Notes (revised)

         I wrote this as an exercise, both to practice stream-of-consciousnes and to get used to one of my characters' point of view. I left the genders ambiguous on purpose; even if I do have certain characters in mind, I'd like to think it could be from anyone to anyone.

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         I know I don't deserve your love, for I'm not brave enough to claim it. The mere idea of rejection frightens me so, and I'd rather adore you from afar than risk rejection, a 'no' from your lips. As gentle as you might be when you say it, as good a friend, I do not doubt that it would kill me.

         And you... you are so brave, so strong and confident, that you would not hesitate to tell me if you felt this way; you wouldn't dwell in hopeless dreams like I do. You would tell me, and if you haven't so far that can only mean - but no, I can't bring myself to put down in words what my heart knows so well already.

         I'd rather watch you from a distance, but have you near. I'd rather keep you as an unfulfilled hope, something that could be, and pretend that when you smile at me there is more than friendship in your eyes.

         But I cannot keep my feelings to myself, I cannot live with all this love burning me from the inside, and never let it out.

         So I leave notes to you. Did you notice them? Tiny things, lines that a kid who has a childish crush on you would say. Your laughter makes me happy inside. Your smile is like the sun.

         I wish you would like me.

         Maybe you do think they're from a child. Maybe it's better that way. You're not supposed to know they're mine; you're not supposed to answer. But I want to tell you, I need to tell you, and there is no other way.

         When I allow myself to dream, I wish that someday you will come to show them to me. You will tell me about these strange things you keep finding, how sweet they are, how they make you smile. You will tell me how wonderful it is to know that someone loves you, even if you don't know who it is.

         I wish nothing else than to make you happy, to let you know you are loved. But failure terrifies me so much that I simply can't do that if you're aware. The only way I know is through these notes.

         This letter, the real one, you'll never see.