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Cinderella Lied Snow White Died
Being a dreamer I always wanted the fairy tale - Now it is just one day at a time |
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Cinderella Lied - Snow White Died Welcome to my world…It may not be much but it is all I got.   Despite some of my more trying times I have to say that I really do love my world. I have many blessing and for each I really am grateful. If you were to ask me is there anything that I would go back and change in my life – I would have to say – no not really. I may not be proud of everything that I have said and done, in fact I might be quite sorry about a few things but when all is said and done in the end – Everything happens for a reason, and everything combined has made me who I am today. I must tell you all that I have a disease. It is not contagious by any means but it has been know to be a little damaging. I have named it head to mouth disease. For some reason or another if something pops into my head it slides right out of my mouth. I mean no ill intentions, like I said I have a disease. With this condition come brutal honesty, sarcasm and bluntness. Once you can see past all that you will find that I do have a big heart. In fact I think it is a bit bigger than my mind. I seem to follow my heart and emotions than my head. Most of my writings follow the same path. My writings are one way for me to express myself with out my disease being as noticeable. Feel free to take a look and comment – I appreciate brutal honesty. I know where it comes from. I was once told – “It is the ones that speak their mind aloud; you do not have to worry about as you always will know where you stand with them. It is the ones that are quiet that you should keep both your eyes on - because you never know what they are thinking.” Some people think I have issues but I think I have opinions. |
| Feeling It |
| This has really been one hell of a year.... I really dont know what to say anymore My boss contacted me cuz she needed a shoulder to cry on, which I am always there for. But she was hoping I could give her some tidbit of news that I could not. I feel bad for it but I cannot do it. Her mother found a lump just before mothers day. She is in the same boat I was a couple of months ago. I know how she is feeling, I can just imagine all the thoughts going through her head right now while waiting for results. But I can not give my boss the words she wants to hear. When I moved down here, finding friends was a little different then it has ever been in my life. Being from the big city you were always meeting new people from all different wakes of life. You had friends for this part of your life friends for that and then you had those close friends that always remained in your life no matter what. Down here because of the small communities everyone had their own click so to speak. Trying to get into those moulds was not a welcoming feat. Sure I had my cousin introduce me to many people but there was never that bond of hey how is it going. I really dont have much in common with the women down here. The men are easier to get along with and there are a few that I do enjoy talking to but to break it down The women have a common game they like to play (yes I know this happens every where) but I am not into the game. When I get together with friends and acquaintances I would rather find out what is new in their life. I really dont want to sit over coffee and break down the men in our lives. I have sat in on a few of these so called chats and I feel lost. I like Norm. I feel lucky to be with him. He does things for me that not many men have ever thought of doing. He still opens doors for me (including the car door) he kisses me every morning before he leaves for work, he texts me every day during his lunch break at work, he kisses me when he gets home. Sure there are somethings that drive me nuts none of us are perfect. But when I break it down I like being with him. I know he comes home to me, he does not drink in excess, and he does not beat me. So if you want to talk about who and how we can beat our men up when they are not there to defend themselves, sorry I will enjoy my coffee and just laugh at you all. Then there are the men - they are boys in alot of ways. They are still doing the childish little pranks on each other. They still have those little who can outdo who competitions but they are fun. The only part that stops me from hanging out with them is they do drink in excess. I have many personal issues with that one being my ex husband was a drinker and that never ended up in a good situation with us, no they are not like him but I am still on guard. l have also been hit by a drunk driver so my fears of the drinking thing are increased. Now I know I have just not met the right people for me when I talk about them. But they are all good people and I like them all for who they are. Each one offers something that you can never get from anyone else. I would trust my life with them all. Then there was Tammy. She and I were introduced and we hit it off right away. She walked to her own beat, very unique in style and appearance. We hit it off, great. Then our introduction to each other was just enforced when I went to Taylers hockey game and found out that her son and Tayler were best friends. I considered her my first real friend down here. I was taken aback when Tayler came to me and his dad a week before mothers day two days after his best friends birthday to tell me that Tammy past away. My heart went to my friends boy instantly. He is still a child in need of his mother. Sixteen years old and left to deal with that. The funeral was beautiful if you can even think of such things together. I am still wrapping my head around the whole thing. She was only forty two years old, and a heart attack. From here it can only get better. One step forward and baby steps all the time. On a brighter note I will be starting back at work next week, right after the holiday. This is going to be fun. No one has been doing my work while I was gone. So I have a couple of weeks of catch up before the fury breaks loose in the office which is usually about the second week of June. Let the games begin. |
