No rest for the weary....or should that be no rest for the wicked?

I have been a bad, bad girl. I made a promise to myself to blog daily or at least every couple of days. I have been so busy with this move. We wrecked the car (Thank goodness no one was hurt) and had little problems that kept coming up with this entire process and it is still not finished.

When we moved in, we could not even take a shower. the bathtub was gritty rough and there was no shower. Chad said he swore skin had been peeled off his butt when he took a bath. We had to rig up a hand-held shower and the thing leeks. The tub is still a mess. We do have a shower in the basement...not too unpleasant, just a pain to go downstairs and very cold down there....want my shower in the bathroom

We still have the old house to clean. We can not seem to get garbage service. Seems the old tenants have not paid a huge bill and my landlords are responsible. No one will return my calls- the trashman or the landlords...so I may be forced to have the city take pics and mail them off to the owner with a nasty letter he said he will write. I really do not want that to happen. We have had some issues with electrical in the home. Some Chad has fixed. There were a lot of issues with things like missing keys and such that we had to contact the landlord about. I am afraid they are really slumlords and may not care about how crappy the house ends up. We want to stay and have no lease.....scary. We take care of any home we rent and consider it OUR home....hopefully the landlord does not decide they should have rented to someone who did not care if windows were missing or there was a huge hole in the bathroom floor from the leak.

Okay, enough of the negative. things will look up, they always do. I need to get to a tanning salon. the artifical 'sun' always makes me feel better. i will be job searching next week, cleaning and finishing up the old house and finishing up here. We are going to make our outside covered patio into a tiki lounge

I miss Kat. I do not think she is working too hard at working on herself there in Cali and still seems to be lured back into drama with her ex-boyfriend who lives here in Illinois. I will just keep the faith in her and keep communication open. She and her sister are not talking right now. Kat does not seem to understand some things...that people are worried about her. She changed her myspace email and I can not hack into it. Yes! i do read her myspace...I am sorry, she deserves no privacy until she earns it back. the only thing I ever considered off limits is my child's journal. I look at her myspace to see who she is talking too and that is how i found out she is talking to her Ex. Now I will have to rely on her telling me the truth...something you does not always do. It is terrible to experience your child trying to take their life and almost succeeding. I need time to trust she is in a better place and actions speak louder than words.

Wow...I need sun. Where the heck are the pink bubbles? I think I will stop writing in this entry and come back with a more positive attitude.



 

I have no quote. I have no bubbles but I plan on stirring up a batch soon. the move has been rough and is not even done completely yet. Good gosh, lordy lordy It has been hell! It will get better and is, day by day.

I miss my daughters. Kat is doing well. Kat will be visiting during spring break.

I am working on Smile~Worldwide. I love that it fits with my new positive thinking and blog and such.

okay...back to 'work'

speaking of work, I need to find a job!
 

~ It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness. ~
share this Darkness saying Eleanor Roosevelt

I am so defeated and tired feeling right now that i am almost unable to type this blog entry. I am sure it will be okay and my energy and zest will return soon.

Bad News:
Chad got into a car accident on the highway last night. He did about three 360's and then went into a ditch and hit a pole. Our new, (used) car was sort of, perhaps totaled. We shall see when the estimate comes in. He could not drive it on the spare even and we had to have it towed at the cost of 200 dollars.

Good News: He is alive!

Bad News:

I am not ready to move. I feel stalled with the packing as we use a lot of what needs to be packed. We just sent in the rent (had to mail it) and the landlady actually told me we could back out if we wanted. That does not sound very positive to me. I think I may have complained about the area and she told me there is a man who is begging her for the house. I hope she does not regret giving us the house. We love the house, we just need to get used to living in the city. I am waiting for her call again.

Good News: We had the money to pay her the rent and deposit and with moving, Chad will not have to drive home in the dark and the snow and the tornado weather.

Bad news:

I got a letter (very short note) from critter Saigo who ran the group 'Smile~WorldWide'. It seems she has been sick for some time. I saw that in the groups donation log as her/his tag said Saigo~terribly ill.

This was the note:


Hey there! I hate to be brief but I don't have much time. To put it shortly I am going to die soon, more than likely, I should know for sure in a few hours, how much longer I have. So I am sending all the group items and the group to you, if you do not wish to run it then please disband it and give the Gps to charity. I am closing everything out now because I don't want to waste more time doing it later. They say there is a 20 % chance I will live. I'll probably be back on at some point if I live, but until then... Farewell.

