|We stood together as if two years of love had never happened. I’d not seen her since the last time and I was determined to hurt her back now for what she’d done to me.
I wanted to ask her all these barbed questions, as I now doubted everything that had ever happened. I hoped that these barbed questions that were violently tumbling within me would shred her innards like they were doing to mine
They were all asking `why do you do this to me?’ Hurting me, you’ve broke my heart and never once, since doing so, thought of me. My head is full of anger as I can’t understand why you don’t love me anymore. How can not loving me anymore mean you can be this angry with me?
All I’ve ever done is love you, lose you, hate and still love you. Now I feel you’ve used me. If you’d loved me you’d feel something for the pain I’m in. You’d understand why I’m so hurt and you would be sorry. Instead you’re cold to me and make your gestures of affection now to someone else.
But that wouldn’t hurt her. She doesn’t care about me. So why would she feel guilty for what she’s doing to me? She’s inhuman. But I still couldn’t make myself hurt her.
I just looked at her, longing to embrace this demon that scared me that I didn’t recognise.
Through all this pain I glanced at her eyes, looking away from mine. I could see how the complexities of the moments, the pressure of my hate and hurt was making her wish she wasn’t here. I could see now that she didn’t love me… She didn’t want to be stood here. Yet I stood still hoping that she’d say sorry to me and take everything back.
I spoke to the demon within a trembling hush, “I understand you don’t love me. I understand in time I’ll stop hurting as I learn to stop loving you.” I wanted to say my afterthought to what was a prewritten mental note of comfort of such a true statement but one I hate to think possible.
She just turned to talk to the dog that had come to see who I wasn’t talking to at the front door. She talked to her beloved pet. My dog was happy to see her; they hadn’t seen each other for two weeks. It had been quite obvious that Sandy had missed her just as much as I had.
I looked at how the dog seemed ecstatic to see her. She hadn’t recently been as animated as usual unless she was going out for a walk. Even being fed was now another mundane task to her; just more monotony in the void of living. Now with the scent of our love back her hind legs wobbled with the shear momentum of her tail swinging in joy.
Unable to continue to pause with me she came closer to me to get to the dog. Rejected further by her I moved back to keep my distance. Her voice, high pitched, in the way she would talk to the dog, quivered higher then usual as she said hello. This too stabbed me as it was really goodbye; even the dog was being lied too. She kneeled down and hugged the dog saying hello again. Fucking bitch I thought, be honest with both of us, you’re leaving us.
She got up and asked if I could go to my room and get her birth control pills for her.
‘You don’t need to ask me to get them’ I replied wanting to show her that nothing had changed.
Annoyed by my delusional naivety, she spoke to me, ‘Well I wouldn’t want you to come into my room and just take stuff.’
We live in different rooms? I thought. You have another room, but I don’t have my own room, we share a room together? Is she trying to be considerate or hurtful I mused?
She got up and looked me in the eyes for the first time. Her once soft gaze was now sharp and cutting at me more with each second that passed.
Unable to withstand it, I turned and lead her to the room. She stood at the door waiting to be invited in.
‘It’s fucking ok; you have permission to enter if you must have it.’ I stabbed back at her passive aggressive non verbal brawling. She really did want to make sure I understood that she feels nothing now, that we are two different people apart. Why or how this had changed I’ll never understand.
I climbed over the bed to her side to get her pills.
“Well I guess your just itching to fuck him you slut” I threw at her with this months half used foil strip and their future supplies. Then I took a swing at the fucking wall. I wanted to break her silence, crack open what she feels, I just wanted to show her how I feel. I wanted to hurt her as much as this was hurting me. But with no means to penetrate her, all I could do was attack everything else.
Looking back at me she didn’t speak still. I know how impossible it is to break her if she’s `stone walling’ you. I’d seen her do this with my former friends who I no longer wasted my time and life with.
Taking a deep breath and pulling at my hair I asked “Please tell me this, did you ever love me?” knowing I couldn’t break her like she had me.
“Please, don’t Danny” she asked never answering my question, she winged at me, her tone and words the ones I’d usually hear when I was pestering her beyond her first playful request to stop my advances in public places hadn’t been noted.
“I Love you”
‘What do you love? Why do you love me?’ she questioned me with the intent to puncture me her words seemed to be pushed deeper with her dagger eyes.
Hurt by this, lost by the demonic turn my love was possessed with, I couldn’t answer. My throat closed itself trying to hold in my tears.
Then she followed that through with a statement to make sure she’d finish me off, “I don’t think you know what love is. I’ll see myself out.”
And as my best friend left, I watched the back of a stranger leaving. I fell to our bed, turned on my music for a sonic quilt to hide in further. The song started in a brief moment of static dead noise, then the twanged distorted guitars of the song followed, “Dead leaves and the dirty ground when I know your not around.” These words entered the room above me as I lay dead but trembling. I only ever heard half of the song taking note of lyrics `like every breath that is in your lungs is a tiny little gift to me and I didn’t feel so bad till the sun went down, then I come home, no one to wrap my arms around.’
This really wasn’t the best album to be listening to at that moment with songs like, “I’m finding it harder to be a gentlemen” “Fell in love with a girl” “The Union Forever” “Offended in every way” “I think I smell of rat” and her album favourite, “We’re going to be friends…”
The whole album was about loss, even songs like her favourite were really about loss. The poem of childhood things and the promises we make to one another as children. But this was a rose tinted memory too…
I remembered going to see this band in Blackpool. I remembered how she’d fell to the floor and was being trampled by lively fans; how hard I’d had to fight the crowd that was trampling her beneath. Pulling her out with one arm and my other fighting the crush, trying to get her to the side to safety. I took the last of the love notes she’d given me during our relationship from my pocket. I wanted to show it to her as evidence of how she once felt for me.
It reads “Remember always I see something in you, something beautiful in all your imperfections. A beauty I hold up for you to see. And it gives you a strength that can never be taken away.” Lies! All lies! I thought.
I just curled up beneath the sheets and the sound and I cried for now I really was alone.