| Another Day Done |
| Well Saturday is here and saturday is pretty much gone. Not much accomplished and yet quite a bit has been done. It was raining all day so not much of the outside stuff got done that is on my list but alot of things in the house seem to have gotten done. Right now we are waiting on the dinner that we seen in the Kraft recipe book. It smells good and the pictures looked good so here is hoping. Hockey is still going strong in this house and they are waiting for the next game to start. Norms and my team are out of the play offs but we are watching steadily because we really do not want Ottawa to win. Sad to say I would rather it go to an american team than have them carry a cup. Detroit got the boot so that team is now gone. Boston is still in there. But for the record lets say - GO TORONTO GO.... I have lost my inspiration for writing. I am hoping as I come on here every day that I will read some story or poem and then inspiration will come Cant think brain numb Inspiration wont come Bad Ink poor pen Thats all - Amen Here is hoping that tomorrow brings the sun, inspiration and good health. |
| Still going day to day |
| Well I went and seen the surgeon. Good news. I have what was once known as Fibrocystic breast disease. The doctor that I did see calls it Fibrocystic changes. Most women go through it. Some just worse than others. Here is the twist with me -- When I say that most women go through this it is usually during their cycle. Symptoms showing during the whole PMS thing. Cravings such as chocolate and coffee etc. The kicker is that chocolate and caffeine are triggers. Well the one medication that I take is made up of caffeine. Considering that we have been experimenting with the combinations of medications to see what works this all makes a lot more sense. I started feeling the pain about six months into the combination of meds. Thinking that the pain would go away I continued the next three months of refills. Nine months into my system. The increase of the everything just seemed to trigger it. It could go away tomorrow morning but then it could last for a long time. Well I think it has lasted long enough. Time to go. Yesterday I tried to limit the medication in my body but that did not work. I ended up barely moving so I am going to be left with the other option. Limiting my coffee intake. Chocolate is not a big deal I can cut that back. But the cups of java. Oh I feel sorry for my family. Well now that I am down with the whole doctor thing and just living with another source of pain, I am going to have to give some thought to returning to work. I am not sure I want to. I like being home for many reason then there is the other side that thinks go back Lisa you need to get out. Maybe a change of work places. That would mean update my resume. Oh what way do I want to go. I will take a few days and think about it. The past few days have been really nice out and I want to enjoy them while they are here but the mobility thing is hindering my progress. Being out in the country I should be able to enjoy the fresh air it should not be a feat to get there. Here is hoping tomorrow is a better day. |
| Nerves |
| Well tomorrow I go see the surgeon and I am wide awake. I know it is still early but I have no indication of being remotely tired. I am a ball of nerves. It is just a consultation but it still has me going. When I first signed up for Facebook I was amazed that I could catch up with people I have not seen in years. Then I could see who got fat, who became a success and who karma visited. I admit the sadistic side of me was out. There was always the what ever happened to so and so. Did I do the right thing when I dropped what was his name etc. I grew up at a camp. There we counselors campers and others that I just wanted to see again. Well there are a few stories when it comes to that. First At the camp there were six of us that grew up together. The camp director, assistant camp director and the chef all had two kids. So the group consisted of Marcus the herder, Matthew, Aaron and myself all of us the same age, then there was Laurel the teller of all our activities and of course my brother the one that was accident prone and usually stopped our fun. Well I went to college at a later time in my life. This girl I went to school with decide she wanted to fix me up with her big bro (just a friend). Well I was coming out of a bad relationship and he had just broken up with his girlfriend. Needless to say a were not interested. Later on through Facebook I meet up with one of the trio, only to find put that my schoolmate is friends with this person. So when I ask her about their friendship she tells me that is the same one she tried to fix me up with. We were both so consumed with our own self pity a missed out on catching up on old times. We can laugh about it now. Next A few girls got talking about our first crush etc. The task at hand find this person and find out what they have been up to. Facebook helped me meet that task. Another camper from the camp. I was in the same cabin a his sister so I used that as an ice breaker. Now we are on our friends list The good comes with the bad. With all the amazing qualities of Facebook comes the worst, ask of which I really should have thought of. My ex that I have been running away from found away to contact me. I thought I had my settings secure. And with him contrasting me I am now back to paranoid mode. I have not told Norm because he is tired. He has been working six days and at least twelve hours plus with ask the crap I have been going through he does not need the extra burden. I might actually be thinking of someone other than myself. I am going to sign off for now, will keep you posted. |
