It's funny. I haven't written... really written in this thing in.... so long. Ussually, I end up here on the hells of failed relationships when I need a blank canvas to whine to, a place to go when everyone's ears and shoulders have already been soaked by my tears but I still have something to say.

It's funny. I started this thing so so long ago, back when I was almost an entirely different person all together. I was engaged to the man I thought I'd spend my life with, being a stay at home mother to a baby girl, wanting nothing more but to spend my life out in the country on my father's farm with my future husband and my child and my dog... It's funny how much has changed, including my dreams and goals. It's funny how much I've found myself over the past few years, and how much I have still to find.

It's Sunday night, or Monday morning depending how you look at it. I just finished another 8 hour shift from a fulltime job that... I don't hate but I'm not particularly fond of. It's one of those jobs you work because it pays better than most, is the first one that was offered, and offers benefits you need even if it isn't what you want to be doing. It's one of those "I'll settle for now" jobs while you hope and pray deep down inside that you're not one of the ones who end up stuck, never knowing anything more than to settle. I'm living in a town where I'm invisible. No one knows my name, offers any help, or has any idea who I am or what I have come out of. On one hand, I like that. On the other, there are times I want to grab some of these people and scream in their faces that I have been more places, seen more things, and been through more trauma than most 50 year olds so please, don't look at me as just some 25 year old dumb kid. I may not know a lot, but I've seen enough to have a pretty good idea about some things. But then again, maybe it's better no one knows that about me.

I moved down here under false pretenses that things would be easier and better. They're not. I was lead to believe that moving down here would solve most of my problems, that I'd have the help I need and all the stress and anxiety that I was enduring was just a "West Virginia" issue. I found out that the person who convinced me of all that believed it simply because he had no stress or anxiety. I mean, when you're 27 years old, live with your wealthy parents, barely pay any bills except for your car and have no responsibilities except working for a few hours 3 days a week, it's hard to understand how anyone can be so stressed in life. But, I was blind and stupid, like usual, and believed this fairy tale idea that Texas would solve everything. I burned bridges, and ran down here as quickly as I can for... well....

I work 35 to 40 hours a week for $10 an hour. It sounds nice but because of the hours I work, I need child care which runs me at least $200 a week so when I come home with a $380 paycheck, I'm really only getting $180 of it. Even though I have a roommate, I pay all of the rent and the electric. His only bill is the internet - $35 a month. Even with a half decent job, I make so little that I even have to be on food stamps which is humiliating and degrading alone. While working fulltime, I still take care of my daughter, and try to keep a clean house with little to no help. The person who convinced me it was a great idea, I hate and once again in my life, it's like me against the world. The worse part is, I can't go back. I made my bed and now... well, you know the rest. The question still stands though; If I could go back, would I? I found out through this move who my true friends are which is apparently no one. I have nothing no matter where I go. I suppose I might s well just stay...

I still haven't finished school although I know the career/school path I am trying to follow. I enrolled down here for ACC and hopefully will be able to get certified in drug abuse and alcohol abuse counseling soon. Honestly, the idea of school has taken a backseat (as much as I don't want it to) to my job and my schedule and my daughter.

Things are hard, a lot harder than they once were back when I first started this blog. But I'm making it... somehow.


-Nizza


 

Whenever anyone sleeps in the same room as me, no matter if it's the dogs or my daughter or whatever man I'm with, I always wake up periodicly to check their breathing. It's almost shameful for me to admit how afraid I am that everyone is going to die.
 

Beauty is only half the truth, that's why dandelions grow on grave plots and the human heart is shaped like a bloody fist.


 

I left my home, the town, the state I was born and raised in and spent my entire life in. I left most of everything I own behind, took my daughter and my dogs and moved half way across the country. I don't know if I can do this but I'm sure as hell going to try.
 

And she said "I don't ever wanna sleep again. I'm alone in this world and I need a friend. Will you be that for me or will you be like all the rest?"

Dear Jamie,
         I can't write this anywhere else. I can't talk about this with anyone. It's like, I feel so lost and alone right now, even while being surrounded with friends. All I want to do is call you, talk to you, and tell you nothing more than how sorry I am.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm so... fucking.... sorry.

I knew it was pointless from the begining, I know I break everything I touch, I knew I should have said it from day 1... I knew I should have told you that I could never be all that you wanted me to be.

