I enjoyed your prologue and first chapter very much. I like the way you write and the pace, which is consistent. The story unfolded gently as we got to know the characters. you introduced them logically and gave us something to like about each one. The villains came into the story with a screech of car wheels, suggesting that something tragic, apart from the the tornado, was going to happen.
I didn't notice anything wrong in the English except one misplaced comma.
I am English and live in a large town so the environment you describe is totally alien to me. Because of that I am fascinated by your descriptions and the way the characters speak and converse with each other.
You have made an excellent start to the story and I wish you well with it.
Hello Loyd, Here we have the story that leads from the first lie. Oh my goodness, what a lesson to learn. Truly frightening how this is panning out.
Once again you have handled the flashback situation very well, I wasn't confused and the way you've done it adds to the interest. I'm not sure who is having the worst time of it - Claire, Courtney or Josey and poor little Leyla, oh my.
I loved the bit where Claire bangs her hand down on the table and makes the other two jump. That would be scary and cause their hearts to beat very fast.
So now I think I've guessed where we go next, but am I right? I'll have to wait til the next chapter to find out.
Hello Loyd, This is a revealing chapter and as this is a public review, I don't want to give too much away? I'm not sure if we are supposed to in case the information spoils it for someone reading the review?
So, I'll be careful. The decision that Claire makes regarding the forthcoming event is momentous. Also, as I've watched lots of TV programmes about this subject, it is not unusual and yet unbelievable in it's conclusions. I would call it devastating and very far reaching. The decisions made, they have to be kept to and the outcomes are bound to be unexpected - unintended consequences for sure.
You have dealt with the flashbacks very well. I wasn't confused. It all flowed logically and I'm very much looking forward to reading what happens next.
hello and thank you for this very interesting story :) I love that mum got an allotment so daughter could watch things grow and participate, but oh my goodness, what a surprise was in store for the pair of them.
There is a great sense of place in your story. I love all the descriptions and the slow build up to the surprise at the end. Love the clues!
The characters are believable. I felt so sorry for the little girl missing her garden and for mum, who was trying to make a better life for them both.
My only suggestion would be to introduce the fairies into the story a bit slower.
Great work and very enjoyable. Good luck in the contest :)
Hello Loyd, Claire doesn't sound too happy about the forthcoming baby. She would have preferred it to wait a few years so its mum could establish her career and get married, but, as so often happens, Meemaw is becoming reconciled to it, little by little. It was nice to have a flashback to see how all this story started and I am looking forward to more of them.
Just where did Meemaw ad Meemee come from? We have Granny, Gran and Nanna, but never Meemaw. I, myself am Oma, because I have Dutch connections.
My favourite line: The younger woman had already eaten the chicken and was poking around in the leaves looking for something good that she might have missed. I can just picture that scene. It felt so real, LOL
Nothing wrong that I could see and the paragraphs are sorting themselves out nicely.
A beautiful story, which I thoroughly enjoyed. The images of the garden were captivating and the moral of the story shone through. You paced the story well, it moved along methodically and I didn't see any significant errors. This is a story for you to be proud of. well done.
Hello Loyd, Ah ha! that was different. So now we are getting a look back at how all this came about in Courtney's life. Well written and interesting. Yes, you explained it all very well. We do go through all those emotions and they are not all rational, are they. Praying might help to sort out our thoughts. Maybe God will have the time to listen but there is also a wrathful God, isn't there? I wonder how this will all pan out?
It was nice to get away from Chris and Evelyn for a little while.
In the paragraph starting 'she leaned against the sink', I think you meant spat, not spit?
The mystery continues and I haven't managed to guess into it yet! Cal is being very cagey and doesn't want to give anything away. Who is he protecting, I wonder - himself, his mum, Josey or Leyla? It certainly is a complicated family. I'm thinking the mystery starts with Cal's mum. So many questions still to answer.
I'll keep reading. I do hope Christ gets some good luck soon :)
Hello Loyd, I enjoyed this chapter. Murfreesboro Pike sounds familiar to me. I lived in Knoxville for a while and discovered how long these Pikes can be!
It was a good idea to put a resume in this chapter. I hadn't realised that it was only a week since all this started and here we are 26 chapters later. Amazing. My story happens over the course of nearly three years with the same number of chapters. Yes, I liked the resume.
