cold. Mo was wrapped in her blanket.

"I didn't come here yesterday -- too cold. This is a bad day. I came down late, about 7:00. I have a crawly feeling in my legs from fibromyalgia and have a sharp pain in my hip. I don't know what that's about. I'm only staying here long enough to get enough money to buy some tampons.

"To get home, I take the number 14 bus. That takes me to St. Mary and St. Laurent. Where I'm living is just a short walk down St. Mary.

"I'll probably come back downtown, later, to buy some wine. The store I go to doesn't open until 11:00. The only wine store near where I live sells these fancy vintage wines that cost a fortune. They laughed when I asked for Imperial sherry.

"I don't know what Carl's plans are about the house. He took his computer out yesterday. It seems like he's gradually moving his stuff out. I'm still stuck with feeding his dog, Harley. I bought some crickets for his lizzards and some mice for my python. I don't know what I'm going to do, but I'm not giving Carl any money for next months rent. All of my stuff fits in Frank's bag, except for a few trinkets I made while I was in the hospital. I travel light.

"There's some good news!. The police car hasn't been parked in front of our house since the weekend. I don't know what was up with that.

A native man stopped and put two five dollar bills in Mo's cap.

"Miigwech!" said Mo. To me she said, "That means thank you in Algonquin."

The man replied, "Miigwech gaye giin!" which means, 'thank you to you as well.'

It was time for me to go to work. I stopped briefly to talk with Chris, sitting on the sidewalk. His face was red with the cold, but he's always polite and cheerful.

On my way to catch the bus, for my physiotherapy appointment, I saw Greg sitting on the sidewalk. We greeted each other then he said, "There's this restaurant ..." I handed him a gift card, "There's enough here to buy a sandwich and a coffee."

"There's this restaurant..."

"I'm sorry, Greg. I'm on my way to an appointment."

"How much is on the card?"

"$5.00"

"Okay."

24 March 2012

i'm sitting on the sidewalk
as a woman sobs on my shoulder.
i put my arm around her
and say, "it's okay."
knowing that nothing is okay,
it will never be okay.

i'm way out of my depth.
i dont know what to do
or to say.
anything that comes to mind
is shallow and meaningless.
this woman's experiences
are completely foreign to me.

all I can do is let her cry,
tell her that she has forgiveness,
that what saddens her,
what keeps her awake
or gives her nightmares
is all in the past.
it's time for her to forgive herself
and love herself
and live
in the present moment.

she can't go on.
she can't stand the pain.
she can't do this any more.
drink is the only thing
that numbs her mind
enough to endure,
enough to pass out at night
and do it all over again
the next day.

i can only do
and say so much.
it's always a pleasant surprise
to see her sitting on the sidewalk
knowing that she's made it
through another night;
that she hasn't been taken
by violence, sickness
or the police.

i do what i can.

23 March 2012

Mo was still feeling down today. "I hate sitting with my legs straight out, but my knee is still swollen from where that guy kicked me. I can't sit cross legged. My fibromyalgia is causing pain in my legs. I have been having trouble sleeping, so I drink until I pass out. Now, my liver is kicking me. After today, I'm going to stop drinking.”

“Mo, what you said yesterday, about incidents that happened in Totonto. That was a long time ago. You’ve been carrying that weight, and punishing yourself for over eleven years. What you need to know is that you’ve been forgiven, so now you can forgive and love yourself. Leave the rest in the past where it belongs. You can’t change what happened, the only changes you can make are right now. Also, you don’t have to worry about what will happen when Frank gets out. That’s seven months away.”

"I miss my house, I miss seeing my kids. I can never go back to Toronto ever again.

“I still miss Frank. I was talking to Earl yesterday, he got another letter from Frank. He loves to rub my nose in it. I accused him of being him gay. He denied it, but I said, ’Dude, you were in prison 25 years, There's no way you didn't switch sides.’ I was in prison more years than Frank will ever be. I got to like women."

"That's understandable," I said.

“I don't know why I keep thinking of Frank, but we did have some good times together. I was going out with Chris, who moved to Vancouver, but when I met Frank that was it. He's the love of my life. He always will be. Carl doesn't like him and calls him names, but I said, ‘When Frank gets out, I may decide to have him over. You have your skanky girlfriends over so, I'll do whatever I please.’

"I remember when I first came to Ottawa there was this guy, "Crash Test" who ‘panned’ across the street. He didn't like pizza. I don't like pears. Sometimes we'd have food fights. He'd throw a piece of pizza across the street at me. I'd throw a pear at him. We'd both be ducking and dodging. I think he's in Calgary now. He got involved with some program to help him straighten out.

"Humans, I look at what some of these people wear and I wonder who dresses them. Look at that guy, his jeans are below his ass. I was sitting here early one morning and a guy in the apartment across the street was in the window stretching. He was stark naked. I don't need that first thing in the morning. I waved at him, he backed away and closed the curtains.

"Bert is going to help me get a phone. I can't go back to Rogers because I owe them over $800 in charges, that Fat Richard billed to my account, for porn films. I hate porn. What a loser he was."

Mo gave me a banana that someone had placed in her cap. “I don’t like these. Do you want it?” she asked.

“I’ll see if Chris wants it.”

I had to go to work, so on my way I stopped to talk to Chris. “Here’s a banana from Mo.”

“Doesn’t Mo like bananas? Bananas are a good source of potassium.”

“Mo doesn’t like bananas, apricots, apples or pears.”

“I was talking to Mo this morning. I was early, so we chatted for a while.”

“She’s sweet…when she wants to be.”

“For a moment there, I didn’t think we were talking about the same Mo.”

“I wouldn’t want to be her enemy.”

“No.”

While I was talking to Chris, about six people dropped change into his cap.

“I’m lucky for you. Mo always says I’m lucky for her. Sometimes when she goes into the restaurant…”

“You mean when she needs to pee.”

“Yes, when she needs to pee I guard her stuff. She says, ‘Any change you make you can keep.’”

“I was lucky for her this morning,” said Chris “but she never said that to me.”

...

I was expecting to see Mo at 'the benches' at noon, but she wasn't there. I asked Little Frank, "Has Mo been here?"

"She walked passed at about 9:00. She said her knees were sore so she was going straight home."

"Hi Sparky," I said, "how are you today?"

"This morning I woke up, I didn't know where I was or how I got there. I was in Lindsay's apartment. I still had two bottles of wine, so I had some wine, some cigarettes and some 'mary jane'. I started walking. I wasn't looking for trouble, but trouble found me.

Frank was sitting between Cathy and Nancy. "Frank," said Cathy, "You've got girly socks on, and girly pants."

"These are the only things I could find to wear."

"Frank, can you roll me a joint?" asked Sparky.

Frank pulled out his scissors. "Okay Sparky, give me your pot and I'll roll you a joint."

"Dennis," said Sparky, "can you hold my cigarette. I'm running out of hands here."

"Me, Gideon and John were stopped by the police this morning," said Jim, "for drinking beer in the park. It's lucky that all three of us were sharing the same can. The cop poured it out, so we lost half a beer. If we'd each had our own we would have lost three. He just told us to move along and find another place, so we're here."

"Dennis, what time is it?" asked Little Frank.

"12:15."

"Sparky," said Little Frank, "we'd better get to work."

"What time are you going to work, Sparky?" I asked.

"I'll go to work at what ever time I feel like it. I'm my own boss."

"And you have your own office." I added (referring to his spot on the sidewalk at Bank street at Laurier).

"Yes, I have."

"Scruffy!" shouted Peter, "find a place, any place and lie down." A boy came weaving down the sidewalk on a skateboard. "Whoa! did you see that? It's a good thing I had Scruffy on her lead, or she would have taken a chunk out of that guy. She loves to chase skateboards. She nearly pulled my shoulder out of joint."

"Rhino!" I said, "you'd better not let Mo see you in that Metalica shirt. She'll want to take it off you."

"No, it's Gideon's shirt she wants."

It was then time for me to go back to work, so we shook hands all around, then I left them -- my family.

22 March 2012

I talked with Mo this morning. She isn't doing well. "I haven't been taking my medication lately because I don't have a health card. I can't get a health card because my picture identification was lost when I went into hospital. Audrey, my probation officer, has copies of my papers, but she won't be back until Wednesday. I have an appointment with her then. No other probation officers can help me. I had two epileptic seizures last night.

"I still miss Frank. I’ve written letters to him in prison, but he hasn’t answered. I just want to find out how he’s doing. I worry about him. Earl has gotten letters from him. I think he sends money to Frank. Earl asked me if I wanted to see the letters that he had received. I said, ‘I don’t want to see them if they’re like the last one you showed me, where Frank did nothing but call me names like bitch, douchebag and ho. I think Frank likes Earl more than he does me.

I met Mo at 'the benches' yesterday. She doesn't remember. "After I had a joint, I got so wasted that I don't even know how I got home last night. I must have jumped a bus."

21 March 2012

I talked with Mo this morning and stressed how important it was that she contact Audrey. Unfortunately, Audrey is away this week. Mo has an appointment with her for next Wednesday. I asked her if she could see another probation officer. She said she could. I asked her to promise me that she would go. She said she would.

"The police car is still parked in front," said Mo, "but there is no pot in the house. I told Carl that I'm moving out. He sold his $3000 bicycle for $150 and took some other things, including a plasma TV to the pawn shop. He admitted that he'd really messed up."

...

The weather was hot today today, 25 degrees Celsius (77 degrees Fahrenheit). The Weather Bureau is forecasting snow for Saturday. At the benches today were Rhino, Ruth (Nancy's mother), who doesn't like being mistaken for her daughter, Mo, Sparky, Peter and Scruffy, Albert, Little Frank, Gideon, Bert and Cathy.

"I'm feeling a bit drunk." said Mo. "I feel all messed up. Things are going around in my head. My mind is going 125 miles an hour. I feel like I want to cut myself. There are two reasons why people cut themselves, either for attention or for distraction. I just want to be able to think straight.

"I'm supposed to phone this lady at Millhaven (Penitentiary) to find out where Frank is being transferred. I don't care where he is as long as it's not here. They're supposed to send me a letter advising me of when he's going to be released. He isn't supposed to come within a hundred feet of me. So, I could be here and he could be across the street having a beer or something.

"When Frank beat me up Sparky was there. He tried to defend me, but Frank knocked him down. He tried to get up, but I said, 'Sparky, stay down!' Frank had already broken my nose and I was on the ground. Then he started kicking me in the ribs. That's when I passed out.

"I really love Frank. We had talked about getting a place in the country, maybe raising a few chickens. I thought we would grow old together and live happily ever after. I'm not going to change my life because of Frank. We have the same friends. I introduced him to all these people. They're all I have. They're my family. That means everything to me.

"Audrey, my probation officer, isn't so bad. It's just that she gets after me to take a course in anger management. I'm not angry. When I was arrested it was my blood on Frank. He said in court, 'It's about time that women pay for assaulting men.'

"My snake shed her skin today. It's the first time it came off in one piece. Some of my native friends make bracelets by weaving strips of snake skin, but I don't want that. It feels rough with the scales."

"Hey, Mo!" called Peter, "I need a cigarette roller. Would you please roll me one?"

"Peter, this pot it hard. I've chewed my fingernails and I can't break this up. I need scissors.

"Rhino, fat boy, get me Little Frank's scissors!" To me she said, "These guys will do anything for me. They've seen me fight. They're afraid of me, and I'm the only woman here that they haven't had."

"Sparky," I asked, "how have you been?"

"This has been a bad month. Yesterday, I gave a runner $15 to buy me two bottles of wine and he went south on me. Then I went to that church where they serve meals. I gave a guy $10 to buy me a bottle and he went south. So far, this month, I've lost $100, that's not counting what I lost previous to this month.

20 March 2012

Mo wasn't in her spot today. I went to the next block to talk with Chris. "So what excuse does Mo have for not being here today?" he asked.

"Mo was kicked in the knee by some guy yesterday morning. While we were sitting together he came up to us and just stared. Mo said, 'Get lost!.' After I left he came back and kicked her in the knee."

"What was his reason for that?"

"He was crazy."

"That explains it."

"Mo also had a problem with some "twinkies" and "candy kids" who tried to take her spot."

"Mo wouldn't have any of that. These kids come from the suburbs. I don’t know what they think they’re playing at.”

“I’m half an hour early for work, because I can’t depend on the buses getting me here on time. The service is really poor now.”

“I guess you heard that they have a new guy in charge of the transit commission. He’s only been in the job a month and now he’s on a cruise in the Caribbean.”

“That shows where our money is going. I’ve used the transit system in Toronto, Montreal and New York. There it’s cheaper and more dependable.”

“”When you compare Toronto, Montreal and New York with Ottawa, you must consider that they have a subway system; we don’t. I've travelled quite a bit. I'm originally from the Hamilton area.”

"How is your day going, so far?"

"I've been here since 6:45. Tuesdays are always slow. I'll be staying until about 10:30. After that it's quiet, not many people passing by. I'll stay later, depending on how much I've collected."

"What days are the best for you?"

"Friday is always the best. People feel generous because of the coming weekend. Second, would be Monday. I guess people still have some of that good spirit left."

19 March 2012

This morning Mo started crying and buried her head in my shoulder. She said, "I know I need to get out of that place. The police car is still parked in front of our house. There aren't that many people coming to our door, especially now with the police car out front.

"I saw a few apartments on the weekend. Some of them were nice. The rent is about $750 a month, about the same as I'm paying Carl. I just found out that I'm paying the full amount of the rent. Carl doesn't pay anything towards rent. He's supposed to pay the rest of the bills, but I don't know if he's been paying them.

"Yesterday I was outside cleaning and raking the back yard because of the mess that Harley (the pit bull) had made over the winter. He was outside with me the whole time. We came inside and he crapped in the middle of the kitchen floor and on Carl's CD's, then he peed on Carl's computer. I think he's dying. He's ten and a half years old. Carl needs to pay more attention to him, but he's always away at his girlfriend's house. Her name is Christina, she's a coke head. I always call her Christine just to make her mad.

I left a note for Carl, 'He's your dog, deal with it.' I took a toothpick and pinned the note to the pile of dog turd. When I came home later the note and the pile were still there and Harley had pooped again, right beside the first pile.

"I have just enough money to pay rent and to buy food. I don't have any extra to buy dog food. Harley doesn't eat the canned food, it gives him the runs. He eats the kibble that comes in big bags. I can't afford to buy that. Yesterday, I cooked pork chops and gave him the bones and some of the fat.

"Tonight I'm having perogies. I just love the ones with cheeze.

"Hi sweetheart!" A woman stopped and put a dollar in Mo's cap. "Thanks honey!"

"She's lost ten pounds. I told her about the diet that I was on. I don't eat during the week, only on Sunday. I told her to try it and it worked for her."

I have names for some of the people that walk by. Some oif them I see every day. There's one little old lady with skinny legs. She's always rushing. I call her 'the stork'. There's a guy who I'll see here in the morning, then I'll see him again at Confederation Park. I call him 'the stalker,' but I can't give away all my secrets.

A strange looking man, wearing a trench coat stopped in front of us and just stared. Mo gave him the finger. He just stood there staring at us. "Get out of here!" yelled Mo. The man eventually walked away.

"Some people say that spring is here when the trees come into bud, but I say it's when the weirdos come out, then, of course, are the twinkies and candy kids. There were some here this morning. I had to kick them out. They said, 'We slept here last night so this is our spot.' I said, 'Look dude, it doesn't work that way. I've been here eleven years and there's no way you're taking my spot. Tomorrow I'm going to be packing, maybe a sharpened screwdriver or a long blade.'"

