chapter thirty-seven

25 May, prelude

Susie pulled the vest in front of her as Duncan moved it onto her shoulders. A white blouse. What had possessed her to wear a white peasant blouse to an outdoor concert, especially when rain had been threatening? And she had forgotten something –- her jacket. She scolded herself mentally; he would think she was a real flake, or at the least, slightly incompetent.

Keeping a hand closed around the vest’s edges, she thanked him. The rain was strengthening. She would have been completely exposed by now if he hadn’t offered it. Not completely. She wouldn’t begin to think of going braless like many of the girls were now doing. And the wet material was making it apparent all around her which ones did. They didn’t seem to care. She would have been horrified.

“Let’s try t’ ge’ out of here. I do no’ think it’s going t’ stop.”

She shivered and nodded. So far, it was just rain. No storm. But the clouds were getting darker, and it was an icy rain. She had barely been warm enough before it started.
Grasping his arm with her free hand, she followed as he pushed through the crowd. The band kept playing. But then, they were under a canopy, not getting soaked like the audience packed in as close to the front as they could get while still being able to breathe. It was more crowded than she’d expected. They were just local bands and singers, all of them. All were good, though – worth listening to, and she hated having to leave. She hoped the next day would be nicer weather.

Wanting to wipe the rain off her face, Susie debated. There was no way she would let go of his arm in this crowd while he was moving. And the vest wouldn’t stay closed by itself, having no snaps or buttons. It was hard to see, though, with water dripping off her eyelashes. Moving further behind him, she pressed up against his arm, allowing it to hold the vest, or at least block the view. He looked back as she shoved water away from her eyes.

She saw his thoughts, though he tried to push them away. While debating whether to take advantage of his pause by brushing her fingers through his wet hair, telling him that even through the rain, she was having … maybe the best time she’d ever had, they were rammed by a guy walking backwards, who then turned and laughed about it, breathing alcohol in their faces. Duncan shoved him.

Stumbling and barely avoiding hitting the muddy grass, the guy started yelling, throwing curses and threats.

Susie felt her boyfriend pulling away and grabbed his arm tighter. He stopped, staring the kid down, and took another step just to shut him up. “Try walkin’ ass first next time.”
She tried not to laugh, as others around them were doing, and went along with him when he began walking again. Of course the kid wasn’t going to push anything. He was scrawny, and so bombed he couldn’t stand straight. And Duncan’s stare wasn’t to be ignored.

**

Finding the blue Ford, Duncan pulled the keys from his pocket and unlocked the passenger door, opening it for his girlfriend. She shivered getting inside. He felt like an idiot for not watching the sky more closely. He should’ve got her back to the car before it started pouring. Being out there with her, though, watching her enjoying the music and being part of the crowd, and noticing the stares he got as though wondering why she’d be wasting her time with him, Duncan got too distracted. He’d been irritated with himself since he’d had to put his vest over her to protect her privacy. Although, he’d had trouble trying not to let himself enjoy that. She was so sensual in her ultimately feminine white blouse and his worn out old leather vest. He guessed she wouldn’t appreciate knowing what he’d been thinking … what he was still thinking. It just looked too damn good on her to avoid the thoughts, especially when she had pressed herself against his arm.

Shaking off the thoughts again, he squeezed what water he could out of his hair before climbing in behind the wheel. A futile gesture, since they were both dripping and were now soaking the inside of her car. Starting the engine to get the heat going, he looked over. She didn’t seem upset, though she had every right to be. “I ‘m sorry about this.”

“About what?” She brushed hair away from her face. Some of it had pulled out of the braid.

“We should ‘ave left sooner.”

She looked down, and shrugged. “I knew it was coming. I could feel it.”

“Feel it?” Duncan hadn’t noticed a temperature drop.

“Well….” Her eyes avoided his. “The air changes, you know. It’s just … different, just before it rains. You can feel it.” She pushed her shoes off her feet and then leaned down to get rid of the socks. “You can say it. The guys think I’m nuts, too.”

“I do no’ think y’ are nuts.” He caught her eyes. “Why didn’t y’ say we should go?”

“I didn’t want to go. I was having fun.” She pulled back again. “But I guess I should have. Leather isn’t supposed to get wet, is it? Will it be okay?”

