Its funny, I really picked a great time to try and break myself from this writing depression and write more. But timing really couldn’t have been worse.

Today marks the fifth anniversary of a rappers passing. Lisa “Left Eye” Lopes from TLC. I grew up to TLC, and learned a lot from them. Hell, I don’t even know if I would be writing now if it was not for them. And I know it may sound funny but they are my female role models; and to see one of them leave, its heart breaking.

But that’s only half the reason why I feel so down in the dumps. When I was younger and trying to deal with death for the first time with Lisa, it was my family (mostly my parents and grandmother) who help me deal. And two years after Lisa’s passing my grandmother passes suddenly also. It was something we were defintaly not ready for. And mostly I wasn’t ready because I wasn’t home, I was away at school. So I cant shake this feeling like I wasn’t there and never got the change to say good-bye. So its times like these where I see where she needs to be and is not that hurts the most.

Two of the most important people in my life are gone and I don’t know how to deal with that.
:’-(
 

I’m starting to realize why its so hard for me to start a story or to finish a story I have already started. I’m not good at articulating my thoughts; plain and simple. The story I see in my head and the story you read on paper can be two totally different stories. And it scares me to know that there is a big possibility that I will not do my idea justice. In my head, my stories can seem so flawless that everything flows together in one perfect seem. But in real life and on paper it’s a fully flawed piece of shit.

A lot of things that I think about or think up are good ideas, but I always find a way to screw it up and it doesn’t turn out the way I see it. If the simple act of me writing is difficult, then why am I a writer? Why do I call me self that? Why is (or was I changed it, partly because of this reason) it in my name!

And there are so many people that I know (that is around my own age) who are writers in ever sense of the word. They have accomplishment, there publish; they have won money from contests. And here I am still trying to writer a short story I thought up 3 years ago, while I go unnoticed at a writing site.

And what I’m asking for I know it is not a difficult thing; for a writer to be able to write. That’s like asking a artist to be able to hold a pencil.

How come things are so difficult for me? The basic things people take for granted I have a problem with and it gets tiring.


 

Let’s see I have 4 classes tomorrow, and I have something due in every one of those classes that is due tomorrow. And I also need to finish 3 of my stories by tomorrow.

hmm, lets see what I can pull out of my ass. And lets see how many gray hairs I get from this.


p.s. while I was at work today, it was slow, and I was hanging out with some of my smoking friends. They asked me if I smoke and I said yeah (I do, I just stop for a minute). Sense everyone was smoking and I wasn’t they got me a Black N’ Mild for me (and I took it because them things are not cheap!). And I’ll tell you this it was great! It has been a while sense I’d smoked (like I said and I think I might miss it a little). And even though I like it, I can’t get to carried away, I’m in season, but it is not going to be easy.
 

Rosa Parks, Civil Rights Icon Dies at 92. Damn.
http://articles.news.aol.com/news/article.adp?id=20051024223309990004&ncid=...
 

I need to buckle down and become more serious about writing. I am the only thing holding myself back from becoming a better writer. I doubt myself when I shouldn’t, and I fear putting my stories (when I actually finish one) out for everyone to see.
I know it is something I need to work on but I don’t know how. I don’t know what to do. Maybe I should just shut up and take the plunge.

 

I took the cop out and entered an old story I did so I can at least say that I did enter in it. I’m still going to try and finish the story when I get back home from work.
 

Let’s see, I have less then 3 hours to finish this story I have been trying to finish for months so I can enter it into a contest. I was trying to finish more than one but at this point I‘ll settle for one. But I have a feeling I won’t because I am not good with deadlines. Let’s see what happens.

 

Your blog, "Random Deep Thoughts" , was last updated 59 Days 23 Hours 28 Minutes ago...damn!
I was never good at keeping a journal, all of my attempts has always ended up as a failure. I wonder what that saids about me.

 

Well my birthday has come on gone (well about 30mins ago), and it was an ok one. I went on eBay and I’m still biding on things (that’s not good for me; I’m going to end up owning someone a lot of money). Some friends called, others didn’t. Some even came by and sang happy birthday to me. And I even got a cook out and some cake.
But I had some downfalls; I found some of my friends are not as close as I thought they where. But fuck it the ones who do care about me came by and called.

 

I was wrong that place. Things and people never change! There are still people there that think they are better than everyone else. And have nothing but negative things to say to you. I only made a post saying hello to everyone and all ready there is this person talking how wack I am. But that’s ok, I’m just going to take what I want and that’s it. And I know now how to better handle these people. They don’t mean shit to me. There nothing but words on a screen. Fuck them!