I found out later that after I had gone the weirdo came back and kicked Mo in the knee, knocking her to the ground. She was still limping at noon.

...

At noon I went to 'the benches' to meet Mo and the others, which included Gideon, Terry, Rob, Peter 'Lonely Heart', Bert, Cathy, Elaine, Hoover and John. That's when Mo told me about being kicked.

"Some people say that spring is here when the trees start to bud, but I say it's when the wierdos come out. After Dennis left, this guy came back and kicked me in the knee, knocking me to the ground, that's why I'm gimping. Tomorrow, I'm going to take a sock and put a bar of soap in it. If that guy comes back I'm going to beat him with it."

"Everybody seems to be fighting!" said Cathy. "I was in a fight with Albert yesterday. He was flashing all this money and when I asked him for a loan he said no, so I slapped him. He hit me back, but I grabbed him around the knees and pulled him down. I was punching him in the face when somebody pulled me off him."

Marilyn came over and gave Mo a hug. She said, "I would have brought your pants, but I didn't know you would be here."

After she left Mo said to me, "A couple of years ago she was hit by a car and left for dead. She had broken arms, broken legs, a broken pelvis. One side of her face was smashed in. She lost an eye. Nobody thought that she'd recover. It took about a year before she was able to leave her house. She's been coming here for about nine months now. She's very sweet."

Mo said to Cathy, "You're so skinny, you don't have an ass anymore."

"I'm on the Shepherd's of Good Hope diet." said Cathy, "I went there for lunch yesterday and everything tasted like dog food, I couldn't eat it. You should go there and get a take out for Harley."

"How are you doing, Gideon?" Mo said to a man wearing a Metalica shirt. "I'm going to get that shirt from you, just wait and see."

"This has been a good day.' said Gideon, "I went for an interview for assisted housing and it was approved. I've been waiting nine months for the interview." Gideon has the deepest voice I've ever heard.

"Congratulations!" said Mo.

I asked her if she could qualify for assisted housing.

"Gideon is Inuit. Where he is going is a place for just Inuit people. If I had my native card and the rest of my identification there are places that I could qualify for, but a lot of my papers and photographs of my kids were lost when I went into hospital. I have a birth certificate, but nothing with my picture on it. I asked Frank to get my papers, but he didn't. He was only concerned about his tools."

"Could Audrey, your probation officer help?"

"My probie? She could, she's supposed to. but I haven't gotten them yet.

"Audrey could help me find a place, but this time I'm doing it by myself. I'm proud of that.

"I think I'm going to be leaving soon. I feel uncomfortable. I have agoraphobia and there are a lot of people here. It's not just the number of people, but some of them I don't know too well and some of them I don't like.

"Can you spare me some change?"

"I don't have any." I said. "I don't even have my wallet with me."

"That's probably a good idea."

On my way back to work I met Irwin and Malvena, sitting on the sidewalk.

"Hi bro, how's it going?"

"Hi Irwin, Malvena. It's great to see you. I'm on my way back to work, so I can't stop to talk. Maybe, I'll see you tomorrow."

17 March 2012

I look into my crystal ball;
your future's looking bleak.
Think of where you want to be
next year, next month, next week.

From what you told me yesterday,
you risk your freedom and your wealth.
How does this fit into your plan?
How does this affect your health?

I know you're trying harder
than you've ever tried before.
Please, leave that place before police
come crashing through your door.

You have friends, you're not alone,
pack your bags and leave the jars.
Even sleeping on the sidewalk
beats staring through prison bars.

The choice is yours, it's always been.
Think of yourself. What's best for you?
I want to see your smile each day;
a memory -- it just won't do.

16 March 2012

Wayne and Steve, the newspaper vendors, greeted me this morning, "Hi Dale, don't drink too much green beer this weekend."

"I will."

"I'll be into the scotch whiskey, myself."

"Have a good weekend, Dale."

"You too Wayne, Steve."

In the next block I met Chris, who was sitting cross legged, on the wet sidewalk, in his usual place in front of the church. I said, "I guess it's too wet for Mo. She's getting soft in her old age."

"She may have been here earlier. If she was here at 6:00, her usual time, it was pouring rain. I got here about 45 minutes later and the rain had stopped. The weather's fine now."

"Have a good morning, Chris. I'll see you Monday.

"Bye, Dennis. Have a good weekend."

...

At noon I was invited out for pizza with friends, so I didn’t take my normal noon hour route. On the way I met Dave and two other street people that I hadn’t seen before. One was a sweet, little old lady with a squeaky voice. Since I was following four of my friends I didn’t have time to stop and chat.

On my way back I stopped at ‘the benches’. Rhino, Bert, Claude, Little Frank, Albert and others were there.

Rhino [#1853982]
Photograph of Rhino.

Rhino at 'the benches'

“I’ve been sober for two days now , said Rhino. I’m going to stay that way. I’m on the second floor of the Salvation Army now.”

“Is that better?”

“No, not really. I want to get a place of my own where it’s quiet, I can lock the door and lay down.

“Someplace with out bed bugs?”

“Even some of the rooming houses have bed bugs.”

“I’ve heard that they can be killed with heat.”

“No, by freezing. When I had them they took all my clothes, put them in a plastic bag and threw it in the freezer for twenty-four hours."

It was time for me to return to work. On my way I met Irwin.

“Hi Irwin. How have things been going for you since I saw you last.”

“Not so good. I haven’t seen Malvena for two days, and I don’t want her to think I’m stalking her.”

“Has she been staying with her parents?”

“Either with her parents or at Edgewood.”

I checked on-line and found the following description of Edgewood:

"The Domiciliary Hostel program offers supportive housing and a very cost effective resource for people who are homeless or at risk of being homeless as a result of battles with mental illness, or have had some other of life’s misfortunes befall them."

15 March 2012

This morning was cold and windy. Mo was covered in a blanket, her hood pulled up, sitting on a piece of cardboard.

I mentioned to Mo that I had been talking to Sparky yesterday, "He didn't want me to go back to work. He wanted me to keep him company. Everyone else had left."

"If you stayed, he would have gotten so drunk that he couldn't walk. Then he'd ask you to help him to mom and pop's. That's why his other friends go south on him. The last time I helped him, he fell down three times. I'm not strong enough to pick him up. I had to ask someone to help me to get him on his feet. We got him up up and he was leaning against a wall at Laurier and Bank. We left him there.

"I've been sitting here since 6 am. I'm freezing, and miserable. I was so nervous this morning that I smoked a joint before coming here and I've been drinking. I was doing so good before. I don't know what's going on with Carl. I have to find a new place. I've made appointments to see five apartments in Vanier, three on Saturday, two on Sunday.

"There's been a police car parked in front of our house for the past few days. The cop will look at his computer, then look at the house. He stays there all day. It's really got me freaked out.

"I hate kids! I don't hate all kids, I have five boys of my own. I hate other people's kids! Dion, who lived in the house where I am now, had two teenage kids. Neighborhood kids would come over and just hang around. They'd want to see the lizards, the snake, Harley, he's a pit bull. Harley doesn't like kids. He bites them. I don't want to have to take him to the basement just so the kids can come in. I don't want them here.

"They still come to the door. I tell them, "Dion doesn't live here anymore. Go away!' They say, 'Come on, Mo, let us come in for just a little while.' 'No!,' I say, "This isn't a zoo. You can't just come around here anytime you want.'

"I bought groceries yesterday: margarine, chicken, pork chops. I could really pig out. I like to have some food in the fridge for when Carl's son comes over, but he always brings a couple of kids with him. I can't afford to feed these neighborhood kids.

"When I took Harley for his walk this morning, he pulled me down on my face on the sidewalk. Carl is sixty pounds heavier than me, but even he has trouble controlling him sometimes.

A strange looking man came by carrying a backpack. He said something to Mo, I couldn't make it out. She replied, "Whatever."

"Who was that?" I asked.

"One of the 'bugs' from the Mission."

"What's a bug."

"One of the crazies. I don't pay any attention to them."

"All this time I've been venting. I'm sorry.

"Hi handsome."

"Hi Mo," said a well dressed man, with an Australian accent. He bent to put a five dollar bill in Mo's hat.

"Thanks, honey! Next time you go back, save some room for me in your suitcase. I'm small, I won't take up too much space.

"I'll keep that in mind," he said as he walked away.

"Well, I should be heading to work," I said. "I'm finished here too", said Mo. "I'll get up first, then I'll help you up. Look at us, two old farts helping each other up."

14 March 2012

Mo was cheerful today, singing her rain dance song, "rain, rain go away / come again another day."

I held my umbrella over her, but she said, "Don't bother, I'm soaked through to the skin already.

"I've been sick since Friday. I was at Bert's house, cooking him supper and drinking his home made wine. Usually it doesn't bother me, but this must have been a bad batch. I've been throwing up ever since.

"I was expecting Nancy and her dog Muffy to come by today. Muffy is cute, but I don't touch her. She could be carrying fleas, bed bugs or anything. I even stay clear of some of my friends because the shelters are full of bed bugs. I invited some friends to stay over, because they had no place to sleep. When I next used the mattress it was crawling with bed bugs. I threw out a $2500.00 mattress. I won't do that again.

"I saw Audrey, my probation officer, Friday. She told me that Big Frank (6' 4") is being sent to Millhaven Maximum Security Prison for assessment. Later, they may move him somewhere else. I don't care as long as he's not here.

“They are supposed to notify me when he gets out, but he'll still find me. We have the same friends, but now there are a lot of them who are anxious to beat him up, especially Chris (Sausage Fingers). He has my permission.

“I’m looking for a new place. There are a couple that I’m going to view Saturday, in Vanier. It will be close to where I used to live.”

…

Rhino, Sparky, Little Frank, Peter and Scruffy were at ‘the benches’ today.

Rhino Rolling a Cigarette [#1855689]
Rhino Rolling a Cigarette

Rhino Rolling a Cigarette [#1855689]
Rhino Rolling a Cigarette

Rhino at 'the benches' rolling a cigarette.

“Have you been sleeping outdoors lately, Rhino?

“Last night I stayed at the Salvation Army. It was too wet to sleep outside.”

“How was it?”

“It was okay, better than sleeping in the rain.”

“Were there any bed bugs?”

“I didn’t notice any. I’m going back there at 2:00 for my P.N.A. (Personal Needs Allowance). It’s based on how long I’ve stayed there. I think I should get $28.00 this time. That’ll be good, especially since I don’t have any money now.”

I told Peter that Mo had gotten sick drinking Bert’s home made rice and raisin wine.

“That stuff is powerful, about 28% alcohol. Bert hasn’t been drinking lately, so I think that this last batch has had longer to ferment. I drank four 12 ounce glasses of that stuff. When I was going down the stairs I slipped and hit the back of my head on one of the steps. I got a big bump. I can still feel it.

“Darrell brought his dog Muffy to my place last night and he hasn’t been back since. At 5:30 this morning I had two dogs to walk.”

Scruffy bit Frank’s shoe and wouldn’t let go. Frank was dancing on one leg trying to get his foot out of Scruffy’s mouth.

“She bit my thumb Saturday," said Peter. "I bled like a stuck pig. You can still see the mark and it hurts like hell.”

“How old is Scruffy?”

“She’s ten and a half years old, come September. I can’t remember her birthday.”

“Do you think she is in any pain, Perhaps, from arthritis.?”

“No, she’s not in any pain.”

“I can run pretty fast.” said Frank, “I had Scruffy on her leash and was running with her. She was pulling me the whole way. She’s a strong dog.”

“I’d better get back home to check on Muffy and Bowser (part golden retriever, part boxer). Maybe, Bowser has eaten Muffy."

Sparky Panning [#1853977]
Photograph of Sparky 'panning'

Sparky Panning [#1853977]
Photograph of Sparky 'panning'

Sparky 'panning' at 'the benches'

“Sparky, has Scruffy ever bitten you?” I asked.

“Only once. For some reason she didn’t want me to leave. She bit into the back of my pant leg and wouldn’t let go.”

“On Friday I saw your daughter Lottie with your grandson. What is his name?”

“Tomorrow, at least I call him that because I can’t pronounce his real name. I just say, ‘I’ll see you, Tomorrow.”

“How many grandchildren do you have?” Sparky held up his hand with outstretched fingers indicating five.

“What is your other daughter’s name?”

“Pam, Pamela.”

“So does Lottie have two children and Pam three”

“Roughly.”

“Are you planning to go to work at 3:00?”

“Around there. Right now I just want to get drunk. I still have a bottle of sherry in my coat pocket, I have $10:00 in my wallet. I’m enjoying myself. I’m contented. Life is good.”

12 March 2012

There was a full house at 'the benches' today: Bert, Little Frank, Hoover, Peter and Scruffy, Rhino, Tommy, Lawrence, Cathy, Elaine, Sparky, Sparky's daughter Lottie and her baby.

Scruffy was the first to greet me. She came bounding up to sniff my hand and nearly bit my knee. I petted her for a while then she ran off barking at someone. Peter said that she has been going crazy today. He gave her some biscuits, she ate them, then wanted more. He offered her dry dog food and a bowl of water, but she just barked. Eventually she lay down beside me. She allowed me to scratch her neck for a while, then indicated that she'd had enough. I thought she was going to bite my hand but she didn't close her teeth. Little Frank has scars all over his hand where she has bit him.

Scruffy limps due to a car accident. I asked Peter about it. He said, “I don’t want to go there.”

I asked Frank how his weekend was. "I had some ups and downs," he said.

"I threw him out of my house Friday night," said Peter, "at 3:00 in the morning. I guess that would be one of the downs he's talking about."

"Yeah, I got a lot of people pissed off at me that night. I don't know what happened."

I asked Peter about his weekend. "I had a barbeque. I was eating a piece of steak and I didn't chew it well enough. Somehow it got stuck in my esophagus. I asked my friend to do the heimlich maneuver on me. He did it wrong and I thought he broke some of my ribs. I was in so much pain that we sent for the paramedics. The hospital staff sure had a laugh at one drunk trying to help another drunk. I should say, they had a good laugh at me, since my friend didn't stick around. They said the heimlich maneuver wouldn't have worked, even if it had been done properly, because both air passages would have to be blocked. Only one of mine was blocked. I was able to breathe through the other one. They shoved some kind of tool down my throat and were able to extract the piece of steak. They sure had a laugh.

"It turned out that I didn't have any broken or cracked ribs. A couple have been bruised and separated. It hurts so much I can't bend over to tie my shoes.

I asked Rhino about his weekend. "I slept outside last night, under the Laurier Bridge. There is an exhaust fan overhead, I've got a good sleeping bag, the weather was mild, so, it wasn't too bad.

I've had it with the shelters. It’s really bad there now, mostly crack heads. Things get stolen, it's noisy, fights start, there are bed bugs. I’d like to get a clean place that’s quiet, no bugs and a lock on the door.

I mentioned to him that I’d visited his Facebook site. “Then you saw the picture of the D11 Cat that I ran. That’s the world’s largest bulldozer. I operated that one at the Peace Canyon Dam near Chetwynd, British Columbia. The reservoir is Dinosaur Lake, thirteen miles long."

I asked Hoover how his weekend had been. “I’ve been sick. I’ve had a lot of pain in my legs, my right hip and my shoulders from my HIV. Morphine makes me sick. I take the pills and sometimes they stay down, most times they come right back up. Marijuana and booze work better than the morphine.

Lottie, Sparky’s daughter, came by with her baby. Everyone crowded around and commented on how cute he was, not at all like his grandfather. The baby started crying, so Lottie thought it best to move on.

9 March 2012

I sat next to Sparky on 'the benches' today. Danny was collecting wine bottles and beer cans, from the trash barrel, to return for deposit, "Hey, I got at least a buck here!" He'd stand the beer cans on the sidewalk and stomp them with his foot so they'd take less space in his bag.