It's okay if you hate me, I'd hate me too.

But if I had one more chance to see you, to talk to you, I'd tell you.... I'm sorry.

-Nizza


 

Hi. I'm really not sure what to type about but Ifigured I'd spend this evening in bed on my laptop updating my blog. But I have nothing important to say, no relationships, no heartbreaks, nothing. Just stress and school and random Joshi and Nizza adventures in a world that is begining to feel bigger and bigger everyday. There's a boy but he's... well he just plain makes me happy and as of right now, has an insanley tight grip on my heart. We don't cling, or obsess... we merely simply exsist. Even typing about it I have this slight smile across my face realizing what a breath of fresh air he is. No labels, no titles, no drama, just... just being happy to be around each other even if neither one of us have anything to say. I love him. I'm madly IN love with him but in the way that the moon loves the sun. That dammed sun may frustrated the moon with its bright rays, it may seem to come up to early or too late, but... I shine because of his subtle reflection off of my surface. And as frustrated as he may make me over stupid little things, I crave his prescense, his voice, to just hear him say hello even if we spend the rest of the night sitting in silence. We can goes days, sometimes even weeks without speaking and it doesn't make any difference, just resulting in us missing each other more and becommingcloser once we do speak again. It''s a nice feeling when a relationship type thing, the area in my life that has always held the most stress and drama, is finally for once easy, simple, and relativly undramatic.

This past weekend Joshi and I took a random roadtrip to North Carolina, ended up in the country part of the south, and then at Virginia beach, drinking Bud Light on a balcony over looking the board walk. It was one of those legendary trips that seems so much like a dream when you look back on it. I realized I am in fact having the time of my life, I'm just too dumb to see it sometimes.

-Nizza



The Vice

Oh neglect me my dear
My brambles grow thick in your absence
So next time you try to cut me down
Your blades will blunten on my branches
You wound the vice one turn too tight
Too much pressure makes a lesser fool out of me
You bent the bars one inch too far
Now they’re gaping I’m escaping, who needs a key?
I’m long gone
Oh insult me my dear
And like a sponge I’ll absorb
But when I’ve soaked all I can hold
On your head like a rain cloud I’ll pour
You wound the vice one turn too tight
Too much pressure makes a lesser fool out of me
You bent the bars one inch too far
Now they’re gaping I’m escaping, who needs a key?
I’m long gone
And you’re gonna cry like a mourner
And I’m done cowering in corners
Slowly and surely I’ll saw through your sordid sob stories
I’m long gone
You wound the vice one turn too tight
Too much pressure makes a lesser fool out of me
You bent the bars one inch too far
Now they’re gaping I’m escaping, who needs a key?
I’m long gone

 

"What's a 60 year old woman to do? Just lay down and die?"

"I don't know, Mom. I haven't gotten that far yet. What's a 24 year old to do?"

"That's easy. They're supposed to be having the time of their lives."

"Mom, I'm a single mom going to school above full time, stressing out over building a life and a future for I'm not sure what reasons... Am I really missing out?"

Well, am I?



-Nizza
 

I wonder if anyone else has noticed that the reviews given around WDC anymore are not as uplifting as they are critical. It's not about inspiration 'Writing on!' anymore... It seems that everyone who gives reviews around here, at least the ones I have gotten, think they are the 'Masters of writing' and only focus on the technical instead of relishing and inspiring the creativity. And the SMS's wonder why so many of us who have been here for ages are slowly disappearing.... This place is not at all what it used to be. I'm not so sure anymore if I really want to return.


-Nizza
 

I wanted him too badly and I was begining to hold on too tightly to what I knew was impossible... So I let him go.

I knew the relationship had nothing to do with love, it was all about lust and that burning ache you get in your loins when you know it is the best fuck you will ever and have ever experianced and all you want is to hold on to that. Beyond the sex, it was nothing. There was no real basis, no real connection. Just the honeymoon phase of why we were so perfect for each other only to realize the truth which was the exact opposite.

We're no longer speaking and honestly I know he will be chalked up as one of the exes that I won't even be able to carry on a friendship with. In fact, he's the type of kid that I hate. And now without the sex, that's become so obviously apparent.

