My son is playing Runescape and from a distance I see a pen with cattle and my son's character doing something to them. I get immediately suspicious, it didn't look all that innocent what he was doing to the, what turned out to be, yaks.
So I asked him what is this, what do you have to do to these animals? He had to throw knives at them -- virtual knives to virtual yaks, of course -- to kill them in order to gain experience points or so.

WHAT? I thought we had care and protection of animals, of any life actually, even plants, as a priority in this family? I thought I had seen him stop other children from needlessly harming insects, even. And now this? Is there such a division between the virtual and the real world that he can happily, quite cruelly, harm a yak on screen?

I know, it's an 'age-old' discussion that will not end and those who favour such games will never be convinced there might be something wrong about severe virtual aggression and abuse. ('Supernanny' has a nice experiment though, in which she rather convincingly proves that it HAS a negative influence on 'caring about others')

For me personally the shock is that I had not expected my son to also be able to get fun from such, in principle, terrible actions. I had thought he would avoid such games, but obviously I was far too optimistic.
Well in a virtual world where killing foot-passengers with cars or bloodily murdering the so called enemy is fashion, stabbing yaks is only a minor thing of course, so what do I fuss about? At least he tried to make clear on me that I should not be pathetic...

I can't help to remember though, the blog-entry here on WDC, from a long time gone former-mod. She described how her teen-daughter sat in a car with a 17-year old driver, on the way back to the village from a night in town. A deer crossed the road and the boy decided it was fun to hit the deer, so he went after it in the car. Sadly however he lost control and ended up against a tree and if I remember well, one child died and several were severely injured. The members daughter was unharmed. She was lucky.

I was so devastated on reading this, not just for the severity of the accident, but how that woman, as well as the quite a few commenters, seemed to think it was normal to want to hit a deer for fun and no one asked about the state of the deer.
I never stopped wondering if the normalcy of these aggressive games was the source of the action and the subsequent accident.

I do hope my son has enough sense, that I will not have to find out that he has, even a little bit, mirrored his virtual activities in real life, but the thought frightens me nevertheless.
 

Last week I discovered that Sky Arts broadcasts full opera's in the afternoon. Normally I don't watch TV in the daytime, but I wanted to listen some classical music and gave a try at Sky Arts...and what a surprise (to me at least): they were showing Wagner's "Tristan und Isolde" from the Met's 2007/2008 season.

It was with Deborah Voigt as Isolde, hugely powerful in voice and personality, it will not be easy to sing and act 'up to her', I believe. Tristan was performed by Robert Dean Smith, he held his own against the soprano luckily. My favourite voice was the mezzo-soprano Michelle DeYoung as Brangaene, I loved the warmth in her singing.

It was great to know that Sky is giving a full opera, all performed in the Met, every weekday afternoon. Thus, at two o'clock you can find me in front of the TV, with a cup of coffee AND tea, so that I don't have to run to the kitchen for liquids during the performance. I've always loved opera, but am ashamed to admit I hardly ever saw or listened to a full one - no time, no money - so this is a wonderful opportunity. Afternoons are perfect to watch opera for me: children are at school and time is mine. Husband is working or busy with his poetry-pages on Facebook and doesn't object to the 'noise' in the background.

After "Tristan und Isolde" I've seen "Peter Grimes" by Benjamin Britten, half of "Der Rosenkavalier" of Strauss and today they showed "Simon Boccanegra" of Verdi. For me the star of today was soprano Adrianne Pieczonka, as she was the only woman in a major role and had so much to sing. I loved her voice and her quality of singing and acting. Placido Domingo was Simon Boccanegra and was doing fine, but not more than that I feel. I liked the choruses of this opera very much. Warm female voices, from contraltos till sopranos, and chorus-singing have always been my love.

I guess "Peter Grimes" was my favourite, but probably because all these operas are new to me, hence i did not yet recognize any thing. Peter Grimes was most melodious and 'easy' to get into. Also it was the most memorable character so far: performed both shocking and touching as well as very beautiful and expressive by Anthony Dean Griffey.

