V's Secret - The Fantasy/The Reality

So I went to the Mall yesterday, and there in all its splendor was the Victoria's Secret store. It's not hard to find really, just look for the guys mulling around the outside displays and the Dad's with strollers and the slightly glazed over look on their faces conveniently lined up on the benches facing the mannequins in the new "Angel" look underwear while they wait for their wives shopping in J.C. Penney's.

It's the Holiday Shopping Season, so of course when you first walk in your eyes are filled with shades of red and green, pink and white and dazzling sparkles. In other stores these would be emanating from colorful displays of traditional themes. At Victoria's Secret? They're emanating from bras, panties and a wide and various assortment of bedtime, and not so bedtime but they want you to "think" it's for bedtime, attire.

I was glad to see as one approached me, that the customer service team members at Victoria's Secret (it seems to me that all the "help" at stores these days are now referred to as "team members"; customers themselves now considered "guests" - it also seems to me that's a bit pretentious, but I'm getting cranky and cynical as the years go by) are kindly not chosen with any heavy leanings toward model-worthy good looks. Personally? I appreciate that. It's bad enough to have the perfect Victoria's Secret advertising models hanging on the walls and looking out at you from above displays looking like Gods' gift to mans' vision of the "ultimate woman"; much less to have one of them actually walk up to me and go "hello, how can I help you and what are you looking for today?" Can you imagine that? I can. Envision my self-esteem as a filled and buoyant balloon. Then imagine all the air coming out of it.......

Which leads me to my first point; please don't anybody in a Victoria's Secret store ask that question of me. Really, any of you sales people/team members, regardless of your looks; just - don't - ask. What am I suppose to answer? "Well, I'm looking for something really low-cut and slinky with faux jewels I think, to hopefully re-ignite the passion in my relationship/marriage, even though I know looking like your models do in anything this store has to offer is a fantasy of mega-proportions and I truly should just head to Sears. Do you have anything in an edible thong?"

But even though I wish she hadn't, she did. I replied with the standard "just looking thanks", which in any other store would have had me turning to eyeball a blender, or a some shoes or an attractive faux-fur day jacket. In Victoria's Secret? Turning my eyes brought me up close and personal with the be-jeweled crotch of a pair of thong underwear that just the "thought" of wearing induces a cold sweat. Much to my horror, the salesgirl saw where my eyes went, "oh isn't that beautiful?! Would you like to try it on?" Oh sure I thought, and right after that could you stick bamboo shoots up my fingernails? But instead I said, "oh, I don't think so. To be honest, I just don't sense thongs are all that comfortable to wear, I've always been afraid to try them."

Big mistake, huge. Don't "ever" say that to a Victoria's Secret salesperson. I was then given a painful lesson in "Thong 101". "Oh, they're wonderful! You just need to get used to them. It took me about three days of wearing one before I got completely hooked. Now I can't even tell the difference between a thong and a regular panty!"

I stood there waiting for her nose to grow.

I needed a diversion. Quick. "A bra," I said, "I was really thinking about a new bra." Inwardly I smiled, thinking I had found the perfect and least embarrassing excuse for having walked in the store in the first place. Au contraire. "Oh wonderful", she gushed with a "just between you and me" kind of gleam in her eye. She leaned in, and in a lowered voice that I actually found a little un-nerving, she asked "Have you seen our new demi-not padded push-up plush bras?! Gawd, they feel heavenly! Or would you like to see something a little more delicate and lacy? Then too, we have the special Holiday adornments available now, with or without enhancements!"

Oh dear, this wasn't going to be easy.

It was then that the Gods took pity on me. As I stood there in my Levi's and flannel shirt, which no doubt had stood out like a beacon of challenge to my sales helper, this vision of potential commission dollar signs walked up to us. I'd guess in her late 20's, blond hair, blue eyes, looking like she just walked out of an issue of Vanity Fair, with the kind of figure that could actually fit into the previously mentioned crotch be-jeweled thong underwear, she walked up with a satin and lace camisole in her hand asking my sales team member if they had it in anything smaller than small. And with a "why yes, yes, not only that, but we also have them in velvet!", the two of them walked off with eyes gleaming.

Me? I smiled and sighed in relief. It was then, in the solitary quiet, that my eyes glimpsed the display of cotton underthings. Pretty, pretty cotton, in lovely colors and attractive yet comfortable shapes. I felt like an immigrant on Ellis Island must have felt in the throngs of humankind, finding a fellow countryman. I walked over and picked up a pair in a lovely shade of pale green. I looked up to see another woman across from me holding a pair in red.

We smiled at each other in silent understanding.