This was a teenager. She/he made this terrific group and gave it to me, knowing how much I loved it. We were never really able to get it going full force because we were all busy....

She/he left a lot of gp's in the group bank and deleted their account. No one knows about this (until now because I mailed the group) and there does not seem to be a sister or mother coming onto their account to soak up the sympathy...this makes this real and not a hoax as some others have done on forums like this one....

Good News: (I guess)

We had this bright loving person here to share her optimism and bright outlook on life with us. She left me a great gift-the group. I will make it a success, not only because the idea is brilliant but to honor her.

You can check out her vision here.

ID: 1551168   (Rated: E) Smile~Worldwide  A group to put smiles on faces all over the world. by Omni~pink bubbles r everywhere

I love the chopstick pencils!!!! It was just so wonderful to get a package from you. I actually (do not think I am weird) will wear those pencils in my hair. They are especially useful when I am writing or working! I usually put them in my pony tail or up-do (((huge mental hugz))) You made today very special
 

I copy and pasted the address that shows on top of each blog, added their names and nothing. help!
 

"If you think you can win, you can win. Faith is necessary to victory." – William Hazlitt

The quote is dedicated to a wonderful friend who, after reading my blog yesterday, made me realize I needed a kick in the butt. Thank you!

Last night I prayed, I gave up on trying to control my universe and decided to go along for the ride. I will not go into who my God is, for while I believe every person under the sun has the same God, God is a personal experience. I did release all my stresses and gave up my troubles to Foo-la-la (My God's nickname). I said that I mjight want to ask for things I WANT but I knew I NEEDED certain things in order to succeed and feel peace....

Anyways, you know that old phrase "When it rains, it pours?' Well, that statement is usually used for when bad things happen. This morning it poured, but it was all positive. I am still sitting in awe of the downpour of Joyous happenings.

We got the house we were wanting, but we also got a rent discount and an option to buy. The landlady is going to work with us on the rent (when it is due). I was ecstatic. It was just the beginning, now remembering all great blessings do not come in large or elaborate packages, I received a mail from another person on here who I had been having some issues with. She had issues with me, and after talking I think we have came to realize that the issues were not about us. At any rate, i feel online drama slipping away. I let go of it and it turned around. I realized i did not have to be liked by everyone. I trudged on, knowing that I could only be true to myself and this morning found things on my favorite website were great!

next, okay....everyone is slip sliding around on the ice rain that is going on in this town. I am notorious form slipping. My husband called and warned me not to slip, to drive with the car in low gear, lots of warning about care. I walked out and drove with no problem. i really did not realize what everyone else was dealing with.

Our W2's came in the mail this morning! My appointment to get back what i hope will be enough money to pay off our cars and move should be coming in soon.

I am seriously dumbfounded at the change. After the little reminder by Anyea to think positive....I found her sage advice so fitting. I changed my mentality last night....positivity is attracted to positivity. I totally believe in the universal vibrational system I am finding pinkbubbles abound.

*wiggles in chair*
 

“What seems to us as bitter trials are often blessings in disguise”
Oscar Wilde

Kat called yesterday. Her father and her brother (one of her older brothers lives with her dad in a house) were not being the most welcoming. My oldest daughter went over there to explain the school situation (Kat needs to play catch up and I want her to go to something called Independent Studies). Heather was told by my husband, she was not the mother. I had explained what Heather would have to do to get Kat accepted into the program and Heather has been a Godsend for me when I can not be there. It is unfair that my oldest should have to take the reins with my youngest, but she is actually the closest thing to me. Heather knows what i want for Kat and is willing to take Kat to the places she needs to go to succeed. Heather flew down and the memory of Kat lying in the hospital bed has not faded from her memory as easily as it seems to have vanished from Kat's dad's mind.

Heather explain, quite calmly that she was told by me what I wanted for Kat. She explained to Dino (who is not ALWAYS an ass, he just has some huge asshole moments) that she was willing to do the work needed to get Kat enrolled in the right school. I am hoping that Dino keeps his word and buys Kat a bed soon. Kat is already talking about coming back home but knows she has some work to do before she SHOULD come back. My child is always welcome. I really believe she has the best chance to heal and move forward being away from Illinois for a bit. I believe in her!

We looked at a house yesterday in Decatur. The odd thing about Decatur is it is very much like Cali. The bad areas and working class neighborhoods stand apart from each other by mere blocks. Of course there is the north side of town where all the well-to-do and upper middle class live, but at this time, we are with one income. Our choices are limited. We found a house that we think would be great for us and would fit Kat easily when and if she comes back. She will not be able to walk everywhere like she does here in Pana, but she is at the age that she can get her driving license. We wait to see if the landlady is willing to fix all the things that need fixed. She might just rent to people who do not care that they might fall through the rotting bathroom floor. LOL Everything happens for a reason. The landlady sounds like she is in love with us. She is from Pana and for once, living in this town seems to be a Godsend.

