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Writing.Com Time

Saturday
May 26, 2012
8:41pm EDT


Content Rating Notice:  Recommended for Readers 18 Years and Older Only
  >> Book >> Experience >> ID #930577  |   Show DetailsPrinter Friendly Page Tell A Friend
It Hurts When I Stop Talking
Blog started in Jan 2005: 1st entries for Write in Every Genre. Then the REAL ME begins
Rated:
18+
by
Avg Rating: (2)
 
Hand-me Downs, Hand-me Ups
and Alzheimer’s In-between


Sometime in Fall of 1998, when a visit from Dad was infrequent, and primarily at the mercy of his 88 Toyota making the 50 mile journey, I was being treated to lunch. The restaurant was my choice, I think. Sisley Italian Kitchen at the Town Center mall was somewhere my dad had not yet tried, so that was my pick. Either I was being treated to the luxury of lunch and adult conversation without my husband and 5 year old son in tow, or that's just how the moment has lodged in my memory. The more I think about it, they probably were there, but enjoying the Italian food too much to bother interrupting.

Daddy and his lady friend at the time, Ann, came up together and made a day of it with me and the family. We were eating together and talking about some of my scripts, stories, coverages, poems and other creative attempts that really were not seeing the light of day. I think I'd just finished a group reading of The Artist's Way and was in a terribly frenetic mood over my writing. I think I'd just given them an entire rundown on a speculative Star Trek script.

My Dad asked me point blank, “Why don’t you write it?? Ann agreed. It sure sounded like I wanted to write it. Why wasn't I writing seriously? It's what I'd set out to do when earning my college degree in Broadcasting many years earlier.

Heck, I should, I agreed non-verbally.

“I will.”

But, I didn’t.

Blogs can be wild, unpredictable storehouses of moments, tangents, creative dervishes, if you will. I'm getting a firmer handle on my creative cycle. My mental compost heap (which is a catch phrase from Natalie Goldman or Julia Cameron - I can't think which, right now) finally seems to be allowing a fairly regular seepage of by-products. That may be a gross analogy, but I give myself credit to categorize my work in raw terms. It proves that I'm not so much the procrastinating perfectionist that I once was.

Still, I always seem to need prompts and motivation. Being a self-starter is the next step. My attempt to keep up in the Write in Every Genre Contest at the beginning of the year seemed like a perfect point to launch the blog.

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1.  Values in and out of focusID #746246 
Posted: 2-3-2012 @ 6:52 am EST 
Edited: 2-3-2012 @ 8:02 am EST 

I am grateful to my rabbi. I have not been brought up in the Jewish faith, but I prefer the honor of calling her by the same name Jesus was called by his followers, Rabbi. She is a true teacher. She prepares us for the message of other teachers in her absence. She has called on us all to identify our strongest values and to use them, meditate upon them, act from them.

At my church, I have watched our beloved minister developing herself through contact with a mentor. I wonder how many people can say that about their spiritual center's leader? I am in awe of my own perceptiveness to the growth I see in her and the impact it has.This exposure to one whom she respects, inspires me. She learns in a blend of retreat and sacred connection, and certainly spends much time on her own deep work after the fact. What I relish for myself is experiencing something of the same widening circle of others she connects with. For, I know, she exponentially grows in Truth from the connections she makes in her journeys.

I have been a hesitant creature for a lifetime, except for those moments when I connect joyously, and love someone instantly. My marriage is sprouted from such a moment. So are all my adventurous friendships. Friendships with people that I cling to obsessively, but would back away from as quickly if breathing room was required to maintain the purity of the connection. It sounds like I am saying I want more friends, but I do not think there is any difficulty in attracting people to me.

It always returns to an idea of connection. I am pouring something of myself into others. Am I allowing others the same avenue to pour something of themselves into me? I'm seeking, seeking...am I stopping long enough to receive the offered drink of divine water? Much of the time, people admire that I carry myself in a determined way, and with a smile. I know it is something that satisfies, but I also see how smiles and pat answers in greeting are worn as a mask. My smile can simply cloak what I feel like revealing. For a while now, I have noticed an anxious recognition, like I am starving. If this is my heart suffering, and any well of joy I have remaining runs dry, then what am I pouring out? Do I really need to try harder? Do you dig deeper to revitalize your existing well, or do you sink into the earth for a new well?

God, use my beauty -- that divine depth of what I am to express -- Help me to express my values in all that I do.
Jami Lula sings to me right in this moment..."emancipate the divine of my soul!"

This I know, I only realize God operating through me where Love and Passion are involved. For me it is completely transient if I am not passionate about it.

So far, these, under the umbrella of Love and Passion are the ones for me:

Compassion
Appreciation
Justice

And the paths that I wear by walking with these values translate into these actions:

Compassion - Healing
Appreciation - Grateful discovery with perspective
Justice - Discerning what is right

Oh God, I hear. Let others know, but others will not decide for you.

What do I do with who I am? I cannot sleep while still on the mountaintop.

There's no turning back now.

I look for the words to release this to action. The first word there?
Express.

Yes

 



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