Actually I would dearly love to listen all of these operas a couple of times more, so that I get familiar with the music and the singing and can get 'lost' in them more easily. Now I have to concentrate so very much on every thing at once, especially as I am trying to understand the 'story'. So I'm more watching than listening so far.

Tomorrow it will be "Macbeth", Thursday "Manon Lescaut" and Friday "La Fille du Regiment". A lot to look forward to!


"Love for all, hatred for none."







 

I only just added my entry about life cautiously returning to me and see, the acknowledgement creates so much budding energy, that it's well past four in the night - or is it morning - but I'm still wide awake and not even my eyes complaining about the lack of sleep

Spring attacks. I guess that explains it.



"Love for all, hatred for none."








 

Am I able to cope on my own with four teenagers, two of which are not mine?
They are happy, respecting me, obeying BUT I manage to have them do nothing else but sit on the PC, watch TV and do the bare minimum of school- and homework. Consuming. Superficial. Near lethargic, apart from that we laugh a lot.
Am I alone able to give them a purpose, give myself a purpose?
It's so easy to live this way. Zapping from entertainment to entertainment - pushing the button when ever you start to feel bored or perhaps even uneasy...no need to feel anything else, because our brain is continuously filled up with enough impressions not to get hungry...

Consumerism!

Is this what we moved for?
Is this what I want to give the kids?
Oh man, don't lose courage, perhaps we will all get used over time to this new life in a new place and perhaps it will start itching again and we will wish to move on and use our time, talents, hearts???



"Love for all, hatred for none."









 

I can't talk. Am in a storm of silence. There is nothing.
I moved to another country, another city.
I'm happy here, it's wonderful in London.
But in me there is nothing.
I am nothing but coping with the situation.
Want to shout. Weep. Love. Hug. Walk in the forest. Feel the wind. The rain. The leaves.
But there is nothing. Nothing. Nothing.

Perhaps I should say: help me.
But that is pathetic.
Can't I make some poem about this or so?
Want to get rid of this damn silence.

Forgive me this senseless sequence of words, but I've got to start speaking somehow, or?


"Love for all, hatred for none."









 

Hmm, I guess I have to ponder over an adjustment to my blog-title. We're definitely no more living near Amsterdam. And however excited I am about London, but the "loss" of Amsterdam hurts a lot. Though reality is, that since many years I hardly ever came in those parts of Amsterdam which I cherish. We lived in a suburb, with smile-less people and that's one of the reasons why moving to London feels much better.
 

Absent for half a year without explanation...I hardly dare to return, feeling so ashamed about unanswered mails, gifts for which I never thanked, reviews to which I never responded...

Let's keep it simple (though there is more to it) and blame my absence on our migration from Holland to England, London to be precise. We're in an ongoing process of shifting and living in two places since the end of July. Still our old house is not empty, though it should be done now in two weeks. And then finally time to really join the children and settle both physically and mentally in the borough of Wandsworth.

In the meantime, till I thank everybody personally and send mails as much as I can, I want to thank all of you, especially my sisters, for your reviews, your gifts, your mails. I'm so very very sorry, that I couldn't reply you when I should have!

And please be assured, even if I never reacted, but I did still enjoy and appreciate those reviews, gifts and mails very very much. WDC is truly an awesome place, because of all its wonderful members and staff!


 

I made mistakes and lost a friend
Ignited her fury.
Her words putting years of friendship
in a different perspective:
nullifying all that ever was.

Feeling sorry and empty.
Nothing else is left.


Edit, a day later: of course the time of friendship didn't lose it's meaning. But the colour is changed, somehow.