I came to the relization that I don't NEED to be in a relationship that badly. I don't NEED to belong to soemone so badly that I can step back and be fine with the idea that they are ashamed of me and won't even claim me publicly. I don't NEED anyone that badly, and I definatly don't diserve to be treated like that. I don't diserve to be put down and broken hearted everyday. A relationship is supposed ot make you happy, make you want to talk and feel and speak and be and it just got to the point with him that I was afraid to speak because an argument would start. I was ahamed of being me because he was ashamed of me. And everyday I felt uglier and uglier because he was sure to remind me of how much better he could do. Well now he's free to do better, and I'm free to actually persue the things in life I diserve.

I don't regret any of it. I never do regret the things in life that I know once made me happy. I just wish I wouldn't have let it carry on as long as it did, hoping something would change but instead it just kept getting worse. I guess it's another lesson learned. Dragging things out is sensless, thinking someone or something will change is pointless because you know how long it takes for you to even change yourself and change the things you know you need to change within yourself, what makes you beleive that someone who is so egotistical to think they are perfect and flawless and too blind to see their own issues will ever change? I'm done holding my breath.

As for new interests in my life? Well, there are always new interests. I have lustful eyes that like to scan over everyone in my life as soon as I step back out from that loyal stance. And that loyal stance has been gone for about a week now. And there's alot of people I have met, and noticed within that week. As for relationship material, well I notice them and I smile but I know I am simply not ready for another one. I'm moving to Texas in less than a year. I'm not trying to start anything I can't finish.

So it's the single life for Nizza, yet again. And not the boring sit on her ass and play on IMVU all day single life... It's the awesome fun single life I had back when I was 19 and happy. It's a whole new leaf for me; college, back hanging out with my friends, and back in love with whiskey all over again. It's depo shots and waking up at 10am in a random bed in a random house next to a random man (without the sex). It's how much alcohol I can ingest without vomitting and cramming projects into an hour while hungover because it's due in the morning and I haven't even started. It's shaving my head and not having to worry about what anyone else would think, new tattoos and running down the streets of the ghetto with no shoes simply because it feels like the thing to do. It's meteor showers in public parks at 3am in the rain, side walk chaulk and neon pink war paint. It's swimming in the creek in our clothes with full bonfires to dry off besides and taking shits in trash cans cause bathroom doors are locked and driving the old high ride roads minus the weed, just with good music and even better silent conversations. See, I knew it when I was a teenager and I'm rediscovering it now. "All you have to be by the age of 23 is yourself."

Well, I'm 24 now and I'm just learning how to live again.
 

Things have gotten insanely hard, and it's all brought on by me alone. Apparently, I'm tired of being content with just surviving, merely exsisting. All of a sudden, I want to actually live, not just exsist. I want to be an adult, move on with my life, grab the next adventure by the horns and ride it full-force till I get bored again. And when it all boils down, that is the only reason why I'm so stressed.

Full time school plus financial planning to get out of this town before it kills me. And my version of stress relife is beating up on the man who says he loves me.

I've had realizations. Realizations that most of the crap I've considered my flaws and have been trying to fix are not my flaws at all. I'm not the victim, I have never played victim. I am the recuer/persecuter just like my own mother, just liek the woman I have strived my entire life to not be like. I boost my own self-esteem by hanging myself above their heads, the "you would be nothing without me" idea and that is why all my relationships end, that's why they never last beyond 2 years. It doesn't take me long to make the switch from rescuer to persecuter and destory everything I touch.

It's going to change. It has to. I don't want to play this game anymore. I don't want to be "that bitch". I'm done.


-Nizza
 

You are the only man I want.

Godfucking damn it.

-Nizza

 

I keep vomitting. I keep having these crazy panic attacks and puking everywhere. They won't stop. What's wrong with me?

3 times yesterday, once today.

-Nizza
 

From Autumn to Ashes - Autumns Monologue


Oh why can't I be what you need?
A new improved version of me
But I'm nothing so good
No, I'm nothing
Just bones, a lonely ghost burning down songs
Of violence of love and of sorrow
I beg for just one more tomorrow
Where you hold me down, fold me in
Deep, deep, deep in the heart of your sins

I break in two over you, oh
I break in two
And each piece of me dies
And only you can give the breath of life
But you don't see me, you don't

Here I'm pinned between darkness and light
Bleached and blinded by these nights
Where I'm tossing and tortured 'til dawn
By you, visions of you then you're gone.
The shock bleeds the red from my face
When I hear someone's taken my place.
How could love be so thoughtless, so cruel?
When all, all that I did was for you

I break in two over you, oh
I break in two
And each piece of me dies
And only you can give the breath of life
But you don't see me, you don't ...
 

