chapter thirty-eight

26 May 1974

A door closing forced Susie’s eyes open. She’d been somewhere between asleep and awake, and was startled by the noise.

“G’ mornin’.”

Duncan’s voice calmed her. She looked over. “Were you out? What time is it?”

“Nearly nine.” He set a bag on the table. “I brough’ breakfast. No’ much, just doughnuts and coffee, bu’ there is no’ much around here.”

Susie sat up, pulling the comforter with her. Nearly nine? She never slept that late. “You’ve been up for a while?”

“Yeah, bu’ I was tryin’ not t’ wake you.” He opened the lid of a styrofoam cup, poured in the contents of sugar and creamer packets, and stirred. Bringing it over to hand to her, he sat on the bed. “Did y’ sleep alright?”

“Thank you.” She accepted the cup, waiting until it cooled enough to try a sip. “Yes, too well. You should have woken me.”

“Why?” He watched her eyes. “We are in no hurry.”

“Doesn’t the show start again … at….” She thought he said ten, but wasn’t sure.

“It’s about t’ rain, and they expect storms.” He looked away. “No’ a good weekend t’ go ou’, was it?”

“I know you wanted to see more of the bands. We can wait. Maybe it won’t be bad…”

His gaze returned. “Y’ do no’ like storms. An’ y’ do no’ need t’ ge’ wet again, and cold.” He caught her beginning to object. “They will cancel if it storms, anyway. Too much a risk with the electronics. Someone’ll ge’ electrocuted.”

Electrocuted. Susie had never thought about that. “Oh.”

Duncan touched her arm. “I hope next time plans will work ou’ better.” He looked into her eyes. “If there will be a next time. If y’ want t’ try again, t’ do … something else on another weekend?”

If? He was asking her again, after what she’d told him the night before? Reaching over to set the cup on the bed stand, Susie moved in next to him. “I would love to do this again. With or without the rain. If you’re sure you want to ask.”

He grinned, leaning his face closer, a hand wrapping behind her head. “Babe, I will be askin’ y’ again … with or without…” He shrugged. “Anything.”

Susie caught her breath. It wasn’t bothering him. Or he wasn’t letting it show.

He stood, waiting to take her hand. “Come eat. Your coffee’ll ge’ cold.”


Packing her night clothes back into her bag, Susie zipped it and stepped out into the main part of the hotel room. Another light-colored shirt; pale yellow. What on earth had possessed her not to plan better, she couldn’t imagine. If she’d even remembered her jacket, it would be fine. But rain and light-colored tops just didn’t mix well.

Duncan’s eyebrow raised. But he didn’t say anything.

Feeling the need to try to explain, to tell him she wasn’t always so disheveled, Susie shrugged. “I didn’t watch the weather, and I did mean to bring my jacket, but…”

“We will no’ be ou’ much.”

“Good thing, right? I can’t believe I … I’m not usually …”

“Y’ are fine.” He picked up the leather vest hanging over a chair beside his bag and walked over to her, slipping it on her shoulders. “Y’ can take it off again in the car.”

She chuckled. “You might want to be careful. I borrowed a sweatshirt from Evan a while ago and haven’t bothered to give it back.”

“Y’ were wearing it the other day.”

He’d noticed. She was surprised he knew it was Evan’s. Or maybe he just knew it had to be anybody else’s, as big as it was on her. “Yeah, I wear it a lot. It’s comfortable.”

Sliding hands under the vest he’d just wrapped around her, past her waist to rest on the small of her back, Duncan watched her face. “It looks better on you. Y’ should keep it.”

She chuckled again. “Well, I’m guessing by now he expects that I am. He hasn’t asked for it.”

“I do no’ mean Ev’s shirt.” His eyes fell to the vest. “Y’ can hold on t’ it if y’ like.”

The vest? He meant she should keep the vest? “Duncan … no, I was kidding. I can’t…”

“Y’ are keeping Ev’s shirt.”

“Oh, but that’s not the same. It’s just an old sweatshirt. He’s had it forever. And you told me how hard it was to save for this … I can’t…”

His lips pressed against hers, the fingers sliding further up her back. “Babe, y’ can have anything of mine that you want.”