Bert and Peter, 'Lonely Heart' (without his dentures), were enjoying the sun.

Peter came over to show Danny how to stomp the cans properly. "We used to do this in my apartment, with a hardwood floor. You should have seen the circles it left."

Peter asked me, "You're here almost every day. Do you work close by? We were trying to figure out what kind of work you do."

"I come most days, not every day. I work in that tall building down the street. I'm in the mail room. I fetch and carry, do what I'm told. I find the conversations here more interesting."

"Right on, man! I used to work in the mail room at Unemployment Insurance. It was back when they issued those cardboard checks. I worked in the room where they cut the checks. It was really high security. Not even the guards were allowed into the place where we worked. We used to smoke pot, do anything we wanted. Who'd have thought that the people cutting those checks were stoned all the time."

A boy, who didn't appear to be old enough to shave, came by on a skate board. He stopped and asked, "Do any of you guys want to buy some weed?"

Sparky replied, "We've got our own, but thanks for asking.

"Bert, dial 'Sparky1', I want to speak to my daughter. "It's me. If I'm not at 'my office' by 3:00, I'll be at mom's." He then handed the phone back to Bert.

Peter asked, "Hey Bert, how much are you paying for your phone plan?"

"I pay $25.00 a month. It's the cheapest I could find. I can call anywhere in the city day or night. If I pay another $10.00 a month I could call anywhere in Canada."

"I was checking some rates this morning. Let me get the brochure out of my pocket." With the brochure also came Peter's dentures, falling on the sidewalk.

"Don't anybody move! Damn! It looks like I broke a tooth."

Sparky pulled a plastic toy baby out of his pocket. He flicked a switch on the baby's back and held it to my ear. I heard laughing, then, "Time to wake up!" He laughed and said, "Isn't that funny? It belongs to my grandson."

I said to Sparky, "Tell me about your boxing days in Toronto."

"I learned to box when I was six years old. We had a heavy bag in the barn. My dad taught me, my dad and my uncle. Later, I sparred in the ring with George Chuvalo and there was another guy. I forget his name. Oh, I remember, it was Shawn O'Sullivan.

"Where did you fight?"

"Cabbagetown. I lived in Parkdale, I was always fighting. I was in Toronto through the 1970's, then I came to Ottawa.

"Hi ladies! Have a nice day." To me he whispered, "Nice rump roast on that one.

"I got some pot, but I need a cigarette roller. Danny will you roll a joint for me?"

"I'd love to man, but I got the shakes. Your pot would end up all over the sidewalk. Ask Peter, he's good at that."

"Peter will you roll me a joint?"

"I can't, man. I got my hands full. Use Bert's pipe. Bert, give Sparky your pot pipe."

8 March 2012

A woman came by and put two pennies in Mo’s cap. She took them out and placed them behind her on the sidewalk. "I’ll leave them for Richard, he’ll take them. The pennies I left yesterday are still there.

“Do you see that fat guy, across the street, talking to the security guard? He tried to take my spot yesterday. He said, ‘You’re only here a few days a week and I’m sleeping on the sidewalk with my dog.' I said, ‘That’s not my problem. You made your own choices.’ Then he punched me in the head. The security guard saw it and raced across the street. He had the guy down on the sidewalk in seconds. I have a lot of friends around here.

“I have to find a new place to live. Carl says he’s going to raise my rent. It’s just because he owes a lot of money. The electricity hasn’t been paid, the heat hasn’t been paid and he’s probably behind on the rent. He asked me to have cable hooked up for the TV, but I can’t. When I was staying with Fat Richard, he ran up a bill of $270.00, just on porn. What a sicko! He left and I was stuck with the bill. I couldn’t pay it, so I can’t go back there.

"When I see those young girls at the Mission, it makes me so mad. We call them 'twinkies' or 'candy kids'. I'd just like to slap them and tell them to go home while they still have the chance."

...

Sparky Smiling [#1853979]
Photograph of Sparky smiling.

Sparky Smiling [#1853979]
Photograph of Sparky smiling.

Sparky

When I arrived at ‘the benches’, Sparky was sitting alone, with a snow shovel.

“Do you know why I have this shovel? I went to the Mission and they wouldn’t feed me, so I took their shovel. I wasn’t sneaky about it. I took it right in front of their faces.

"I’m barred there for life. I was sleeping there one time and the staff kicked me. I call them ‘the steroid monkeys’. How would you like to be kicked at 6:00 in the morning? They could have said, ‘Hey Sparky, it’s time to get up, but they didn’t. They kicked me. I said, 'Okay, just wait until I get out of bed. I used to be a boxer. I’ve sparred with Shawn O'Sullivan

and George Chuvalo

in Toronto. It wasn’t long before ‘the steroid monkeys’ were lying, out cold, on the floor.

“I lost one of my mitts. I have a right, but no left.”

“Where were you born, Sparky?”

“On the Curve Lake reservation

, that's my 'rez', but mostly I grew up on the streets of Parkdale in Toronto.

Since time immemorial the Anishnaabeg ancestors of the Mississauga’s of Curve Lake First Nation have inhabited North America. Written history, spelling and grammar misinterpretations have led to confusion of what we have been called over the years. To avoid argument we will go with the fact that we speak the Anishnaabeg language we are Ojibway by description and of the Mississauga Nation because we resided in the general area of the Mississauga River.http://www.curvelakefirstnation.ca/

“I’m just waiting for Rhino to come back with my run. He’s getting a bottle of wine for me. I hope he doesn’t try to boost it. If he does, he’ll go back to jail and I won't get my wine. I haven’t had a drink for two hours now.

"One time a guy took a photograph of me. He said he'd bring me back a print. What he brought back was a poster. Can you imagine me on a poster? Ha, ha, ha. I gave it to my mom. She loved it.

"My mom still owns the restaurant (The Friendly Corner). I go there for lunch every day. If she doesn't see me she worries."

7 March 2012

I handed Mo a sheet of bus tickets. She, said, "Thank you so much. You've saved my life. I got another $150.00 fine for sneaking on the bus, at the back door, without paying. The guy said, 'So, what name are you going by today?'

"I said, "What name was I going by last time? Just give me the paper!' I can't remember what name I gave him.

"I haven't been out much. The weather has been too cold. I was out for a while yesterday, but I had to come into the restaurant to get warm."

"All these guys keep hitting on me! I'm lonely. I miss Frank! I was a hooker and bought my mother the house that she died in. If I'm with some guy, I want a long-term relationship. I don't want some fly-by-night stuff. I'd rather shoot myself in the face.

"I haven't had a drink in nearly two weeks, until yesterday. I was over at Bert's, playing dice, when he starts rubbing my back, then my thigh. I said, 'Bert, are you trying to get it on with me? It's not going to happen!' He said, 'Well, you're in my house, you're drinking my vodka, eating my egg rolls!'

"You're not getting my bod for that! Think again!

"I could tell you some stories that would make your hair curl. When I was about four, my dad, and Uncle Doug, took me and my sister to Lake Miskwabi, near Haliburton. My grandfather had a place on an island. My dad and Uncle Doug decided to take my sister into town. My grandmother made me a sandwich and told me to run as far and as fast as I could. She knew what my grandfather was like.

"One time he caught her sending me off and he started beating her. I jumped on his back, but he just threw me against a wall.

"I ran to one of our tree forts, our most recent one. It wasn't even on my grandfather's property. When Mr. Jones saw him he said, ' 'Bruce, you're not coming on my land with a shotgun!'

"Why would a grown man be chasing a four year old with a shotgun?"

An attractive couple approached us. The woman, with long black hair, an expensive coat and long black leather boots looked like a movie star. She bent gracefully from her knees and put change in Mo's cap, then kissed her on the cheek.

"So this is your new husband?" enquired Mo.

"Yes Mo, this is Bryce. Bryce this is Mo."

"This is my friend Dennis. Dennis this is Katherine and Bryce."

"I'm very pleased to meet you," I said and shook hands with both of them.

"So, how long have you two been married now?"

"It's been two months."

"So, I guess you're still on your wedding thingamajig?'

"We'll always be on our honeymoon.

"So, how have you been doing, Mo?"

"I still have problems with my fibromyalgia. I'm sore all over. I was in hospital a couple of times. My kidneys shut down, It could have had something to do with my epileptic seizures. It could have been because I wasn't eating properly.

"You'll have to come over to visit me in my new place."

"We'd love to Mo." Then they left.

"She's gorgeous," I said.

"Yeah, isn't she.That's the religious lady I told you about. The first time I met her I was standing up. She gave me a big hug and kissed me on the cheek. I wasn't sure if she was just being kind or if she really liked me."

"What religion is she?"

"Christian."

"Do you know what church she goes to?"

"I don't know. Are there a lot of Christian religions? I was brought up Protestant. I've been to a lot of different churches. I like the ones where they do lots of lively singing, like spirituals. That's my favorite.

"I have an appointment with Audrey, my probation officer. I hate her. I thought I had an appointment with her March 1. I went to her office and she wasn't there. The receptionist checked her book and said that I was supposed to have been there the day before. I said, 'I had an appointment for March 1st,' She said, 'This is March 2nd!' I had the dates mixed up. I said , “So, are you going to breach me because I missed an appointment?”

“A breach would mean thirty days in jail wouldn’t it?”

“If the judge is an asshole, he could make it sixty, but I’m not going to jail. I still have until November until my probation is finished. Audrey wants me to go to New Horizons for Anger Management Counselling (http://www.newhorizonscounselling.com/). I don't think I need anger management counselling.
…

The sun was shining, the weather was warm and most of the snow had melted from the sidewalk. There was a large group near ‘the benches’. Someone was waving at toothless Carl across the street, but he didn’t come over.
Brian came over to me and thanked me for the Subway card I had given to him and Irwin the previous day.
“I said lots of people have helped me in the past. You can do the same for me, or for someone else some time.”

“I was walking along the street this morning and I met an elder. We talked for a while. He reached into his pocket and handed be a one hundred dollar bill, so I bought beer and cigarettes for the guys. I can give you five dollars for yesterday.”

I assured him that it wasn’t necessary.

“Have a beer then.”

“If I came back to work smelling of beer, I’d lose my job, but we’ll go for a beer sometime when I don’t have to go to work."

Sparky said, “I saw my daughter and my grandson this morning! I have two daughters and seven grandchildren. They've been busy.”

Someone said to me, “With your white hair slicked back you look like either a polititian or a mafioso. Which is it?”

“Both!” I said.

Bert was lighting his carved stone pipe. He passed it to Sparky who took a hit then passed it to me. I thought of a dozen reasons why I shouldn’t take it. I could be arrested for possession of marijuana. I could lose my job if anyone smelled it on me, or if I acted in any way stoned. If things got out of hand I might not have a place to sleep, like most of the people here.
“Come on, Dennis, you can’t break the circle.” All eyes were on me. I’d already turned down a beer. Generally people who don’t drink aren’t trusted. I thought I’d lose all credibility if I was afraid to do what all of these people do on a daily basis, and are doing right now, so I took the pipe, inhaled and passed it back to Bert.

I was noticing Darrell’s hair. It was freshly washed, cascading over his shoulders like a L’oreal commercial. I could just imagine him shaking his head and his hair flowing in slow motion, because you’re worth it.

Hoover was telling me about the problems he was having with HIV. One benefit is that he gets free marijuana.

Scruffy was walking around the circle of people. Peter said, “Scruffy, make your mind up. Decide who you’re going to bite, and get it over with.”

6 March 2012

Irwin [#1852277]
Irwin at 'the heater'.

Irwin at 'the heater'.

Spring is gradually approaching, but after standing outside for an hour at ‘the benches’, my cheeks are so stiff I can barely talk.

Irwin and Brian were there. I asked Irwin, “How have things been going since I saw you yesterday?”

“Malvena and I had a rough night. We started off sleeping at the Desjardins Bank. We were rousted by the police. We moved on to the Canadian Imperial Bank. After a few hours we were rousted again. I said, ‘I know where we can go; to the Toronto Dominion Bank on Metcalfe and Laurier.’ We spent the rest of the night there. The manager woke us up when she came in. ‘Okay Irwin, time to move on,’ she said. ‘Okay, just give me a few minutes to wake up and clear my head. I’ll clean up my cigarette butts.”

“How does Malvena like sleeping in the bank?”

“She was a bit scared, but I told her, “You’ll be safe. I’ll get some shut eye, but my ears will be open. If anybody tries anything, I’ll give it to them, believe me.’ She also found it too hot. I’ll have to get my tweezers and turn down the thermostat again.”

Irwin introduced me to Brian.

“I’m just out of jail. I was coming across the bridge and I said, ‘hey, I know that guy, it’s Irwin. So we’ve been sharing a beer. I grew this beard in prison, but I’m going to shave it off. Irwin looks fine with a beard, but I look ugly. I look like a hobo.

“I was talking to my old boss. I can go back to work once I clean myself up. I do events. I installed the Christmas lights at Place Bell. I’m also a painter and a carpenter. That’s my trade.”

“When do you think you’ll be going back to work?”

“I think, maybe next week. I’ll have to ease off the booze. I got a friend who will help me out with a place to stay for a hundred dollars a week. He’s got a few places, but the crack heads he puts in his place on Bell Street. I’ll be staying on Cambridge near Bronson.

" I’m originally from Belfast, Ireland. My parents brought me over when I was nine months old. We lived near the old Montreal Forum. My dad coached hockey, all the teams I played on when I was a kid. He’d see some guy rough me up and he’d say, ‘Get back in there and fight him!’ That was before they curbed the violence in minor hockey. He was a good coach, but he never learned to skate. Whenever there would be a father and son skate I’d have to hold him up so he wouldn’t fall. He would be all wobbly. I sure miss him. Bless his soul.

“When I was a lad. I was born in 1956, you know. We had a 1969 Volkswagen, a bug, just like in the ‘Herbie’ movies. My mom and dad went out to the neighbors,one time, and I found the car keys. A friend and I decided we'd go for a ride. I was grinding gears. I didn’t know what I was doing. We went up a steep hill and the car stalled. My friend was pulling back on the emergency brake. I started the car revved the engine, but the car was in second gear. We rolled back down the hill into a bus, smashed the back bumper of the car. I drove it back to our driveway and didn’t say a thing. My parents didn’t notice the damage for a month or so. They blamed my brother Adam. He got a beating for it.

“I have a twin, you know. My sister, Jessica has breast cancer. She was even written up in the Globe and Mail newspaper. When she was first diagnosed they removed her breast. She was cancer free for seventeen years, then it came back. She doesn't talk to me, but I still love her.

"My brother, Adam had breast cancer when he was young. He had surgery and he's been fine ever since. They cut out his left chest muscle and even the muscles at the bottom of the arm (the triceps)

“My mom wants me to come back home. I’ve always sent her money when I had it, and she’s helped me out when she could.

5 March 2012

The sun is shining, the temperature is -14 degrees Celsius (7 degrees Fahrenheit), with a wind of 24 kph (15 mph). It feels cold. I have a scarf over my face to protect from the cold breeze. I see Irwin and Rhino standing at 'the benches'. Irwin looks at his watch, joking that I always arrive at the same time, 12:10 pm and leave at the same time, 12:50. He could set his watch by me.

"It's okay, I have an appointment. Am I late?" Irwin and Rhino laugh.

Two men Mike and Bruce came and shook hands with everyone. "Mike, you're looking great!" said Irwin. He was freshly shaved, He took off his cap to show his fresh haircut. He was wearing a red jacket.

