Customer service

I work part time at a country park.

I’m not going to name the park just incase I get fired but I’ll give you a clue.
It’s a country park and it’s got "Wellington" in front of it. Wink, wink (For the slow ones "Wellington Country Park").

Now don't get me wrong I love the place it's great fun...unfortunately customers do tend to flock there like dry fish to water eager to get their morning cup of hot-chocolate.

Unfortunately on sunny days and especially on holidays they bring their screaming children.
So there I am Saturday night praying to God to make it rain so I don’t have to serve another pain in the ass.

In case you were wondering I serve people tea coffee and other overpriced items outside in the park. I live in England...it's so cold we don't need a freezer for the food.

My first day I thought would be a doddle. All I had to do was serve people cups of tea and coffee....well what a shock that turned out to be.
Do you know there are over 25 different types of tea? Oh yes, I do not lie about something so serious , I had 12 elderly women come in, each wanting their tea made in a certain, detailed, expertly fashioned way.

"I want it weaker", "less sugar", "no tea", "no milk", "I have sensitive teeth not to hot", "I have no teeth". I mean, hell, I was in mass hysteria the next time an elderly woman entered my area. I leapt behind the counter hoping to Jesus himself that my colleague would take the bullet for me.

oooooohhh and that’s not the only thing. Since last year we bought an ice-cream machine. Oh yes what fun that was.

Let me paint you a picture. 200 screaming kids on a school trip all wanting flavors I don’t have! It was around 4 o'clock now and I was beginning to get tired...yes i know no stamina your thinking.
Anyway I said to the lady in charge of the little brats, in a quite and pleasant tone.” I’m afraid to say we have run out of strawberry flavor; however we do have many other flavors that I’m sure they will love".

So what did she say?

"Kiiiids do you all want strawberry"

I was reaching for the knife under the counter. Unfortunately all I had was a blunt cake slice not the weapon I had in mind. So I resorted to my next anger letting technique.

I shot into the kitchen behind me and screamed until I had ripped out my voice box and made myself deaf.

The next customer in my portrait of fun was a young lad around 10. By this time I had placed a huge sign on the strawberry sign which clearly said in great big red letters "SOLD OUT".
So the little chap skipped along and started looking at the ice-cream chart.

"I’ll have a vanilla please....no no...emmmm, I'llllllll have chocolate. no no ..emmmmm...strawberry! Yea strawberry"

While about to use the cake slice I wondered what it would be like if humans grew brains.

However this next customer made my day! The last customer of the day, just before closing time. Anyone who works in customer service, you will know what I mean, the sod that comes in when you’re trying to cash up or go home. The git who you’re sure just turns up to annoy the pants off you and your sure he wants you to punch him in the face!
He came swanning in at 6.30 to find me trembling with fury on the opposite side of the counter.

"What ice-cream have you got?"

As he undid his wallet as if he was buying some sort of million pound sports car I read him out the list.

“We’ve got vanilla, chocolate, mint chocolate chip and yoghurt forest fruit"

As he looked up he said the four words I dreaded.

"I’ll have strawberry please"

If I had a gun I would have shot him, but not in the head, I wanted him to feel the pain I would have shot him in this leg, arm, hand, foot, groin and then to finish off I would have hit him over the head with my cake slice.