We are also considering this cute town called Taylorville. It has more going on than Pana but is still safe enough for Kat to walk around town. There would still be a commute for Chad, but it is better than the commute we have here and it has job opportunities for me.

So, anyone reading this....please send out some prayers, vibes, whatever that we can find the perfect (or almost perfect) place.

Please keep kat in your prayers/thoughts as well.

I have hope for the first time in a while.
 

Although I guess it is common to see hawks in Illinois, I have never noticed them here like I did in California. As we were driving Kat to the airport there were many hawks. chad saw three sitting together on a fence. We saw a couple flying. On the way home, i saw one who seemed unable to fly, eventually getting air...I did not see if he ended up soaring or not as we drove by too fast.

I looked up the meaning of the hawk as far as animal totems go. I was told a long time ago that the hawk was one of my spirit guides. I have know, personally, that owls are one of my spirit guides but rarely take notice of Hawks. Today, there was no ignoring them.

Chad says hawks are common here because of the farmers and the mice but the ground is frozen solid???

I am wondering if there is a message here. I wonder who to ask....
 

May flowers always line your path and sunshine light your day.
May songbirds serenade you every step along the way.
May a rainbow run beside you in a sky that's always blue.
And may happiness fill your heart each day your whole life through.
~Irish Blessing

I am off to the airport to drop off Kat. Saying I will miss her is an understatement. I really feel that this is her best shot at redefining herself or at least her best shot at letting go of some hurts from the past that center around this town and a couple of people in it. She is becoming more at peace with her decision and her hardest and actually only 'thing' is how much she will miss me. It is taking everything in me to not leave my husband and follow her wherever she might lead me but I have done that before. She needs to remember she deserves happiness and that she is special. She needs to remember that everything does not come easy. I am thinking selfishly right now, but I will miss her and want her here. I am going to feel so alone. I realize I have my husband but everything I know is in Cali. too bad we really dislike where I came from (the valley for those of your familiar with Cali) and can not afford to move to the more beautiful parts of the state.

I will need to find real ways to fill my time. I want to move immediately (that wont happen but we can do it soon), I need to go back to working with children. I need to concentrate on improving my own situation and work on me so i show my children by example....

I am thankful for this site and another site that I belong to (but have been lax on visiting). Without having made any 3D friends here, I feel less alone, so I say my thanks to those of you that have shown support, gave love, shared your lives, hope, dreams, fears, etc. with me. You should know who you are.

Kat will be fine. I want her to know she will succeed.
 

~ Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end. ~
Seneca


Thursday, my daughter bought a bottle of sleeping pills. She made sure she had 100 pills this time rather than the 50 she took last time, but this time she had no other pills to add to it. She did not come home at 3:15 like she does every other day. I knew something was wrong. I called the police, got on her myspace, contacted her friends. the word was out. I finally found her. She had thrown the pills down but....


Kat has been getting harassed at school, along with the other crap from her ex she is dealing with. It is hard for her to escape what she has done in the past. She no longer parties and her friends really do not like that. they are all partiers and while they still wanted to be her friends, they are people she did not like once she sobered up. She does not like who she has became.

In the past couple of months, at least two girls have told her to go get a new bottle of pills and do it right this time. Thursday, girls she did not even know threw french fries at her in the lunch room and another girl told her to shut up (bitch) in one of her classes. She found out (again) how little her ex-boyfriend cares about her (he really doesn't care about anyone...but she thinks he does).

Her birthday was yesterday, mine is today. We had plans to go to a SPA and get the full treatment. Her grades are all A's (even though it is only the beginning of the quarter) and her teachers have told me she is a changed student.

She will be leaving tomorrow to live in Cali. It is not safe for her here. It may not be safe for her there without me either, but here....she does not have a chance in this tiny, backwards town. She can not escape. You can not go to the gas station without seeing at least two people you know. everyone knows you business and everyone feels the need to tell her who doesn't like her, what has been said (anything negative that is) about her, and what or who her boyfriend has done.