The vest. She was worried about the vest? “It has been we’ before. It does no’ matter. Bu’ your car…”

“It’s been wet before, too.” She wiped at a trickle of water that was trying to drip from her hair into her face. “I tend to forget the windows. Guess it’s good that it’s an old car, right?”

Duncan grinned, then moved the gear shift to reverse. They’d decided to just leave their things in the car and find a hotel when they left for the night. Hopefully nearby. But it was more crowded than Duncan had expected for unknown bands. Should be a good omen for their own show on the last night of the season. Even the rain hadn’t chased much of the crowd away.

The first three hotels Duncan checked out were booked solid. It made him even more irritated at himself. The next two had only one room each, with single beds, and he didn’t like the atmosphere. The storm gained strength and pelted the windshield and Susie tensed more as they went along. She jumped at a nearby flash of lightening and pulled her legs up against the seat when the car hydroplaned in a puddle he hadn’t seen. It was black by now, with the clouds covering any light the moon would have provided. And she was getting upset, though she didn’t say anything.

Thirty-five miles away from the beach, he spotted another small motel sign. He didn’t want a motel. He wanted something with at least two levels so her room wouldn’t be on the ground floor. But they were leaving the city area and were finding fewer options for anything.

Getting her agreement, he pulled into the front of the building. He didn’t like how this one looked, either. For himself, it was fine. Not for her.

She again objected to staying in the car while he went in, though there was no canopy to keep her out of the rain this time. But she wouldn’t have it, slipping the wet tennis shoes back on her feet and pulling at the front of the vest to keep it from opening.

One room. A double this time, but still only one bed.

“Take it. It’s okay.”

Her voice vibrated through him. Take it. She wanted out of the storm.

Ignoring the expression on the old man’s face as he accepted the room offer, Duncan asked for extra towels. For a fee. Of course, and he didn’t care. He could get Susie into the room and go back out to sop up some of the extra water from the car upholstery. Hopefully, the seats wouldn’t be too wet the next day.

**

Susie set her bag on the table by the entrance of the small room. She wasn’t sure she wanted it on the floor of the dingy motel. It looked clean enough, and they were out of the storm. The bed seemed small for a double, but at this point, she didn’t care. The mix of anxiety and cold had her exhausted. As long as there was hot water and the heater worked, it was fine.

Duncan was already checking the room’s radiator, suggesting she go shower and warm up while it started to work. She didn’t object this time, picking up her bag again. She did wish now that she had brought her robe along. Silly, she supposed, since her pajamas would cover her, but they were pajamas. She wasn’t even comfortable that way in front of Evan.

She looked back at her boyfriend from the sink area at the far side of the room. He pulled his shirt off, laying it over one side of the heater. Then he grabbed one of the towels and mopped at his guitar case. Maybe he would agree to play for her tonight, since he had it anyway. Although, he was probably too tired, after driving all the way to the beach and then back so long through the storm.

Setting her bag down, she pulled the vest off her shoulders and hung it on one of the attached hangers in the opening for a make-do closet. Keeping her front side away from the rest of the room, Susie had no idea whether he was watching her as she moved into the tiny bathroom. She let herself hope he was.



The room was warmer when she stepped back onto the worn carpet with her bare feet. The idea of her unprotected skin touching whatever wasn’t cleaned off the stained areas made her think about putting her shoes back on. But they were soaked. So were her clothes. She’d thrown her undergarments into the plastic bag she’d brought, as she always did when she traveled in order to separate clean from dirty, and now moved to the closet area again to hang her clothes. An absence in the room pulled her eyes. He wasn’t there.

His guitar case was, though. It was propped against the table. Moving further into the room, she stopped at the turn of the door handle, breathing again when she saw Duncan’s face.

He looked surprised, dropping towels onto the table. “Tha’ was fast. Are y’ warm already?”

His back, turned to her while he closed and dead-bolted the door, was wet, and still bare. So was his chest. She didn’t answer. It was hard enough to just keep breathing. She lectured herself; it wasn’t the first time she had seen … so much of him. But this felt much different than the day at the ocean.

“Suse?” He moved closer.

