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| >> Book >> Personal >> ID #1523686 |
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| Many thanks to iKïyå§ama A huge thank you to Gabriella It was a simple crack of an ancient fortune cookie that sparked the courage to keep writing on the eve of the new year. This is a test to see what a tiny slip of white paper can do for someone who was ready to hand in the towel, allowing every self-doubt and negative thought to take control. May this mark a beginning; a fresh start for the potential of something messy, dented around the edges, and absolutely all mine. Here's to blogging in 2011 (and 2012). ![]() ![]() |
| 63. Even If It Kills Me | ID #748148 |
| Posted: 3-2-2012 @ 6:04 am EST | |
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There is an English paper I'm in the midst of writing that will probably be the death of me. For some reason I cannot write the damn thing. Being that I consider myself a writer, this has an extra dose of shame added to the already late pages. Over the past several days I've been trying to figure out what my problem is. My research is done. The topic is something I'm interested in. I've written longer, more tedious papers in the past. Why, oh why, can't I get this albatross off my shoulders? Today is the last day I can get this damn this in without completely shredding my final grade. So I will get it down and hand it in no matter what happens. This will not be the end of me. When I finally collapse under the stressful situation I've created all by myself, it will be on my own damn terms, not an English paper. See how my apathy has changed? Apathy to arrogance with a nice dash of self-preservation. Talking with my friend M back in Orange County, I realized that mental deterioration seems to be contagious. She's off to DC in a month, so the end of her quarter means freedom. Everything else in her way, like her current classes, will be carnage in her wake. Same thing is happening with my guy. He's one of the most dedicated students to his craft, yet no matter how he tries to get to his exams, nature seems to get in the way. Frustration ensues. Anger comes next. Apathy sets up house. Arrogance seems to be the next step -- a brutal and blunt approach to survival. Well, back to writing that damn paper. I'm going old school to reduce the urge to internet surf. Motto of the day: "_____ even if it kills me." Try it and see what happens. "Us of Lesser Gods" -- Flogging Molly |
| 62. the Ides of March | ID #748092 |
| Posted: 3-1-2012 @ 4:58 am EST | |
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Technically, the Ides of March isn't until the 15th, but given the last couple of days, I thought I would trot out the idea right early. A warning, if you will, for the possibility my head may explode sometime this month. Yes, I can tell that this is going to be one of those months that I will look back on in five years and wonder where the hell I went wrong. I'm behind on everything. No surprise. Seven classes is a bad idea for anyone, but seems to be a horrific idea for someone with a severe case of insomnia. Even worse, I am not alone. How many of us here on WDC are completely lacking in the sleep department? Here's the problem: I don't seem to care anymore that I'm so far behind. My mind has reached its maximum saturation point. Apathy has become my friend. We are bosom buddies now. Yet, with all the apathy I have, a plan has been formed. The quarter is almost over. I'm going to drop my March class at Saddleback and take only one class at Whatcom come spring. Will that put me behind? Absolutely. But I do not care anymore. After putting the hammer down for so many years, I've finally hit the point where running away seems like a fantastic idea. So fantastic, the realization that I could really just let everything go makes me giddy. So I'll just keep moving forward at a slower pace, turtle-style. Everything and everyone can go bite me. (Not anyone here, this is mostly advisers and family; who am I kidding, my family will be the biggest aggressors in this battle.) A great deal of this has to do with my upstairs neighbors. They're noisy bastards. I mean, all day and all night, scream fests. They walk like giants because they could care less who lives beneath them. We have two confrontations. Polite, but strident. The lady of the house told me in so many words that she was going to do bad all by herself. The manager is going to get involved soon, although my faith in him is waning. Between the addicts and noise mongers, the threshold is kaput. Signs, I tell you. These are all signs that I need to move on. Or get a new brain. Or better yet, a lifetime vacation. "Old Number Seven" -- the Devil Makes Three |
| 61. Huh? It's February? | ID #746664 |
| Posted: 2-8-2012 @ 8:04 pm EST Edited: 2-24-2012 @ 6:11 am EST | |
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"Attaboy" -- The Goat Road Sessions |
| 60. Day Seventeen: Counting Days | ID #744796 |
| Posted: 1-17-2012 @ 11:48 pm EST Edited: 2-24-2012 @ 6:24 am EST | |
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"30-Day Blogging Challenge" |
| 59. Day Sixteen: A Day Unknowing | ID #744456 |
| Posted: 1-16-2012 @ 11:48 pm EST | |
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"30-Day Blogging Challenge" I pulled at the tiny crinkles next to my eyes, their shade a lighter, deeper golden brown. Every strand of black hair had turned into a curl of dove grey. I twist it around my finger. It bounces a little as I pull my finger away. More curl, less frizz. Who ever thought that would happen? The smile in the mirror is less cynical than usual, but there is still small slant of sarcasm. I'm glad it's still here. Reminds me of who am still partially me. There is a knock on the door. The dull orange paint flakes away from the frame with the force. Such an odd choice for a hotel door. "Who is it?" The question is raspy, deeper. Like smoke trapped in a clear glass. "Umm...Dr. Harkness?" He had a young man's voice, barely broken into the prime of life. "There was a package left for you at the door." I open the door. The silk robe over my shoulders billows with the new found. It's the reason I hate silk. Too slippery. Too delicate. Too easily torn. The bellboy looks frighten at my appearance. He smiles slightly. I try to give him one back, but only serves to frighten him more. I grab the white box - "Dr. Jacklyn Harkness" sketched over the top. It's not my name. But the boy seems to think otherwise. I grab the cookie I found of the dresser and handed it to him before shutting the door in his face. There are no sharp implements in the room. The wallet I've been too scared to look at sits idly on the dresser next to where the cookie once sat. I open it now, looking for any means of cutting through tape. The ID inside shows a picture of me in my altered state. The name reads "Tosh Tam". I rolled the name off my tongue. It was too foreign, too new to be real. The plastic of the ID cuts through the box tape with easy. Inside white box sat a brown one, also taped to the gills. There more and more boxes. Black. Blue. Red. Aubergine. Finally, the last box, no bigger than my palm. I pull the forest green velvet ribbon from the bow and let it fall onto the comforter. Inside, nestled in a bundle of cotton balls, was a scarred medical bracelet and folded crane paper in origami. The medical bracelet fight well. The cool metal was nice against my skin. I ran my fingers over the engravings. This was my name. My true name. The name I could aloud over and over, and it would never grow old. The note on crane paper was not as joyous, the words running through my brain over and over. Next time, sweet. The words were as bitter as the realization was sweet. For the next time could always be better. |
| 58. Day Fifteen: Zombies and the House of the Rising Sun | ID #744362 |
| Posted: 1-15-2012 @ 11:16 pm EST | |
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"30-Day Blogging Challenge" |
| 57. Day Fourteen: the Misunderstood | ID #744278 |
| Posted: 1-14-2012 @ 11:37 pm EST | |
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"30-Day Blogging Challenge" |
| 56. Day Twelve: | ID #744072 |
| Posted: 1-12-2012 @ 11:01 pm EST | |
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"30-Day Blogging Challenge" |
| 55. Day Eleven: Where is The Doctor when you need him? | ID #744004 |
| Posted: 1-11-2012 @ 11:24 pm EST | |
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"30-Day Blogging Challenge" |
| 54. Day Eight: Strengths & Weaknesses | ID #743762 |
| Posted: 1-8-2012 @ 9:30 pm EST | |
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"30-Day Blogging Challenge" |