Susie looked into his eyes, wondering if she should even joke about what had happened, or hadn’t happened, the night before. But he had told her not to be so cautious around him.

Taking the plunge, she pushed her hands further up on his shoulders. “Would it sound bad right now if I told you again to be careful?”

He hesitated, thinking, but she couldn’t tell about what. Dropping his head closer, Duncan lowered his own hands, running them down … down along the sides of her hips. “I do no’ want t’ be careful with you.” He touched her lips. “Bu’ I will be, for now.”

She started to object, not wanting him to be any more cautious than he wanted her to be. Well, maybe part of her did, but…

“Do no’ argue with me, Suse. It is hard enough. Bu’ I have t’ do this right.” He brought a hand back up to stroke her hair. “There is no’ much I ‘ave done in my life tha’ was right. This … I have t’ do right.”

She held him. There was no way she could begin to respond to that, to let him know just how much it meant to her that it was so important. That he didn’t just take advantage. Any of the others she’d dated would have. She’d always had to keep her guard high, to watch for any indication that she needed to back away. This … was unexpected, and amazing.

“Are y’ ready t’ go?”

His soft voice just made her hold tighter. No. She didn’t want to go. She wanted to stay, away from the others, just with him. She wasn’t ready to go back and have to separate from him for their jobs, and the band, and….

“Suse?”

Raising her head, she sighed. “I suppose. I guess they’ll want you there for practice tonight.”

“Y’ will come?”

She smiled. Of course. Even if they pulled him away from her tonight, she wouldn’t allow them to pull him very far. Not tonight. Nodding answered him. Another touch to her face nearly made her stop him, to just say she wasn’t ready to leave, that she wanted to forget work tomorrow and just stay another day … another night. But she wouldn’t ask that of him.

Instead, she grabbed her bag, not bothering to object when he took it from her, and left the hotel room.

****

The pounding rain slowed their progress most of the trip back to Lakewood. She didn’t remove the vest; somehow, it gave her an added sense of security to help control her frayed nerves.

Duncan was a good driver – he didn’t bother her at all, but the others on the interstate flying around them, or creeping along so slowly they came upon them faster than either driver appreciated, wore her down. Duncan talked more than usual, trying to distract her, Susie guessed.

Finally reaching their apartment, she was suddenly fatigued with the release of tension. She hoped for some moments of quiet before they were flooded by the guys. But they were late and Evan’s door opened before she could get hers unlocked.

“Hey, we were getting worried. Everything okay?”

Susie looked back at her friend while Duncan answered about the storm interfering. Evan didn’t look at her. He was talking only to Duncan, until Mike interrupted and said they were late for practice, pushing beside Evan to head down the stairs. Evan’s look told them not to bother asking. Susie had no intentions of doing so. Not tonight.

So much for a quiet moment. She barely took time to drop her bag inside and run to take care of needs and brush her hair before rejoining Duncan in the hall. Evan stopped talking when he saw her.

Stu’s suggestive comments about how their “together weekend” went passed by without the effect Stu had been hoping to get. Instead, she argued with Duncan’s comment that it was messed up by the rain. It wasn’t. And she didn’t look forward to having to tell him good night at the door again.

They didn’t mention anything about sharing a room, though Stu tried to ask. But Evan kept watching her, not talking to her, but watching. She was glad they finally went over to get started with practice so he would quit.

The power flickered within a half an hour. Doug went to grab flashlights before they were completely in the dark of the basement. The two little side windows wouldn’t do much for light since it was so dark outside.

Deciding to just unplug everything and go to acoustic, they continued on, until the lights went all the way out and they switched on the flashlights. The electricity blinked on once more, but only for a few minutes.

“Damn!” Mike growled at nothing.

“Okay, might as well give it up.” Evan accepted one of the flashlights. “We don’t need practice this badly.”

**

The lights returned long enough to help them pack up the guitars. Evan left his flashlight on, just in case. He didn’t believe they would stay on. The storm was heavy tonight.