We (Chad and I) are planning on getting out of this town (I hate it and did before Katelyn started having troubles.) We will be moving to Decatur where Chad works and hopefully there will be more opportunities to grow with a larger city. I want Kat back after that, but mostly I want her to be happy....wherever that might be. I am hoping that she can do the work to change. I am not going to be in Cali to advocate for her. Her dad is an ass and says things that are so very insensitive....I worry about her. I feel like I am losing a huge chunk of my life.

I am sorry to those emails I have not replied to. I am not sure if I will be able to 'get it together' for a while. I am just so very, very sad......

so very sad....

where are the answers?

I could sit here and type so much. i could release, vent. I feel unfinished yet too empty...an odd array of emotions.

I want my child. I want my child with me, but I want my child well. It is too easy for people to forget that less than 4 months ago, Kat was in ICU for 3 days, lucky to be alive. Her father forgets. He does not realize or remember how hard it is to be a teen and he has not an idea of what to do with a girl.

My GOD! I do not cry normally. I feel like I could cry an ocean. The tears, however, sit unshed right behind my closed eyelids.

I do not know how to function right now. I am pretending like I think she is doing a good thing by moving. she is scared. she doesn't want to leave me.

She told me last night she felt like there was a war going on in her head. When I tried to get her to explain, she closed up because she could not explain. she suddenly got tired.

Should I not let her get on the plane? Chad says in a month, she will be wanting to come back. he thinks it will be because of Micheal (her ex). I am not sure, maybe. Why she is in love with this loser (believe me, he deserves that title for tons of reasons and usually I do not judge teens as they are still finding themselves....but).

Kat has deleted all her friends off of myspace except for a couple. She has some very good friends, good kids...but there is so much negativity here....

I feel like she is moving too fast to Cali. i want to see if there is a way for me to fix this but i know I am grasping at straws. The mental health here is a joke. There would be solutions but I am afraid they might not come soon enough. I cant keep her out of school.....

I guess I am done venting...I feel empty.


 

Be not afraid of life. Believe that life is worth living, and your belief will help create the fact.

Henry James


I started this blog with the best intentions. I expect to change my life but where do I begin? I feel like a scared rabbit, trapped in a dark hole, covered with snow. I feel disoriented and helpless a lot of the time. How do I change this feeling and do something?

Well, I started....

I wrote my Dear Me letter for WDC. I, perhaps did not bear all of my soul but tried to be honest and whether or not I win the competition (which would of course be nice) or not, I will look at that letter at least once a week.

I have been trying to find a new job. I had to take leave, actually I guess i quit, my job at the local Dollar general when Kat went into the hospital. I know they do not need people. I called Walmart. they had wanted to hire me before the holidays but I had already had planned my trip to Cali. they are laying off people right now. I am afraid i will not be finding a job easily in this small town with this horrid economy. We should be moving soon to a larger town and i hope to get a job doing what i went to college for, but will take anything. I am about to go to the local McDonalds. I do not want to do the same work I did as a teen, but really, a job is a job? At least I am working at convincing myself of that.

I am starting to get very depressed sitting in my house and the weather is no help. It seems the sun never shines fully in this state. I miss having the warmth of the blazing sun. I think I will take a nap today and forced myself to go out tomorrow. Yes, i know i could forced myself today....but I am without the discipline to forced myself into action...today....

Kat is sick. She is running a fever and feels warm in the house which is registering at a lovely 65 degrees. I have to stay up long enough to let the heater repair man into my house. I hope he comes soon....

My gosh, I am just a ball of positivity today...
 

You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do.

Eleanor Roosevelt

After living in fear for the latter part of last year that my youngest would try and hurt herself again, I became a lax parent. I feared that if she was unhappy, she would do something stupid AGAIN. When she would confide in me her mistakes and her really stupid decisions, I would try and play the part of understanding mom, telling her of course I was not disappointed. But, I was. I told her everyone makes mistakes and that part I still believe. I am disappointed in her for continuing to make those SAME mistakes and not learning from them. I am disappointed more so in the fact that she just seems to give up on herself. I am disappointed in myself for giving her free reign to continue to act in ways that can not be helping her.