She remembered his question. He’d asked whether she was warm. He meant why was she already out of the shower. “Oh.” His nearness disturbed her tonight. But he didn’t need to know it did. “I thought maybe you’d want to get in, too. I mean … to warm up. You must be freezing…”

The blue eyes blazed with cool passivity. “Nae, I do no’ get cold easily. Laura says I ‘m like a wood burner.”

Laura. He was talking about his sister. A rare thing for him to bring up his family on his own. “That would be handy on cold nights.” Susie flushed at the touch of his eyes. She hadn’t meant it the way it sounded. Or maybe she did, but….

He moved even closer, close enough to touch her arm. “Are y’ still cold?”

She shook her head. She was, slightly, but not so much.

He wasn’t reacting to the fact that she was standing there in her pajamas, feet and shoulders both bare. Her own reaction was enough for both of them, she supposed. It was embarrassing … and intoxicating. Just to know that she could. To know she was only slightly embarrassed instead of full-out mortified. And to know he was treating her the same as when she was fully dressed.

The callused fingers sliding along her arm, rising toward a bare shoulder, moved her in toward his body. The face lowering, waiting, asking permission to touch her lips … scared her. Suddenly. And for no reason she could ascertain.

She looked away, toward the raindrops lying on his own bare shoulder. “You’re wet.”

He froze, then retreated, turning to gather the towels he’d dropped onto the table. “I was tryin’ to dry the seats a bi’. Should be goo’ enough by mornin’.” Grabbing his duffel with the other hand, Duncan moved around her heading toward the bathroom, and shut the door.

Susie pondered his withdrawal, and her own. Standing still, alone in the room, she listened to the storm outside the motel. The wind’s howl echoed her confused thoughts. What had scared her so suddenly? She wanted the closeness. She’d told him more than once that she wanted the closeness. What was he thinking now?

Rubbing a hand across her arm, she realized how chilled she had already become since the hot shower. And she had told him she wasn’t still cold. He wouldn’t believe her, not as warm as his own hand had been against her skin. He would think…. What? The possibilities of what he might be thinking swirled in her brain. That she was lying? Or hiding? Or … or maybe that she didn’t want him that close, after all?
She shook her head. Their first weekend away together and…. Their first. And she didn’t want it to be their last.

The click of the door opening again pulled her out of her trance. Not sure what else to do, she grabbed her book from her bag and moved over to the edge of the bed. Pulling the sheets back, she didn’t look to see if he was watching.

“D’ y’ want the lights out?”

Susie met his gaze across the room. He had changed into sweats and a T-shirt. “No. I mean, unless you do. I was just…. I guess I am starting to get cold again and I didn’t bring my robe. I’m not really tired.” Lowering onto the bed, she pulled the blankets over her legs and up around her waist, pushing the pillow behind her back, propped against the headboard.

He stared a moment, then nodded. “D’ y’ mind if I mess with a song I ‘ave been workin’ on? I just had a thought for it.”

“Of course not. I was hoping you might play tonight.”

Duncan stopped his path toward the guitar case, and looked back at her again. “Y’ do no’ have to hope. Y’ can just ask.” Not getting a response, he retrieved the case and pulled out the guitar, tuning it by ear.

Just ask. Susie turned to her book but didn’t bother trying to read it. Just ask. He wanted her to quit being … so careful. She was keeping him at a distance, and maybe it was causing problems, but she wasn’t sure how to stop. It was such an ingrained habit by now, to only let people get just so close, that it was part of who she was. Not even Evan had been allowed as close as Duncan seemed to be trying to get. Her boyfriend didn’t want her to hide anything. But he still kept so much hidden himself.

Giving up on even attempting to read her current historical romance, Susie looked over at the table where Duncan was sitting. He was propped on the edge of one of the chairs, sitting up far enough that the arms didn’t interfere, with an ankle resting on the other leg. The strum of his guitar mixed with the hotel’s vibrating heater and the occasional rumble of thunder from the storm holding its strength. She was struck by the way he was absorbed into the music, repeating and changing phrases, and all in his head. He wrote nothing down.

In a trance, she was a bit startled when he looked over at her.

“Am I botherin’ you?”

She shook her head. “I was just listening. It’s beautiful. Are there words?”

“No’ exactly. A few floating around. Nothing t’ hear.”

“You always write the music before the lyrics?”