So Evelyn takes a bit of stick from the regular police! That's interesting. She will need their help in the future though so it will pay her to keep friendly with them.
You have a good way of keeping the scenes alive by your use of character interplay.
That story was very pleasant to read and it had a very satisfactory outcome. I think from now on the grass snake will mean good luck and have a happy home in the house. Lots of interesting details in your story and you have a winner too. Congratulations on that and very well done. Lovely story :)
Your piece today made me smile, a lot and I will forever think about leprechauns when I eat a peanut butter sandwich! Now I have not thought much about leprechauns unless I see a rainbow, which is maybe not too surprising because I am not Irish. However, I do intend to remedy that.
So, your piece is inspiring and welcome. Is it good enough to win a competition - well that depends on who is judging it!
Well Mo, you certainly opened that door a chink for us to go inside! Memories are like precious stones or photographs from long ago. We take them out from time to time and look at them with wonder. How beautiful they are and yet how fragile. Thank you for showing us some of your photographs and for letting us see the colours in your precious stones. I'm glad they still shine as bright today.
I really feel sorry for Chris. He's been through the mill, hasn't he! His faith appears to absorb all the hurt that life throws at him, but now there is a chink of light in the darkness - his co-worker feels something more than friendship for him, but every time they get close, another horror comes along to thwart their happiness.
This chapter tells us a little about the couple's backstory, thereby enriching their characters and making them feel more real. Perhaps we will hear more in future chapters. I like the way that Evelyn handled her mother.
There is something a bit odd about the chapter formation indents. I didn't notice it the first time, when I was reading the chapter on my I-pad, but now I am on the computer and it looks different. I have had trouble with paragraph spacing myself on this website so maybe it's just a foible.
Aah the value of a grandparent! it should never be taken for granted! your piece was very well written and flowed well. I'm not sure if this was a real occurrence, but it felt very real. what interested me most was the story between the lines, I.e the grandma's relationship with the daughter and so further on with her daughter. Should Grandma have told her daughter as soon as the granddaughter turned up?
All in all it goes to show that being a grandparent is not always easy.
Hello Sam :) I really like this piece. It reminds me of the film called 'Harvey' with Jimmy Stewart, 1950, where the lead man has a companion rabbit that only he can see. I don't know why your protagonist wants to dress up like a dog, but it doesn't sound sinister. It sounds mischievous. I like the lead up to that event and the way his wife calls him out.
Hello Loyd :) I really liked the start of this chapter. You placed the reader (me, lol) on a cracked orange chair etc. etc. and it felt so real, like I was actually there listening to the conversation as it developed. You are very good at dialogue and yes, it feels like the R is in the conversation, but the descriptions of the place really do add something.
This conversation with Josey needed to happen and now it has and we learn that she is still suffering her delusions about Leyla and because of that we wonder about her relationship with Rachel. Is that delusional too? Probably not, because so far there is only one person who actually gets on with Rachel and that's her friend at church, Claire Wilkins.
I think Josey has had a hard time, first staying with one set of parents and then with the other. That would drive anyone over the edge and then a baby coming along in the midst of all of it
A really good chapter in which we learn more about Josey. I'd like to know more about her own childhood.
There is warning here for vandals; don't mess with what you don't understand! I enjoyed your story as the interest in the ring and the necklace built, but I felt the revenge part was a bit overdone. I get that Mr. Jennings's mind was distraught from the death of his wife and daughter, but to want to do what he ended up doing (no spoilers), went a bit too far maybe.
Clever how you showed the real intent!
In any case the story flowed well and was a good length. The lads sounded real and their language was appropriate. Well done!
That's a very nice, romantic chapter as Evelyn makes her feelings towards Chris a bit plainer. She seems to want a relationship, but she is holding back on being converted to Christianity. Maybe Chris doesn't want to convert anybody just now, just get himself better first. He says his faith is the most important thing in his life and that could be hard for Evelyn to accept, but she is curious. It will be interesting to see how events continue. That's the nice bit. The nasty bit is lurking in the background as Evelyn is worried that the two men who knocked at her door recently may be the same men who attacked Chris.
Let's see how that develops... Well done!
Hello and welcome to the community :) You sound young and that's a good thing, a very good thing because you are willing to learn and willing to participate. That's not easy sometimes for a young person to do especially in this world with all its technology. I am writing this from my point of view because I'm old so if you are not young, then I apologise and if I'm right, then good on you!
