In Defense of Dahmer

In Defense of Dahmer

Dear Jeffrey,

I know you probably get lots of fan mail in jail, but I have to tell you, I think you are soooo cute! I used to work with you in the chocolate factory in Milwaukee. You remember me? Tanya? The blond hair, that I always kept in a ponytail? I used to wear a t-shirt that said “Spoil Me?”

I bet those rumors of you being gay and all are like, totally false. You are waaaay too cute to be gay.

And come on now, who would have time to chop up bodies when you worked so many hours at the factory? The dipping and mixing was exhausting, wasn’t it? I bet all you had energy to do when you got home was flip on the t.v. and put a frozen lasagna in the microwave.

I think that cop looking in your refrigerator was like, a total invasion of your privacy. First amendment, right? I think you should sue him for defamation of character. And who’s to say those weren’t special effect heads in there? And seriously, how can anyone tell human bicep flesh from a rare Porterhouse steak? It’s ridiculous.

Sure, you had a hacksaw and drill in your apartment. I have those too! How could they even think a cute guy like you would use that to chop someone up? I bet that black guy that ran from your house was just angry because he came on to you and you told him no. You were saving yourself for that cute blond girl at work. I bet that’s why he ran from your house. How dare he falsely accuse you of wanting to cut out his heart and eat it? Sounds like the ramblings of an unrequited crush to me!

Anyways, I have an appointment at Family Aid, so I have to get going. Keep your cute little chin up, I bet those people who convicted you will see the light soon. I believe in you, and your innocence.

Hugs and kisses
Xoxoxoxoxox
Tanya