The Intervention

The Intervention

Setting. God’s house.

At rise. JESUS and SATAN are sitting on the couch in God’s living room.


SATAN
Where is he? You said he’d be here by now!

JESUS
He’s usually home by six. I don’t know where he could be...

(The sound of jingling keys is heard.)

SATAN
Speak of the devil...

JESUS
Be cool, Satan. Let me do the talking. If we act like this was all my idea, maybe he’ll listen.

(GOD enters, carrying a bag of groceries.)

GOD
(not paying much attention)
Hey, Jesus!

(GOD heads to the kitchen and puts the bag down. He suddenly looks confused and slowly pokes his head into the living room.)

GOD
(to Jesus)
What’s he doing here?

JESUS
I asked him to come.

SATAN
You got a problem with that?

JESUS
Didn’t I tell you to let me do the talking?

GOD
(slowly entering the living room)
What’s going on?

JESUS
I think you should have a seat, Dad.

GOD
(sitting in a chair)
This sounds serious. Is something wrong?

JESUS
Yes, there is something wrong.

SATAN
Very wrong.

GOD
What is it?

JESUS AND SATAN
(in unison)
You.

GOD
(skeptically)
Me?

SATAN
Isn’t that what we just said?

GOD
Well, yes, but to be honest, I didn’t believe you. In fact, I find it hard to believe that anyone would have the nerve to tell the creator of the universe there’s something wrong with him!

JESUS
Nobody’s perfect, Dad.

GOD
Speak for yourself! I’m the poster boy for perfection!

SATAN
God, maybe you should listen to what we have to say before this turns into a full-blown temper tantrum.

GOD
Why are you even here? I thought you were still mad at me about the whole Hell thing.

SATAN
I am...but that doesn’t mean I can’t worry about you. Remember, we were friends once!

GOD
(dramatically)
Yes, I remember, but that was a long time ago... What are you worried about? I’m fine!

JESUS
No, you aren’t. You have a serious problem!

GOD
No I don’t!

SATAN
Yes you do!

GOD
No I don’t!

JESUS
Yes you do!

GOD
No I-

JESUS
(yelling)
Dad!

GOD
What? I don’t have a problem! And if you don’t leave me alone, I’m going to send you to Hell to live with your new best friend, Satan!

SATAN
(sarcastically)
I don’t know what we were thinking! You obviously have no problems whatsoever!

JESUS
This is what I’m talking about! You’ve let your power go to your head!

GOD
What? You’re crazy!

JESUS
Correct me if I’m wrong, but I could’ve sworn that you just threatened to send your own son to Hell!

GOD
So?

JESUS
You don’t see anything wrong with that?

GOD
No.

SATAN
Anything at all? You can take a minute to think to think about it...

GOD
No.

SATAN
Really? ‘Cause that’s even worse than sending-oh, I don’t know-your best friend to Hell!

GOD
When are you gonna get over that? It was two thousand years ago!

SATAN
I still live there, don’t I?

GOD
Yeah, but you deserve it!

(SATAN glares at GOD.)

GOD
I do not abuse my power!

SATAN
Do you even remember why you sent me to Hell?

GOD
Because you’re a jerk?

SATAN
No, it was because I ate the rest of the peanut butter!

GOD
You know how much I like peanut butter!

SATAN
I also know that you’re God, and if you want peanut butter, all you have to do is think about it!

GOD
Well-

SATAN
(angrily interrupting God)
We were best friends, God! I lived with you, I helped you run Heaven, I babysat your son…and you threw it all away because of something that doesn’t even matter!

GOD
Doesn’t matter? My name was on that jar!

JESUS
That’s enough! Can’t we talk about this like rational adults?

SATAN
That might be a little difficult since one of us doesn’t know the meaning of rational!

GOD
Don’t be embarrassed-it means reasonable.

SATAN
I was talking about you!

JESUS
Satan, maybe you should let me do the talking for now!

SATAN
(pouting)
Fine.

JESUS
Dad, it’s time for you to admit that you have a problem.

GOD
I would be happy to...but I don’t!

JESUS
You’ve had this problem for thousands of years, since before I was even born! It’s time to do something about it!

GOD
Jesus, I’ll make a deal with you. If you and Satan can prove without a doubt that I have a problem controlling my awesome power, I’ll go join a twelve-step program or something.

