The Chief Stewardess

The Cheif Stewardess

Good evening, ladies and gentlement. My name is Carol Davis, and I'm the Chief Stewardess.

It is our pleasure to welcome you aboard Regional Airlines Flight 327, main-line non-stop service to Winnepeg — I hope!

Please remember it is a government regulation that all carry-on baggage be placed under the seat in front of you for take-off and landing. If you need assistance, please ring for your friendly Flight Attendant, and she will be happy to refuse you!

Please notice the signs on seat backs identifying the no-smoking areas. If you are seated in these areas and wish to smoke, please notify the nearest Flight Attendant and we will be happy to kick you out as we pass over Mount St. Helens!

For those in the smoking section, we have built a lounge in the rear of the jet engines! Your stewardess well be happy to supply you with a free glass of water to beat the heat!

For your convenience, there are controls for your reading light and a Flight Attendant Call Button located in the armrest of the seat. If you would like stereo music during the flight, Regional Airlines has assigned two stewardesses to stand on your right and left and sing Auld Lang Syne! For those of you who prefer country-western, we have recently added a new song to the Flight Attendants' repertoire: Whistle a Tune That'll Carry Me to Tombstone Teritory!

Due to recent federal cutbacks in the aviation industry, we regret to say we had to eliminate the air vents. But this does not mean we have forgotten your comfort. Oh, no!!! If you would like a refreshing air flow, please call for the stewardess and she will be happy to blow gently in your face. For our passengers in first-class, we have provided your stewardess with mouthwash!

In the seat pocket in front of you can be found current complimentary issues of our most popular aviation magazines, TAIL SPIN and CRACK-UP!

Now, may I introduce your Flight Attendants. Miss Adams will be in the first-class forward cabin. In the aft cabin are Mister Johnson, Miss Jones, and Miss Kewauchi. If you look toward the front of the plane, you will see members of my staff who will demonstrate the proper use of safety equipment.

During the flight, if we should indicate loss of oxygen in the cabin, notice the name tags in the compartments labeled "O₂ MASKS over your heads. First, take the name tag and pin it on. Next, place your mouth over the young lady sitting closest to you, and blow. Not only will the ladies get plenty of air, but we think it will be a fun way to get acquainted!

We trust you will have no need of parachutes, but if they become necessary, simply strap them to your body, jump out the door, wait ten seconds and pull the rip cord. All 'chutes have been professionally checked and packed, but if it should turn out yours was defective, don't worry ... by going to our ticket counter, your fare will be cheerfully refunded in crash — er, CASH!!

If any of you desire pillows, press the button on the side of your seats for the stewardess. But when you have finished with the pillowcases, please return them to the stewardess. In case of engine trouble, you may need them for parachutes again!

If the need for safety exits should arise, you may find them anywhere you care to run through the fuselage!

Because a portion of our flight will operate over water, we must have available acceptable flotation devices. If we should go down over the water, please see the stewardess, and she will cheerfully hand you a champagne cork!

Please control your little ones. Don't let them play in the aisles during the flight. For the convenience of any mother who cant control the children, we have built them a play area outside on the wing!

May I assure you first-time flyers that you may relax with no worry as to safety. The plane was well-checked by Lucky Lindbergh!

Our Captain has years of experience behind him and is equipped to deal with any emergency that may arise, and will take his position as pilot as soon as I've finished feeding him his formula.