Last night was not a good night. Kat has been spending the nights at a friend's house. I knew there was limited parental supervision but allowed her to stay there anyways. I would call the next day to get her to come home and would easily be talked into allowing her to stay another night. In the three nights she stayed there she was able to make many incredibly dumb decisions. I am proud that she has not touched drugs. I talked to her friend and I was told that Kat won't drink or smoke because it messes with her medication. However, Kat did other things that I feel are just as dangerous. She is acting out sexually. She slept with her ex boyfriend's best friend. When I asked her why, she told me it was because she knew that there were no feelings involved on either of their parts and she felt safe. I believe this has to do with jealousy over her ex and believe she was acting out (wonder if I should have her tested for bipolar). I asked her if she felt bad that all her friends have had multiple partners and she had only had one. I asked her if she was trying to catch up. It was a sick joke on my part...but I did wonder. she then started talking to her ex and slept with him and was disappointed when he did the norm; he disregarded her and her feelings. She came home tore up inside and preceded to beg me to move to Cali (her dad said no...I know he does not have the tools or the inclination to deal with his daughter). She then said she wanted to stay with my sister. My sister has her own problems. Kat told me she was scared of what she might do. She told me, "Once you try suicide, it is too easy to do it again."

I sat and worried and cried and then....something snapped. I have been terrible. I am sorry, she may almost be at the age where she will be on her own and I will not be able to save her from making these stupid decisions but she is not 18 yet.

Chad and I sat down and talked. He told me that no one was moving anywhere without a lot of discussion. (those of you that know how much I talk have no idea how much this man can talk....lol. I am quiet compared....) I listened to him talk this time. He said I was sitting shotgun on Katelyn's drama train. He is a hardcore believer in strict, strict parenting. I have accused him of not knowing what it is like to be a parent because he is not one and that is not fair. he has been around Kat since she was in 4th grade and loves her. I had to hear him out. He convinced me (of something I knew in my heart already) that it was time to step off her drama train and stop her from boarding it as well.

We spent the evening putting together a lock-box for all my pills. He joked about how if anyone asked him how he spent his Saturday night, he would tell them, "well, I made a lock-box for pills and then I went and got a movie that we did not watch and food to feed the masses". he joked about how I was spending my weekend night as well. I love him.

I went and talked to Kat. I told her we are planning on moving to another town (for us, not her). I told her she was not going to spend the night nor was I going to encourage her friendship with these children that had so many personal issues of their own. I let her know I have been too easy on her. I finally told her I was disappointed. I loved her, but was disappointed in her choices. I explained that life is tough and it made me sick to hear that she was wanting to end her life because it was a rough. Life IS rough. She is a teen and she keeps putting herself in stupid situations. I am here to stop her and to make good decisions for her until she can prove to me that she can make them on her own. Life can change....it can be wonderful, it can be heartbreaking....you must live through it to grow. You just have to live and make positive choice and act positively and believe in yourself, even when it seems no one else does.

I told her if she crawls through her window, meltdown and need to get away or not, I will nail it shut. If she leaves through the front or back door, we have padlocks for those doors ready to install. I have lost faith in the psych 'help' here, so sending her to the hospital is out of the question (and she fears that is what I will do). She will have a hard time at school. I am ready. I took her cell phone until she settled down and she did settle down. I told her that i will be taking that cell (and she can scream and slam her door (which will be removed if she does slam it). Text messaging and cell phones are destroying our children. they can text hurtful things without thinking and without facing that person when they say them. They are left to deal with making rash comments, much like it is easy to hurt another on the computer. You do not have to face the music until later and usually you are sorry for what you have said. Sometimes, it is just a huge mess to clean up. On the computer, with strangers, it is easy to just let that relationship go. When you do this rash texting thing and make hurtful or type confused messages, you are going to have to face those people the next day at school or work.

She has school and.....she has school. She has her room and she can have friends who come here, she will not be going 'there'. I know this is not going to be easy, but I am going to stick to my guns. I have to be the parent I was to Heather (who turned out fine, but who knew that she would turn into the wonderful woman she is now during her horrid teen years). I will take my chances that Kat will run away or try and harm herself because I can not control that. I can call the police and let them pick her up if she runs away, stupidly in the snow...and I can lock her up (literally) in her bedroom if she tries to hurt herself until I find good help.

I wonder if she will ask to go somewhere today.....

The answer will be no!

A lot of this revolves around one boy. chad said he will be going to his parent's house. I hope he meant it. Kat's existence as she has came to know it is no more. Together, we will paint her a new, brighter existence....


 

Depression is nourished by a lifetime of ungrieved and unforgiven hurts.
Penelope Sweet

Winter tends to make me depressed, or should I say winter makes me More depressed. If I am to believe the quote I have posted, than it would seem that I have some people to forgive and some grudges to let go.

I have always hated hate. I feel like it is the person that holds hate in their heart that suffers, not the person the emotion is directed at. I have hated very few people in my life, but I have held hate and grudges. Some of my hate might be justified, in my own mind, but that does not mean that that horrid emotion did not eat at me from the inside out. I have thought that I have let go of the hate but I wonder if I truly have...