"I've got a meeting to go to. When it comes time for 'panning' I'll put my panhandling clothes on." They left.

"I gave Mike that jacket," said Rhino, "I wish I had it now."

I asked if they had seen anybody else today.

"I saw Albert at the Salvation Army for breakfast this morning. We had bacon, eggs and home fries. I've been staying there for the past week, but I hate it. I'm staying tonight because I get my P.N.A. check tomorrow. If I stay there for a full week they give me a Personal Needs Allowance check for $28.00. I hate it there. Everyone is all cracked out. Things get stolen. Last night I just stepped out back to have a drink and a guy tried to stab me with a knife. It sliced the whole sleeve of my outside jacket and a three inch cut on my inside jacket (he showed me the cut on the outside of his sleeve). Luckily, it didn't reach my skin."

"How did the fight start?"

"I don't know. The guy was crazy in the head, but I took care of him, 'biff!','bam!', 'pow!'. That was the end of it.

"What place do you prefer, the Salvation Army, Shepherd's or the Mission?"

"I don't know about the Mission, since I've been barred. Shepherd's has the best food," said Rhino.

"I don't eat the food at the Shepherd's, they serve too many carrots. Sometimes I'll get a plate for Malvena and take it outside, since they only allow women at certain times. It is a men's shelter. I'd prefer to panhandle and buy my own food."

"When did they start calling you 'Rhino'?"

"I think It was Mo who first started calling me 'Rhino'. Before that they used to call me 'Farm Boy'. My name is actually Jonathan. I'm from Almonte. Those were the days when Rip, Tim and Hobo were still around. They were old guys. They're dead now.

"I'm waiting on an inheritance from my grandma. She passed away. When I get the money, I'm heading to British Columbia, Vernon, Salmon Arm area. I got a call from my old boss. He said my old job is waiting for me, driving a big grapple skidder for hauling logs out of the bush. The tires are this high (he reached abouve his head). If you look in Facebook I have some pictures posted of the equipment I've run.

skidder [#1855515]
photograph of skidder

Grapple Skidder

"It's great to be out in the bush. I'm by myself, the cab is heated and air conditioned, with a CD system. I get $29.00 an hour."

2 March 2012

Beside the sidewalk near the 'benches', I met Helen, sitting cross legged in the snow, her cap in front of her. She was wearing jeans and a brown coat. Her brown hair was relatively short. Her features were pleasant, like someone I may have passed in a grocery or department store. She didn't look like the stereotypical panhandler.

"Have you seen Sparky or the others?" I asked.

"They are usually around here, or across the street at 'the heater', but I haven't seen them today. Maybe they're under the Laurier Bridge. That's a place they sometimes meet."

"I'll try there. Yesterday, Irwin and I were rousted from 'the heater'. Perhaps Sparky is at 'his office' (panhandling at the corner of Bank Street and Laurier).

Before I left I gave Helen a Subway card, "This will buy you a sandwich. Do you smoke?"

"Yes." I offered her a cigarette.

"Thanks," she said. We both said good bye and I walked toward the Laurier Bridge. No luck there, so I headed toward Bank Street to find Sparky. He wasn't there, so I headed to 'The Friendly Corner' restaurant, well known for their chilli.

Rooting through a trash basket, across from 'The Friendly Corner' I met Colin. In contrast to Helen, if one were to stereotype a homeless person, Colin would fit the description. He wore a red and black, checked lumberman's jacket, khaki work pants, a black toque and a weeks growth of beard and looked generally dirty.

"Have you seen Sparky, or any of the others?" I asked.

"No," he said with some apprehension.

I gave him a Subway card. "This will buy you a sandwich, I said.

"Thanks."

"Would you like a cigarette?"

"No, I'm good."

We were about to shake hands, but he pulled his back. Perhaps, he remembered that it had just recently been in the trash.

We said good bye. I checked 'The Friendly Corner', but didn't see any familiar faces.

1 March 2012

Irwin [#1852277]
Irwin at 'the heater'.

Irwin at 'the heater'.

a lost brave
leans against a building
(tho he is unwelcome)
beside a busy walk.
everything he owns
fills a pack
upon his back

he is far
from his fishing boat,
an ocean teeming with fish,
from the majestic forest,
from his children,
his clan

his eyes reveal
a story of hurt and pain -
the uncertainty of the city.
a sidewalk for a bed,
charity of strangers
his only grace

a challenge
every day -
a new beginning.
beyond the fire
that tames his demons
the only plan that matters
is to survive

far from home
he can scarce remember.
a lost brave, fighting back tears,
pride in the knowledge
of his ancestry,
his place -
his blood

Wind was whipping the freezing ice crystals, like coarse sand, against my face as I walked to 'the heater'. Irwin was standing alone. "I've made my price already; the price I need to buy a bottle. I've got another in my backpack that Malvena gave me. I haven't even started that one. She said, 'Since you're giving me money, I'll buy you a bottle.' She even offered to carry my backpack, since my back is still sore from being thrown down the stairs. I said, 'Sure, you can carry my backpack, I'll carry your purse.' 'You can't carry my purse!' she said. 'Sure I can! It takes a real man to carry a purse.'

"It was the same when I was in hospital for detox. A nurse told me that if I'd wear a pink hat, she'd bring me a bottle. 'Sure,' I said, 'bring it on! It takes a real man to wear a pink hat.' I wore the hat and she brought me a bottle.

"Before that, I was hallucinating. It seemed that the ground ahead of me was crawling with thngs. I felt really dizzy. I phoned the pharmacy and told them how I was feeling. They asked if I was taking any drugs. I said, 'Not bad drugs, a little weed now and then.' 'Do you drink?' they asked. 'Yes, I drink.' 'What you've got then is delerium tremens, the DTs.' They said I should get to a hospital right away because it could be fatal.

"I didn't know what to do. I was homeless and didn't have any way to get to the hospital, so I phoned Alcoholics Anonymous. They said they would send someone to pick me up and stay with me in the hospital. I was unconscious for three days.

"The doctor said that my heart rate was 180. He asked if I was an athlete. I said I was. He told me that having a strong heart probably saved my life, because my heart rate was in the heart attack range.

"Malvena and I are still seeing each other, but I don't go to her house. I don't want to cause any trouble between her and her family. When I was there I'd do lots of things to help out. I'd sweep and mop the floor, carry out the garbage -- anything. I was feeling edgy, so I wanted things to do to keep me occupied. Before I have my first drink of the day I'm hard to get along with. Once I'm fixed, I'm okay.

"Malvena wants to have a baby, but I'm not ready for that yet. I still have to get my life in order. I could get a job. My former boss keeps leaving messages at the Shepherd's for me saying, 'Irwin, get your shit together and come back to work.' I was a 'swamper' ,or what he called, 'a professional furniture handler'. He would go in and do all the paper work and I would be in the truck stacking furniture. I was good at that, that's why he wants me back. I was paid $800.00 a week.

"We did some local moves, some to Toronto and the smaller cities in between. We'd go to Montreal. The farthest we went was a move to Sudbury.

"We'd have a lot of laughs kidding each other. He'd ask me , 'Irwin, do you want a beer.' I'd say, 'Of course!' I didn't do any of the driving. I don't have my license. When I drink, sometimes I get crazy. I might get behind the wheel of a car and kill myself or someone else.

"I was on the alcohol addiction program at the Shepherd's, but I messed that up. They would give me a small glass of wine every hour, but I had a bottle stashed outside. They could see that I was getting more and more drunk as the day went on, so they kicked me out.

"While I was there I mopped the floors, cleaned the tables, operated the dishwasher.One of the managers, a little guy, Albert, came in after I had just cleaned the counter. He made himself a sandwich and left a mess where I had just cleaned. I had a wet cloth in my hand from wiping tables. I wrung it out and handed it to him, 'You know how to use this, so use it! It's not my job to clean up after you.' I've always been hard headed that way.

"When I was on the shelter side I'd strip the sheets from the beds. Sometimes, a guy would have pissed the bed. I hated that -- the stink! I told them if I was going to do that job I wanted a free newspaper. They agreed to that. It was something. I'm not going to go back on a program. I'm going to do it by myself. I've cut back quite a bit.

"Lately I've been sleeping in the entrance of the Toronto Dominion Bank, where they have the banking machines. There's a bench that I can hide behind. The heater was too hot so I took a pair of tweezers and adjusted the temperature, now it's just right. Sometimes the cops will find me there and kick me out. In the morning the manager will tell me to wake up and get out. She's nice though. I tell her, 'Just give me a few minutes to wake up, then I'll be out of here.'

"I don't know why Emile isn't here. I haven't seen him for five days. He's usually the first to come by. Maybe he got a parole violation. That could mean thirty days, of course he'd only have to serve twenty of that. This is a 'red zone' for me. According to my probation I'm not allowed to get drunk or to associate with alcoholics."

A security guard, wearing a yellow neon vest approached Irwin and me. "It's time to move along. We used to let people stand around here, but there was too much mess, cigarette butts, cigarette packages, bottles. So, you've got one minute to finish your smoke then I'm coming back. If you're still here I'm phoning the police."

To me Irwin said, "I should have told him that this building is on Algonquin land. I'm part Algonquin, but I don't know what to do. Maybe, I'll contact the Algonquin Chief. He may be able to tell me what can be done."

It's the first time I've been rousted, but now I know how it feels.

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4. February, 2012: Conversations With Friends	ID #747573
Posted: 2-21-2012 @ 7:06 pm EST Edited: 4-15-2012 @ 6:25 pm EDT

29 February 2012

Little Frank and Sparky were at the benches. Frank was standing, Sparky was sitting on the ground.

"Is nobody across the street at 'the heater,' I asked.

"Cops chased us away, four times. Security has been phoning them whenever they see us."

"Frank, how did you break your nose? Were you in a fight? I forgot to ask you yesterday."

"No, I did a face first."

"It was slippery on the sidewalks yesterday."

"No, I was in a buddy's apartment. I was too drunk to stand. Didn't even put my hands out to stop my fall. I hit the floor face first.

"Today I'm, drinking 'Frankenators'. It's my own recipe. I mix half wine and half beer."

Sparky was having difficulty stuffing his bottle into his jacket pocket. He kept missing it.

Frank said, "I'm going to Scott's place."

"Can I come too?" asked Sparky."

"It's not my place. It's just a small room. I can't just bring somebody with me."

"Can you phone him?"

"Scott doesn't have a phone."

"I'll go to Custard's then. How do I get there? Do I take the number 12 bus?"

"No, take the 14. I'm not going there because I'd end up broke. You can catch the 14 at the end of the sidewalk."

"Can you help me to get up?"

It took both Frank and me to get Sparky into a standing position, and it took us two tries. Sparky held on to my arm for balance.

"Will you help me get on the bus?"

"Sure I''ll help you Sparky, I'm going that way back to work."

I guided him to the glass enclosed bus shelter. There was a small woman inside, waiting for a bus. I helped Sparky to sit down.

"Hi!" said Sparky to the woman. "I'm Sparky! What's your name?"

"My name is Daff, short for Daffodil."

"What country do you come from?"

"The Philipines."

"I knew a Philipino lady one time. She was nice. She looked after me in the hospital."

"What hospital was that, Sparky?" I asked.

"St. Jo's, in Toronto, 1987."

"Why were you in hospital?"

"Gun shot."

"Where, on your body, were you shot?"

"Right leg. The bullet went through my femur. It was at a party. It was a bro' that shot me."

"How did it happen?"

"Before I went to the party I asked my sister for my '9 mil.' It's a Luger. At first, she wasn't going to give it to me, but I knew there was going to be trouble, so I needed protection. I put the gun in my front pants pocket.

"At the party, my friend tried to pull the gun out of my pocket. It had a hair-trigger and it went off."

"Why did your friend try to pull the gun out of your pocket?"

"Because! He wanted to shoot the guy!

"Do you know what Custard's buzz number is?"

"Frank said it was 0211."

"Can you write that down for me?"

"Is Custard a friend of yours?"

"You know Custard!"

"I don't recognize the name."

"You know Scruff!"

"I know a dog named Scruffy."

"That's Custard's dog!"

"You mean Peter?"

"Ever since I've known him, for twenty years or so, I've called him Custard."

"Why?"

"Because he looks like a Custard!"

I helped Sparky to climb on the bus and told the bus driver where he wanted to get off.

"I know where he wants to go. Come on Sparky, get on the bus."

28 February 2012

The temperature this morning was -16 degrees Celsius (4 degrees Fahrenheit). Because I have asthma I keep my nose and mouth covered with a wool scarf to protect my lungs; otherwise I may have a coughing fit and lose my voice.

Grant and Steve, distributors of the free Metro newspaper, greeted me with, “Good morning, Dale. It is Dale isn’t it? (They always call me Dale, I haven’t bothered to correct them.) Dale, Make sure I get a percentage of any banks you rob today!”

…

Little Frank, Elaine, Rhino, Hoover and Peter (without Scruffy) were at ‘the heater’. I’ve met everyone before, with the exception of Scott, in varying degrees of drunkenness.

Peter was using his leather mitten as a hand puppet, “‘Eddie, keesa me goo’night!’ Who knows who that is?"

“Topo Gigio!” I shouted. I recognized it as the puppet mouse that appeared on the Ed Sullivan Show in the 1960’s. Nobody else recognized the character. They were all too young.

Peter came over to me and said, “I knew you would get that. Do you know how old I am. I’m fifty-five.”

“How old do you think I am?” I asked.

“Fifty-five?”

“No, I’m sixty-five!”

“I would have guessed that. I was just being nice. So, you’re a friend of Irwins? Is that right?”

“I know Irwin, Rhino, Little Frank and Hoover. I just met Elaine and Scott today.”

"I don’t usually trust people that don’t drink. You’re not with the F.B.I are you?”

“I’ve known Mo for the last year and a half. I usually sit with her on Metcalfe Street, for about twenty minutes, every morning that she’s there. Just ask her about Dennis. She’ll tell you I’m solid.”

“If you know Mo, I know you’re okay. Do you know where Mo stayed after she was beaten up?’

“No.”

“She stayed at my place, and I wouldn’t let Frank in.”

“You mean Big Frank?”

“Super Big Frank!” Peter extended his arm indicating a height of about six feet, four inches.

“Elaine stays with me now."

"I'm not his girlfriend or anything like that, just a boarder. I pay him $200. a month rent."

"Elaine has saved me a few times. I was passed out on the sidewalk on Rideau Street. I was with Scruffy. None of the cops wanted a dog in their car. They asked one guy, ‘No!’ They asked another guy, ‘No, leave it for a rookie.'

“They took me right up to the door of my apartment and rung the doorbell. Elaine answered the door.

“‘Hi Elaine!’ the cops say.

“‘Hi, guys!’ says Elaine. They asked her, “Are you willing to take responsibility for this man?

“'Sure!' she says, ‘he’s my landlord.'”

"I'm going to make a pharmacy run," said Hoover. "Anybody want anything?"

"l'll go with you!" said Peter.

"How much do you need?"

"About $10.00 worth."

""I've got three purples and a yellow for $20.00."

To me Peter said, "The reason I asked if you were F.B.I. is because I do a bit of narcotics. I also have my beer."

“The only reason I come down here is to visit with my friends. I didn’t drink for twenty-eight days in January. If any of these guys came over I wouldn’t let them drink, because if I see an open beer, I’m a gonner. I'm German, so I like my beer.

”Hey guys! Is somebody going to help me get on the bus? I'm too drunk to try to get on by the back door, and I can't risk getting a fine. I've got $3.00, can someone give me a quarter for bus fare?"

"Here, Peter," said Elaine "you can have my quarter. I got it from Frank and was going to put it towards buying a cigarette, but you can have it."

