I attended a memorial service this morning dedicated to loved ones we have lost. I was there last year at the same time, yet somehow it was more painful and upsetting today. I guess as time moves on the clarity of what we miss becomes more apparent.

For the first time in my life I think I'm experiencing loneliness. It's an alien concept in a way, something I've never even contemplated before, but it pains me to admit at times I feel so alone it scares me.

I miss my Mum every day of my life, but I know I wouldn't wish her back with the problems she was experiencing and I was having to deal with. It's true time softens those last painful years and it's the good times you tend to remember and long for. I'm left with a great big hole in my heart I can't fill and too much time spent with men who cannot relate.

My Dad is not a bad man, but shows little affection or sensitivity. Much of my time is spent seeing to his needs, dealing with problems that crop up and it feels more of a duty than a loving role. I find it so hard cleaning and going about business in a house that has my mother's stamp all over it, yet my mother is no longer there. Dad doesn't talk about it and so neither do I, but still the tears roll down my face every time I go through that front door.

When my duties are done I return to my own home, where the man who claims he loves me so much is usually in a grumpy mood, has little in the way of conversation and I suspect had a sense of humour bypass at birth. He's constantly tetchy, makes me feel edgy and has no understanding of my needs. Like my Dad, he's not a totally bad man. but he cannot understand my need for space and my desire to enjoy some fun away from family responsibilities. Neither does he see how much I despise his foul language and critical comments.

Then my son and family descend. I love my son unconditionally, but the speed at which he has changed his circumstances still leaves me reeling. From bachelor boy to full blown, dysfunctional family within a matter of months is a hard thing to take on board. I try very hard, I am still prepared to accept his choices and love the grandchildren equally. I will do my best to get on with Mey Ling; I see her strengths and likeable qualities but there is always the fear of what may happen if things don't pan out. It's hard work.

I have a lot of friends, but they have their own lives and without sounding rude they aren't always on my wavelength. I have a lovely sister I truly appreciate but she lives away and I don't see her too often. My online friends have diminished somewhat, but I still appreciate their friendship a great deal. But for whatever reason, at this late stage in life I'm experiencing feelings of loneliness I've never had before and just wish there was someone I could really relate to and talk things through.

Maybe that's what my long time friend Mr/Mrs WDC Blog is here for. I think it's about four years now since I started this blogging thing. Heart on sleeve right from the start and much as things have changed a great deal from when I started, there's no place like home. All I need now are some ruby slippers, a tin man, a scarecrow and a cowardly lion and I'll go skipping down that yellow brick road to see the wizard who can give me all the answers. Well, what is life without fantasies?