Tragedy

I remember something soft

Something warm and cool

Your friendship guided me

Down quiet hallways

I remember thinking you were the one

And telling myself I was a fool

But I didn't listen

I never have, you know

You said it yourself one day

I am so enamored of my dreams

I fail to see reality

I wish it had been different

I wish I had listened to you

Instead of drowning you out

So I wouldn't hear how wrong I was

But things fell apart anyway

And in the end, my self-protection

Backfired

I lost you

I lost your friendship, your trust

I threw it all away over an ideal

One that was false and empty

I made it up

My dreams of marrying my bestfriend

I blinded myself, blinded you

I know it wasn't just me

Honestly, I don't care

My responsibility weighs on me

I am heavy with shame and sadness

I wish I could tell you I'm sorry

And hear forgiveness in your voice

Not this bitter silence

I wish I could take back the hurt I gave you

I hurt you because I was hurting

Broken by old wounds that have never healed

I blocked you out as effectively as I have God

And the consequences are as painful

But the hurt goes back further

I wanted to be your friend, your confidant

But I was never completely honest

I was blunt, oh I was blunt

But I never let you inside my fortress

The fortress around my heart

I loved you, yes, more than anything

But I couldn't trust myself to trust you

It wasn't your fault

It was mine, I am to blame for that

I didn't know how much I needed you

Or how completely I had shut you out

I didn't know until you were gone

How much I need you

Not as a lover, or husband

But as my friend

I blew it big time, talking about my crush

I should have been silent, patient

Maybe it would have come to the same thing

Or maybe I would have moved away last year

And we would never have dated

I don't know

All I know is that I still love you

You were the closest friend I have ever had

Bar none

And I miss you, miss your voice

I wish I had another chance to be your friend

To do it right this time, to trust you

You hurt me as I hurt you, but I'm glad!

You taught me a lesson I can't forget

Honesty is a two-way street

I want you to be honest with me

I must be honest with myself

And I wasn't honest with either

I lied to myself, and to you by proxy

I hate that

I hate that I never gave you a chance

To show me that you cared

I always gave you just enough to wonder

Then slammed the door in your face

I hate that I hurt you, made you bleed inside

I wish I could change it, but I can't

I can't undo the past

Can you forgive me?

Look past the lies and distrust

And see the real me

You've always known me - I just wouldn't admit it

You saw the real Alena, the one I bury

And because you were always true to her

I'm finally letting her live

I wish you could know her in practice

Not just theory, intuition

I don't know who she is yet, only a little

But you already told me you like her

And I don't mean in a romantic sense

Like we already tried and failed

I mean as my friend