"Talking about television programs," said Hoover. "When we were kids my father let us stay up late on Saturday night, because the hockey game was on. We'd all be asleep by the end of the second period, then Mom would have to make sure we got upstairs to bed."

"Hey guys!" said Scott. "I gotta leave for a while to take a dump. Already I'm squeezing my butt cheeks."

"Don't fart!" warned Elaine.

"I'm afraid to!"

Twenty minutes later he returned and said, "You wouldn't believe the new toilets they have at the Lord Elgin. You flush up for liquid waste and down for solid waste. I've never seen that before. This new technology is getting crazy when you have to figure out how to flush a toilet."

Every one was planning to meet tomorrow when the disability checks come in.

“I owe Bert forty dollars," said Scott, "twenty of that is from last month, when I got back from Dryden."

27 February 2012

Ian [#1851211]
Ian at 'the heater'.
Ian at 'the heater'

On Sunday, while sitting on my couch, I meditated on how I can be more effective in helping homeless people. I wouldn't say I had a revelation, I can be a bit slow sometimes, but ideas came to mind. This is after one and a half years of helping homeless people.

I am reluctant to give cash to people who I know to be alcoholics. Homeless people often spend their last cent on beer or wine. They take a collection amongst themselves then someone will for a ‘liquor run’. Being temporarily short of cash isn’t a problem, they still share what they have.

I have often bought breakfast, or lunch for people I know on the street. Each person has their particular preferences. For me, the nearness to a restaurant has proved to be a problem, especially if I am rushed for time.

This morning I bought a pocket full of gift cards from Subway, enough credit on each card to buy a sandwich and a coffee.

My second idea was bus tickets. I got this idea from Mo, when she asked if I could give her bus tickets instead of breakfast. I now carry extra sheets of bus tickets so that, if needed, I may offer a person bus fare to get home and back the next day.

I met Chris sitting on the sidewalk. I introduced myself and asked if he minded if I sat down and joined him for a while. His attitude wasn’t overly enthusiastic about sharing my company.

“Don’t worry, “ I said, “I won’t spoil your business, in fact I’m considered lucky. I know a lot of people on the street: Mo, who usually has a spot on the next block.”

“I know Mo.”

“Greg, who is usually across the street, some of the people who meet at ‘the heater’: Sparky, Albert, Bert, ‘Lonely Heart’, Irwin…….”

“Yeah, I know those people.”

“I’m surprised that anyone would be out in such cold weather.”

“It’s Monday. I’m broke”

I gave him the Subway gift card.

“Subway, that’s good. Thanks!”

“I’ll leave you to it then. Good bye.”

…

Serge, who I’ve met before, and Ian Lambert were at ‘the heater’. A larger group had been there earlier, but they left either to ‘pan’ to the lunch hour crowd, or because it had started snowing.

Ian is First Nation, Shuswap, from the interior of British Columbia near the Alberta border. He’s been here for the past seven years. He isn’t homeless, he has enough money for an apartment. The rent he pays is $700.00 per month (I don’t know if he shares with anyone). After he pays his rent he has nothing left, so he panhandles and eats his meals at the Mission or at Centre 507. He’s alcoholic, but trying to cut back. At one time he drank four bottles of sherry per day. At noon he was sober.

Serge had an apartment in Vanier, a low cost section of the city. He was on Welfare, but when they raised his rent, his benefits weren’t enough to cover the increased cost. He was asked to leave. He moved to Montreal for a while, found that just as expensive, so he moved back here. Now, he eats and sleeps at the Mission.

Serge asked Ian, “Why would you leave British Columbia to come here? It’s beautiful out there and much warmer.”

“I left and now I can’t afford to go back.”

“I took the plane out there. It only cost $200.00, mind you, that was ten years ago.”

“Now it costs about $800.00.”

I asked Ian if he would allow me to let me take his photograph, "As long as I don't have to smile and say cheese." I told him I would give him a print. He said, "If I don't see you, you could always leave it at the Mission for me. They know me there."

24 February 2012

Mo wasn't in her usual spot today. Yesterday, she said she'd be here, but it's not as if she has to punch a clock. She's a free spirit. When I don't see her I wonder, did she get in a fight? Is she sick? Is she in hospital? Is she in jail?

At noon, the snow was falling and the wind was brisk. At ‘the heater’ I met Rhino, Ambrose and Maryam. Rhino is big, blond, has a missing front tooth and, there is no other way of describing him, he looks like a rhinoceros. When Ambrose greeted me he offered me a piece of cardboard to sit on. I was reluctant, but he said, "You are our guest. We are pleased that you would sit and talk with us. We do this to honor you." I thanked him and graciously accepted. Ambrose offered me a drink, a cigarette, and when I told him I neither drank nor smoked he offered me water. He also said he would go to the store and buy me an Orange Crush or something.

"I appreciate and thank you for your kind offer, but I've just finished a coffee."

Ambrose is forty years of age, has long black hair, several missing front teeth. He is of the Innu First Nation, from Nain in the province of Newfoundland and Labrador. Maryam, also Innu, is twenty years of age, pretty with black hair from Sept-Iles, Quebec, She speaks Montagnais (Innu) and Ambrose is teaching her English. They are both alcoholic and very much in love. They couldn't stop kissing each other.

"She keeps kissing me on the nose. I don't know why she does that.

"We take care of each other. We love each other, We are very happy, We have everything we need.

"Maryam is feeling bad because her grandfather died last week. Maryam was his favorite. He would always buy her things. He was a good man. It hurts me here." Ambrose put his fist against his heart.

Ambrose was just released from jail where he served a ten day sentence. Rhino, Maryam and Ambrose are all barred from the Mission for fighting with staff. The two men are barred for six months, Maryam for one month. She went back the next day and apologised, "I'm sorry. I didn't know what I was doing. I was too drunk."

Ambrose is proud of the fact that he and Maryam make enough money by panhandling that they don’t need to go to any of the shelters for food. They buy their own from Subway or KFC (Kentucky Fried Chicken). He is also a soapstone carver, although he hasn’t been carving lately.

"You used to drink, didn't you? I nodded, "My family were alcoholics."

"We are your family now. You used to sit where I'm sitting, didn't you?" again I nodded.

"I can see the pain in your eyes. Your eyes tell me much about you."

"If you're looking for a place to sleep," I said, "Sparky told me of a place behind the Lord Elgin."

"I know Sparky's places. Right now he's at his office -- that's what he calls it. Do you know where his office is? It's at the corner of Laurier and Bank. It's where he panhandles."

"Is Darrell with him? Darrell says that Sparky gives him good luck. He pans at the opposite corner and they joke with each other." Ambrose laughed.

"I don't like the 'leeches'. The people who only come around to ask for a drink or a cigarette; the ones who only take, but don't give back. They never help others. I always help my family, and we are all family here. If someone were in need, I would give them my hat, my shirt, anything I have."

23 February 2012

On my way to the library, to drop off a book, I met Greg, who I haven’t seen in a long while. He isn’t an early riser, so his schedule and mine aren’t often compatible. He was sitting, with his back to an office building, wearing his familiar red bandana wrapped around his head. He stutters and talks as little as possible.

“There’s a Chinese restaurant in the next block. Would you get me some Chinese food? It’s better for me than pizza. That has too much cholesterol. Would you get me some guy ding with rice, and maybe some chicken balls. I’ll have a Coke with that too. It’s better than eating at McDonalds.”

I had good intentions, but the restaurant was in the food court of the World Exchange Plaza. It was noon hour and the line up was forty-five minutes long, so I headed for ‘the heater’.

Sitting against the wall were Irwin and Little Frank (not to be confused with Big Frank, who is in jail).

Irwin greeted me and said "The police were by earlier and rousted everyone. The cruiser pulled right up on the sidewalk. They come by at least once a day.

"I talked to the security lady earlier, she said, 'Either you move in twenty minutes, or I phone the police.' I said, 'We're not doing any harm. Why can't you just let us be? If You'll give me a broom I'll even sweep up the cigarette butts.' I guess she phoned the police."

"By rights, they can't ask us to leave here," said Frank. "This building is built on Algonquin land, and I'm Algonquin. There's not even a No Trespassing sign."

Irwin showed me the smart phone that Malvena, his girlfriend, had given him.

“It’s about a three hundred dollar phone. It has everything on it. I love watching the porn channels. Right now I’m listening to “Bob.FM”. ‘Raise A Little Hell’ by Trooper was playing, followed by ‘I’m Just a Gigolo’ by David Lee Roth.

“My girlfriend and I had a fight today. We’re both bi-polar and schizophrenic. I told her, “Enough of this, I’m going out.'”

Both Irwin and Frank were looking for smokers.

“Mister, can I buy a cigarette from you.”

Irwin saw a squirrel and excitedly dug in his backpack for a bag of roasted almonds. By the time he found them, the squirrel had disappeared.

Frank and I talked about the near fight between Mo and Dale yesterday. Frank said, “Sparky was able to keep Dale calm. Mo was pretty drunk, so was everybody.”

I mentioned that Mo is scheduled to go for an anger management course.

“I started one of those once,” said Irwin, “but I only lasted three weeks. I was being held at the Youth Detention Center in Vancouver. I nearly killed a guy. I have a red belt in jiu jitsu and my hands are considered lethal weapons. I broke his nose with the palm of my hand. If it had gone into his brain he would have died.

I'm not dumb, you know, that's not why I didn't finish the course. My time ran out. I have an I.Q. of 107.”

I asked him what started the fight. He said, “The guy was being an asshole.”

Frank said, “I’d never be able to go on one of those courses. I can’t stand being in an enclosed space for too long. Even when I was in the hospital with pneumonia, I pulled out the intravenous tubes and tried to get out of there. They strapped me to the bed after that.

Irwin excitedly said,"Hey! I can get a DVD for you. It's of Sparky and me when we were living in 'Tent City', part of 'Occupy Ottawa'. A camera crew came by and someone asked me, 'How much do you make panhandling each day?' I told him, 'from fifteen to thirty dollars.' Then he said, 'I'll give you thirty dollars if you'll let us videotape you doing what you normally do. I had to borrow some pennies from Sparky to have some jingle in my cap. You can't have too much, $5.00 at the most. He stood guard and I went to the corner and panned for a while. The guy gave us an eight minute DVD. A friend is having it copied for me now.

"I'm feeling a bit tired. There's an alcove behind the Lord Elgin Hotel that Sparky showed me. It's carpeted, near an exhaust vent and there's even an electrical outlet so I can listen to my music without running down my batteries. It's a cubby hole just big enough for two people.

"Later I'll go to Mom and Pop's restaurant, the Friendly Corner, and have some chili."

22 February 2012

I told Mo about meeting "Scruffy" and Peter at 'the wall' the other day. She told me of her own experiences.

"I don't know why he keeps that damned dog. Peter and Scruffy and me were in the park, across the way, near the overpass. Peter had a container of chilli from Wendy's. We shared it and I fed some, with my fingers, to Scruffy. When we were nearly finished I tore down the sides of the container so Scruffy could lick the bottom. When I got up he bit me in the achilles tendon. I punched him and he bit all the harder. I've been bitten by other dogs and it just left a bruise from their teeth, but Scruffy is the only dog that punctured my skin and caused me to bleed. I nearly had to crawl home after that. Whenever Scruffy is around he tries to bite me.

"Sam has found Giovanni a place to stay. After Giovanni was beaten, Sam bought him some clothes and arranged a room in an apartment for him to stay. I looked after his cart when he was taken to hospital. Giovanni normally hates enclosed spaces, but since the beating he's happy to be locked inside where he is safe. He goes out occasionally, but not for long.

"I haven't been to 'the wall' very much lately. I'm trying to manage my drinking on my own. I drink when I want to; not when it's pushed in my face. I drank on Friday, but I haven't had anything else until this morning. Right now, 'I'm half in the bag.'

"Audrey, my parole officer wants to get me into a home for women suffering from alcoholism, but first she wants me to attend an anger management course. I really don't want to do that. It means three hours a day for six weeks. That really cuts into the time I have for myself. What are they going to do if I don't take the course? Add to my parole? I've already got one parole violation because they didn't tell her I was in hospital.

"I'm not an angry person! Look at me! I'm smiling. The only reason I was charged with assault was because Frank was beating me."

...

The feeling was jovial at 'the heater' this noon hour. Everyone had been drinking a lot: Hoover, Sparky, Pudlo, Peru, Emile, James, 'Long Haired' Dale and Mo. Dale was talking about his favorite bands from the seventies: "Remember 'Foot in Cold Water', from Ottawa; 'Helix' from Kitchener. I saw 'The Rolling Stones' at the 'El Mocambo' in Toronto. Those are my favorites and I don't care what anybody else thinks."

Mo shouted, "Nobody cares what you think, Dale. You're talking to yourself, so why don't you just shut up!" To me she said, "Dale is a friend of my ex, Frank. He sends him stuff in prison. I don't like him. He's served twenty-five years in Kingston Penitentiary for murder."

I asked Emile how he was feeling.

Mo said, "You've lost a lot of weight."

"I lost nearly twenty-five pounds while I was on intravenous. They also had brandy pumping into me. When I first woke up, I didn't know where I was. I pulled out all the tubes and ran outside in my hospital gown. It was freezing out there. After that they had me strapped down. They drained two quarts of tar colored mucus from my lungs. Now, I eat everything I see."

Dale started recounting television programs from the seventies, "Does anybody remember 'Barney Miller', 'The Partridge Family', 'Car 54, Where Are You?' 'Welcome Back Kotter?"

"Go sweat hogs!" shouted Sparky. "Epstein with the big hair, Horshak. The only one to go anywhere from that was the dumb guy, Vinnie Barbarino -- John Travolta."

A tiny stuffed turtle and a hare were attached to Sparky's backpack. "Does anybody know who would win a race between a turtle and a hare?............It would be the turtle!"

Dale started singing, 'One Bourbon, One Scotch, One Beer' by george Thorogood. Everyone joined in. They were on key, but each sang a different verse:

Well, I ain't seen my baby
since I dont know when

No, I ain't seen my baby since
nigh on a week.

No, I ain't seen my baby since
the night before last

All this at the same time. They managed to get together when they came to the part:

Gonna get drunk man
till I can't even speak
Gonna get high man
listen to me
One drink ain't enough
Jack you better make it three
I wanna get drunk
I'm gonna make it real clear
I want one bourbon,
one scotch and one beer

Albert was on his cell phone, "Mo, it's Earl, he wants to talk to you."

"Hi, Sweetie, want to come over and have some cheap sex?..........I said, do you want to come over and have some cheap sex? Love you.

"Does anybody know why Dale is even here?" questioned Mo. I think he should get his ass out of here. He's a piece of slime that I scraped off my boot."

"If you scraped me off your boot that means I'm still here."

"I've got a couple of finger nails that I'd love to dig into your skin. If you don't get out of here I'm going to go over and punch your face in, and I don't punch like a girl." Mo got up from the backpack she was sitting on and confronted Dale.

"I'm cool, just keep away from me!" Dale remained half seated, half ready to run or fight.

"You can't hit her, Dale, she's one of the crew." cautioned Sparky as he held Dale.

"Just keep away from me! KEEP AWAY FROM ME! KEEP AWAY FROM ME!"

Mo eventually sat down.

21 February 2012

There are always surprises at 'the wall'. Today I met a famous Inuit soapstone carver, named Pudlo, from Cape Dorset. She said she hasn't carved for about ten years. She is charming, beautiful, talented and homeless.

