Damn I finally get back and something always has me right back off again but I have to say this time it is well worth it. I now have custody of my 4 sons from their dad. He messed up grandly. And though I hate it for my kids and what they are going thru I am and could Not be any happier. I'm dealing with a lot of legal issues at thhe moment and can not find a lot of time in the day to get everything done. I just hope all of you understand that this is something I have to do first and for most. If you know me and my past I know you do. For the groups i'm a part of if you're even reading this I hope you aren't disappointed in me. I will give updates when I can. Love to you all
Tanya


Shhh. Whisper.....
Proud member of
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Showering Acts Of Joy

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Know someone who needs a smile or some encouragement? Send them a shower from "Showering Acts of Joy Group "   by Pat ~Rising Star Sapphire Aude !
 

So my last post I mentioned I found my sister and was going to get in touch with my mom and grandma who I hadn't talked to in over 8 yrs. Well I got scared and didn't call till today. My sister, God sometimes I can't stand her, told me yesterday my mom passed away two years ago. Of course I broke down for so many reasons.
I hadn't spoke to my mom in over 8 yrs. Missed 8 yrs of her life.
She's the woman who gave me life and now her life is over.
Most of my childhood I wished she was dead, told her "I wish you would die", and now that I'm grown and know better, she's gone.
She already missed so many years of her grand kids growing up and didn't even know she had another grandchild.
My kids would never know their grandma.
I was ashamed of myself for letting the distance between us grow further apart than needed be. Granted we never got along and for good reasons I might add. If you've read any of my personal stories you would know why, but ultimately shes my mother, she gave me life no matter how good or bad it's been, it's all been because of her.
Well anyway, my mom did not die. It was my sisters funny little way of trying to get me to call her. NOT FUNNY! Well it got me to call after spending all day and night yesterday, trying to find my moms obituary. Never found it because... she's alive. So I called and my grandma answered. My mom wasn't there. She was at the hospital. My thoughts? My God I'm too late! There's no way I'd be able to make it there. Okay so why is she there? Having tests done. Phew! It's not great news, but it's better than what was running through my head.

My grandma lost her husband some years back. This is her third or fourth hubby she's had to bury and she's healthy as a horse. I can't imagine how she's able to do it. She asked my mom to move in with her after loosing her husband and my mom did. Thank God because they both needed someone, no needed each other. My mother's health is unlike my grandma. She has had problems with her legs for I can't begin to say how many years, but long before we stopped talking. Well apparently it moved to her back. Doc's had said way back when she first had problems it was lupus or MS. Now they still don't know. On top of that she has cysts all over in her stomach. They want to do surgery. This is all I know as of now. My grandma had to let me go because my mom was supposed to be calling her. I'm to call later tonight and Gram said she wouldn't mentioned i called, so she will be surprised. I hope it will be a good surprise and not what I've been fearing.

Anyway, because of reconnecting with my sister, I've also reconnected with a lot of old friends we both knew in Germany. The one time in my childhood that I was happy. I started out only looking for 2 or 3 people and I'm now up to finding 12-13 and that list grows daily because I'm remembering so many more people who touched me somehow back then. I just hope I'm just a memorable to them as they are to me. I started our own page on Facebook so we could all share our memories and it's been GREAT! So many of them remember so many good times. I never had lasting childhood friends because of the military life, saw no point in getting attached to people who would eventually disappear. Maybe now that I'm older and wiser, I'll have friends I'll want to keep in touch with no matter the distance. We are talking about a reunion, but sadly I don't see myself there. I'd love to but, real life gets in the way and there's no way we could schedule something like this to where everyone could show up, either distance, time or money is going to get in the way. Oh well at least I have Facebook and the FAAF memories page I made to keep in touch. I'm not going to complain.

I know I stated in the beginning that this blog was going to be about writing instead of personal life, but... Well these latest re-connections have got the old mill spinning and I'm sure I'll get a story or two out of it all. So in actuality, I'm not going against my own rule.
 