I forgive you Paul Rich. I do so for myself, not for you. I forgive you for your sins against your own family and I forgive you for the person you allowed yourself to become. It is not for me to judge you. I shall heal from those atrocities and sins that you committed against me as a child. I do not know what made you into the monster that you were. I pity you. You will not take anymore from me, emotional or physical. You will have yourself to answer to in the end and I know your end has came. I will stop myself from wondering if you are paying for your acts. It is of none of my concern from this point on.

I forgive you John, Tim, Shawn. I am not sure how you can continue to live and justify what you did to me. I do not know how two of you raise two young daughters and not worry that a boy like you will defile your child. I do not wish your children to suffer from the sins of their fathers. I only hope that they are not the way you learn the lessons that you failed to learn as teenagers. I know now that I have done nothing wrong, that your acts have not defined me as a person. I will not harbor hate for you anymore. I will move on...

I forgive you Dad. You did the best you could. I will never understand why you chose to die the way you did but I know that had you known how much you would have affected others with your actions, you may have decided against killing yourself. I will write my book about your death and in using my story, your story, will perhaps help another.

I forgive those that harbor hate against me. I forgive anyone who has spitefully spread rumors or said negative things against my character. I can not control who likes me and who does not. I can only try and be the best person I can be.

I forgive myself for being human. I forgive myself for all the times I did not place myself in another's shoes and those times I did not show compassion. I forgive myself for my shortcomings in being able to let go of hurt, instead allowing it to fester and grow like some sick disease. In forgiving myself, i can move on. This does not mean I will not falter again...it means I can take my next step free of guilt until I am only human once again.
 

If I had a single flower for every time I think about you, I could walk forever in my garden. ~Claudia Ghandi

I am leaving California today and leaving behind my oldest daughter and granddaughter for at least another six months. I already have cried a couple of times. It is hard leaving a child, especially. Emily will be four the next time I see her. In a short time, she will have grown so much. I worry we will not be close. I worry tonight she will ask where I am and her mother will be left to explain. Heather is taking this hard as well. We do not like 'Goodbyes'. Who does?

I am very proud of my oldest daughter. She is doing quite well with school and raising my grandchild. She is a beautiful person, inside and out. I know she is 'okay' without me and that makes me happy. I must have done my job. I know she will miss me and she worries about my health. It is just a symptom of her fear of not having me close to her. In less than two years, she will move and we will all be together again.

My life is waiting on the other side of today. I have so many worries about my own life. I feel so alone in Illinois, even though I have my husband. He is content with just him and I. He loves my children but is content as long as he has me. I need my children and their children. I need other family members there for support in dealing with Kat. Kat needs other members of her family when she feels she can not talk to me. I do not like her choice of friends and those are the people she turns to if she is having emotions or problems she can not deal with.

I will be searching for a job. I am not sure where I will work in such a tiny town and most likely will be doing a job that is not in the field of which I went to College for, but we need the money.

I will be working on myself this year. I began my blog with the intent to improve myself, my self-esteem, my ability to help others...to be 'Pink'. My intent is to finally become familiarized with myself again. I feel I lost who I was and am to being a mother, wife, worker, etc. I do not know what makes my heart sing anymore, at least what makes my heart sing when it is not connected to what someone else is doing. Of course my heart sings when my children do well or when Emily giggles, but I have lost the joy to appreciate little things like sitting alone in my own environment and listening to the birds sing. I have lost my enjoyment in drawing, in artistic expression, in dance. I have forgotten how to meditate effectively or take the time to pray. Maybe I have not forgotten, just have been too lazy or even too busy (in my head?) to do the things that make me Really happy.

I am going to start making a list. I really do not know where to start. I do know when I get home, I have the pleasure of going to the doctor and getting treated for the bronchitis I developed. I have a house to clean and Kat's bedroom to reorganize, now that she decided she did not want to stay in California after all. I have applications to put in. Those are tedious, mundane things. I need to write what I will start doing to make my quest begin...the quest for self-realization and enlightenment. I am thinking I shall start with forgiveness. My next blog entry will probably be about mundane things, but I shall start to keep my thoughts concerning my growth in Rose font. I will start to do exercises and pretty much be my own psychotherapist with help from others around me and books.

I shall see everyone on the other side of today.


 

The prompt was: fuel use for jets AKA air traffic


I have googled this and I know there are not much as far as fuel replacement options for jetliners. They have started to try and save on emissions and fuel by changing the design of airliners, filling the planes and making less trips.