He wondered at Susie appearing so calm, especially in the basement with flickering lights. Watching her wrap around Duncan when he grabbed his guitar case and stood to meet her, Evan looked the other way. He had tried everything to relieve her fear of storms. Nothing had worked.

Not everything, he sighed. He hadn’t spent the night in a hotel room with her, not since childhood with their parents there, anyway. Duncan hadn’t said much, but he was being evasive, so Evan knew there was more than what he’d said. He hoped there wasn’t too much more.

Mike cursed again with another loss of light. He hated the dark. It was something Evan knew about him that the others didn’t. Storms, he didn’t care about, but the dark made him irritable. Even more irritable than normal. And this time the electricity seemed to have made up its mind to stop trying.

“Stu, knock it off.” Susie’s voice rang through the dark. Her hand blocked the beam of light trying to hit her face.

“Well, gotta make sure you two aren’t doing anything you shouldn’t down here in the dark.”

“I have a father, thank you. Mind your own business. And keep that out of my eyes.”

“Ohhh … so you are doing something you don’t want us to see! Well, hell, at least let us watch. What else have we got to do now?”

“So watch.” Duncan leaned in to kiss her, knowing Stu’s flashlight was still focused on them.

Evan tried to pull his eyes away, but was drawn to the kiss. She didn’t resist. She didn’t hesitate. She’d given in to Duncan.

He’d lost her.

The light jerked away. Mike’s voice was heard telling Stu to leave them alone.

Evan couldn’t see now whether they’d stopped or not. And he wouldn’t raise his own light to find out, though he half considered doing so.

A hand on his shoulder pulled his attention.
“Let’s go.” Mike kept the confiscated light focused on the floor.

“We’ll have to leave them a flashlight. Hold on.” Evan aimed his own light down toward where it found their legs. He kept it low enough, while approaching, that he couldn’t see much. “Here’s a light. We’re heading upstairs.”

“We’re coming.” Her voice reached out.

Evan ignored Stu’s following remark and handed Susie the flashlight. He didn’t look at her. But he knew they were following by the sound of their footsteps.

Leaving Doug and Stu at their apartment, with Doug assuring him they had emergency candles, the rest of them headed up the stairs, he and Mike leading with one light, and Susie and Duncan behind with the other.

Susie paused at the top, in front of the adjacent doors. “Good night.”

Evan answered her, as did Mike. Duncan asked to walk her in. Mike asked how he would get back without being able to see. Susie answered that he could have the flashlight. She had a couple of her own, and several candles.

Glad Stu wasn’t there to comment, Evan opened his apartment door.


The storm refused to lighten. Evan pulled away from the book he was reading by flashlight to gaze at the window. Large raindrops hammered the glass, whipped nearly horizontal by the vicious wind. The moon’s glow created a soft flourescence in each drop as it streamed down, joining the rippled pattern. It wasn’t quite full tonight; the next day would be its largest for the month. The only night Susie didn’t like being out in the dark. She allowed herself to believe the old myth that people were crazier during a full moon than they were on a regular basis. And she always thought they were quite crazy enough without the moon’s influence.

Evan pondered his best friend, watching the storm that was, in all likelihood, making her nervous. He couldn’t bring himself to admit to her how much he enjoyed them, their strength and fury that waned into a fresh calmness.

He empathized with storms, though he rarely allowed anyone to see any part of him other than the calm. He had learned to control the strength and fury many years ago. Even Susie didn’t seem to remember him much before then. Part of him wished she did. That way, he wouldn’t have to try so hard to keep it from her.

There were so many things he kept from her that it made him feel guilty. She didn’t realize. He knew she didn’t. Especially the one thing that mattered most; the way he loved her with as much passion as the storm held. No one knew. Mike didn’t even realize the extent of it. He still maintained hope that some day, even if it became many years from now, he would let Susie know. Even if she fell for someone else, something more permanent than Evan thought her relationship with Duncan could ever be.