I'm doing alright. I'm getting by day by day. This breakup is kind of weird, like I'm really upset but it's a different kind of upset. Like if this was any other time with any other guy, I'd just be stopping the sobbing, the not talking to anyone, the unable to get out of bed. And by now I would be fine, stronger than ever in fact, out getting drunk and fucking unamed men to complete the breakup process, putting my final stamp of promisquity on it with a final kiss of good ridance.

But this is different. I cried for two days straight.... actually not even a full two days. From 10pm Thursday night till... till I got on the bus to go to school Saturday morning, with breaks in between to answer phone calls and convince my friends that I was perfectly fine considerign the circumstances. I cried again Sunday night, wrapped up in his jacket watching Edward Scissorhands half drunk and Monday was just full of exhausted sighs in place of an intense urge to just scream. The lack of motivation is apparent, my house is destroyed. The emotional eating is obvious, I just now stopped eating today... finally feeling full. I can't even think to fuck anyone else, or even look at another man. Even cyber sex to me has lost it's fun, becomming meaningless and mundane. Regardless if it's virtual or real right now all I want is to be held and loved on, but not just by anyone.

Ok I lied. I'm a mess. I don't know where I am or what I'm doing. I don't know who to trun to or where to run to. I don't know what to do think or say. He won't answer my texts, just calling me or msging me online whenever he needs soemone to talk to. That just makes me want to delete his number and stop answering his calls. Maybe if I make him dissappear from my life he'll dissappear from my head as well. Maybe I should just push with all the force left in me and make myself move on. Meh....

Today I walked the baby to daycare before heading over into town to school. She kept telling me that she didn't want to go. I dropped her off, giving her a tight hug and kiss and telling her it would be ok. As the teacher lead her over to the group, she looked back at me, her tiny face twisted as the tears welled up in her eyes. It killed me. The teacher told me to go on, it would be ok but then she said something that terrified me. She said she always gets like that when I leave... I'm not okay with that. My daughter is all that I have and I'm all she has. We don't have a big tight knit family or father's or anything really, just one another. I've never been away from my daughter as much as I am now and that already bothers me, but knowing she is miserable in a school she doesn't want to be at with kids she doesn't want to be with... well that just makes it worse. I almost turned around and went to pick her up, ditching school and everything just to go home and be with my baby. I mean what kind of damage will this cause in the long run? Having her mommy drop her off and hand her over to virtual strangers, even after she tells me repeatedly she doesn't want to go? I'm going to start looking for a new daycare center for her tonite when I get home. If my daughter isn't comfortable, neither am I.

It's only 11am and I am exhausted. 7am mornings come far to early and this depression isn't helping anything.

I can't wait to be in Austin. I'm done with this place. So done...

-Nizza
 

10pm last night it all ended. I stood with open arms and watched as all of my dreams and hopes and goals and fears and rebirth all just... slipped out of them.

He was my terminal illness but I didn't think it would ever end so soon.

And he never even read my poetry...

He never knew this blog even exsisted.

There is so much of me he never seen, he never got to know. And now there's no chance.

So I listen to sad love poetry spoken word and wait for Joshi to come pick me up to take me to get cold stone. I don't bother brushing my teeth or brushing my hair because honestly, I don't want anyone looking at me. This is me at my worse. I am pathetic.

I cry razorblades that cut at my cheeks, red lined incisions down the flesh that infect my every thought and suddenly it's not two weeks or two months or two years... it's "you will be in my heart forever."

I told him no man could ever compare to him... and he reminded me of Paul. and without saying a word he told me that he would never be able to measure up to Paul and I shouldn't even pretend he does but....

but little does he know....

So I'm speaking in short sentences. No rounded thoughts because everything feels so scattered. Not enough in one thought to form paragraphs. Just... words.