He frowned, thinking. “I ‘ave the idea of wha’ I want t’ say first, then shape the music around it. It all floats around together.” He tilted his head, watching her. “Why?”

“Well…” Susie closed the book, setting it on her lap. “I just can’t even imagine playing music, much less writing it. It just seems … kind of magical, I guess.”

“Y’ started t’ play.”

“And I wasn’t any good. I just use the excuse that I was too busy…. Well, I was busy, too, but … ask Evan. I don’t have any musical talent, just a music obsession.”

“Tha’ is no’ what he says.” Duncan set the guitar down off his lap, lowering his foot to the floor to turn more towards her.

Susie felt a warmth drawing to her cheeks. Not what Evan says? He told Duncan … what, exactly?

“He said y’ have a wonderful voice, bu’ y’ will no’ let anyone hear it.”

The flush spread across her face. She looked down, twisting the book in her fingers. Why would Evan tell him that? She didn’t sing in front of others, not even Kate intentionally, though her roommate had walked in and surprised her now and then. She had sung with Evan when they were younger, just because he’d asked her to, and once Nathan had convinced her to sing with him. But only once. His comment affirmed the fact that she should keep it to herself.

Duncan stood, heading toward the bed, carrying the guitar. She couldn’t look at him when he sat beside her.

“Will y’ sing with me?”

Raising her eyes, Susie shook her head. No, not this time.

“Why do y’ not?”

“I’m not good.”

“It does no’ matter.”

“It does to me.”

He looked away, propping his guitar against the corner of the bed and the bed stand. “I am no’ judgin’ you, Suse. Y’ know I ‘m the last person t’ be judging anyone else. Why are y’ so worried abou’ everything y’ do around me?”

Forcing her breathing, Susie couldn’t begin to imagine how to explain. Why? Because it mattered. She cared more about what he thought than about what anyone else thought. But how did she say that without sounding like an idiot?
Her fingers continued to play with the novel, gripping and rolling…

He took it from her hands, setting it on the bed stand, and moved closer. Grasping the fingers he’d left empty, he leaned in, meeting her lips, allowing her the decision to move in or to back away.

She moved in.

Regardless of where they were or what she was wearing, Susie wanted the distance to dissipate. He was reaching out, asking her to let him in further, to stop blocking him. Slipping a hand free, she let it find his hair, mingling her fingers with the still-damp locks.

He broke the kiss, brushed his face against hers. Hot breath swirled beside her ear. “I am in love with you. Tha’ is no’ going t’ change.”

Gripping tighter, she pressed in, holding him against her. Not going to change. No, she was sure he wasn’t shallow enough to change his mind about her if she sang off-key. Or if she said something stupid now and then. But if she kept him at a distance…. He wouldn’t deal with that for very long. He needed her trust, and her confidence.

Releasing him just enough, she found his eyes. “Because it matters to me.” She realized she’d lost him. “What you think. It matters to me. More than anyone else … more than….” She shook her head. It wasn’t coming out well enough. “Because I respect your opinion, more than maybe anyone else in the world. And I guess I shouldn’t say that. I mean, Dad would flip and Evan…”

He kissed her. A warm, gentle kiss. And his eyes were still closed when they parted.

“Duncan…”

He raised his eyes. They were moist. She’d never seen them that way before. They were always so … guarded.

She swallowed her own emotions. But not well. “Play something for me. I want to hear you sing.”

He grinned, softly, then reached back for his guitar, asking what she wanted to hear. She left it to him. It didn’t matter. Anything. Just to hear his voice, without the electronics of the band in his way.

And he didn’t do Raucous music. He did Elton John, and John Lennon, and Eric Clapton. All soft songs, lyrical, that emphasized his voice more than his guitar. She knew that was for her benefit. He preferred the guitar to his voice. She couldn’t prefer one over the other.

“Are y’ tired of my voice yet?” He grinned.

“No. Are you tired of singing?”

“I would prefer t’ hear you sing. Know any Raucous songs?”

She hesitated. Of course she knew the words to the Raucous songs. All of them, but she didn’t quite say that.

“Sing with me.”

Her heart pounded. She didn’t want to sing. Not in front of someone who was actually good at it, especially.

“Babe….” He touched her cheek with the backs of his fingers. They were softer than the callused tips. “Sing with me.”