I saw in SOM's blog, a comment about the wealthy and their private planes. I agree there are probably too many private planes but that includes those that are not that wealthy and have small planes for personal use. I had a friend who had one and we took a ride. It was great. It was a two seater and I never thought about emissions or pollution. I do not think many do.

This is an interesting topic....I would have to do even more research to comment intelligently on it.
 

First, I have decided to add a quote of the day. It is more for my benefit than others, but if it strikes a cord with someone else that is great!

Confucius
It is better to light one small candle than to curse the darkness.

I have read so many posts and heard so many opinions how the rating system should be handled. I think it something that is a matter of a personal opinion. There is no wrong or right way of going about it and there is absolutely no reason to get upset if someone is an easier critic than you are.

I used to and still can get upset if someone gives me a low rating, it is all about that darn ego. I tend to be less upset if they give valid reasons for why they rated the way they did. I may not always agree with their assessment of my work, but at least there is a reason and I have the opportunity to look into how I could have improved the reading experience for them. I also do not care to just have an auto rating put on my piece without hearing why there may be a star missing, even if it is just half a star. I get many reviewers that state my piece is perfect, wonderful, etc. (not saying that the piece is or was) but then gives it four stars. Why? I asked one girl who praised one of my stories up and down, telling me it was perfect, marvelous, when will I continue the story and she gave me four stars. Fine, four stars...but with THAT review I wondered what I could have done better if it was as perfect as she said. When I inquired what I could have done to earn that last star, she told me, "Nothing, I am just saving my stars as i just got back on the site." Did the site limit stars before I came? LOL I was clueless and just took my rating and thought, 'it is the review that counts'. Isn't it? I have actually learned from quite a few reviewers. I have a couple of people I go to for 'hard core' critiques as I know they are the best at whatever facet of writing I am looking to improve upon. They are honest but not hurtful in their assessments. I want to thank them here and now for encouraging me to continue in my growth as a writer without making me feel like I was less of one than they are for my lack of current knowledge of certain aspects or rules Thank you!

I am a generous rater. I know many people have been published here, but that does not mean to me that that are not fallible or that they are suddenly editors because they published a book. There are many ways to get published and some publishers are just too eager to take whatever comes to them, many times not even asking for editing. We are not discussing what constitutes being a true published author though....we are talking about ratings

I am learning how to write, again. I have been out of practice and am currently enrolled in a class for punctuation and comma usage. This stuff was taught in 3rd grade. I write and have always written to purge. I write so others might feel what I am feeling. When I am rated and reviewed, I want to know how the reader felt. That is my main objective in asking for reviews is to know how my writing affected the reader. It is also helpful to know if things are misspelled and such. I cringe when I visit one of my forums I used to frequent and look at my posts. I posted without thought to typos (I am typo queen) or how the finished product would look. There, people saw through the spelling mistakes and typos and responded to the writer. Here, I have learned to pick up these small mistakes-for the most part.

A perfect rating means that you think an item is ready for publication(according to many). I will give a five star if I do not notice any mistakes and I love the piece. Who am I to say whether or not a piece is ready for publication? Like I said, I think almost everyone can be published somewhere. Depends on what the e-zine or magazine is looking for, where you submit it, etc. I feel justified in rating work with no spelling or grammar errors, that I immensely enjoyed, with a perfect score.

I tend not to rate lower than average on any given story. You average writer in society writes with errors. I may offer ways for them to change or 'fix' their stories or poems (with what limited knowledge I have-I am NOT an editor) and will tell them to please mail me so I may read and rate it again. I shudder to think how many could be authors are turned off of WDC because of some of the harsh reviews they get here. Some of these authors are also young teens. I TRY and review carefully. I do not want to turn anyone off to writing. This site is not called 'Good Writers.com' but with a little love and support, these people can become better writers.

When the subject of a story is something I disagree with, I can still stay objective enough to rate and review it. If I can not, I walk away from the piece. I had someone recently read a poem of mine. It was actually written and inspired by a native American friend of mine (and will be published in her book once final editing is done). She obviously missed the point of the poem.

ID: 1577317   (Rated: E) I Stand Alone  Standing alone can be a beautiful existence. Written for & inspired by a great friend :-) by Omni~pink bubbles r everywhere

HAWK MOUNTAIN BIRD SANCTUARY

The hawk is one of my spirit guides. I have always looked to the skies and when i see one of these beautiful birds, I know there is a message there, especially when I see more than one or one that comes very close to me.