I can't lie. Deep down something tells me he will be back. Something tells me that as soon as he gets the chance he will show up on my doorstep and he will be back. And something tells me he will live and explore and grow and be and realize.... realize what he left back in Wheeling and how it's everything he could ever want and he will be back and I will be here still with open arms. Something tells me to wait... and keep waiting. And even if he never returns... something tells me the wait will be worth it.

You be my Spike and I'll be your Julia. You will forever live inside of me and I will be forever on the tip of your tongue.

You be the stars and I'll be the sky, I'll dim myself to let you shine even brighter than you ever thought you could.

I love you, and love doesn't just end, love doesn't just stop. Love is real and pure and true and love will still be the same come the end of time. I will love you beyond the end of time.

-Nizza
 

This past week or two has been crazy. Along with the whirlwind, spring has finally came and the snow has melted and the browns and dull greys are erupting into brilliant greens and everything is just so fresh, so alive. Remember "The Last Summer of My Youth"? Well this is officially the first summer of my adulthood.

I've reconnected with my old friends, and even gained a few new ones. I've gone on adventures and been making new memories, comming up with new stories to tell. Like yesterday spending 5 hours hiking through the woods on the old farm, covering ourselves in mud, making it thru with teamwork and walking sticks. Making memories to last a lifetime.

The boyfriend situation hasn't changed much, still a rocky swirling twisting road of never knowing what will be behind the next bend. I have accepted the fact that what we have is temporary, two wandering spirits who can never quite seem to get things right but are learning to enjoy the ride even if that ends up meaning not together. I still feel an insane amount of jealousy while watching him with other girls mainly because of the intense feelings of not being good enough for him and wanting to hold on to what we have so tightly.... but I know holding something too tightly is the quickest way to lose it and so...

He's my terminal illness.

It's like going to the doctor and finding out your sick but not knowing how sick. And after a few visits you're told that everything will end. And for a while you fight to take all the treatments and do all the things that will extend life. And you just stress yourself out, constant fighting, constant treatments, enough to make your hair fall out and finally... finally you get to the point and you just accept it. You accept that it all will end and instead of stressign yourself out you just let go and let God. You start living everyday to the fullest, doing all the things you've always wanted to do. Instead of simply surviving, finally you start actually living. You look your terminal illness in the eyes and you smile, and you actually appreciate it because you know it's making you exactly who you want to be regardless of the worry. And you still have fears, and you still cry sometimes in the face mortality but you are thankful for this chance, this opprotunity, this insanly enlightening since of devastating freedom.

If someone ever makes a movie about my life, it would be such an epic adventure.

-Nizza

 

In the midsts of this recent whirlwind I've been so desperatly seeking some kind of a solid ground of answers. I wanted definities, answers to all my problems and issues and questions. I wanted to be perfect and I wanted him to be perfect and I wanted the situation to be perfect and life to be like a 1950's tv show where things get hard but are solved and all the questions are answered and everything is fixed within half an hour minus the commercial breaks. And the lack of perfection caused a depressed pessimistic attitude from me and a drive to push everythign away because I know how imperfect I really am.

This morning I woke up to a new awakening. An awakening of a combination from the advice of all of my friends, Sno's drunken voice in my ear "don't fuck up." and the fact of something I have told my friends for YEARS, something I thought I knew but apparently had for gotten for a moment. Life is a journey, not a destination... Just hold on and enjoy the ride.

He. Is. Perfect. In every extent of the word, perfect. He is everything I could ever want, everything I could ever dream of. When I was like 12 and started thinking abotu the traits and characteristics I wanted in my perfect man, I never actually thought I would ever find it. When I had Paul, I thought that men could never be any more perfect then what he was. And after I lost Paul, I lost alot of faith in ever finding anyone who could ever even compare. I admit, I had lost alot of hope, and in and out of every relationship since then I just accepted that loss of hope, I just accepted my inner voice of "you don't diserve this or that" and "this is the best you will ever have". This.... this is so much different, this is liek the roller coaster I have never been on regardless of me riding all the other rides in the park and I'm blindfolded. Compeltley blindfolded. But the seat is comfy and the begining of the ride has been deathly terrifying but somehow more amazing in those few seconds of the ride than any other ride I have EVER been on.

