Well I saw my partner last night for the talk. I went feeling nervous and unsure of what was going to happen. We talked and came to the conclusion that we were both very different people and that we'd be friends. But then, all of a sudden, he's promising that he's going to change and that he'll start pushing past his anxiety so we can be a couple and go out and do normal things. He's promised me all of the things I've needed for such a long time. It felt so nice to hear him say it all. I've wanted it for so long. But I feel like I'm a little doubtful, because I've heard it all before and it hasn't happened yet. But, I've decided to give him the benefit of the doubt and I'll just take a step back and watch that space I think.
 

Right now I feel totally listless. I'm finally getting over the virus that had me ill for over two weeks. I'm still not 100% but I'm definately getting there and getting back on track. On top of that I was made redundant on the 20th January. My contract ended and because I've been ill I haven't been able to job search. I hate not being in work. I feel like I'm sitting around in the house all day and I hate doing that, I'm so bored. I found a couple of things so I'm busy filling out a couple of job application forms but it's slow going.

But the thing that's really got me, I'm not sure whether I'm still in a relationship or not. My boyfriend texted me on Saturday afternoon saying he was having doubts about our relationship. I rang him later on and he basically ranted at me for twenty minutes saying I'm never there, I'm a part time girlfriend, I'm not supportive and that he wasn't happy. He ended the call telling me it was over. So of course I was sad and in shock. But I left it at that. Then on Sunday night he texted me, annoyed that I hadn't gone running over there to try and sort things out. And while I hate feeling like I'm stuck in this limbo, I'm not going running to him. He said he was breaking up with me. He said I wasn't the one for him and that basically I'm a bad girlfriend. Why would I go running?! So we haven't spoken since and I'm not sure what's going on. It's really messing with my head.
 

Well my graduation on Thursday went better than expected. I was more anxious about getting there and getting everything sorted in time for the ceremony to start. Of course we all managed it without any problem and I even found myself brimming with excitement at one point when I met up with several of the other people I did the course with. It was nice to see everyone again and the ceremony itself went really well, the Chancellor giving a lovely speech in which he likened himself to Harry Potter. It felt amusing. I shook his hand on the stage while being videoed without tripping up or making a fool of myself and I clapped for all of the others who did the same. Passing my Masters degree has been one of my biggest achievements, so far. It took a lot of hard work and toil to get through it, certainly while working at the same time and trying to maintain the normalcy of a social life, but I did it, along with my colleage Pip. We made it together. She is one of the reasons I knew I made it through. She's been a rock the whole time, being someone to bounce ideas off, someone who listened, someone to travel with, and most of all, a great friend. I think you know when you make friends for life and she is certainly one of those.

Now... this is my next hurdle. What am I going to do now? I got told a week ago that my temporary contract with the local Council was ending. So after next Friday I'm jobless. In some ways it feels kind of nice to know that I might have a little bit of time off but the other half of me is screaming to get job hunting and get a job, no matter waht. I know that in terms of practicality I will have to get a job and I don't begrudge that, I want to be employed and pay my own way, but I'm worried it might take me a while to find something, especially at this point with all of the cuts being made in the UK job industry. I have just graduated with a Masters in youth and community work and the Government has decided it's not a particularly worthy industry and it's being cut from the public spending which means the chance of me getting a job doing something I've worked for and I really love, is quite low. But nevertheless, I'm not done yet and I'm going to try as hard as possible to get there. I know I will, it's just a matter of time I think!

So today, I'm taking my partner out for something to eat as it was his birthday on Thursday and because of the ceremony he didn't get much attention. So his choice of restaurant it is. Then I'm taking him to the aircraft museum over the water to do a ghost hunt with the guys tonight. He's quite excited! It's not really my kind of thing so being taxi driver gets me out of it in a way! I think apart from this I have found several jobs so hopefully I'll be reading and filling out application forms.

Wish me luck!
 

Well it's my Graduation today. Something I've been really worried and anxious about for about a week. It feels like a rite of passage almost, that without doing it my degree is not complete. And I suppose this is why I'm doing it. But otherwise, I don't think I would have. I've graduated before and yes it was nice but it wasn't needed. Saying that, I'm not an anxious as I have been (though I've already changed my outfit several times and checked my bag to make sure I've got everything!). Maybe I'll enjoy it more than I thought I would. Wish me luck!
 

I've finally finished working on my story. I'm so proud of myself!! I often find, particularly when writing something longer, that I get stuck on some little detail and give up or don't find the time to write and the idea fades. But I've made time for this and I really wanted to write it. I'm so glad to have finished it and excited to make it public here! I just really hope it gets some reads, it's quite a lengthy piece!

ID: 1837729   (Rated: 13+) The Door  I hated the door from the minute we moved in... by blue jellybaby

The weather over here in the UK has been appalling the last few days. We've had high winds and heavy rain. And I'm sick of it! Small rant over.

Last night I spent my night catching up on all those things I'd missed since my sister and nephew had begun camping out in my room. It included all of those dull chores including washing the sheets and hoovering. But I also got to do some fun things like taking my tea to make some tea, sending out a couple of reviews, catching up with my scrapbook and reading. I loved my night last night.