With her heart calming to a smooth roar, she nodded. It wasn’t possible to refuse, not with his eyes asking for her trust. He suggested a slow song, one of the easiest to sing, suggesting she jump in at the chorus, taking over the melody while he went to harmony. She nodded again, glad he hadn’t expected her to try to harmonize. She could, at times, but not while so nervous. Susie couldn’t imagine how her band could stand up in front of so many people and sing when this was so scary for her. But they all had very nice voices, and training.

She barely got the words out when she started. It was horrible. She knew it was horrible –- more like a child trying to sing out of her range, except it wasn’t out of her range. It was just hard to sing well, or even decently, when she was trying not to be heard. He didn’t flinch, though. He lowered his own voice to try to hear her better.

At the next chorus, she took a deep breath first, then tried again, pushing the volume high enough to make it easier to stay on key. His expression helped her confidence. By the end, she began to relax. It wasn’t so bad. He still wasn’t cringing, or laughing. He even repeated the chorus one extra time.

The hum of the last chord died out. It was over.
He suggested another one, except with her leading.

“I haven’t tortured your ears enough?”

Duncan raised an eyebrow. “Y’ have a gorgeous voice. I coul’ listen t’ it all night. An’ I can no’ imagine why you hide it.”

He didn’t give her time to respond. The chords to one of her favorites of Doug’s songs filled the small dingy room. And he waited for her to begin, pausing only a second when she missed the cue before giving it to her again. She didn’t miss it the second time.

Her eyes moistened at his smile during the last stanza. He was honestly enjoying her singing. She couldn’t imagine why. Nathan … Nathan was an idiot. Why had she ever listened to him? Evan had told her. He’d said she had a good voice, and she had somewhat believed him … before Nathan.

The music ended. Duncan returned the guitar to its propped position against the bed stand. Leaning toward her, he touched her hair, then let his fingers fall further, down to her shoulder and along the entire length of her bare arm, finding her fingers.

She watched him while his eyes traced his own movement, while he played with the little ring he had given her.

“I’m not ever going to want to give it back, you know.” Susie caught his eyes. She was taking a chance, daring him to stay. He didn’t answer.

Pushing in toward his lips, she waited for him to accept. He didn’t hesitate long, running his hand back up her arm, to her bare shoulder, holding her in, all the while keeping her locked into the kiss, and shifting closer.

Not quite close enough. She still had to lean in at an awkward angle, so she broke the kiss, just long enough to move away from the headboard, twisting her body to mesh with his. His gaze questioned her. She didn’t have any idea how to answer him, except to resume the kiss.

The distance dissipated. Susie felt his defenses lower, his body relax and give in to her. Her own reserve washed away with his acceptance. Thoughts of should and shouldn’t, concepts of right and wrong, all blurred in her mind. No one expected this from her. She didn’t expect it from herself. But this man … this man was everything … everything she had known throughout her life that she needed. It wasn’t where she had expected to find it. She thought she’d even had that figured out. But she’d been so wrong.

He moved to touch his lips against her neck, and her bare shoulder. And she didn’t resist. Allowing her head to fall back, granting him the freedom he was seeking, she scrunched her eyes, noting her breathing increase, her heart thumping louder. His mouth returned to her neck, just below her ear. Gentle fingers brushed hair away from her face.

“I ‘m in love with you, Babe.” His whisper took her breath away.

Her fingers gripped his skin tighter. “I love you, too.”

“Ca’ I be with you tonight?”

Susie’s heart stopped. She could feel it squeezing, trying not to burst. Her head tried to recover, tried to … attempt some kind of answer. But an answer was out of the question. Why she was so shocked at the outright offer, she wasn’t sure. It wasn’t like they hadn’t talked about it before, and not long ago, but it hadn’t been so … direct. And at the time, it was still out of the question. She had still been so unsure about things between them. She wasn’t so much any more. Except that she still didn’t know if he would stay. And the ring could possibly be a promise ring, but it wasn’t the same as being married, or even engaged…

He pulled back, finding her eyes. “I thought … y’ were getting’ so close….”

She looked away, swallowing hard and taking a quick, deep breath to regain composure. Susie hadn’t meant to lead him on. That wasn’t her intention. But she understood why he had taken it that way, and maybe part of her…

“Suse?”