I know that someday all of this will make sence, even if I still don't have the answers. I know I need to laugh at the confusion and chaos, and smile thru all the incertainties and tears. He took the biggest chance of all for me, gave up everything he had for me - and he really did have EVERYTHING. I think I'm in a whirlwind, but I know he took the biggest leap of faith. So now it's my turn, I'm going to close my eyes and just jump, head first. I'm goign to stop questioning, stop doubting and if i hit that cement face first and splatter onto the ground below, I'm going to smile behind the broken bones and taste the blood and I'm going ot know that the feeling of falling was well worth the pain in the end. I'm going to know that I will NEVER learn to fly if I don't just fucking jump and I'm going to know that I gave it everything I had, and I didnt hold back. I am going to fall with so much style and so much confidence that even if I don't fly, it will be the most beautiful free-fall anyone has ever seen. and I'm going to fucking enjoy EVERY second of it.

I don't know what's below me, and I don't know if it even matters. And right now, I don't care. I wont be the ship stuck in the harbor because I'm too afraid of sinking. I won't be the bird hopping around flailing because I'm to afraid of fallign to take the leap and fly. And I won't be the old woman on the park bench watching everyone in there twisted smiling screaming faces on the roller coasters wishing so bad that I could be as happy and excited as they are regardless of my fear of the tracks breaking or the cars flying off soemwhere in an explosion of uncertainties.

When it all comes down to it you just have to decide what's more important to you - either keeping your pride and having nothing or takign these chances and maybe, just maybe getting everything. Fuck the walls. Nobody said life was going to be easy, but best beleive I'm going to make it worth it. I'm going to dance in the rain and laugh my ass off when I piss my pants when the lightning scares me. I won't just exist, I'm going to fucking live. My heart will win another battle regardless of the outcome of the war. I know no matter how much I try to better myself and fix myself, I will ebver be perfect. Somethign will always be wrong, parts of me will always be broken but soemtimes, sometimes those flaws in things make that thign worth having. Sometimes it's those flaws that make it priceless. Well I'm goign to be one of those things, I'm going ot be fucking priceless. My hair will be a mess, my breath will stink, I'm goign ot be fat and insecure and awkward and my skin will always be sensitive and my fresh tattoos will get infected and I will fart in my sleep and Ill drink milk regardless of being lactose intolerant and I will be jealous over texts and I will spend nights just wanting to wrap myself up in his arms and not give a shit about sex because all i really crave is intimacy - and I will be priceless. Not worthless. Priceless.

I'm going to lose control and get carried away. I'm not just going to shoot for the moon, but for the universes so far away that they haven't even discovered yet and even if I fail, I'll know the adventure was worth it. I'm going to let him turn my world upside down, and instead of fighting against this tornado I'm going to lay back with my twisted smiling face and scream....

"WWWWWWWWWWWWWWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"


-Nizza
 

I wish I had someone to talk to. Like, someone I could be completley honest with about the recent events happening in my life. I feel this depression hitting and it's comming fast and it's comming hard and I can't talk about it with anyone because noone really knows exactly what is going on with me right now. It's like a whirlwind of thoughts and events going crazy in my brain and I keep reaching out for something, someone stable to hold on to to keep me grounded, to just listen as I cry.

I don't need "I told you so"'s or "you should have known"s. I don't want to hear it because I'm hearing it enough in my own brain. I just want someone to listen and run there fingers thru my hair and tell me "Everything will be alright." and mean it. I can't even talk about what's going on here in this blog because I realize how many people read it just to keep up with me and my life. I mean, that's flattering and all, and I thank all of you who do take the time to read my crap... I just... I don't know. I'm just reminded why I made my "no secrets, no lies" motto in the first place, because as soon as I feel I need to hide something this happens... the depression... the self-loathing... the worthless thoughts.

Fuck. I feel so worthless. And ugly. My insecurities are bubbling out of me like a shooken Dr. Pepper straight from the vending machine when you open it just craving a taste, wanting it to be so good, and all it does is explode all over you and leaves you sticky and disappointed.

I haven't felt so insecure, so ugly, since I was 175 lbs in 5th grade with D size tits and a body built like a grown black womans with too much grease in my untamed hair while all my friends were tiny skinny little blonde haired white girls who had barely even started there periods. I hate that place, and I hate when my mind goes back there... and it hasnt gone back there until now. It's like everything I worked for this past year to make myself grow and accept myself more and love myself more is now all shot to shit. Like within a week, it all shoots to shit. And why?