Irwin and his girlfriend Malvena slept on the street Friday night, but she has recently returned to her parent's home. Irwin said that he loved her, but he didn't want her to share his lifestyle. This morning he was awakened with a kick to the foot by the police. He had been sleeping near an exhaust vent in front of the Toronto Dominion Bank. "It was really warm there, man."
Irwin offered me a sandwich. He had two bags of them, he said that 'the sandwich lady' had been by. "We always share. We always take care of each other."

John, also offered me a sandwich. He had a cart of groceries. He asked me to guess his age. I'm not good at guessing ages, but said, "I'd guess about fifty-five." I thought I was being generous.

"I was hoping you'd say forty, actually I'm forty-five."

Peter, 'Lonely Heart' wasn't at the wall today, but he was going over to Jannie's house to cook supper. I asked about his lung cancer.

"Well, he doesn't go for his treatments, so it couldn't be doing too well. I had cancer at age thirty, but I went for my treatments and am okay now."

Irwin asked me, "Why do you come to 'the wall' every day?"

"The conversations here are much more interesting than at the place where I work. Also, the people are nicer.'

"There is always something going on here. I want to go back to work, to furniture moving. I enjoyed that. When I lived in Vancouver we were moving a man from Hong Kong. His house was enormous, with ten foot wide hallways. He said, 'Don't scratch anything.' We replied, 'With hallways this wide there is no chance of that.'

"At lunch time he ordered a huge meal for us, roast pork, roast duck, shrimp, fried rice. I liked the pork the best of all. When we were finished loading the truck he gave us each an envelope with ten, hundred dollar bills in it. Imagine that!

"I'd like to go back to that job, but I'll have to get sober first."

"You're doing well. You've cut back a lot."

"Yes, but I still have a way to go."

As I was walking away I heard a woman say, "You look nice. You look so clean."

20 February 2012

when you have passed
I sit alone -
and pray for you this day
that kindness would be shown
to you - the way that is the way -
that you might fill
your hollowed heart -
with more than pride and blame
would that you come
some other day -
and speak to me
by name

by Tornado Day

20 February 2012

How Dare You!

Am I not worthy
to be treated
as a human being,
more like yourself
than you would care
to admit?

Am I invisible,
will you not look
me in the eyes?
Must you look away
pretending
I don't exist?

Am I not worthy
of common courtesy?
What is it that you despise
about me sitting here
humbly, silently
on the sidewalk?

How dare you judge me!
You don't know my life!
I've done you no offense!
You treat me as detestable slime,
that you you would scrape
from your boot.

17 February 2012

This morning, when I brought Mo her tea and bagel, she said to me, “I was trying to get your attention before you went into the restaurant. Instead of breakfast I was going to ask you to buy me some bus tickets. I got a $150.00 fine this morning for climbing on the bus, by the back door, without paying.”

“What are you going to do about the fine?”

“I don’t know. I can’t pay it. I still owe money to Bert., and he’s mouthing off about it. I won’t be able to pay him until my next check comes in. Carl owes me money for the rent. He’s staying with his new girlfriend, so I have the house to myself; well, with the dog, the snake and two lizards.

“I’ve got a sore back because Carl’s dog has been jumping up on me. He’s a pitbull. Maybe he’s missing his master. He’s been acting funny lately. I think it’s near time to have him put down. I’ll have to do it. Carl wouldn’t be able to.

“He has trouble going up and down the stairs. He’s no good around kids. He’s not even a good guard dog. It used to be that he’d bark when someone came to the door, now he just lays there.

“Daisy, one of the lizards, has been going crazy lately. I thought they were supposed to hibernate, or something, but not her. I threw her a handful of crickets and she was scurrying all over the place. She tries to get out too. That’s all I’d need.

“I saw Rhino and ‘Lonely Heart’ this morning.”

“I saw them yesterday along with Irwin, Albert, Emile, and Cathy, who was even nice to me. She shook my hand.”

“I had a talk with her. I said, ‘What’s this I hear about you not being nice to my friend. He's solid. I know he’s a bit too square for your taste, and you don’t know much about him, but there are lots of people that go there that you don’t know.'

“I’ve had run ins with her before. I’d hate to hit her. She’s so small it would be like hitting a child.

“My Carl doesn’t have much in the way of street smarts. His friends, his poker buddies, all have real jobs. I have a real job. I sit on the sidewalk and greet people. I’m a greeter. I could work at Walmart.”

....

There were about a dozen people, and a dog named “Scruffy” (perhaps, a golden retriever, poodle mix; a goldendoodle), at the wall today. I was talking to Peter, or ‘Lonely Heart’. “Do you know why they call me that? Because I have a hernia that sticks out. Women don’t like the sight of it, so I don’t have many girlfriends. I was scheduled to have it operated on last Wednesday. I was at the hospital, had my gown on, had been off drugs and alcohol for two days (the required period), had even talked to the anesthesiologist. A nurse came running down the hall and told the doctor that my health coverage had run out. I’d forgotten to renew it. I thought it was good until my birthday in 2015, but it expired in 2012. The operation was cancelled and I’ll have to wait another year to have it rescheduled. I also have lung cancer.

He yelled at someone in uniform passing by, “I used to wear that uniform, but they retired me.” To me he said, “That’s the truth. The government laid a bunch of us off due to cut backs. I was 42 at the time. Then the next year they hired three hundred others.

"I hate it when people disrespect us just for being here. They don't know a thing about us. We don’t pan here, or across the way at the benches. We’re in an alcove, not in anybody’s way. A cop threatened to give me a ticket for loitering. I said, ‘Go ahead, but I’m not going to pay it. I’m on a disability. pension for drug and alcohol addiction. I don’t own a house or a car, and in Ontario I won’t serve jail time for unpaid tickets, so give me all the tickets you want."

Alcoholics and drug addicts are covered under the Ontario Disability Support Program. For more information:
http://www.employmentlawmonitor.ca/tag/ontario-disability-support-program/

Irwin and his girlfriend Malvena had been staying with her parents, but last night they were asked to pack their bags and leave. Irwin is 35 years old, and an alcoholic, Malvena is 26. Her birthday is March 4, but she said I don’t need to buy her a present. Malvena doesn’t like shelters, so they will be sleeping on the street tonight.

16 February 2012

The weather today was 3 degrees Centigrade (37.4 degrees Fahrenheit). There was a crowd of people around one of the park benches. Most of the faces I recognized, a few were new to me. N. is a woman I hadn't met before. P., another new face, just got out of jail.

Emile was wearing a pair of jeans that, originally, had PORTUGAL printed in large letters on the right leg. Due to his height he had to have them chopped off at PORTUG.

I asked Emile about his pneumonia.

"I still have pain, and this lump in my chest is permanent. When they were removing the tube draining my lung, some air got in. It's created a bubble between my lung and my chest wall. Sometimes, it sticks out and I have to push it back in. That hurts."

"Can you get that fixed at the hospital?"

"Oh yeah, they could fix it. There was a whole list of things they wanted to fix, but I said, 'Hey, I just came back to life. Let's take things easy, one thing at a time.' I've got severe hemorrhoids from when I worked as a roofer. They want to operate on them. They want me to have a colostomy. Me, I hate hospitals.

"When I was a kid riding my bicycle, the guy in front of me stopped quickly and I piled into him. I fell, face first, into his pedal. The bolt caught me right between the eyes. My forehead was torn wide open. When I was riding to my grandmother's, a flap of skin kept falling over my eye. I had to keep pushing it back into place and there was blood everywhere. When my grandmother saw it she said, 'You're going to have to go to the hospital and get stitches.' I didn't want to hear that, so I rode home. My mom took a look at it, cleaned it, put the flap back in place, bandaged it and said, 'There, now don't touch it.' When it healed it pulled my hairline down a bit on one side."

Irwin said, ”Malvena and I were at church the other day, the big cathedral down the street. We were saying prayers for her family. I lit two candles and put $5.00 in the collection box. The police arrived and accused me of shooting up in the bathroom. I'm an alcoholic, I don't do drugs. When they took me outside I asked, 'Why are you doing this?' Then the two cops threw me down the flight of steps. There was no need for that. I was drunk, but I wasn’t causing any problems. I’d press charges against them if I had any witnesses.”

“They make sure there are no witnesses. Then they do whatever they want.”

Cathy said, “I heard that you also got tackled last night. Some cop came flying through the air and hit you from behind.”

“I don’t remember that. I was drunk.”

Cathy had slammed her finger in a steel door and most of the skin was torn off. Her finger was bandaged. She showed it to P. and asked, "Should I get stitches?"

"No, they would just do what you've already done. Put lots of Ozonol on it and keep it clean. I've had the same thing and that's what they did for me."

Emile said, "Once I got my arm caught in a revolving door. They don't go backward, so I just had to keep pushing forward. The more I pushed the more skin was rubbed off my forearm. It was a mess."

Cathy looked in her cigarette package and said, "Hey, there is a pill in here!. I bought half a dozen smokes from an guy and he gave me his package."

Emile looked in the box and said, "Looks like Valium."

"Is it yellow?" asked Peter "If it's yellow it's 5 mg. I used to take those for hangovers. You'll get a slight buzz from that, or, more likely, you'll just feel mellow. It wont hurt you."

"Irwin, do you have any kids?"

"Yes two boys aged 12 and 14. They're in Vancouver."

"Do you talk or write to them?"

"I send them emails. I won't talk to their mother."

"I'm going to panhandle until I get enough money for a pack of smokes," said Cathy, "then I'm going to Mom and Pop's."

It was time for me to go. I shook hands with Rhino, Emile, Peter and Irwin, gave a wave to Albert, who was some distance away. Cathy came over and extended her bandaged hand. I took it (gently) and shook it. I had thought of her as a hard person, and she has described herself as a 'wildcat' if anyone were to cross her, but in her gray eyes I saw vulnerability and pain, something I have seen in many of these people. Previously, Cathy had said she didn't like me, so this was her way of welcoming me to the 'family'.

14 February 2012

Irwin was asleep, sitting on his backpack, his back against the wall. Rhino and Emile were sitting cross legged. A woman was asleep and snoring on Emile's’s lap.

“Is that Mina?” I asked.

“I don’t know. She told me her name last night, but I’ve forgotten now. There are so many of them.”

“I know, it’s hard to keep track.”

Rhino was holding a box of donut holes. He offered me some.

“Emile, you’re looking a lot better today. Your face has more color.”

“I had a joint last night and couldn’t stop eating: ham, cheese, chips some President’s Choice barbecue popcorn. That burned my mouth. Before that I couldn't eat at all.

"I’m keeping my drinking under control. The heart attack was a real wake up call for me. Now, I only drink in moderation. I just brought three beers with me today.

"I still have the pneumonia. A lot of people where I’m staying have it. It feels like a lump in my chest. It makes it uncomfortable to sleep. There are only two positions that I find comfortable for sleeping.

"They got me doing exercises like squeezing my hands together. I guess it’s to get the blood flowing. Five years on the streets, I’ve nearly worn the skin off the palms of my hands. Sidewalks are like sandpaper. I have to get a bike. The only exercise I get is walking down here.

“Happy Valentine’s day, ladies. I said, HAPPY VALENTINE”S DAY! I SAID, I said, HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY! She heard me the third time.” He flashed his toothless smile.

Rhino said, “Keep it down, Emile You really got a booming voice. We don’t want to attract too much attention."

“I got that voice working for the carny. I did that for a couple of years. Setup and takedown meant we worked straight through the night. The hardest ride to set up was the eleven point ferris wheel. There is a nine point and an eleven point, that’s the really big one. Six hours for setup, four for takedown. All those pieces are held together with cotter pins.

"I also set up rides for Kiddy Town. I’d lay the track for the train. I was good at that. It had to abe perfectly level. If one of those cars tipped over, with a kid strapped inside, It could break his back, or his neck.

"I worked the Round Up, Tilt-A-Whirl, Roller Coaster, Tomb Raider, Cobra and that one that looks like two school busses going around. I can’t remember the name. The Zipper was really bad. To stop a swinging car, with two heavy guys in it, takes a lot of strength. Because I’m short, the gate kept hitting me in the leg. By the end of the night, I was black and blue from the waist down. I told them I couldn’t work that one any more.

"They divided the company in two units. Red was for the small rides, blue was for the big ones. I went with blue. Then they stopped my midday meal, they messed with my pay, so I told them where to shove their job. That was four years ago. I had to hitchhike two hundred and eighty miles to get back home.

“Happy Valentine’s day, ladies. I said, HAPPY VALENTINE”S DAY! I SAID, I said, HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY! ”

13 February

Noon had been quiet at the wall. Sparky, Emile, Albert and Cathy were there, then Darrell arrived, "I've been doing the lines for two hours and haven't made anything. Not a nickel.

Sparky will you give me a drink. I promise I'll pay you back later. It's noon hour, we should both be working. Come on, Sparky, you're good luck for me we'll go down to Bank Street, you take one corner and I'll take one opposite.

"No, I'm going to start working at 3:30, then I'm going to a restaurant, then to mom's (J. his street mom).

I said, "She's really sweet. She visited Emile in hospital and told us all how he was doing."

Darrell said, "I have to go for my orientation at that handy man place, but I never manage to get there. There are lots of jobs, but you've got to be sober."

Emile replied. "I have something ahead of time that helps me make it through the shift. A little under the counter helps too."

Darrell said, "I had a good job through Advance Employment Services. It was at a warehouse, paid $11.00 an hour. That's pretty good. I was okay until my first pay check. I didn't make it back the next week at all. So much for that job."

"Cathy can I use your phone?"

"Use my phone? Are you joking? When have you ever seen me with a phone? Someone lent me a phone once. I was on the bus and this phone kept ringing. I yelled, 'will someone answer that damn phone?' Everybody just looked at me. The ringing was coming from my bag."

10 February 2012

I nearly missed Mo this morning. I saw her feet sticking out from behind a concrete partition, so I went into the restaurant for her bagel and tea. When I came back she was gone. I asked Steve if he had seen Mo pass by. He said he thought she had entered the restaurant. I waited outside for what seemed a very long time, but eventually she came out.

"Are you stalking me?" she said with mock anger. "I see the way people in there look at me, like I'm some kind of scum."

"Of course I'm stalking you. I have something for you. I gave her a poem written by a friend. When she started reading she said, "Oh, my God...... Oh, My God.........Oh, my God." Then the tears came. "All this from somebody I've never met. It's so sweet. Thank your friend for me, and tell her I love her."

I hugged her and she started sobbing into my shoulder. She looked up at me and said, "If you start crying, I'm going to kick you."

I said, "My friend has been in some of the places you've been. She understands. There are a lot of people who love you.

You've told me of the terrible things that were done to you, about the guilt you feel because you didn't live your life the way your mother may have wanted, but that is the past, it's gone, you don't have to carry it with you. It doesn't define who you are now.

I know you're worried about what will happen when F. gets out of prison, but that is in the future. We never know what will happen tomorrow or next week. You don't have to carry that either."

"I still love Frank, but I can't live with him."

"It helps if you can forgive others who have harmed you, and forgive yourself. The only things you can control are what's happening this moment. Have you ever tried meditation?"

"Sometimes, when I'm alone."

"The next time you get a feeling of sadness or pain or frustration, just concentrate on breathing in and breathing out. Count your breaths. Look at what is happening in your mind and decide if there is anything you can do about it. If not, concentrate on what you see in front of you, what you smell in the air, what you are going to do next. Will you give it a try?"

"Yes."

I hugged her again and said, "Happy birthday, Mo. There are lots of people who love you." I kissed her on the cheek.

....

Noon hour at the wall brought Darrell, Emile, Rhino and Sparky.

I was glad to see Emile He is a small man, pale, with no front teeth and haunting gray eyes "We've met before , at the benches with Mo. You're looking well after what you've been through. Judy, 'Mom', said that your heart had stopped twice in the ambulance. She also mentioned that you had pneumonia. Do you remember her visiting you at the hospital?"