“I’m sorry. I … it’s just….” She sighed. She was confusing the heck out of him. But what else could she do when she was so confused herself?

Duncan started to rise, turning his face from her.

She grasped his arm. “Don’t pull away.”

He waited, not pulling out of her grasp, but not meeting her gaze, either. She could see his jaw tense and release. His shoulders rose and fell with his breath. “I do no’ know wha’ I am doin’ with you.”

She swallowed. This was it. She was pushing him away. He’d finally realized she wasn’t right for him, that she wasn’t enough. She wouldn’t let go of his arm, though. Susie couldn’t let go. She could change his mind. Maybe. But not just by agreeing to be with him. He had to accept her without that, or what was it worth?

A shiver she couldn’t stop turned his head.

“Y’ are still cold.”

She shook her head. It wasn’t from the cold. The heater was working well.

He didn’t buy it. “Maybe y’ should ge’ under the covers. I’ is late.” Standing, he grabbed his guitar and went to pack it in the case. He was done playing for the night.

“Duncan.” She waited for him to turn again. He didn’t quite look at her, but he at least acknowledged she was speaking, barely. “I think … there’s something maybe you should know, because I’m not sure you do. I figured you did, but….”

“I’ is alrigh’. Y’ do no’ have t’ explain anythin’ t’ me.” Coming back to the bed, he went to the other side, sitting along the edge, finally looking at her. “I should no’ ‘ave asked.”

“No.”

He withdrew again, with his eyes.

“No, I mean … Duncan, it’s just…” She took a breath. It wasn’t something she talked about, to anyone. What would he think? That he was right about her not fitting him? But he wasn’t. It was right, and she knew that with every part of who she was. She shivered again. Nerves.

He slid over to the center of the bed, kneeling in front of her, and pulled his T-shirt over his head. Turning it right-side-out again, Duncan slipped it over her head, waiting for her to push her arms through, then pulled it down to her waist, or as close as he could get around the comforter.

The warmth of the worn garment penetrated her skin. The sweetness of his concern even after she’d turned him down moistened her eyes, the eyes that found it impossible to avoid his bare chest. She lowered her head, collecting her thoughts, and clenched her eyes at the touch of his fingers in her hair. He wasn’t pulling away. He was still there, even if he didn’t know why he was.

“I wasn’t saying ‘no’.” She spoke to the comforter between their legs, separating them, barely. “I … I just need you to know….” A quick breath calmed her heart beat. Not enough, but enough to keep breathing.

Strong arms wrapped around her shoulders, moving her closer to his chest. The voice she adored spoke into her ear. “Le’ i’ go, Babe. I’ does no’ matter. I shoul’ no’ ‘ave asked.”

Casting her eyes into his, she decided it did. It did matter. And she wasn’t refusing. “Duncan, I haven’t … I’m just nervous. I haven’t…” She didn’t have to finish the thought.

An eyebrow raised. “In a hotel, y’ mean? Or so soon?”

She shook her head. “Anywhere. Ever.” Letting it out relieved some of the tension and she couldn’t stop. “I mean, a couple of guys tried, but … they weren’t … I didn’t … want them like that. I’ve never … I don’t really get too close, not this close. I’ve never wanted to be that close to anyone I dated…”

Duncan’s eyes showed confusion. “Wha’ abou’ Nathan? They said…”

They? The guys. They’d been talking about her … about her and Nathan. “They said what?”

He frowned. “No’ a lot. Bu’ it sounded like … y’ dated him a long time and ‘ave been upset…”

Susie exhaled, looking away. How dare they? What right did they have telling him anything?

“Babe, I was askin’ them. I shoul’ no’ have.”

“They don’t know as much as they think they do.” Susie dealt with the questions he wasn’t asking. “We weren’t that close. Most of our dating was just … casual. Not a big deal. And I was upset because he lied to me. He never cared anything about me. It was just an act. And I should have known better.”

Duncan’s fingers caressed her face, slid back into her hair. “An’ y’ are afraid I am actin’ too?”

“No. I know you’re not. I just … like you said, you don’t know why you’re with me. I’m just waiting…”

“I did no’ say that.” His eyes widened, fingers dropping to find hers. “When did I say that?”