JESUS
Okay, let’s start at the beginning. The first issue I have is how you dealt with Eve when she got Adam to disobey you. Now, a regular person would’ve just punished her; you, on the other hand, decided to punish all women until the end of time because you were mad at Eve. Does that sound fair to you?

SATAN
(singsong)
Power trip!

GOD
That was completely justified! Women are evil!

SATAN
So that’s why you’ve never been married... I always just assumed you were gay.

GOD
You’ve never been married either!

SATAN
That’s your fault! Do you have any idea how hard it is to meet a nice girl in Hell?

GOD
That’s what you get for eating my peanut butter!

JESUS
Dad!
GOD
What? I’m just saying...

JESUS
You’re really not helping your case.

SATAN
Why don’t we get back to telling God what’s wrong with him?

JESUS
Okay, why don’t we talk about a little incident known as “The Great Flood”?

SATAN
The Great Flood?! You mean the disaster in which he-who-has-no-problem wiped out ninety-nine point nine percent of the human race simply to prove his existence?

JESUS
I don’t mean to be disrespectful, but what were you thinking?! What’s the point of proving that you exist if no one’s going to be around to realize it? A bunch of dead people aren’t going to do you any good!

SATAN
(singsong)
Power trip!

GOD
That doesn’t prove anything!

SATAN
(sarcastically)
You’re right-that was a perfectly rational solution to a problem...not unreasonable at all!

GOD
I brought those people into the world, and I have the right to take them out of it whenever and however I please!

JESUS
I understand, but it was still really unnecessary.

SATAN
Speaking of things that were completely uncalled for, how ‘bout those plagues?

JESUS
Ooh, good one!
SATAN
Don’t get me wrong, I agree that Pharaoh was a bad guy, but you could’ve easily struck him with lightning or made him burst into flames. However, being the fair and compassionate God you are, you decided to punish the entire country of Egypt instead!

JESUS
Why, Dad? Why do you make other people suffer when you could just punish one and be done with it?

GOD
Because I can.

SATAN
I could do that too, but I know how to control myself! And people think I’m the evil one...

GOD
Well, I did blame a lot of things on you... like all that stuff I did to Job.

SATAN
That’s why everyone hates me?! Maybe you should be the one running Hell! You obviously have a much greater capacity for evil than I do!

GOD
Why don’t you cry about it?

(SATAN angrily jumps up off of the couch.)

SATAN
Why don’t you shove it up your-

JESUS
(quickly interrupting)
Guys! Do you think you can stop acting like children long enough for us to do what we came here to do?!

SATAN
I can-but I’m not sure about God.

JESUS
Satan...

SATAN
Sorry.

JESUS
Satan, you had something you wanted to discuss with Dad, didn’t you?

SATAN
Yes. God, I’m concerned with your decision to send certain people to Hell.

GOD
Haven’t we been through this already? Get over it!

SATAN
I’m not talking about me this time! Lately, you’ve been sending good people to Hell-people who have devoted their lives to helping others and worshipping you! Do you have any idea how shocked I was when I went to greet the new arrivals and had to explain to Mother Theresa why she didn’t get into Heaven? I didn’t know what to say! I couldn’t even begin to understand why you would send her to Hell!

GOD
It’s simple-she was taking focus off of me! Everyone was always going on about how giving and selfless she was-they practically worshipped her! They’re only supposed to worship me-it says so in the Ten Commandments-so I had to punish her!

JESUS
You’re unbelievable!

GOD
Thanks.

JESUS
Not in a good way!

GOD
Are we done yet? This is taking forever!

JESUS
What do you expect? Interventions take awhile!

SATAN
Yeah, don’t get mad at us! It’s not our fault you have problems!

GOD
(sighing)
Why don’t you guys finish telling me what’s wrong with me so you can go home?

JESUS
Okay. I’ve got an issue with one of the Commandments.

SATAN
You mean the one where he says that everyone has to trust him and only him or they’ll burn in Hell? Or the one where he says everyone has to worship him and only him or they’ll burn in Hell?

JESUS
I’m not a big fan of either of those, but I was actually talking about the one where he says that we all have to devote an entire day each week to him.

SATAN
Yeah, God, that does seem like overkill. That’s fifty-two days a year, twelve hundred and forty-eight hours...it’s a little much to ask people to spend that much time praying to you and thinking about how great you are! You must be pretty insecure if you need to be worshipped that much!

GOD
(obnoxiously)
Yeah, genius, I’m really insecure! Are you kidding? I created every person who has ever existed-do you really think I need their validation to feel good about myself?