| Still going strong. |
| Well the results of the ultrasound and the mammogram were pretty good in my eyes even though the doctor said for me not to get my hopes up. They still have to drain it an analyze what they drain. But to me the odds are getting better. Next step to go for an MRI and to go see the surgeon. Well considering I have friends and family waiting for six months already to go see the specialist and get their MRI, I made plans to go back to work. I figured right after Easter would be good. Take some time to myself for the week before. I went back to Toronto to go spend time with some good friends. Keep my mind off of the bad stuff. I get back to find out that both kids are sick. Really bad colds - for the most part you would think they are teenagers they can get through it. But my daughter was born with asthma and a few other slight issues and when she gets sick she is a fighter. I think it has to do with being in and out of the hospital so many times in life that it just comes naturally. Any more for her to take time off of anything she has to be close to dying. Well she took time off of school. Now I am worried. She is out for the count, and Tayler the same thing. The next day I see that Norm is getting it too. Great all my babies at home are sick. There is a week till Easter and I return to work. Guess what happens. I catch it. I have not really been sick for awhile and this hit me hard. I figured a week and it should be over. I am good to go. That Tuesday I can barely breathe and hear and I get a call the MRI is set for the Wednesday following Easter. If I am not at least sounding better they will have to reschedule. Crap. My goal is now get better for the MRI. Wednesday I call my boss and tell her that I am going to have to postpone going to work another week because of the MRI. No problem. But while I am on the phone I get a beep another call. I can retrieve a message let them wait. I should have answered it. Surgeons office calling. I go the following Tues for the meeting with him. So back on the phone with the boss so I can explain it again having another week. Well I have done the MRI. Just waiting for the results. I have this cold/flu under control now. A little stuffy and still got that nagging cough. Next week Tuesday I go see the surgeon. I was feeling a little claustrophobic in the house and went to the office to go visit everyone today. They all seem okay and awaiting my return. Lets hope that after the appointment I can give a date in which I will return. And mean it this time. This is not a good year for me so far. Everything is happening fast though so that is a start. Lets hope it will all be done with soon enough. As the doctor said even if we can get rid of one pain that will be one step better than where I was standing at the beginning of the year. I think I have an idea for my next tattoo. No I don't have many just one to be exact -- a tramp stamp as they are called. Cats eyes on my lower back. But I am thinking I want a daffodil with a pink ribbon around it to remind me of all this in years to come. The location of it is still undetermined but the ankle seems to be leading the location rally. It will be in a place that can be seen and still covered. And when asked I am going to be the new advocate in promoting self screening. Till the next time I get on here and give an update - hopefully not as long. |
| I am a fighter |
| I have found out that all my life the struggles I have faced were nothing more than practice for what was to come. I have had a few theories about topics that are a little taboo to some people. I always thought I was pretty adamant on them until faced with reality. It is funny how you can change your view that quick. History: Just before Christmas I found a lump. It seemed to get more painful each day. I admit I kept writing it off as something that would go away, it took me awhile before I realized that with the medicine I was taking I should not be feeling any pain.at which point out was a couple of months later.first step call the doctors. I was honest about the reason for my call only to be given crap about waiting so long. Let me mention at this point I am already scared. But the receptionist gets me in within two days I actually think it was the next day. The wait was horribly long. The day of the doctors appointment he had a student doctor in the office so this just adds to my discomfort never mind at this point you can not touch my breast. Yes I waited that long. With my medical history and the fact that my white blood cells have been high I got told bluntly this is not good. The wait time for special appointments in my area is not shall we say considerate to the patient. I was looking at around the months two if I could get a cancellation. So being told to wait for the specialist to call with my appointment I figured I had at least the weekend to wait for a call. I literally had enough you're to drive to my mothers (a five minute drive) and pour myself a coffee before my phone rang. I had an appointment for next Tuesday with