Last nite, right on facebook, I found my sister! Yes' my real sister. We haven't spoken since a few months after 9/11. I remember being so worried about her because she was living in PA around where the plane went down there and I couldn't get a hold of her. My family has a really bad relationship all the way around. No one basically speaks to anyone, (not that I never tried to hold us together), unless it's around a birthday or holiday. In the past ten years I haven't heard from my sister and it's been about 7 years since I've talked to my mom or dad. Anyway, I've been looking for her for a long time now searching my life and other sites that are supposed to be free (which they aren't by the way). No luck, till last night. It wasn't by fault of the sites I visited. No, I couldn't find her because I never knew her last name. She had been married 3 times before she was 22 and in the time from 9/11 till now, I had no clue if she was still in her last marriage or not.
I finally found her in PA, but under her last married name and a different city in PA. Several cities in PA actually. So, now knowing her last name, I searched facebook. Her picture was the first one to pop up and I knew it was her before looking at the nme. I cried and hard, like a baby. I was shaking and weeping as I pushed send friend request and it was even harder to send her a message. What do I say??? Been a long time.. Where the hell are you? No, I wrote OH MY GOD, do you know how long I've been looking for you? I'm so glad I finally found you! Call me as soon as you get this. I left her my number and waited... and waited. I didn't sleep at all last night waiting for the damned phone to ring. It never did. I knew it wouldn't. She had no idea I had found her till she logged on to facebook.
I woke up, rather got out of bed, at 8:30 this morning and waited... and waited... and waited. I logged on to facbook and stayed there, waiting. The longer I waited the more emotional I got. Then my mind started twirling with thoughts. What if she doesn't want anything to do with me now? What if her life is perfect and she can leave me out of it? The what if's and worrying drove me crazy! I was anxious and excited and scared.
Finally, she IMed me, then called. My heart beat fast, faster than it ever has! I couldn't even pick up the phone! Thank God, Robert was here! I heard her in the background, she was crying too. Robert told her to hang on a second, I needed to regain my composure. I knew there was a reason I love this man. He's my rock when I loose it. Anyway, we were both crying and emotional but we were able to catch up on our lives in the last ten years, brief discussions for now, just to get the gist of it all. She's happy for a change and she's gotten her life on the right track now. I thank God for that. For the longest time while trying to find her, I started to think there was a possibility she died, and it would not have surprised me to fnd out she had. It would have killed me but wouldn't have surprised me.
Anyway, we now are friends on facebook and have each others contact info so we WILL be keeping in touch! I'm not letting go of her so easily this time! Family is all we really have in this world and I'm starting to get mine back! Now, on to find my mother and grandmother, who I've heard have been living together for some years now in PA. No wonder I couldn't find my mom in Texas.


Shhh. Whisper.....
Proud member of
Rising Stars
Showering Acts Of Joy
Seekers Of The Unknown


 

So I've started an erotica story, but like most of my ideas, it comes and goes. I wrote about 3 lines of it and had to quit. I was on my way to work. So, of course, focused on my duties of a cook, I lost the inspiration for my story. Well my inspiration was at home , but you know what I mean right? Anyway, now that I'm off work for two days, I don't have that want to write it again. For brief moments I get a little voice saying, "there's inspiration right there. Use it, damn you!" But alas, nothing. I'm not one of those writers who uses an outline or even sets up characters and all that before writing, I just start writing and I write on paper before ever putting it in my computer. Of course, it changes once I start actually putting it into a story here. My brain kicks into overdrive and the words on paper are just thoughts or suggestions to a much better write I have ahead of me. Make sense? New descriptions, even better descriptive words and emotions and such always work their way into my brain as I'm writing the final piece. Is that common?
It also doesn't help that I'm shy in the area of erotica. Yes, even after writing a few, I'm still quite shy when it comes to reading it, let alone writing about it. I worry that I say too much or what I describe sounds more pornish than erotic or it's not erotic enough. It's more frustrating than you think, believe me! Maybe I should leave erotica alone, since writing something shouldn't be so hard or frustrating, right?
Anyway, we shall see. Maybe in the next 48 hours or so, I'll get the motivation back to write even just a little more of my erotica story. If not, I'm sure I'll be writing something, even if it's a review. Hey, that's still writing ain't it!?
 

It seems like it's been forever since I picked up a pencil and started writing. Feels good to be back at it again. I guess it's just like riding a bike, you never forget how to do it, you just loose the time or desire, then one day your muse decides vacation time is over and she starts screaming in my ear, "Hey here's a thought: Write Damned You!" And so the other day I sat and listened to my muse as she whispered to me that I needed to start writing about my experiences at work. Or rather the people I work for. So at this moment, my writings are dealing with experiences. Mostly about the Alzheimer's residents we have at the facility, but I do have other ideas in my head as well. Some are sad, some funny and some are just thoughts I'm not allowed to repeat at work, because then I would be jobless. You'll see. I'm trying to venture away from the dark drama I was writing before, not completely, but I want to spread my wings just a little. Anyway, I'm off to write a little and read a little. Wish me luck!


Shhh. Whisper.....
Proud member of
Rising Stars

Showering Acts Of Joy

Seekers Of The Unknown


Know someone who needs a smile or some encouragement? Send them a shower from "Showering Acts of Joy Group "   by Pat ~Rising Star Sapphire Aude !
 

I'm not new to blogging, I am starting over really, kind of like I did with my personal life. I hope that with this blog will only come my thoughts on writing and maybe an opinion or two occassionally. If you are looking for my old blog, well I put it in private where it belongs.
I can not change the past nor would I want to if I could because I'd miss so much of what I have now.
Join me as I begin a new journey filled with writing and some other thoughts and if you catch me whining and boohooing again, feel free, you have my permission, I beg of you, etc... to kick my ass back to this entry. I need a reminder every so often . Hell, at least I'm honest!
Wish me luck and all that great encouraging stuff WDC is known for!


Shhh. Whisper.....
Proud member of
Rising Stars
Showering Acts Of Joy
Seekers Of The Unknown