SATAN
Actually, I do.

JESUS
I agree. Your little power issue is a classic sign of insecurity.

SATAN
You do seem really needy. Everybody thinks so.

GOD
Who’s everybody?

JESUS
Me, Satan, Moses, Mary, Joseph, Judas, Noah-

GOD
Noah? After everything I did for him, he said I was needy? First thing tomorrow-

SATAN
You’re going to send him to Hell? How original!

GOD
Shut up.
(to Jesus)
Who else thinks I’m needy?

JESUS
It’s not important.

GOD
I need to know!

JESUS
No, you don’t!

GOD
(roughly grabbing Jesus by the collar)
Tell me!

JESUS
(quickly)
David, Joshua, Matthew, Ruth, Job, Sarah, Luke...should I keep going?

SATAN
Let go of him, God!

GOD
No, I want the names of everyone who said that I’m needy!

SATAN
That could take all night! Maybe instead of trying to punish everyone who has the audacity to think you’re capable of having a flaw or two, you should just accept the fact that you’re not perfect!

GOD
But-

JESUS
Dad, no one is going to stop worshipping you just because you’ve made a few mistakes...but if you lose your temper and kill a bunch of people every time you don’t get your way, it’s going to be hard to get anyone to keep respecting you! Sometimes it’s hard for even me to respect you!

(GOD gasps and abruptly lets go of JESUS.)

GOD
What?!

JESUS
I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it.

GOD
You always say what you mean! You’re Jesus!

JESUS
I can’t help it! You made me that way!

GOD
I know! You were supposed to be the closest thing to God on Earth, and you turned out nothing like me! Where did I go wrong?

JESUS
Dad...

GOD
How could I have let myself become someone my own son can’t be proud of?

SATAN
(inching toward the exit)
Uh, Jesus? I’ll wait for you in the car.

(SATAN exits.)

JESUS
I am proud of you!

GOD
No, you aren’t! Admit it-you’re ashamed to call me your father!

JESUS
Not all the time!

GOD
(dramatically)
Don’t look at me!

(GOD buries his face in his hands and begins crying. His sobs are loud and exaggerated.)

JESUS
I’m not ashamed of you! How could I be? I’m the son of the man who created the universe!

GOD
(looking up)
You mean it?

JESUS
I’m Jesus, aren’t I?

(GOD stops crying and wipes the tears from his eyes.)

JESUS
I’m very proud of you! It’s just...I don’t agree with some of the things you do! You need to learn to control yourself-your power is supposed to be used for good, not for punishment or revenge!

GOD
You’re right! I can’t believe I let my power go to my head like that…I feel like such a jerk! Can you teach me to be more like you, Jesus?

JESUS
I think you’re beyond my help.

(JESUS removes a folder from underneath the couch. He hands the folder to GOD.)

GOD
What’s this?

JESUS
Satan and I checked out a couple of places, and we found one that would be really good for you.

GOD
(confused)
Like rehab?

JESUS
Exactly! They have those for everything these days!

GOD
But-

JESUS
Trust me, it’s the best thing for you! These people are professionals...three months there and you’ll be as good as new!

GOD
Three months?! I can’t leave for three months!

JESUS
Yes, you can...that’s all it will take for you to learn to stop being so dependent on your power! You’ll be a better person, and people will like you again!
(pause)
And even better, you’ll learn to love yourself just the way you are.

GOD
(cringing)
I’m not sure about this...

JESUS
Everything’s already taken care of-just read the paperwork I gave you, and I’m sure you’ll change your mind!

GOD
I don’t need rehab! I can quit any time I want to-I just haven’t wanted to yet!

JESUS
Dad...

GOD
I can change, I swear! All I need is a little help! A little...not three months locked away with a bunch of addicts! I deserve better than that!

JESUS
It’ll be fine, Dad...and I’ve already paid for it, so you’re going! I don’t know about you, but I sure am looking forward to meeting the new and improved God!

GOD
Jesus, don’t do this...

JESUS
I have to go, but I’ll be back to pick you up at eight tomorrow morning!

(JESUS begins walking toward the exit.)

JESUS
Oh, and don’t worry about a thing-Satan will be running Heaven for you while you’re gone!

JESUS exits.

GOD
Satan?
(yelling)
Satan?!

(GOD throws himself to the ground.)

GOD
(in horror)
Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

(GOD continues to scream as the lights fade to black.)