He supposed he could be wrong. She’d gone away with him, and it hadn’t pulled them apart. But something told him he wasn’t. It was too easy. Too smooth a road to be lasting. Evan didn’t believe for a moment that anything meant to last wouldn’t come with a struggle. That was why he’d been so willing to wait so long for her. Duncan couldn’t have any idea about what it meant to be so intrinsically involved with Susie. Evan knew too well. At times, it made him think he was better off without being more involved with her than he was already. She had too much power over him, over his thoughts and actions, over his being.

With a sigh, he pulled his gaze from the window and raised the flashlight to check the clock. After nine. Duncan had been next door with her, in the dark, for over an hour, closing in on two. When was the damn power going to return?

“Want me to go interrupt?”

Evan looked over at Mike. “What?” He’d barely allowed the words to penetrate his thoughts.

Mike lounged against the couch, his head on pillows propped against the arm. During storms, he kept his portable radio running and his eyes closed, blocking out the fact that he couldn’t see around him, distracting his mind by studying other singers’ techniques. Evan often wondered if he and Doug were the only somewhere-near-sane members of the band. Neither had any irrational fears, as the others.

“Your buddy next door. It’s what you’re thinking about, right? Want me to go interrupt?”

“No.”

“No, you don’t want me to, or no, you’re not thinking about them over there together?”

“Leave it alone, Mike.”

Mike pushed himself to sitting. “I know you don’t think it’s gonna last. So why are you agonizing about it? She’s dated before.”

Evan turned his eyes back to the window. It was a good question, and he didn’t have a good answer.

“You think they’re …”

Jumping up at Mike’s pause, refusing to actually say it, Evan headed toward … nowhere. He just couldn’t sit there, wondering.

“I’ve got JD in my room, not even open. Let’s go grab Stu and Doug and barge in on your buddies over there. We’ll say it’s a lights-out party.” Mike grabbed the flashlight from his hand and disappeared down the hall.

Evan waited. He appreciated what his roommate was doing, but wasn’t so sure he wanted his suspicions confirmed.


They apparently were somewhat interrupting Stu and Doug. Alison was there, and another girl Evan had a faint recognition of; a girl from one of their shows, he assumed. They all readily agreed to expand the party, though, and trooped up the stairs behind Evan and Mike, carrying flashlights and a couple of candles. Susie would be thrilled, Evan was sure.

He was glad it didn’t take long for her door to be answered.

Duncan raised an eyebrow, then looked past Mike holding the alcohol. He was fully clothed, which Evan was relieved to see, and seemed amused at the group of light-bearers asking for entrance.

Stu pushed closer. “Lights-out party –- Mike’s idea. He has Jack. I’ve got Coke. Wanna let us in?”

“Okay with me, bu’ it’s no’ my apartment.”

“Not interrupting anything, are we?” Mike’s question in his voice was too transparent.

“No.” Duncan looked over to catch Evan’s expression.

Evan knew what the glance meant. Duncan knew why they were there. To a certain extent, anyway.

Susie appeared behind him. “A good conversation.” She pressed against Duncan, grinning. “Come in, but don’t think you’re going to get too carried away with that stuff here.”

“Hey, we’ll share it with you.” Stu pushed through the more-opened door, dragging the girl behind by the hand and vaguely introducing her.
Evan was the last one inside, and Duncan waited to close the door behind him, again throwing a glance. He shrugged, acting as though he had no particular reason for wanting to come over. “Mike was getting bored.”

“And y’ were not?” The eyes pierced through, even in near-darkness.

“I was getting tired of reading by flashlight. Hard on the eyes.”

His buddy chuckled. “Y’ should find better things t’ do in the dark, Ev.”

Evan couldn’t stop a grin, despite his thoughts. Duncan always had that effect on him; saying just the right thing to make situations look completely different. And he was probably right. Hell, he was twenty-five years old and hadn’t had … well, he’d had dates recently, with Janet. But he tended to forget those. Not a good forcast for a relationship.

With Duncan’s hand on his shoulder, he moved into Susie’s apartment. It was filled with candles; they hadn’t had too much darkness. Plenty of romance, though, Evan supposed. He pushed the thought out of his mind again when Stu pushed a small glass of brownish liquid toward him.

“Not enough?”

“Too much.”