the mammogram and on two Weeks for the ultrasound. Things were moving fast, too fast for my liking. I was getting more scared by the moment. The wait for the mammogram was bad,I researched everything I could for any sign that it was not what it could possibly be. The more I read the worse my fears became. Having to tell my daughter was the worse because ask I could think of was she is turning eighteen and needs to be screened, nobody should have to go through that never mind a kid. The day of the appointment I really thought I was going to be sick, my nerves were bundled. After going through the pain of getting the right pictures here is what I am told. Your doctor will have the results in two days and don't be surprised if when he gets the results you're ultrasound is moved closer. I did not leave the hospital feeling any better. Straight home that day to hide from the world. When Norm got home that night anxious to find out what was going on I was talking to my other mother, my aunt who is like the best friends of ask time. She had questions on how he was taking it. I repeated the questions his response was simply I have some questions but we can discuss that another time. Of course now my curiosity of really going, I have done nothing but think for the past few days and he has questions. I waited til we got into bed and I broke out with what questions. Sure enough what I once thought was my stand in life was being thrown in my face. That moment when you're words come back to haunt you. Here it is: cancer is my greatest fear. I am not afraid of dying but I am afraid of how I am going to die. The big c word scares the crap right out of me. I truly believe that it is the air that feeds cancer. Everyone I know that has had cancer has gone downhill after they are opened up and the air hits it. So my theory was don't even tell me I have it because I don't want to know I wont let it be fed so I can die from the inside out. So you can assume what questions he has now. I thought for awhile which I know was scaring him but I wanted to be sure I have him my honest answer. One thing we pride ourselves on is the highest level of honesty between us. My response: I haven't even began to fight yet. There is way to much going on in this world for me to give up. Everything I have fought for so far in my life was just practice for a much bigger fight.I am not sure if this is to be my fight but I know I have a bigger fight left in my body, so when my turn comes who ever or whatever the battle they better watch out. I seen the relief in his eyes It was at that point I realized that it doesn't mater how much thought you give something when you are actually faced with you're fear is then that you realize what your true feelings are. This is also the first time that we as a couple finally faced reality of what this could actually mean. The next morning I crawled put of bed took the dog out made my morning coffee say down at my computer and my phone rang. I looked at the screen, call display is a wonderful thing. It is my doctors office calling. My heart skipped more beats at that moment than it had all my life,I was hesitant when I answered. We have the results of the mammogram. With breath held I waited. The mammogram is showing clear. Breath released. I have to continue with the ultrasound to find put what is going on. The heavy weight of my shoulders seemed to release by a ton. That was the longest twenty for hours in history. I made it thought the ultrasound, pain still present. A well after the test I am during on the doctors office once again. The results are in and it seems to be a cyst. I am being referred to a surgeon who he is hoping will agree with his findings. Now should this be the case the procedure is simple. They don't remove them anymore unless necessary what they do is drain them. They insert a needle to withdrawal the fluid. Out is at this point they figure put what steps to take. If all is well then the pursue is relieved and I am back to normal. Well as normal as I get. I was told that I am not out of the Woods yet but my chances are very good. So now I am waiting once again. But I think I can handle this wait. I think anyways Life is going slow for me this year |
| Today is the day |
| Well Valentines day came and went - The two kids were spoiled. Anything to make them feel special. Norm and I both believe that we dont need a special day for that we do try to go out and make them feel like they are important to us everyday. Living out in the country or the middle of nowhere it is not as easy some times. So when those holidays come up we try and take that extra step. With them being teenagers it is not as easy any more. But they each got movies to add to our collection. And a pile of heart chocolates. So come family movie night they will each have their chance showcase their new movie. But on Valentines day we watched Norms movie Lady and the Tramp. -- In some ways the kids were laughing that it was written for us. He being the tramp and I, Lady. There are jokes like that in this household all the time. Me being from the city and he the country boy little differences stand out between us. The biggest joke came when the two dogs were sharing the spaghetti. They kept asking if that was our first date. They thought about it for a minute and decided nope. Norm would not share his food especially pasta. Sitting on my desk is the pot of mini roses. With them came my Tim Hortons coffee. Both because he remembered. I have an issue with cut flowers. Yes they look beautiful but I have associated memories with them. And the coffee has to do with the fact that we live so far away from town that I ws having withdrawal