 

As written before: Danyal did get tests because of doing very poorly in his first year at high school. It was an intelligence-test for children, a concentration test, a fear-of-failure test and some more.
The result was a shock, but it explained everything about his school-career so far: he has a huge discrepancy between his verbal IQ (119) and his "performal" IQ (91). Such an abnormal difference means that he is practically handicapped: what his brain can understand and think, he is hardly or not able to execute. It's called a disharmonious profile and he has it at an extreme level (it starts from a difference of 12, to be called disharmonious, and his difference is 28).
It means that you can give him a task, maths, which he easily understands...but even picking up the pen is not an automatism for him and starting to do the calculations almost impossible without helping him on the way.
It explains also why he is so slow: for instance taking shower and getting dressed has a lot of different steps to it and it's hard for him to keep the big picture and remember the steps. It costs time to think what is the next step and that goes for all these small steps. Even under extreme time-pressure, you will hardly ever see him hurry. Not that he doesn't want, he can't. And most of the time he thinks he's fast in what he does...

So, since then we had many talks at school, new strategy's, other new strategy's again other etc. More tests, talks with special care and so on.

Danyal was at first very upset and angry about the new situation, not wanting to cooperate, but slowly he is settling and understanding what always bothered him and now he has started to get some better results.

It's also a big change for us, or it should be: he needs much more help and structure in his life; not easy in our (my) chaotic household.But slowly we're making some adjustments and I'm now more careful in what I ask from him and on which things you can't get angry, because he's simply not a practical person (like that he tends to lose money; we must be careful to give him a note: can only give it to him, when he directly goes to the shop).

The good thing is, that it's known that the difference in "IQ's" can get considerably smaller over time and with the right support.

On hind-sight I'm so much happy that we never were much angry with him for not working hard at school. We already felt it was not disinterest or disobedience, but that he just couldn't help himself. But the primary-school did punish him often for his slow working (isolate him) and we feel upset that they didn't recognize at all what the problem was, in spite of their claim that they know about this handicap. But we as parents are also to blame: we should have pushed the school to test Danyal.

He has to double this class and go one level lower, where everything is done in small steps. Not easy for a proud and self-confident young man.
 

So long, so much....it's going to be impossible to cover the past months. Lost chance to document yet another episode of my life and that of my loved ones. But it doesn't really matter, since I hardly ever have tried to keep book of my days. My biographer will have to rely on witness-accounts and found yellowed bills and letters (what biographer?)

Danyal's recently discovered "handicap"; workshop for the Rising Stars; Zara's final exams and admission to university; Jameel's three books at the publishers in India and Pakistan; new taxi's and a month without income for J.; a small trip to London; Nina's fight with her cousin and best friend; the death of our rabbit Bram (on Nina's birthday and he was her rabbit) and the selection of a new hubby for the widowed lady-rabbits; Chichi leaving two tiny bird-feet and a heap of feathers on a pile of laundry (bad cat)....the list is endless.




 

Since weeks I'm floored by the chaos in my heart and brain. Though I know I'm on the way back, but still no productive-me available (as if I'm ever fully productive, but at least it's normally not as bad as now).
Feeling a poem wrestling inside (next to the burning tears, which ought to bring relieve). Catharsis dawning???
 

We have an Angel in the family of my husband. She is the second of eight children (hubby is first) and she sacrificed her marital life to take care of her parents and create a family-home.

My parents-in-law are unhealthy, demanding and incontinent and she, Baseer, takes very good care of them. She stands their occasional bad moods and she has spoiled them rotten. Moreover, she cooks for the three brothers and sister-in-law who visit them daily. She is busy with shopping, cooking, cleaning many hours a day. She is truly an Angel: wouldn't she do what she does, than we all would have had to share those tasks. And a family-home wouldn't exist.

Actually, my husband being the eldest son, it was our duty that my parents-in-law would share our house. But I'm not from the Indo-Pak culture, I couldn't stand their presence in our rather small house (especially since my MIL is very dominant and it would have been her running my household, in the sense that she would have wanted to command me. Now don't think that she's a bad woman, she is also very caring and generous), so it never was seriously considered that they would stay with us. Instead Baseer took this role upon her, without anybody ever asking her to do so. Her health is not good, she has often pain, but she'll never say a thing and quietly do what has to be done.

An Angel, in the true sense (though she also has some vices, she's still human after all ).