You are interested in other worlds and that's great too because the universe will be yours to play with. What do you like to read? That's a starting off point. Then, if you're finding it a bit difficult, try categorising your thoughts. For example, first find a place for your story to happen: write it down and as the days progress, elaborate. Then, find some characters to live in your 'place' or visit your place. Next, you could ask yourself some questions, like 'why are my characters here' or 'when did my characters get to this place?' There are only so many story lines you see :) Ask yourself who, why, where, what and when and you won't go far wrong.
Try writing a short piece using what I have suggested above and if you like it, make each paragraph a bit longer. Try using your senses, like what did my characters see when they got to this place? and what did they hear? Was it quiet or noisy? frightening or comforting? Was it hot or cold, watery or dry. Don't forget that your characters have an inner voice too. You can add their thoughts.... how did the new place make them feel? or if it's an old place, why are they trying to leave?
I think really you should have put your piece above in the community forum. You may get more responses there, but in any case, I saw it here, so it worked for me. I found your piece interesting.
Lastly, don't forget the real world. Go for a walk every day and get some fresh air. It's not good for you to be online all the time. Again, use your senses so when you come home, ask yourself - do I feel better now? Is my brain working better? were the colours clearer? what did I smell as I walked around. These are all the experiences that will help with your writing.
Chap 21 and it was lovely Loyd. There was so much care and love in that chapter in every corner. Chris and Evelyn are born to be kind, kind to everyone and kind to each other. Even in his own suffering, Chris wants to go and visit a recently widowed man, who he knows is finding it very hard to live without his wife. Just by visiting Dalton and listening to him, Chris lets Dalton know that he is loved and someone cares about how he is feeling, just like Jesus did when Lazarus died. Incidentally that was the first time I noticed that you reminded us of a story from the Bible where Jesus performs one of his miracles.
And now, ho ho! Evelyn has planted a cheeky kiss on Chris and now wonders if she should have done that because it sends a message, doesn't it. Poor Chris is suffering a lot physically, but he is being very brave and he feels loved too.
I noticed a naughty extra full stop in the second paragraph if you care to take it out?
Well done. A long, feel good chapter, which made me feel happy too.
Phew, that was a lot of tiredness in one piece! I noticed that you wrote it in 2016, which is ten years ago now, so I sincerely hope that things have improved since then? Can we have an update now? I'd love to know if any of that has got better.
Nothing wrong with the English, although I don't know what CFO stands for?
I agree with you on almost all of what you wrote, except that I am English so our politics differ, or does it? I am also tired of politicians who say one thing and do another.
A phrase that an old friend of mine once said has often come back into my mind when I feel like you did (do). She said 'I feel like a host plant, with everybody sucking the life out of me.' That stuck with me. Maybe it will make you smile too. Also my father in law once said 'Don't worry, it won't matter in ten years time.' and he was right on so many occasions. Now, I find myself saying the same thing to my children.
The other day I was feeling a bit down and what I felt was...'I wanted my mum and I wanted her to give me a hug.' As mums we are truly very lucky, don't you think, because our children want us when they really need us and that makes us really special, even when we are feeling like you did in this piece.
I hope you are well and happy today. Cling on to the little things that make you happy and the bigger things will fall into place eventually.
Hello Loyd, So here we are at chapter 20 already! Evelyn's feelings for Chris are developing nicely, but since they are born of such tragic occurrences, I don't know if that is a good basis for a relationship? Maybe the Counsellor can help them with those thoughts. It obviously bothers Evelyn that her feelings for Chris are getting stronger and the death of John Toland, a good friend, have also driven her emotions to a height that she can barely cope with.
Things are hotting up for Evelyn because now she is in danger herself. There is definitely something threatening about the Leyla situation and I think we need to know soon what that is?
A totally absorbing story with a moral. well done. I enjoyed reading it very much. Yes, a good moral - don't let your practical jokes get out of hand. It's lucky that Fiona's mobile phone was so near at hand so that she could ring the emergency service when she realised that Cadence was hurt, but sad that it was too late.
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/starproms
Generated in 0.13 seconds at 5:19pm on Apr 17, 2026 via server WEBX2.
un: 
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Community Feed
Puzzle Hub
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
Workspaces
My review has been submitted for consideration in "