Tonight I've been to the cinema with my friend and several of each of our family members (all female!) to watch New Year's Eve. And I have to say, although it was one of those cliched movies and you could see what was coming around the corner, I really enjoyed. Then, off back to my aunty's for a cuppa and a well needed rant about certain issues before coming home. And here I sit now, listening to the rain hammer my window, the wind billowing fiercely even as I sit curled in my pjs. Aaaaaah, bliss!

I've been working on something new the past couple of days. An image came to me, flickered in my mind as I woke from a restless sleep on my last night of being a nomad. Cast out from my own home (hehe) I was staying with my Aunt who lives up the road from us. The image I saw as she knocked on the door to make sure I was awake ready to work (bless her heart) was of a tall door, a patterned mosaic adorning it. I could see lots of blues and darker shades of blues. And while I cannot explain the rest of the dream (for I do not know it) the door scared me. And so I am writing about, the door. I thought that it might be a short story, maybe a little longer than my usual items. But at the minute, it's turning out to be quite the monster! It keeps growing and growing. I can't help but write and I love it! I think I'm almost finished and will keep going until I do.

The whole situation you may have read about earlier in my journal. Well. It's not over, not exactly. But not more has occured either. It's still hanging over my head and I'm still wondering if I should have acted differently about the whole situation. But that could have blown up in everyone's face. I'm still not happy with it though. I don't feel comfortable being around it or talking about it, or even being with the people involved. It's all a little bit too much for me. It makes me insanely uncomfortable, worse than I have been in a long time. I've told my partner about that but I don't think he quite gets it. But there are also other things going on around the situation which are only serving to exacerbate and make everyone angry and rant. I don't want to be in that atmosphere, it's negative and damaging. Very damaging. I can feel it's effect on me. But how, how can I say no?
 

I have two things on my midn right now. One is editing the contest entry I wrote for the Bad moon Rising contest by Horror Inc. I wrote something a while ago and hadn't looked at it again (although I knew I needed to!) but recently I received a review on this piece that although was a lower rating gave me a lot of good advice and still left me feeling positive about it. But it's encouraged me to look back and take those suggestions on board and indeed begin the edit before the due date!

The second is travelling. At the moment I'm staying with my aunty due to lack of space at our house. My sister and my nephew are staying at home with my parents because my brother-in-law is ill with an infectious illness. He's on the mend but she's been with us for near a week now. Who knew babies were so tiring?! But anyway, I've been sitting here talking to my aunty about my travels (while drinking copious amounts of gin on a school night) and it's really motivated me to think about it again. I really want to start considering the dates I want to go away and contact my advisor about flights. I want to book it so I know for definate that I'm going! I'm excited but anxious at the same time but I want to go, I don't want this dream to fade away and I want to make it concreate. Tomorrow night this will be my endeavour, to edit my story as well as planning travelling again!
 

So it's the new year. I had a really quiet New Year's Eve spent with my family with a curry in front of the television. It was nice and I was where I wanted to be. I made myself quite a few New Year's resolutions this year:

To find myself a job. Although I'm working it's temporary. I want to find work somewhere permanent doing something I love.
To exercise more. While I don't think I'm overweight or anything I don't feel healthy, so my friend and I have vowed this one together.
In addition to exercise, I want to eat more healthily. Making sure I try to get my five a day as much as possible and not eating as many bad things!
To write more. I really want to get back into writing, it's something I enjoy and I want to give myself time to enjoy it properly.
To read more. I love reading. I always have and always will. I want to allow myself more time to read and enjoy it.
I want to save money. I want to go travelling in 2013 so I want to save my money, work out a budget etc.
A little personal resolution I have to myself is not to let people walk all over me. I don't think I do a lot, but I know that when it comes to certain people I find it easier to forgoe what I want in favour of what they want, often to save arguments or just because it's easier. I don't think I should have to and I won't do it anymore. I think this one is going to be the hardest one to keep to, especially when it comes to certain people.

So new year, new start. I'm looking forward to it and hope that 2012 is going to be a good year.
 

Well things seemed to calm down a bit after the latest dark revelation. At least I thought so. Christmas Eve was a little awkward but I got through it and had a fab few days with my family, being entirely spoilt in the process. And then, it started again. It started with a conversation talking about it. I want it to lie. I don't want to talk about it anymore. Especially with them. But it's them who want to talk, it's their problem; how can I say I don't want to hear? How can I walk away and not listen? I can't. I have to stand there and pretend that I'm interested, pretend I want to hear and when they ask for my opinion I try to mumble and move my head a little. Yeah, that's right. I try not to answer. Because I feel so uncomfortable. I hate feeling like that. And going there these days always makes me feel like that. I've contemplated the idea of not going there, of ignoring the whole thing, of not having to talk about it and feel uncomfortable. But I can't do that. How would it look? Awful, that's how. But it's a self perpetuating nightmare that I want out of. Now.
 

You know when you have one of those days when everything is actually going swimmingly and then all of a sudden..... your world comes crashing down around you? I had some really awful news today, something I can't really share with anyone and it's eating me alive. All day at work it's all I've been able to think of, the thoughts spinning in my head as I tried to focus on the tasks at hand. And I need to talk so bad, need to get it out and seek advice but I can't