I Will Never Know

As I lie there, still and silent and deep under my familiar covers, my mind starts to wander over years and years of my past and I can keep going as far back as it lets me…at times I remember things I hadn’t been aware of until that moment.

Behind my eyelids I can see her. Standing there, smiling at me, and it’s almost as if I could touch her…god, how I wanted to touch her.
I inhaled deeply as if I could smell her favorite perfume, which had become mine after, well…after. Those loose curls in her hair almost brought me to tears because I knew my fingers still fit them perfectly, as my body fit hers.

My heart ached for her. I’d wanted so much to turn back the hands of time and…
I could feel my arms tensing again and I had to keep them still because if I’d grabbed the air instead of actually touching her…it would only seem too real that she was gone.

I had one question that remained with me after…well, after.
She was the only person who could have answered it honestly. But I couldn’t bring myself to voice the words that had plagued me for decades.

After a while she started to fade and I couldn’t hold onto her face any longer and again, I was alone.

My eyes opened slowly and I stared blankly at the darkness that surrounded me.
There, I could collect my thoughts.
There, I could speak.



Were you still breathing when I begged them to stop?