I'm out of sorts lately. Having trouble sleeping, waking, writing, thinking or even functioning on some levels. I'm not sure what the cause is.

My friend Jane thinks I may have swine flu. This is due to the fact I have rashe(r)s, a stye and a pot belly. I must admit it made me snort when she offered her diagnosis on our way to market for some oinkment. We'd pigged out earlier on food and wine so had to dash back to her place for a wee wee wee.

It could be the time of year. Our clocks went back an hour last weekend and it's dark at five now. Soon it will be four and with the grey skies and gloomy weather there's little daylight to be had. Add to that the hype of Halloween, Fireworks and the Humbug madness already manifesting itself and I feel the urge to hibernate until spring.

It might be the aftermath of the drama of my Dad's last stay in hospital. He's back at home with his beer, television and servants at his beck and call, but my last nerve is still raw. Every time the phone rings or I hear a siren I have to be scraped off the ceiling.

Perhaps my age and bad habits are finally catching up with me. Do I have to start wearing pleated skirts, cardigans and brogues? Has the time come for a perm or a blue rinse? Should I start going to bingo and flower arranging classes? Or do I need to sign up to therapy groups to overcome my addictions or possibly join a convent? At least it would be peaceful there.

Maybe I'm short of other things as well as time, money, common sense and excitement. Vitamins and minerals perhaps. Not enough water, exercise, quality sleep or stimulating company. I can't remember the last time I had a really good day out. Well, actually I can but it seems ages ago.

But you know me, never one to complain. I shall endeavour to get my act together, sort myself out and make some new November resolutions.

I dusted off the Wii the other day and timidly stepped on it. It yelled 'Who the hell are you and who have you brought with you?' So it's back on the diet, low booze, more exercise, earlier nights and positive thinking bandwagon.

But, hey it's not November yet. I may change my mind tomorrow and just fly off somewhere on my broomstick.