He's amazing. Absolutley amazing. Sexy as fuck, everything I could ever want in a man. The kind of man I would gladly serve and follow and proudly be "my man's woman" to. He's more responsible then the 30 year olds I have dated, sweeter than anyone I've ever been with, and more demanding and dominant than any Master I have ever had (minus Anti but that's besides the point). And I... well that kills me simply because I know he is out of my league and I don't diserve him... not at all. He is everything I can never have and everything I could ever want. He makes me speechless. Words vanish in my brain when he speaks to me and the poetic form and guru like advice just turn to steam when I look at him. With him, I will either strive hard for greatness just to feel any kind of equality to him, or I will simply give up like I ussually do - shave my head, not shower, and push him away so hard that it will become impossible for him to stay with me. I hate reality.

He tries so hard to 'connect' with me and I... I have fortified the walls of stone. I refuse to discuss my feelings, I have blocked out the sweet, caring, sensitive receptors and only pick up the negatives. He smiles at me, full face smiles with his eyes and mouth and I smile lies back at him, fake smiles plastic enough to be painted on. He notices the sadness and tries to get me to talk to him... and I just say "nothing..." Abandonment issues, Daddy issues, and a victim syndrome I used to deny having convincing myself I had fixed that part of me... yeah apparently not. Please tell me why I loved him the most when he spit in my face, pissed on me, and called me a two-bit nigger? Please tell me why when he wraps his arms around me and sings my favorite songs to me in my ear and showers me in sweetness I numb myself? I knew I wasn't ready for a relationship... And at this rate I don't think I'll ever be.

I know he will leave, not just this town but me. I know this is only temporary. I know he will find something, someone so much better... someone who really diserves him. How do you open up and give your heart to someone that you know will leave? The problem is I always think everyone is going to leave... Is this reality I hate or just my warped version of it? What am I supposed to do to fix it?

I wish there was a guidebook for this shit. A 'Dummy's guide to Relationship Issues' that's based on those of us who are completley fucked in the head. The worse part is, most of the time, I think I'm getting better, I think I'll be okay and that I'm working on it and one day soon I'll be fine... and then this happens and I start to panic, wondering if I'll just be this fucked up forever, wondering if this will ever change or is this just the way I'm always going to be? Can I bear it if this is just how I'm always going to be? Can I live the rest of my life alone like this? I have my daughter and my dogs, can I make that enough?

So much for the spring... and the snow is barely even melted.

-Nizza
 

...I'm exhausted and smiling from ear to ear. Last night while I was on the phone with Stephen, he apparently was packing his things to come up to WV to see me. He drove all night and now... he's here. I'm in a whirlwind right now. I don't even know what to say about the whole situation. I didn't expect him to show up this soon, figured I'd have more time to prepare myself. Apparently not.

It's like this guy comes in my life and in a few simple words turns my entire world upside down. And everyday up to this point it's like he spins it and twisits and turns it while it's all upside down until now, when I'm caught in this upside down tornado of uncertainties and all I have to rely on is the fact that I'm certain that I really really like him...

I'm not sure if I'm dizzy from the mental exhaustion or from the tornado... or a combination of the both. Either way, I'm opening a new chapter. Wish me luck.


-Nizza
 

He swept into my life on the steam of poets' breath
Like the final fill of the template I had built of a man when I was 13,
the sanctuary of security with the pews of uncertainty
in my quest for God in this frozen tundra of
lust, prayers, and desperate self-analyzing.
He swept in on a whirlwind of sleepless nights
failing equiliberians and depth perception making this fall seem safe
like there is no cemment ground to bash ourselves upon.
And flying instead of falling seems failproof.
I realize I forgot to remember the power of fate
being carried on a faint hint that the only destiny is the one we create for ourselves but...
But I'm flung back into the fairy tale fantasies I beleived to be true when I was 7
with a passion for real love and real magic and real...
real everything.
His words become my paintbrush dragging and pushing hues of green immortality
and silver heart throbs and the red strokes of raw passion.

He swept in covered by a soft fur under a soft light and I...
Well, there are some forces that even I can't stop.

-Nizza