“Aw, shit, Ev, no it’s not.” Stu pushed it at him again. “Kick your feet up. Your buddy, here, didn’t turn it down, and he’s already been drinking.”

Evan looked over, noticing the glass Stu had given Duncan in his hand, and the wine bottle on the coffee table. Plenty of romance. He stopped arguing with Stu. Since when had their keyboardist started calling him Ev, as only Duncan did? Had he just missed it before?

Susie insisted on staying with the wine. She didn’t let Stu goad her the way he had Evan. He admired that about her. Peer pressure had never affected her actions. She sat again, taking her boyfriend’s hand to pull him down by her side, and leaned in against his arm.

Evan relaxed, thinking of his conversation with Mike, and the fact that they hadn’t interrupted. Maybe he was assuming too much. Maybe he hadn’t really lost her yet. And Duncan was a good guy. There was that, at least.

The more he involved himself in the conversation, the more Susie talked to him directly, joking and giving him smiles. It was almost like they had returned to where they’d been before Duncan arrived in Lakewood. Before he’d started to get so nervous. Maybe it was his own behavior pushing her further away, into his Duncan’s arms. He had to stop that.

When the power returned, no one bothered to move. They carried on the conversation as though it hadn’t.

Congratulating himself, by the time they all started drifting toward leaving, on refusing to allow her continued movement closer to Duncan -– first with his arm over her shoulder, then her hand falling on his leg, and her head sagging toward his –- to bother him, Evan said he was heading back to his apartment, citing an early work day in the morning.

Doug agreed, and their movement began to shift from relaxed comeraderie toward separating activities. They took glasses into the kitchen, accepting Susie’s assurance that she would deal with it in the morning, though Evan rinsed them because he knew she would at least do that before bed otherwise. And he ended up being the last out the door, other than Duncan, who held him with his chatting.

“I’ll leave the door unlocked.” Evan managed to say it with no trace of concern for when his friend would be back. And he told Susie good night.

“I’m glad you dragged them over. It was fun.” She grinned.

“Not me. I just followed Mike.” He turned to leave.

“I’m goin’ with you. It’s late.” Duncan stopped him again, then touched Susie’s hair that fell beside her face. “Sleep well.”

“I will. I’m exhausted.” She smiled, moving in to give him a hug.

Evan started out the door, giving them a minute, but still heard her voice.

“Thank you for this weekend. I really enjoyed it.”

Silence penetrated the air. Evan waited, just out of sight.

“Y’ do no’ have t’ thank me, Babe. I am glad y’ were willin’ to go.”

“I’ll go with you any time.” More silence. “And this is even harder now.”

Evan cringed. She didn’t want to let Duncan out the door. He could hear it in her voice. He should’ve moved further away, gone on into his apartment instead of waiting. He didn’t need to hear this.

“I will come by in the mornin’, if I will no’ wake you.”

“The kids’ll be here.”

More silence.

“Good nigh’, Babe.”

“I love you.”

Evan turned his head. She didn’t … he waited … it seemed forever until there was an answer.

“And I am in love with you.” Silence again. “See y’ in the mornin’.”

Clenching his jaw, Evan forced it to relax when Duncan took his side, closing Susie’s door. Then he moved to his own apartment, starting to put the key in the lock. He stopped, looking over at his friend’s face.

“Ask.” Duncan waited.

Evan pondered a moment. “Guess I don’t have to. I know you wouldn’t lie to her, especially about that. I just didn’t realize it was that serious.”

Duncan looked down, nodding, lightly, then raised his head again. “Yeah.” His eyes showed … a certain … trepidity, mixed with pure determination. “Does i’ bother you?”

Did it bother him? Of course. Evan sighed, negating his own personal thoughts for those more important. “Are you going to stay?”

“As long as she will allow, and I do no’ get caught by INS. I ‘ave already told her that.”

It was serious. He was risking deportation to stay with her, and would, even if immigration started to close in. It was too serious.

Evan changed the direction of the conversation. “And if they find you?”

“I will send her money t’ come visit.”

Too serious. Much too serious. He would take her away, much too far away. Evan couldn’t let that happen.