|My Dearest Ryan Patrick,
I'm sure by now you've found many letters under this heading, but if you'll also notice, those were written before you were born. Currently, you are a most sweet, curious and mischievous boy of two, much like how I dreamed you would be. I realize you most likely won't get this letter until later, probably not until you can read and understand it's contents. I suppose the reason I'm writing this is because I would like to recognize just how special you are and what you mean to me at such a crucial juncture in my life right now.
You might not know this, but you have saved my life twice now. If it weren't for you, I don't know if I would be here writing this letter to you. It's amazing to think, but how does a two year old save someone's life? And twice for that matter?
Well, listen and I shall tell you.
The first time was when I was about to start college. I never admitted the fact that I could have been pregnant, although I had a suspicion I was. By August's beginning however, I had lost my chance to be a mommy. My reasoning behind telling you this is that, I am a firm believer in reincarnation. I have a belief that the child I was carrying at the time was, indeed, you. Looks and some characteristics of your personality are determined by genetics, this is true; but I also feel that who you are, your very being, is with you always, regardless of parentage. This is your soul. This is why I believe it was your being that I lost during that time.
I wanted to drown away in misery, to join the little one that would have meant the most in my life that I never fully got to meet. However, I realized that I had a reason to go on; one day I would get you back physically, and my world would be complete. From that time forward, I made it a point to live everyday for you. Every morning that I woke up with the sun shining on my face, I would consider it our way of giving each other a hug, and a solemn vow that we would be back in each other's lives soon once more.
This was the first time you ever saved my life. Just the reassurance that I would try to find, the very strong thread of hope that I carried with me since I was blessed with your presence at that time was enough to keep me moving forward in my life.
The second time has basically been my life thus far. I will admit to you now son, adult life is no bed of roses, and I have been through quite an amount of life experiences and tests of faith. But, the minute I found out God had granted my prayer and I had you back in my life once more, I knew it was all I ever asked for. Everyday that I see your sweet little smiling face, that I hear that wonderful little laugh of yours, and feel the embrace of your small toddler arms wrapped around my neck for a hug so full of the purest love, I know that is a day my life has truly been blessed. I can make it through anything this world has to throw at me as long as I have you with me. You, my Ryan Patrick, are my reason for waking up every morning and for being the strong person I am today; for simply breathing. You are my motivation to go outside and face the day. You are the only thing that can make me laugh, smile, play, sing and explore amazing and wondrous things in the world as we share those adventures together. When I'm with you, I feel alive and happy. You give me a purpose in this world. In return, all you ask of me is my nurturing, attention and love, which I am more than happy to give. There is no one on this Earth that I believe deserves those undeniable rights more than you.
You truly are my sunshine. I don't just sing that song to you because it's pretty (although at two, you're really none the wiser to the connotation of the lyrics), but because it speaks the truth so wholly to the relationship you and I have. My life is gray, and you are the only sunshine I have in it. I don't know if you'll ever understand just how much I love and adore you, but I hope this letter brings some insight to that, and I pray that you, my Sunshine, are never parted from me again. You mean everything to me.
I just want to thank you Ryan, for being the inspiration to my life, and for reassuring my existence in this world. Without you, I would be lost;nothing. To call myself your mother is the proudest achievement of my life, and it always will be.
I love you with all of my heart and soul. Never forget that.