But now she has fallen seriously ill: she contracted a virus that nearly paralyzed her. Wisely they went to the doctor at the first signs and he's a good doctor, he recognized the symptoms at once. With heavy medication a full paralysis was prevented, but her face has lost shape and her one side pains her a lot (a couple of years ago a friend of mine fell victim to the same virus. She had a bad doctor, he didn't even want to see her and she was only hospitalized when she was fully paralyzed. She still suffers the bad effects from it, though she can walk and talk like normal again).

When a thing like this happens, fear strikes me: where will we stand when Baseer really will no more be able to take care. Without our Angel our lives will be so much more complicated than now...
 

It had been a long, long way down: twenty five years gliding down hill. From leaving my maternal home when I was eighteen till a moment some three years ago, when my therapist and me concluded I had a tendency to make fail everything I was involved in. It seemed I had no buttons to make myself operate...I could plan something, want something from the depth of my heart...but i couldn't make it work. I had no control on myself.
The result was a huge mess, in every way, in my life and that of my family. Social workers couldn't wait to jump in and take over the situation at our home. Wanting to change our family into a "normal" family. Which we are not, with our diverse cultural background and our not-every-day-personalities.
And that was the point where I said: now it's enough. You all out of our life, we'll manage by our selves. And so we did.
It's still a mess, but things are clearly improving and we DO cope.

Twenty-five years of seeing things fail more and more, made me doubt myself on everything. At that point, three years ago, I understood that I can't deal with any pressure. Pressure paralyzes me, resulting in me getting very depressive and sometimes freaking out. Hence the problems with the social workers: they were 200 percent pressure, turning me into a trembling leave in my own house.

I banned every unnecessary pressure-giving thing out of my life and I became more calm. And from there on my climb upwards started.
I found the internet and later it became WDC. The first time since so many years that I started expressing myself and make some new friends. Increasing my self-esteem and enjoyment in life.

But now WDC has brought a new pressure to my life: a workshop for the Rising Stars. I doubted several days before I said yes. Afraid that again I will be paralyzed and nothing will come out, other than disappointed workshop-students.
But I nevertheless decided I should do it. As a way of honouring Gabriella's faith in me and doing something back for her and the Rising Stars program. It was made so much easier, because from the start I knew someone would share the workshop with me. And then Anne Light came along, who is an experienced teacher and she was willing to become my co-leader.

So this is the moment of the proof-of-the pudding: can I make something succeed after all those years of failure? Have I learned enough about myself, that by now I DO have one or two operating-buttons? At some moments fear attacks me and it seems a difficult task (but I have faith in Anne to pull us through, come what may) and at other moments I feel fresh and think: I only have to write a few things and it will work out fine.
The first steps have been taken, Anne and also Gabriella have been of great help, the door to a successful workshop is still wide open...but the pressure is on. Though this time l intend to not let it fail, and then I'll have finally proven to myself that I'm indeed on the way up...with a bit (or a bit more ) of help.

So ye all please pray for us and wish us good luck

 