“A minute ago, you said you didn’t know…” She stopped. She couldn’t even repeat it.

His head lowered to be directly in front of hers, only inches away. “Suse, I said I di’ no’ know wha’ I am doin’ with you.” He ducked again, refusing to allow her to avert her eyes. “I mean tha’ I have never gone ou’ with anyone like you. I ‘ave never cared so much about a girl I ‘ave dated, and I am no’ sure … wha’ I should be doin’ … or not doing. I do no’ know what I am doing. I need y’ to tell me … honestly … so I know.”

She stared. He wasn’t real. This guy who wore leather and played guitar like some musical genius and wore an earring … was afraid of her? Afraid of…. Susie shook her head. “And I think you do.” She gasped for breath to calm herself. “I think you do know, more than anyone else on earth, I think you understand me.”

He held her, moving to pull her closer, wrapping her within his arms, planting kisses on her head. “Y’ have never been with a man?”

She shook her head again, rubbing it against his shoulder.

He kissed her forehead. “I would no’ ‘ave asked…”

“I’m not saying no, Duncan. I just thought you should know, if it makes a difference.”

**

If it makes a difference.

Hell, yes, it made a difference. Duncan didn’t dare move, unsure about how she would translate the action. He continued to just hold on to her, allowing himself time to figure out how to answer. He wasn’t entirely shocked at her revelation; he supposed he should have known. She was still young, so much younger than he was. He often forgot that since she was easily as mature. In some ways. In others, he was more mature, or at least experienced, than he should have been by now. To be honest, he guessed he was more experienced than mature. She was the opposite. No wonder her dad was so worried about him. If he were a father, he couldn’t say that he’d want his daughter to date someone like him.

The thought backed him away. That he loved her wasn’t enough. She needed so much more. Someone … with less experience maybe. But he couldn’t see her wanting that, either.

“Say something.”

Her voice reached inside him. He had to answer, somehow. Finding her eyes, he couldn’t. They were trusting him, waiting … offering. But he couldn’t.

“It is late. We shoul’ ge’ some sleep.” Not likely that he would sleep, Duncan mused. But he hoped she would.

“Don’t do this. Don’t pull away from me.”

“Babe, I am no’ pullin’ away. I think….”

“You are. And I shouldn’t have told you.”

His eyes shot back to hers. “Of course y’ shoul’ have. I’ does matter, Suse. Y’ know it matters.”

She began to speak, stopped, then moved in to kiss him. He didn’t refuse. She had to know he wasn’t pulling away. Holding her closer, he turned it into a much longer kiss than he imagined she had planned. But she had to know he wasn’t pulling away.

Her eyes remained closed, fingers gripping his side and back. Opening them, Susie released her grip, sliding her hands around to the front of his chest. “I want it to be you. Even if you don’t want it to be tonight.” She leaned closer, touching her head to his shoulder. “I want it to be you, whatever else happens.”

Duncan clenched his eyelids. He wanted the same thing, even though he shouldn’t. Even if this didn’t last, he wanted to be with her. And he knew he shouldn’t. She deserved better.

It wouldn’t happen tonight. He had to have time. He had to allow her time to rethink, to make sure she wasn’t just surrendering to the position they were in — stuck together in this little hotel room, during a storm. To make sure the storm wasn’t a factor in pushing himself, or her, too far. He loved the power and energy of storms. They made his urges stronger. He wouldn’t give into it tonight.

He slid his fingers up through her damp hair, kissing her forehead. “I will hope y’ do no’ change your mind. An’ I will be here.”

Her chest pressed against his with her breathing. She calmed, relaxed. He could feel it.

Moving slowly away, he silently urged her to lie down, pulling the comforter up around her shoulders. Then he joined her, but left just enough space.

Listening to the rumble of thunder gradually moving away, weakening, Duncan wanted to get up again, to go outside and stand in the middle of the parking lot, face up to the sky, allowing the rain to wash over him. He wouldn’t leave her to do so. She wouldn’t understand. She didn’t like storms.

Her movement turned his head. She came closer, lying her head against the top of his shoulder, her arm linked over his. He didn’t need to be out in the storm. Gently, he pulled his arm away, raising it to surround her, asking her to lie next to him. He would sleep well tonight.