issues. When I lived in the city there was always one just around the corner, and living here there was one on my way to work, but working from home I dont have that luxury. I was truly happy. As for the older one birthday - he is twenty years old. He spent it with his mother and friends. We wished him all the best. And I think we will see him on the weekend. I know he will be by sometime to pick up his gift. Yesterday was a day where pain was close to the maximum I could tolerate. Moving was an issue. I did not sit in one spot to long and that includes the computer. I found my way to bed early mostly because it seemed to be the only place to find comfort of any kind. But today is doctors day. I got up early. Maybe too early because now I am thinking of going to the doctors. For the back issue I already know how that is going. But as for the other issue. I am a little scared, frightened - not sure which word is more appropriate. I am sure in the end it is nothing but the way i am seeing it. With all the pain meds I am on I really should not be feeling pain anywhere. So this has to be at least looked at. Norm offered to take the day off of work to take me but really what is the point. We have texting I can let him know what is going on in a moment afterwards. I really do appreciate it though. I am lucky to have him with me. My cousin lives in town with the doctor so i can stop and see her today and my mother and grandmother live not too far from the doctor as well. So I know if needed I dont have to be alone. Till later I am sure I will be back on. |
| Reality Bites |
| Well let me some this up because when I think about it I see alot of irony This past weekend - we cut down a tree so we have firewood. All done it is home and just ready to be split. Today - despite my high level of pain I had to run into town so I was home in time for the wood delivery. The difference is the wood we cut has to dry out so that is for next year This wood that was delivered is for this year. We ran a little short and had to buy some. We have it all figured out as long as things go according to plan we can get ahead enough in our wood supply that we will be able to be a few years ahead. Then we wont be in a rush to get wood. With the way everything has been progressing for me I wont be able to help much longer. I have a couple of good loads in me still. I called the doctors office today - need a prescription renewal and I have another issue that I have been neglecting. So instead of just okay here is the next available appointment I get the run around of what are you doing neglecting this, you should be on top of things considering your medical history. If I had not been in shock that it was just a receptionist I would have told her the truth. I honestly thought it would go away, and considering I get told the same thing everytime I go I really dont see much point in making appointments anymore -- I am sorry Lisa not much we can do for you besides give you some medication to help dull the pain. FIRST off help dull the pain - I want it to go away. SECOND - not much you can do for me -- with all the advances in medical history you are telling me there is nothing you can do and THIRD if I were to run to you every time I had an issue would you really be interested in seeing me - I think not Sorry the frustration is building in me today - pain level is high -- I have taken the max I am allowed to take and I have taken all the extra I am allowed to take and I sit here thinking- my fingers are moving send some of that mobility the rest of the way through my body. Tomorrow is Valentines day -- The big day of celebrating with the one you love. I have never really celebrated this day as I always looked at it as a gimick. I dont want to be with someone that can only tell me one day a year what I mean to him. If he cannot tell me the rest of the time then I really dont want to hear it on that one day. Norm is different out of the blue we are both known for telling the other that we like them. And yes it is just like that -- we could be watching tv and then one of us will look at the other say -- YOU KNOW I REALLY LIKE YOU. We are known for the couple that texts each other all the time. We are together all the time. Very rarely is he or I somewhere where the other dont know about it. Maybe cuz we are still new at this relationship thing. Tomorrow is also one of our boys bdays - Mathew - he wants fishing lures or a first response medical kit. - Think we might give him a kick in the butt... LOL he is turning twenty though.. That deserves something special - TWO kicks in the butt. Okay Okay I am going shopping tomorrow we will see what I come up with. |
| Country Living |
| Well the weekend has arrived and it should be the time for rest. Not in this world Friday night was hockey night for us parents with kids that play. Last game before the playoffs. We are in last place for our division but beleive it or not we have made the first round of playoffs. LOL. It is the last two teams play for a place in the playoffs so best two out of three. Surprise surprise it is the same team we just played. Well considering I have spent the entire winter season running from this arena to that, I am almost glad that it is coming to an end for us. I love watching him play but it wears on this body. Then he was off to his mothers. As for the other child that lives at home. She headed to her fathers this weekend. She went to the big city for an appointment and visit. You would think both kids that live at home are gone we should be able to relax and enjoy each other. NOPE. Saturday comes and the work load starts. First it was off to the wreckers for the rim. We