More than two months ago I wrote about the talk we would have at Danyal's school about their plans to demote him. Well, it all went very different from what we expected.
First they expressed their worries about Danyal. Next they gave us a chance to give our vision on his bad results. Jameel and I explained about the problems at his primary school.
The reaction of the first-year team-leader, Mrs Schroeder on our story: "Perhaps here is something else the matter and we have to follow a different route. Danyal may very well be a stark under-achiever." Her reaction impressed me a lot, as it shows she listened with an open mind and she is a flexible person. We didn't have to plea to convince her; like us she was having Danyal's interests at heart. She didn't stick to her own conviction as so many teachers would have done, in her place.
We always felt that this is a pleasant school with respect for the pupils and it was proven once again. What a relief!
So the next step was that he had to get a serious test to find out if he's very intelligent indeed and also if the reason for his bad attitude can be unveiled. It would be an individual test as they said that these under-achievers always do bad when in a group. They need to have a relaxed atmosphere and individual attention to really show their capacities. All-in-all it would be very expensive for us, around E600,- ($800?), but of course the future of our son is well worth such an amount.
Twice I had to go for an intake-talk to the test-bureau, The Learning-Factory. Danyals whole history was mapped, from pregnancy till the present situation.
Based on that information, the woman decided which tests he had to do.
Last Thursday he was tested, all of four hours. She is a very warm and bright woman and Danyal sat with her alone in her office, with wooden floors and many books....I'm sure he would have felt at ease.
When I came in to pick him up, I heard her asking him, which subjects at school he found too easy! The fact that she asked him this, who has scored D's and E's and F's so far, told me that he must have done well on the tests. Else she would never have asked this from him, I think it shows she feels he needs more challenges at school.
So I'm much hoping that his test is good and most important that a good score will finally convince Danyal that he's very intelligent indeed. (He thinks he's mediocre, because his hard-working friends always have better results).
Also he was tested for a possible attention-deficiency. I'm curious for that result. On one hand I hope he has a deficiency, but on the other hand I'm afraid of the medicines he may have to take to help him concentrate. But how easy it would be, if we could sort of turn a button on him and make him work.
Of course she and me discussed the strategy too: main purpose is to strengthen his self-believe. His bad attitude is largely based on insecurity: he fears he can't do it and he has no base to think that he can. A good test can give him some confidence.
Next week I'll have to go for the results (Jameel was not involved anywhere in this process. He's working).
There is also a chance that he didn't do well and it may be proven that Danyal is less intelligent than we hoped. In that case it's clear that he'll have to go to a lower level, to suit his abilities. It wouldn't be good to keep him at a higher level, just to satisfy our pride.

Anxiously awaiting....
 

OOOHHH! No time left for todays five minutes...gotta run to bed (else J. will kill me). What have I started ...I added a new stress-factor to my life!


"Love for all, hatred for none."



 

This are yesterday's five minutes...I fell asleep at9.30 pm instead of writing a blog-entry .

OK, I'm getting old: last week I was a bit ill, this week not even a trace of fever...but why I'm so deadly tired then? I think it is that I turned last weeks "flu" into a luxury: I didn't dive in my bed (except for a few hours), but remained seated at my puter, hiding under a blanket.
Consuming internet at a very slow speed, is not the same as trying to get better. And now I'm paying the price: age is no more allowing for such irresponsibilities!


 

Heavy I am and so were my days. After getting up in the morning, it took me hours to get going a bit. My body and mind felt so blocked and heavy. Sighing and groaning I did a lot, it was how I felt.
About dairy-products I discovered years ago that I can't properly digest them and that they give me constipation and pain. Last Summer somehow it dawned on me that wheat (rather gluten) also has a bad effect on me.
Not an easy diet, dairy - and gluten-free. But when I succeed to hold on to it, it changes my life. Throughout Autumn with a peak around Christmas, I was not faithful in keeping my diet. In January then suddenly my whole body, whole life, got stuck. Immovable, feeling dreadful, painful, bloated, water in all my joints and limbs... l had arrived at a dead end.
Since then I'm nearly perfectly following my diet and it feels great: lost ten kilo's (a lot of water), I can walk, I wake up and feel fit, a much, much better quality of life.
Had I known it earlier, my whole life could have changed. Depression, incredible overweight, heaps of household-problems, could I have been saved from them?

Well, perhaps it was my fate to pass many difficult years and I'm most happy that a lighter life may be laying ahead of me. So, no need to grieve about lost years.


 

Empty blog, full list of events....sort of contradictory. But with a simple solution: the five-minutes-writing-per-day-routine.
I mean, five minutes per day, say first thing in the morning with my cup of coffee (yay, my WDC-mugs just arrived ), I can allow myself or? Even with piles of long-overdue tasks pressing, about 5 minutes I don't have to feel guilty.
Practice writing, catch my days, empty the mind ( a little), fill the blog....5 minutes well spent, it seems.
How long will I manage to keep up with it???