"No, I don't remember her, but I was in a coma for fifteen days. So she came to see me?"

"Yes, the nurse described your condition to her, and she sat at your bedside. She told us all how you were doing. It didn't sound good."

"I only had two hours sleep. I was coughing all night. I still have the pneumonia. This is my third heart attack. I really have to take it easy. I'm still weak. Walking from the Salvation Army to here, I had to stop for a rest six times."

Darrell said to him, "Do you want a drink?" as he pulled out of his pocket a small bottle of vodka.

"No, not that stuff. I got a few beers in my backpack for later."

Sparky who has a scar running from near his right eye through his upper lip, has yellow, uneven teeth, a very infections laugh and usually wears a dirty fedora with a brightly colored headband, said, " I had double pneumonia once. It was just after I got out of the haven (Millhaven Institution is a maximum security facility located in Bath, Ontario. The Institution opened in 1971 and can accommodate up to 413 inmates).

Darrell said, "The worst place I've been in is Lindsay. Any of you guys been in Lindsay? (The Central East Correctional Centre [as known colloquially as the Lindsay Superjail] is a medium/maximum security prison located in Lindsay, Ontario. It has recently been rebuilt.) I was in a cell with two black guys. There were only two bunks so I lay down on the floor.

"No man! Take my bunk. We're cool with anishnabs (slang for a member of the Anishinabe Nation). I'll sleep on the floor."

"So I take the bunk. Next morning he says to me, 'You had my bunk, so now I get your breakfast.' I was hungry, hadn't eaten since lunch the day before, but I said, 'You can have my breakfast, but you're not getting my lunch.' Shortly after, I was transferred out of there."

Emile said, "One guy asked for my breakfast and I said sure. I hit him in the face with it. 'You can eat my breakfast, tray and all.'"

"In Lindsay they still had ceramic toilets. We took a sheet and tied it in knots every foot or so. Then we flushed it knot by knot. Before the last knot we pulled back hard and the toilet in the cell next to us exploded.

I think they've changed everything since then. Replaced the ceramic with stainless steel. If you busted one of them ceramic toilets you could make a mean shank (knife). That ceramic can be really sharp."

Sparky said, "The Don Jail is bad too!" (a provincial jail for remanded offenders in the city of Toronto, Ontario, Canada).

"I remember twenty-eight of us were transferred in the Grey Goose from there to Penetang (The Central North Correctional Centre, a maximum security prison located in Penetanguishene, Ontario, Canada.) The driver, we called him Goofy, gave smokes to everybody."

"I've been in the Don Jail," said Rhino, who is missing a front tooth. "I remember this black guy. He was about E.'s height, about five feet something, but his shoulders were about four feet wide. He had his own hour in the gym. I saw him bench 625. Everybody was afraid of him. He pretty much kept to himself.

"I said, 'I'll go over and talk to him.' The others said I was crazy. I went over and said, 'excuse me, do you mind if I talk to you?' He said, 'Sure, man. Have a seat on the bench. Do you want to smoke some hash.' Everything was cool from then on."

The others said, "Yeah, it was always easy to get drugs in the Don."

Sparky smiled and said, "You guys hear that the price of sherry is going up. Last time I was at the liquor store I asked the clerk for the telephone number of their head office. He gave it to me. I was real polite when I phoned, I said 'Sir, I've heard that the price of sherry is going up. I happen to drink Imperial and I would appreciate it if you wouldn't raise the price of that particular brand.' All the other sherries went up, except for Imperial."

"You did good, Sparky! Way to go!" Handshakes all around. Sparky laughed. It's great to see him laugh.

9 February 2012

This morning as I was walking along the sidewalk, approaching the spot where I usually meet Mo, I saw two feet sticking out from behind a concrete partition. Before I went to the restaurant for Mo's bagel and tea I wanted to make sure it was her. Lately her visits have been sporadic and if she's not there another person may take over her spot. I saw a head peek out, then go back. I walked closer. The head peeked out again, then I saw Mo's smiling face and her hand waving. She had been playing peek-a-boo.

Mo had been drinking.

"Do you like me better when I'm sober, or when I've been drinking?"

"Mo, I like you however you are."

"I'm going to have to move. Carl and I had a big fight last night, mostly over his coke-head girlfriend. I could have had some last night, But I said, 'No, thanks.' What does that say about me? There is a word for it."

"It says you have will power."

"Frank will be out of prison in eight months. My parole officer said he was sentenced to eighteen months, but with time already served and time off for good behavior he could be out in October."

A man stopped, pulled out his change purse and handed us each a quarter.

"Bless you, sir." I said.

Mo said to me under her breath. "What does he expect us to do with this? Make a phone call? Thant's what it costs now to use a pay phone. I couldn't believe it.

"I miss my boys so much, and I miss my mom. I feel bad that I haven't lived my life the way she wanted. She was happy though when I was making big money, even if it was illegal. I just want to talk to her."

"You can Mo. Just talk to her. She can hear you. It's not a question of being good or bad, right or wrong; but about choices and consequences. It was choices that brought you here. It was choices that brought me here."

"Sometimes, I just scream at her. I don't look like her or my father. I was the youngest of eleven children. I was born with blond hair and blue eyes; my sisters and brothers are all dark. I got a lot of abuse growing up, especially from my father's side of the family.

"I asked my mom one day if I was adopted, or if I was maybe the mailman's baby, or something. She said we found you in a cabbage patch. You sere so cute we decided to bring you home and keep you.

"I found out later that I was meant to be aborted. My father had the cash in an envelope. My grandfather slit it open and ran off with the money. He came back eventually.

"When I was two years old my grandfather took me out to the woodshed. There was a tree limb in the shed. He chained me, hung me up, then he punched me and did things to me. It happened again when I was four, with my father and my uncle "Bugless". His real name is Douglas. I hate him so much for what he did to me.

"One time my mother saw him coming and she told me to run as fast as I could.. I went to one of the tree forts we had built in the forest.

“I can get so cold sometimes. I just hate people, especially men. Why do they have to be so…?

“There’s a lot that can be said for dogs.” I replied, referring to a quote by Mark Twain.

Silent tears had been streaming down Mo’s cheeks, but she started laughing. “Now I can take care of myself. Since 1995 I’ve been taking kick boxing. The owner of the studio drives a Hummer to advertise his business.”

A lady stopped and offered both of us a chocolate chip cookie.

“Bless you, ma’am.” I said.

“She’s okay. I’m careful about what food I accept. There was one guy who used to bring me fruit. Fruit’s okay. I like fruit. One day he brought me a home made muffin. After I ate it I felt a buzz like I’d had four hits of LSD. I was able to make it to the Mission. That was the only place I could think of to go. I was able to lie down and eventually it wore off.

“I miss my boys, but I can’t go back to Toronto. I have two outstanding assault charges against me. In 1007 I was pushing a carriage with my two babies in it. A woman ran by and dropped a plastic bag into the carriage. Before I could do anything one of the babies had the bag and was chewing on the corner. There was white powder all over his mouth. It was cocaine.

"The woman was running from the police. I caught up with her and beat her unconscious. Can you imagine, throwing cocaine into a baby carriage?

I mentioned that I had been to “the heater” yesterday and had a long talk with Albert I said that he was really a sweet man.

“He is so sweet. All the women take advantage of him except me. I’ve been here thirty years. I’m not going to turn over a friend. He was drinking with Bert one time and he fell backwards down fourteen concrete steps. He was in a coma for a while. His memory isn’t so good any more.

“He had a nice house on Augusta and he gets pension checks, so he always has money. Four of us were at The Prestige Hotel one time. They know me there, so everything was cool. R. took A.’s bank card to the beer store. He was gone in the morning and A.’s account had been cleaned out. Some of them blamed me for it but Albert said, 'I know it wasn’t Mo, I saw Richard take my card.' We haven't seen Richard since, but he'll be back in the summer."

8 February 2012

When I got off the bus this morning I was greeted by Grant and Steve who hand out the free Metro newspaper. “Good morning, Dale!” they both shouted (They never remember my name). "Mo’s here today!”

I was pleased since I hadn’t seen her in four days. I brought her toasted sesame seed bagel, steeped tea with one cream and three sugars.

“How’ve you been, Mo?”

“My legs are sore from fibromyalgia, apart from that I’m okay.”

"How did court go, Friday?”

“I don't know what happened. I didn’t go back. That’s probably why my probation officer wants to see me this morning. I'm also A.W.O.L. from the hospital.”

“When you were living in Toronto you were married and had five children. Is that right? When did things start to go wrong for you?”

”Well I was living common law, but it wasn’t a happy time for me. I have five sons, Michael, born in 1984, is now living on his own. Cody was born in 1990, Jonathan in 1992, Kassidy in 1996 and Dylan in 1997. They’re all living with family. They all have my telephone number, but they don’t phone very often. I don’t interfere with their lives. They’re settled now. No point me barging in.

“Nothing was ever good between me and my common law husband. Kassidy saw his father come at me with a machete, no it was a hatchet! He chopped my leg!

"My life has always been messed up. My grandfather was a freak. My father was a freak. I got along really well with my mother, in fact she was my best friend, until I got into drugs. Then she threw me out. I'd finished grade eight and was fourteen at the time.

"When I started making good money she was friendly enough! I bought her a house. My boys thought of her as their mom, until she passed away. God bless her soul."

At that point Albert arrived. I said hello to him. He looked at Mo and rubbed his thumb and fingers together indicating that he wanted money.

"I know, I owe Bert money. This is the first time I haven't paid him as soon as my check came in, but I was in hospital. I signed the check over to Carl, who deposited it in the bank. The landlord took the rent money out and there's nothing left.

Albert said, "Niaut".

Mo replied, "Niaut. That's Inuit for good-bye." she said to me.

"Bert can wait for his money."

Albert then walked away. I asked Mo if Albert was Inuit.

"No, he just seems to hang out with a lot of Inuit women. They go out together. He gets drunk and they "dig" (rob) him. I asked him if he ever gets anything. He said no. Next time he sees them, they're all friends again. I can't figure these guys. They'd be better off with a twenty dollar hooker.

"A couple of them have full blown HIV. Little Frank was drunk and his girlfriend threw him out. He passed out in the snow. Somehow he rolled over onto a "fit" (rig or hypodermic needle). That's how he got HIV."

It was time for me to leave, and Mo mentioned that she had to pee, so I walked her to the library. I noticed that she was limping.

"I didn't notice you limping on Friday."

"No, Friday it was okay."

We hugged and Mo said, "Don't forget that Sunday is my birthday."

"I remember, February 12. Will you be at 'the heater' later on?" I said as we parted.

"No, after my meeting, I'm going home."

At noon the sun was shining and the temperature was a relatively mild, minus 2 degrees Celsius (28.4 degree Fahrenheit). I walked to 'the heater' and noticed Irwin and Albert I can hardly count Irwin, since he was laying on his back, his head on his knapsack, sound asleep. I said to Albert He must have had a rough night."

"He's tired, that's all."

A large man with a big smile and a missing front tooth came over. Albert introduced him as Rhino

"Where you been, Rhino? I haven't seen you for a long time."

"I just got out of jail."

"What for?"

"A Metro store. No more boosting for me. I just got out of jail today."

"You got some money for me?"

"I already paid you fifteen dollars. There's nobody around that I owe money to. Not until tomorrow, anyway."

"I was just kidding, I know you paid me. You want to come to my house?" A. playfully kicked Rhino's shin. "No, I'm just going to hang out for a while." Rhino walked to the stairs where other people were sitting. I could hear them talking and laughing.

"I came by bus downtown this morning and had breakfast at the Salvation Army. It was a good breakfast. Then I did my run, visited some friends -- five people. I took the bus home, then came back here. See all the bus transfers I have.

"I think I'm going to have my last beer." He opened a large can of Old Milwaukee. "I haven't had any beer for three days.

"I was born across the river in old Quebec. I'm 63 years old now and I've never been in hospital. I wasn't even born in hospital. I was born at home. I nearly drowned though. My brother and I were swimming in a lake. I dove in and hit my head on a rock. I didn't know where I was. My brother reached down into the water and pulled me up by my hair, otherwise, I would have drowned.

"I read cards, you know. My first wife showed me how. I read a lady's cards the other day and I said to her, 'Someone you love very deeply is sick. 'Yes,' she said, 'my husband has cancer.'" Albert's eyes welled up with tears. "I hate it."

"You know Bert? I read his cards once and I saw three deaths. There was Jacques, Andre and I can't remember the third one. I don't know how it happens, but I hate it.

"Soon, I'm going to go home, smoke a little weed and listen to 98.6, 'Rouge FM'. They play nice music, about 75% English songs, the rest is French.

"You smoke a bit, I guess?"

"Not really, I mean sometimes. I have problems with paranoia, so it depends on who I'm smoking with; but yes, It's nice to relax."

"Friends are really important."

"I agree, they're the most important, sometimes. If we have friends we have someone who will help us make it through the day, and sometimes through the night."

"Well I'm off now. I'm going to see my dealer. He has a big bag for me."

I walked him to the corner.

3 February 2012

I can only describe today as unbelievable. I was expecting to meet with Irwin at “the heater”, so I stopped by the liquor store to buy his favorite, Imperial sherry. He had shared with me, so I felt it only fair to share with him.

I walked to 'the heater' -- it was deserted. I walked to the park benches -- also deserted. I started heading back along Elgin Street towards work when I saw a slim, beautiful woman waving at me. I can only describe her as “drop dead gorgeous”. I turned around to see if there was someone behind me that she was waving at. She called out, “Dennis!”

The woman’s hair was dark in a stylish pixie cut, teased and gelled in the latest fashion. She wore a fitted tweed jacket, slim jeans, designer sunglasses and tasteful makeup. I wasn’t wearing my glasses, but when I came closer I realized it was Mo. I said, “Mo, you look beautiful! You sure do scrub up good!”

“Well, don’t let anybody else know. I’m dressed like this for court. I appeared this morning and F. pleaded innocent.

“I was called to the witness stand and said, 'What do you want me to say? You’ve seen the video, the hospital reports, statements from people who saw me bruised and beaten with broken bones. What else is there?'

“Anyway, I have to go back at two o’clock. I don’t know what is going to happen.”

We went to the food court in the building where I work. I found an unoccupied table and asked Mo to wait so I could go to my office and get the get the pair of boots I had for for her.

When I came back I felt like Prince Charming sliding the boot onto Mo’s foot. Like Cinderella, a perfect fit. I went over to the shoemakers to get a pair of thermal insoles, since Mo had been complaining of having cold feet.

We had about ten minutes to chat before I had to go back to work. Mo had spent the last week in hospital for epileptic seizures that she admits are due to her drinking. She hadn’t liked the hospital food and had dropped to 123 pounds.

I also learned that her birthday is February 12, 1966. She looks surprisingly young for a mother of five. She was born in Scarborough, part of Toronto. Her mother was French, her father a mix of English and Ojibwa (or metis). "Especially because of my blue eyes, I'm often told that I'm not indian enough."

I left her with the bottle of sherry. I don’t think I will ever be able to look at her the same way again. She is a true Cinderella story -- emerging from behind a dumpster in back of Starbucks to the beautiful, confident woman she is today.

We'll be meeting again Monday.

2 February 2012

Today, the sun was shining. Temperature was -5 degrees Celsius (23 degrees Fahrenheit). Ice sculptures were on display outdoors at the Lord Elgin Hotel. At 'the heater' (or 'the wall') were Sparky, Irwin, Judy, Henry and later Maria. I asked Sparky how he was doing. He replied, "I'll be great once I get this drunk on."