have not had the van on the road for two weeks. Which means I am stuck at home. I cant walk into town for a change either - that is a couple of country blocks away. But now it is fixed and I am back to being able to go somewhere..Maybe for the pure joy of it I will head into town on Monday just to get a Tim Hortons coffee. Next on the agenda wood. Friends of ours has a tree line he needs taken down and we need wood to heat the place. With the trees from my parents house and this tree line we should be good for next year and the start of the year after. We got a couple of small almost branch like trees and a quarter of the biggest one there. Tomorrow moring we will be back at it. He wants to start between nine and ten. No problem and no issue. Except I have not been sleeping very well lately. I get into bed and I try because I feel exhausted but the back spasms start which cause me to jerk in bed which in turn changes the position of my spine which in turn presses on nerves. So pain radiates down my legs and through my arms...It sucks it really does. So I am going to spend a little time here on the internet then I am going to sit in front of the fireplace until one of two things happen - 1. the meds kick in and work or 2. I am ready to pass out from exhaustion |
| One day at a time |
| Yesterday was a bad day.. today is not as bad but the cold air mixed with the dampness in the air is not helping. I dont mean bad as in the events would cause me to hide under the pillows but rather the pain level is not at the most functioning I have for a long time had a lot of medical issues.. At the age of twelve I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis. I kept tell my mother that it hurt. I would fall and everything would be a sprain or something like that. I was never able to pinpoint the exact point of pain just that I hurt. I was never one to cry I would just complain and stop doing things and watch from the sidelines. It was when my mother asked me to pass her the ashtray sitting on the table that it dawned on her something was really wrong. My hands would not close around it enough to lift it. When they finally did get a grasp there was no strength to lift. That is when the tears started. After going to the doctors numerous times he finally told my mother to shut me up he was sending me to a specialist considering he could find nothing wrong. All it took was some blood tests and xrays to figure out what was going on. My mothers arguement was she does not cry over anything and I have seen her cry from pain. I still tried to maintain some "normallacy" in my life. I still participated in everything that I could. High school was a period of cross country running and cycling club marathons. I wanted to invite all those doctors that said I would never walk without the use of a cane or crutches again. As I had my children things slowed down for me. Running after my son was exercise enough. Then my daughter was born with medical issues of her own and I put everything I had into that. I had moments where I was out for the count so to speak - my back hurt or my hips did not carry me through the day. I could not go skating because my ankles would give out before I made it around the rink once. New years eve, when I was 25 I got hit my a drunk driver. I was shocked at a punch of things that happened that day. To summarize - The entire front end of the car shifted. He drove a Dodge ram truck and I had a Mercury Sable. The firewall broke. I had the dash of the car pushing against my knees. After I was to discover I looked like a mess. The results were two black eyes from the air bag hitting my nose (not broken) I had the imprint by forms of bruises of the both the seatbelt and steering wheel. Most were confused as with the air bag going off I should not have had the steering wheel imprint. When I was taken to the hospital the only thing I could say was my legs hurt. I got released no xrays - the doctor did not feel that the damage was severe enough considering I could not pinpoint an exact location to the pain. When I got home is when we realized that i was dragging my foot. I would step down anyway it landed. There was no pain I could not feel it. A simple sleeping feeling exsisted. I got transfered to a nuerologist to check the nerves and any damage there. I had herniated my spine and in turn was pushing down on my nerves. My options were as follows. We can leave it as it is or we can fuse the spine. By fusing the spine here are the odds ( I will never forget this either) you have a 25% chance that things will get better, you have a 25% chance things will remain the same and 50% chance that things will get worse. Guess what i choose. From this point on - I suffered through boughts of back pain, or as doctors prefer to say chronic back pain. Every so often I would go to the doctor to say that I can not handle it. Test after test only to be told there is nothing they can do. Drug me up. I dont like taking medications I was losing hope in the medical field. I had one doctor tell me that pain is a way of your body telling you that somehting is wrong and when I share that with my medical expertise I keep getting told there is nothing you can do. It was not until I moved that I went and started again. I figured new doctor new eyes. Besides that I had just found out who my father was and he died of cancer. So time to be on top of things. He went through all the test with me again. Medication after medication. The results are simple -- I have oesto arthritis, I have rheumatoid arthritis and i have degenerative disc disease. Never mind the other little things that to me are nothing more than minor any more. Who cares about low iron etc. I want to live is what I want. Every day I struggle just to get out of bed. I struggle to do what alot of people take for granted. I have my cane sitting in my room for days of just in case but I refuse to use it on a regular basis. It almost feels like I would be giving up. I am going to fight this every day that I can. My dreamer side comes out alot. Then I have days where I want to curl up and die. I want to give up but in the end I look at it as Garth Brooks said in his song -- I too young to feel this damn old. |
