So, on Monday, my first novel gets published. It isn't the first novel I have written, but it is the first to see printed and bound form. Woohooo!!!!

I have to attend the launch Monday, so that is cool. It isn't a big launch, but who cares at this point? I'm officially in book form.

There is no description with the cover at the store below, so I will give one here.

Twelve year old Bradley McCormack hides from his parents ugly separation by reading fantasy novels. Despite dreaming of being the big hero who saves the world, when a portal opens up in his room to deposit an apprentice wizard in his bedroom, Bradley is not at all sure he wants the job. Through a whirlwind of events, Bradley goes from being celebrity and favorite of the queen to being a wanted fugitive. Only when things become truly dark does Bradley discover whether or not he has what it takes to tame dragons.

http://www.wynter.ca/wtstore.htm
 

Probably not so that psychiatric help is needed, but still, paranoid just the same. If I send an email and it isn't answered, the person must be mad at me. LOL I need to chill.

I spent the day working on writing things, if not actually writing my novel. I am teaching a few courses at the A-1 Academy this term, and am getting the prep stuff ready. I figured the best way to inspire myself to write is to surround myself with writing... so... here we go.

Now it is late and I need sleep. *yawn*
 

This is getting to be a freaky habit. LOL I think I am finally on track with Chapter Four of Song of Fear. It has been driving me nuts my entire life... or at least it seems like it. I had it too much action-centric, and it needed to become more character-centric. Of course, I know this, but sometimes the obvious takes a while to find.

I am feeling a little better about things the last day or two, writing does help. Makes me feel like I am doing something to get myself and Gary out of this disaster area. I need to do more concrete things that might have better chances of paying off, but this is a start.
 

reading other people's blogs. I had done that for a long time, but recently started looking at one. LOL They drive me nuts. What is written there is usually done so with partial info at best, and it is always just enough for me to have no idea what is going on. I always get the wrong idea of what is happening, and then I either worry or celebrate for no reason. So that's it... no more blogs. Except mine which will be full of partial information and confusing stuff, so don't read it. It will only drive you mad.
 

Yep, I went and did it. Not without reservations and not without panic... but I hear these are usual in brides-to-be. Twenty minutes before I had to arrive at the lakeshore to get married, I was in tears. LOL There was no way I was going to get married. No way. They couldn't make me.

Of course, the days leading up to the wedding, I spent in a funk because of the pressure of the ever-mounting preparations and the fact that I had kind of an emotional lob tossed at me. But that funk became freak.

However, I got over it, picked up my simple bouquet of three blue roses, got in the van and headed out. Everything from there was perfection. It was a gorgeous day, Mom's convoluted and infuriating plans turned out wonderfully... it was an amazing day.

So, here I am, just over two weeks later, Mrs. Kim Bradshaw... I am keeping my name. I am happy for the most part... as it should be with life. There really hasn't been any change in life... we couldn't afford a honeymoon, so came home and went back to work.

All in all... it's a good thing.
 

Yep. I am alive, just crazy busy trying to earn enough money and whip the man into sufficient shape to get married. LOL Okay... maybe not so much the last.

I am working at painting, editing, making tiny saddles, etc. But I also have been writing a little here and there.

There really isn't much to report as life goes on in one crazy, hurried haze. Hope all are well. Will report later if things happen.
 

For a couple of days now I have been thinking that I should leave a message letting all my WDC friends know that I am still alive.

Well, I am, and more than that, this afternoon, the man in my life asked if I would let him become my man for the rest of my life and I agreed.

So, I am officially engaged. It's weird, I never thought that this would be something I would do. But, here I am... weird.

Hope everyone is doing well. I will be back on WDC much more in the new year. Lots of work going on right now... lots of adjusting to life. See you later.
 

I have been asked to write my top ten fears and why i want to defeat them, or not defeat them if that is the case. So here they are in no particular order:

1)Fear of rejection: i want to face this one and work though it for a lot of resons but mostly because i want to hae a strong enough core to withstand people leaving me. I want to believe through and through that i am beautiful and worthy and lovable no matter what.

2)Fear of trusting people: i so want to be able to turn my heart over. i want to be able to draw someone close and trust that my body, heart and spirit are safe with them. i want to believe that people won't hurt me... really believe it.

3)Fear of vulnerability: This is a little differetnt than fearing that i can't trust others... because this one is about being afraid to trust myself. To trust that i can make good decisions... that i can trust my heart when it sees someone and loses its head completely as it has so recently.

4)Fear of sexual intimacy: haven't had the best track record in this area... my boyfriend shattered any confidence i had as a virgin... nothing i did was any good... just interesting or okay... and i was all icky and girlish... :( not my fault that i get really wet, is it? i thought guys liked that... Anyway, would like to work through this and feel confident, sexy, able to please... want to be a lady everywhere else and a talented slut in the bedroom. lol

5) That no one will really ever love me... all of me and cherish me. No one ever has... and maybe the thing is that i have to get over not wanting to be alone and let go of beinf loved. Maybe that is the key to this one.

6) The fear that i am broken: that in ways both emotional and sexual, the years of abuse have ruined me for any sort of normal life and normal relaionships. Mike shattered my confidence, made me feel even more broken... even more useless as a lover... i want to feel like i am whole and functional.
 

online... LOL Too bad once people start to see beneath that... they realize that I am incredibly complex... not complicated mind you, but complex... and that scares them. lol
 

Just when I think that I am cool... I am okay with who I am and as okay as I can be with how I look... I find out that I am not as okay as I thought.

*takes deep breath* Is it unreasonable to predict future behaviour based on past behaviour? If every single man who has seen me has rejected me, is it unreasonable to believe that will be the trend into the future? I don't think so... that is how humans live... we learn from the past and use it to inform our future actions.

Even the ones who promised not to hurt me, who promised to look after me have run for the hills... what is a girl to do other than just stop letting them in.