This sanctuary is located in east-central Pennsylvania. It is is the world's first refuge for birds of prey. It is a protective grounds for all birds of prey. They offer guided tours and are open year round.

I feel sad that there are needs for this kind of 'protective custody' for an sort of animal or bird but it seems man is sometimes intent on killing off certain species due to various reasons.

If you would like to check out this awesome place or learn more about it, please go to: http://www.hawkmountain.org/
 

DEC 30: RE: Literature ... Blog about your favorite author/ novel/ non-fiction -- current read.

I am currently reading a book my daughter bought from the used book store by Judith Spencer. The title of the book is 'Suffer the child'. It is true story about a child who suffered great abuse from a mentally unstable mother and developed multiple personalities as a direct result of heinous acts committed. I am not sure if I believe everything in the book. It is hard to imagine that something so obvious would not be noticed, but then again...there are many cases of extreme abuse that goes unawares until a child dies.

My favorite authors are V.C. Andrews (before she died and a ghost writer took over) and Jean M. Auel who wrote the Earth Children's series. I currently have one hardcover first addition in my collection. I am impatiently waiting her last book. This woman has got to be in her 80's now and she takes ten years to write each book. I am so afraid she will die and someone else will have to finish her books. That would be a shame and evident in the writing, much like it is evident that VC has not been writing books with her name on it for years.

I am open to reading just about everything. I used to read shampoo bottles while in the bathtub or on the toilet. I would read cereal boxes while eating breakfast...I just read.
 

I was asked to blog about: Your take on saving money on staples, rising prices (etc.)


I have found it very necessary to start cutting coupons. When i was younger, I was embarrassed by them, silly I know. I now find it a game to see how much I can save. I also frequent a freebie site where I get free items like toothpaste, deodorant, shampoo samples and sometimes full-sized products. I can try out cereal and snack bars before I waste my money on it and find I dislike it. If anyone would like the site address, please mail me after I get home on the 6th. I would be glad to give it to you. It is awesome for finding out the latest deals as well.

I think in today's economy, we are foolish or very wealthy not to start to try and save on staples or any items we want or need. My mother is married to a man who as an orthopedic surgeon pulled in a quarter of a million a year (I believe this is before taxes, alimony to his first wife etc.) and they still are extremely thrifty and considered penny pinchers. I think this is wise of them. While my mother does not have to worry about coupons, I know she does buy in bulk, watch sales and generally takes good care of her money. they will not hurt in their latter years and that is a good thing.

I hope that we can all come together and help each other learn to save in these trying times. Co-ops are great. There is a place called Angel-food Ministries that buys food is mass bulk and sells them at discount to families or individuals. A chapter just opened up near us. I love it! I think they have a website that you can check to see if they are in your area.


A chance at rediscovery and enlightenment. I want to be a pink bubble.
 

Dec. 28th prompt is: You've a big date with a celebrity. (Who?) he or she cancels. Now what?

Now, yes, I know it is not the 28th. Forgive me as I am a little behind.

To answer this question. I used to have the biggest crush on Richi Sambora from Bon Jovi but he has sort of lost his appeal for his public behavior plus he lost his magic and his hair. I do not have a problem with men losing their hair but when they try to 'thicken' it by using tons of product and teasing it up in some nest of yuck, I do not find it sexy. So, Richi is out.

Now, I love Sam Elliot. He is a little, okay, way older than I am but I am one who likes to go to bed early so perhaps he would be just my speed. He is a man who ages gracefully. But he calls to tell me that even my early bedtime is too late for him. Since I do not feel like celebrating new years at noon so he can take his afternoon nap, I must find another date.

Now, I know that you all may think that Legolas is a fictional character and not a celebrity but in my mind he is very real. You see, I do not find the actor who played him to be sexy or appealing and I am just sad that Sam is such a old fuddy-duddy, I will have my dream date in my dreams. I will keep those dreams to myself as my husband gets very jealous or my school girl comments regarding this fairy boy I actually think Chad should be happy that I no longer have the life-size cardboard cutout of Aragorn in my kitchen. My daughter bought me the life sized replica of another of my 'crushes' (again the movie char not the actor). Aragorn was covered with many red stained kisses. Me and my girlfriend took tons of pictures with him. he actually looked quite real in the photos. Aragorn was abandoned when we moved out of state.

*sighs* I do not have a life-sized Legolas (who I prefer over Aragorn) so I will celebrate my New years with my husband who is actually in some ways, many ways, the man of my dreams and fall asleep and have my romantic, but secret interlude with Legolas later

A chance at rediscovery and enlightenment. I want to be a pink bubble.