| In A Land Far Far Away |
| On of the severe changes I had decided to make before I met my Prince Charming was to pack up and move away. Start over as my daughter and I were choosing to embrace it as. I chose a small town five hours away, actually all my extended family was there. For many reasons - one to give me some distance between myself and my parents, if I ever wanted to have any kind of relationship with them and two my psycho ex boyfriend was stalking me and when I went to the authorities I got told there is nothing I can do as he never laid a hand on me... Like HELLO did they ever watch Fatal Attraction Either way it was my chance to run away and start over. Let me tell you how this worked out for me Psycho ex - discovered facebook. Discovered talking to friends I had on facebook, trying to discover my whereabouts. Truth is I think he loves me -- HA HA HA and for the number one reason for me to move - Well three months later they moved three blocks away from me. I really do swear that if she was not my mother I would never talk to her again. I love her I really do but sometimes she makes it hard to like her. I have been seeing a different side of her since she moved down this way. Back to her roots. Now if you can picture it I lived in a small town most of my life. Close to the big city of Toronto so I always had all the conveniences at my disposal. I moved to a an even smaller town where everything was a country block away. A country block is much larger than a city block. And the man I now share my life with is a total country boy so I have gone from city living to living in the country. We raise chickens to fill our freezer, he hunts deer and moose - both which I might add are quite tasty. When I look out of my kitchen window I see birds cows and other wildlife. We heat the house by wood, a fire is no longer a romantic gesture but rather a necessity. I experienced my first real bought of country living in the summer. There was a power outage, not for a couple of hours, not even for a couple of days, but for a full week. Now living in the country that has a total different meaning than any other power outage I have lived with. In the country that means more than no lights and no TV. I had no water, no way of cooking etc. Let this secret be known at this point that I have bathroom issues as it is - I don't use outhouse and I have never squatted outside. It was an experience I will always remember. I am telling you all this for one reason - it gives you an idea of where I am standing in life right now. After being here for three years I am still trying to adjust. It is just one day at a time. |
| Once Upon A Time |
| Everyone must start at the beginning The sole purpose of this blog is not to see how many readers I can gather following my every move but rather to get in the habit of writing. I do not care if it is going to be only a few words every day as long as I am writing. That is what is going to be the most important As for the ones that are crazy enough to read through here I am a dreamer of all sorts -- I have always wanted to live the fairy tale. Even though I am turning forty this year I still have hope and this is why. Out of all the mishap relationships I have bared myself torture to I am finally in a position where I can say that I am happy. Out of the blue, when I had decided to make some sever changes in my life in walks my Prince Charming. He was everything that would have turned my head in the opposite direction, he was drunk, he called me names, and his handyman skills left nothing to be desired. Yet the more I talked to him the more I wanted to get to know him. He made me laugh. We have had many times in our relationship that most people would shake their heads and wonder why are we together but for us it works. I am a mother of five children. Tami a 29 year old mother of our three wonderful grandchildren, then there is Mathew and Andrew both turn 20 this year. No they are not twins they are actually eight months apart. Next in the line up comes Ajay short for Alexandria Jessica. She is turning 18 in September when she is leaving me to attend college. And last to bless our lineup is Tayler -- He just turned sixteen and gave us the present of getting his learners permit. And if you were really following what I have been saying you would notice that there is only 11 years between Tami and myself. No I am not that sadistic -- We have a blended family, but I am sure you can understand why I love telling people that in such a way. Usually you can see people doing the math and the look of horror. Anything for shock value I guess. To add to our excitement we have the following butting their noses in - two mothers, one father, and a NAN who has just turned 92 this past January. Our two brothers seem to keep their noses clean. One lives too far away and the other is too lazy. There is one sister in the mix but she lives across the country and she don't count. So feel free to poke around, feel free to ask me any questions as my life really is an open book - and please feel free to correct my spelling |
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