I talked to Irwin about his birthplace, Bella Bella (also known as Waglisla), on Campbell Island. I had researched it on the Internet.

"Yeah man, It's grown since I've been there, but it's beautiful. That's God's country out there. The only way in is by boat or plane. The ferries may run there, but I'm not sure since that one tipped over a few years back.

"When I was a kid we used to have races, through the forest for a mile or so, around things, over things, under things, through the swamp then swim the last part. I was fast. We really had fun."

Judy, 'Mom', mentioned that she had visited Emile in the hospital yesterday. 'Mom' is very sweet and motherly looking with shoulder length white hair.

"He doesn't look good. Besides the heart attack he has pneumonia. He has a nurse twenty-four hours a day, sitting at his side. She told me all the details of his condition. He died twice, but they brought him back. He's got tubes coming out of everywhere and one down his throat because he can't breathe on his own. He looks like a robot. They have him in an induced coma. They want to bring him back slow."

"I had double pneumonia one time." said Sparky. "That's really bad. You can die from that. My martial arts trainer was with me and gave me a shot of whiskey every hour.

"I took karate, taekwondo, kick boxing and boxing. I knew that stuff even before I went to the pen."

"I have a red belt in jiu jitsu." said Irwin as he took my wrist and elbow putting it in a position where he could either throw me or break my arm. "My hands are considered weapons. Even these steel toed boots are considered weapons. The police told me that. They could see the markings on the sides.

"A friend got me these boots, he said if you ever need boots let me know. I went to him and the next day he brought me these. They cost $300 and they're really warm.

Henry, a large man with a beard, reached into his back pack and pulled out two small gift boxes and a heart-shaped tin of chocolate covered toffees. He gave them to 'Mom'.

She opened the boxes and showed everyone. In the first box was a necklace with a silver pendant and two stud earrings with pink stones. In the second box was a necklace with a black rectangular stone.

"Henry!" she said, "How long have you known me?"

"Six years, maybe."

"In all that time didn't you notice that my ears aren't pierced? I guess now I'll have to have them done.

"I'm going to the "Sheps" (Shepherd's of Good Hope) soon to get my meds. My worker had them sent there.

Irwin said to Henry, "You're barred from there aren't you?"

"I'm barred for life. I hit two staff. They reported me and I was sent down for sixty days. I'm up on another charge coming to court soon. I hit someone. I don't know who. I was drunk."

"Has anybody got a comb. I've gone three days without combing my hair." Henry reached into his backpack and pulled out a comb. "That's my comb, Henry. Now go easy, start from the bottom and go up, I've got a lot of tangles." Henry gently combed out Judy's shoulder length, white hair.

"Judy, I went to your place the other night, but you weren't there. I had five bottles of wine with me, so I just stayed there and got pickled. Do you know that your building was raided? If your room mates have any needles laying around you could get arrested just for being there. I don't think you should go back."

At that point Maria arrived with two litres (quarts) of Molson Ice Beer.

"Where's Emile?" she questioned. "I came all this way to see him and he's not here."

"Don't you know that he's in hospital?" said Henry, "I was with him when it happened. We were at McDonalds. We had cheese burgers and each of us had a bottle of wine with us. We drank it right there at McDonalds. Then Emile just slumped over in his chair. Somebody called an ambulance."

Judy said to Sparky, "I had a couple of joints earlier, but I could really use a drink. Will you give me a drink?"

"Not now, maybe later.

"Sparky!" Irwin said, "If you don't give 'Mom' a drink now, I won't give you a drink later." He pulled a bottle of Imperial sherry from his back pack. To me he said, "We always share with everybody, I don't know what's gotten into Sparky." He passed the bottle around and we each took a swig.

"Very good!" I said, "This is what you were telling me about the other day." (Medium amber colour; aromas of walnuts, caramel and figs; sweet and creamy along with flavours of brown sugar. Has a slightly impetuous bouquet. I can imagine it served with pecan pie.)

Irwin opened a bag of Cheezies and offered some to Judy "Are you crazy! You'll ruin your buzz. I'm trying to hang onto my stone. I'm not going to ruin it just because of munchies.

"I'm allowed back on Dalhousie Street now. I was banned for six months. I haven't been causing any trouble. I just get drunk. I woke up at Bernice's's place and asked her if I had any money. She checked and said, I still had fifty bucks. That was a relief!"

It was time for me to get back to work, so I excused myself, said my good byes and to Irwin, "Maybe, I'll see you tomorrow." He shook my hand and we parted.

1 February 2012

Today was a learning experience. The weather was what the meteorologists called "freezing fog". I walked to 'the heater' where I saw Albert and a woman. Albert, I had met the previous day, the woman I had seen, but we hadn't been introduced.

Albert said to the woman, "Cathy, this is ... What did you say your name is?"

"I'm Dennis."

I shook Albert's hand then extended it to Cathy. She withheld her hand and said, "What are you doing here?"

"I'm here to visit friends. I was hoping Mo would be here."

Albert was very friendly and talkative. The previous day he hadn't said a word. "He's solid, Cathy, he was here yesterday talking with Irwin."

Cathy may have noticed my "Shepherd's of Good Hope" bag. She said, "There was a man who was barred from "The Shepherd's of No Hope," The Salvation Army and the Mission. The temperature was -40 degrees. No place would let him in. He froze to death standing up, leaning against the brick wall of the Shepherd's."

"Why was he barred?" I asked.

"It doesn't matter why he was barred! Nobody should be forced to freeze to death!"

"I agree."

Albert, in a kindly voice, broke the awkward silence, "Cathy and I have been friends for a long time -- on the wagon and off. I was sober for 10 years. That's when I was with Epeepee, an Inuit woman. When she died four years ago I fell off the wagon."

"I'm sorry to hear that." I said.

"I don't like your voice!" said Cathy.

"I'm sorry, I won't talk."

"It's not your voice I don't like, it's the tone. It's clinical and condescending."

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to come across that way."

Albert went on with his stories. He mentioned that he lives on Chapel Street, that he likes British Columbia pot, that he used to be a drug dealer.

"Albert, don't give away personal information." To me she said, "I don't like you!"

"Would you like me to leave." I said.

"Yes!"

"Goodbye, Albert Goodbye Cathy"

Today I learned that even the agencies whose sole purpose is to help the poor, the destitute and the homeless can be seen as the enemy. I learned that I will always be an outsider to homeless people. I haven't had their experiences. I don't blend. I am humble. I only want to help, but those who don't know me may not always see that. I must show more sensitivity. Tomorrow, I hope to have a more positive experience, but I have learned from today

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3. January, 2012: Conversations With Friends	ID #746788
Posted: 2-10-2012 @ 5:38 pm EST Edited: 4-30-2012 @ 3:35 pm EDT

31 January 2012

It’s snowing today. Irwin and Albert were the only ones at 'the heater'. Albert didn’t speak much. Irwin said there had been about eight there earlier, but they left at around 11:00 am.

Irwin is a member of the Heiltsuk Nation from the town of Bella Bella on Campbell Island, British Columbia. With a population of 1,400, Bella Bella is the largest community to be found on the Central Coast north of Queen Charlotte Strait.

Irwin loved living in British Columbia even though it rained most of the time. “I’d never go back there. The memories are too painful.”

He played hockey and baseball for several native teams, the “Odd Socks” (they wore one black sock, one white sock) and the “Red Eyes” (because they partied so much). He rose to the “A" Division and has been “carded" which prevents him from playing in either the “B” or “C" Division.

Irwin has two sons aged 12 and 14. One wants to be a mechanic. At present he is content with model railroading. The other wants to play professional hockey. Irwin’s advice to him is, “Make sure you get an option.” I understand that to mean that he should not sign a contract without the option to renegotiate at some future date.

Irwin’s girlfriend, Malvena, is of Lebanese descent. Her family is supportive of Irwin because they can see he is trying to put his life in order. They’ve even said to him, “If you want to drink, why don’t you drink in our house, instead of going outside?”

“I couldn’t do that! When I start drinking I don’t know what’s going to happen. I might do something really bad.
I’ve cut back though. I used to drink eight or ten bottles a day of the really sweet sherry. I’d get a real sugar rush. Now I’ve switched to Imperial, which is dry. I’m down to one bottle of sherry and two bottles of beer a day. I don’t shake as much, but I still have the dry heaves in the morning until I get some alcohol into my system. I stay away from fire water. I just can’t handle it.

"I used to work for a long haul furniture mover. I’ve been across this country six or seven times. The only province I haven’t seen is Prince Edward Island. We were nearly killed on one trip. We had driven for forty-six hours straight when my boss, who was driving, nodded off. As he was heading toward the ditch I yelled, ‘Wake up!’ He did just in time to steer the truck back on to the highway.

"I’m bi-polar and schizophrenic, but I’m not taking any medication for it. I feel I’m strong enough to deal with this on my own. I’m not racist, but I have no faith in white man’s medicine. My doctor prescribed Valium, but it’s harmful for me to take it while I’m drinking. So that’s no good."

I asked where a person could learn about native culture. I’ve heard of the Native Friendship Centre and asked if non-native people would be welcomed there.

“Of course, that’s why they call it a friendship centre.

“Malvena and I wanted to go out for dinner one night and we went to a native club on Rideau Street. They wouldn’t let Malvena in because she isn’t native. I was so mad! I said, ‘She’s with me. Why can’t she come in?'"

It was time for me to go back to work. Irwin said it was time for him to get a drink. His head was starting to feel funny. I shook hands with Albert and Irwin. Even though Irwin has suffered much pain in his life he has an infectious smile. Seeing his smile warmed my heart.

30 January 2012

At 'the heater' today were Sparky, Bert, Cathy, Irwin, Maria and Sparky. Bert gestured across the street and said, "Sparky and me were on the bench earlier, but the wind was too frosty."

There is a lot of construction happening downtown, high rise office towers going up. We heard two loud blasts of what sounded like a steam whistle.

"I think that's dynamite." said Bert as he looked around. "We should hear two more whistle blasts." Sure enough the whistle blasts came, then the rumble of the explosion.

I asked if Mo had been by, since I hadn't seen her this morning. Bert said that he hadn't seen her today, but had seen her on the weekend. She and some friends were at his house playing cards, rolling dice and watching a movie.

"I like the fresh air." said Bert "I don't smoke cigarettes and the smoke bothers my eyes. I have two dogs, a beagle and a black lab. They had to breathe that air. The cigarette and pot smoke was so thick that I think they got stoned."

Bert had a hash pipe that he had carved and drilled from a rock. He and Sparky passed it back and forth until Sparky had a coughing fit. I asked Bert if he had carved the pipe from soapstone. He said he had done in the past, but soapstone gets too hot, also when heated it gives off gasses that are unhealthy.

Shane rode in on his bicycle. He shook hands all around then said, "Bert, you're looking healthy." Bert held up a pop bottle that held an opaque liquid, "This is what keeps me healthy. I make it myself with raisins, rice, sugar, yeast and water. It takes thirteen days to make, but after ten I find it's okay. I have it worked out that I have a different batch (three bottles) ready every day. This is 10% alcohol. If I were to buy this at the liquor store I'd have to pay $10.00."

He passed the bottle to Shane, "You've really improved. This tastes a lot better than what you made before. Since you're making your own, you have more money for food."

Bert patted his stomach, "I like to take care of my belly. When I make this wine I can use the raisins and the rice twice. I've always wanted to give the raisins to someone who could make muffins for me. I think they would be good. Usually I just give them to my dogs. It makes them drunk for awhile."

"You could pass for Santa Claus."

"I'd like to grow my beard like ZZ Top. I trim it sometimes to try to make it grow, but this is the best I can do. Claude shaved his off last summer and look at it now It's already longer than mine. I've been asked to play Santa Claus, but I can't do it when I'm drunk. Anyway, I wouldn't want some screaming kid hanging around my neck, slobbering. I'd tell him to go away."

Claude asked Sparky, "Do you have any water?"

"I have some juice."

"No," said Bert "Claude likes his with water."

To me he said, "Claude mixes rubbing alcohol with water. That's what he drinks."

"Isn't that hard on the stomach?"

"It's his choice. I don't judge. I just come here every day to see my friends and see who's alive. Last Tuesday, or was it Wednesday, Emile had a heart attack. He's in the hospital now. We never know.

"Where I live now, It's near Dow's Lake. I can drink beer in the park all day long, Nobody can find me. The parks near here, they patrol all the time."

Shane said,"They stopped me and a friend the other day and asked us what we were doing. I said I just broke up with my girl friend and was taking a walk. They asked if I had anything on me. I said a friend of mine had a bottle but he's gone now. They went away then. Actually I had some pot and a bottle with me but they couldn't see it. If they had they would have asked me to leave.

It was time for me to go back to work. I shook hands all around and said, "Maybe I'll see you tomorrow. If you see Mo tell her I have some boots for her."

29 January 2012

This is what the poor, the disabled and the
elderly are learning from one another: better to
teach than to hate; better to talk than turn away;
better to see another human being in trouble than
to deny your humanity; better to remember I may
be just a handicap away from being you.

Even in extremes, I'm trying to reach you.

From the book, "dispatches from the poverty line" by Pat Capponi.

29 January 2012

tonight the air is colder
than ever their way to home
empty boxes
and backdoor castles
too many nights alone
there's a northern wind
around me a blowing
and they'll be here tomorrow
waiting in the places
I'd forgotten - with a smile
and hand for holding.....

by Tornado Day

27 January 2012

No Place

Freezing rain,
piercing wind,
streets and walkways
treacherous
for driving or walking.
Pedestrians hide
under umbrellas,
bustling to work --

except for one man
sitting on the sidewalk,
his back to a building,
his head bowed.
Ice cakes his parka,
his pants.
He has no place
to go.

22 January 2012

there you are
an almost stranger
who am I to take your hand
what I give is almost nothing -
but the heart to hear
and understand.

you've told me
of being abused, beaten,
stabbed with a machete,
making choices
that proved harmful
to yourself
and others.

when I look
into your sparking blue eyes
I see a full range of emotions,
happiness, frustration,
pain and sorrow,
but, always
love.

an inspiration
to me, and to anyone
fortunate enough to know you.
to have arisen
from behind a dumpster
to living in a clean, safe house,
your life in order,
on your own,
is truly commendable.
I am proud
of what you have accomplished,
proud to call you
my friend.

please,
take my hand.
I would like
to introduce you
to a wider audience
so that they too
can take inspiration
and see the miracle
that is your love,
that is you.

19 January 2012

This morning, in the freezing cold, Mo was huddled in a sleeping bag with only her face showing. Her feet were nearly frozen from sitting on the sidewalk for two hours. She's been in hospital for the past two months due to epileptic seizures. She'd cut back on her medication because she wasn't having any symptoms, then the seizures hit. Her doctor has upped her meds, now she feels "spinny".

She didn't have a pleasant time in hospital, in fact she went A.W.O.L. The nurses tried to get her to stay but she had an altercation with a woman. Mo said, "Either I'm out of her, or I'm going to hit her. In which case I'll be going to jail and she'll be in my hospital bed."

Tuesday, Mo was scheduled to appear in court due to Frank having assaulted her. Frank pled guilty, but they didn't tell Mo until she appeared in court. She was in a wheel chairn She wonders what kind of a deal they offered Frank. She's not overly concerned as long as he's out of her life.

I spoke to Mo about the possbility of me writing a story about her and her friends. She thought that was a great idea. We'll talk more about it tomorrow.

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12. Table of Contents	ID #746912
Posted: 2-12-2012 @ 2:13 pm EST Edited: 5-25-2012 @ 4:59 pm EDT