The Traveler's Guide to N00bs Ch. 2

Chapter 2: N00bs in the Wild

Folks, you must understand that the n00b is a very delicate sub-species of human, much unlike the Nerd, Jock, and Prima Donna subspecies. The #1 rule when encountering a wild n00b is to always ignore its non-existent "l33tness". Many n00bs will eventually grow up to become "l33ts", but an equal, sometimes greater (depending on the setting), number of n00bs will never mature enough to fully understand the error of their n00bish ways. Understanding the language of 1337, the international tongue of n00bs, is a must when attempting to communicate with a n00b, even though most n00bs understand basic English (although many do not recognize phrases such as "No, don't attack that!" and "Being level 1 does NOT mean you can kill Dragons with a stick."). The #2 rule is to always remain calm and NEVER give the n00b attention it doesn't need, unless the n00b is asking for assistance. When a n00b does not know how to do something, it is proper behavior to always tell the n00b what it wants to know, unless it repeatedly spams the same question over and over again. If it does, then the repeated text should be ignored. Reacting in a negative way only encourages its n00bish behavior.

The #3 rule is if the n00b in question is letting out its signature mating call of "OMGWTFBBQ!!11!!!1!!one!!", which can often be heard from miles away, the best thing to do is to leave the n00b alone and wait for another n00b to make its way to the n00b you have encountered. Remember: the only living creature less intelligent and less socially retarded than a n00b is another n00b. Undistracted, two n00bs together can be a very beautiful thing (as long as one has patience and does not mind reading endless spouts of all-capital text), but if one were to jump in and try to stop the n00bs from performing their ritual mating ceremony (which I have just described), both n00bs may get very angry and their joyful n00bism will turn into rage, which will then be focused onto you. An angry n00b is never a good thing. Different n00bs may be calmed down in different ways; in Phantasy Star Online, one n00b may be satisfied with receiving an "uber ultra mega super double triple rare Monomate", while another may be satisfied by telling it that Hunters and Rangers can eventually equip canes if they try to equip it 1000 times. In Final Fantasy XI, EverQuest, and World of Warcraft, pointing the n00b in the direction of the "easiest" monsters that give "good" experience points will not only keep it busy for awhile, but will also provide you with quite the laugh. In Halo, Counterstrike, and the like, however, n00bs can get a bit more difficult (especially since you can actually hear them talk in those worlds). In those cases, just letting the n00b kill you a few times will generally keep it satisfied and will keep the OMAIGAWDWUTDUHFUKWASDATUFUKNHAXORGOAWAYBEFOREDUHADMINBANSUs to a minimum. Just remember that all n00bs are different, and some may be more unreasonable than others.

If you follow these simple rules, dealing with wild n00bs should be no problem to any common player like you or me.