Drugs or Me

Stay with me. You're the one I need. You make the hardest things seem easy.

We have been laying together for days. The sun hurts my eyes, but I'm afraid to leave him even if to just close the blinds. I can feel his body trembling next to mine, fighting to break out of my grasp. He's too weak now. The fighting had gone on too long. Each breath is a struggle against me. I want to tell him that we can do this, but only if we do it together.

Keep my heart somewhere drugs don't go; where the sunshine slows. Always keep me close.

I had been up all night waiting. He told me he would call. He told me he would been there at ten. It was a date. It was a plan. It was his last chance, I told him. After that night, I couldn't take anymore. I couldn't allow myself to put up with the pain, not for one minute more.

If only you could see the stranger next to me.

It was four AM when he started pounding on the door, screaming and swearing. I wanted to ignore him, but the neighbours started yelling, threatening to call the cops. I knew he was messed up. There was no way I could leave him out there or he would end up in jail. I loved him too much to let that happen. I had no choice, but to let him in. Just another night I would have to suffer with his temper, his bad choices, his addiction.

You promise, you promise that you're done, but I can't tell you from the drugs.

"Dan, you've gotta leave. You can't stay here anymore," I told him, angry to see those constricted pupils. Angry to see another mark on his already spotted arms. He was falling apart. His face was tired and old. He was only twenty-three, but anyone would have thought nearly fourty. Lines creased his forehead and his mouth. Frown lines. He was the saddest boy I had ever known. It had once been my attraction to him.

"Baby, this was the last time." His voice was void of any conviction. Words were just words, lies, just another way to ensure he had a bed to sleep in that night.

"How many times do I have to hear that? How many times do I have to hide you, knowing someone's going to call the police? I should call the cops, Dan!" I wouldn't. I couldn't. There was no way I would let them lock him up. It would do no good. In a day or two he would be out doing the same thing again.

Don't let go. We'll dig a great big hole. Down an endless hole we'll both go.

"Baby, I..." But he never finished the sentence. By this time he was already shaking, sweating, crying. His hands were red from banging on the door. His pants were filthy from things I wanted to know nothing about. His body collapsed against me. I could feel every bone in his body. When did he get so tiny? All the worse thoughts ran through my head. Something needed to change. He had no one. I had no one. It was just us.

You're so blind you can't save me this time. Hope comes from inside and I feel so low tonight.

"You're staying here tonight. You're staying here until you're better. You can't do this anymore," I told him. The strength in my voice was nearly gone. There had been too many nights like this. But had it ever been so desperate?

I need your help to pull me up.

"Please. Please." He cried like a child. I forced my tears away. One of us had to be strong. He definitely wasn't. We undressed and curled up beneath the blankets. His body was like fire. His shaggy hair was plastered to the back of his neck. His boxers clung to his sweating legs. I pulled them off. He didn't move. His eyes were in another place. I sang softly to him, but he didn't hear me.

Take the wheel out from me.

The last few hours of the night were peaceful and we sleep right through. It wasn't until the morning. His eyes were angry and tired. He may have slept, but there was no resting for him. I was sure his dreams were just as horrible as the things I could see happening to him.

"Stella, I have to go." He was frantic, needy, addicted. He pulled at his hair. He searched through his pockets. Anything he had was gone. He searched in the places that I wasn't supposed to know about. I was one step ahead.

"Fuck you, Stella." A picture frame landed on the floor. Nothing was broken. Yet.

"I flushed it all," I told him. I wasn't afraid. Yet.

"Why would you do that? It's not yours, is it? You didn't pay for it, did you? Do you know how much money that's worth? Do you? How dare you?" These words meant nothing to me. I had heard them all before. He continued to search. I stayed near the door. He continued to yell. I sang over him. Things were falling to the ground. I stood shivering in my underwear. Then things went silent.

If only you could see the stranger next to me.

The one spot I had forgotten. The only spot I didn't check. He had found it. His hands fumbled with the bag in excitement, in need, in addiction. His back was turned to me. He had no chance to turn around and see if I was coming. It was just Dan and the drugs. I came up fast and hard, going not for the bag, but him, wrapping my arms around him tightly. His arms were pinned at his sides, leaving him nearly helpless. We fell into the counter. Our bare skin slid uncomfortably against the cheap laminate. I cried out in pain. He cried out in frustration. The baggy fell from his left hand. The needle from his right. My tears were becoming hard to fight. I curled my toes over the plastic and pushed Dan away from me, hard. He stumbled. I grabbed the bag and ran.

You sorry, you swear it, you're done.

I slammed the door on his arm. He didn't cry out in pain. I cried out in frustration. The toilet was an easy target. I tossed and it landed straight in the bowl with my back against the angry door. I waited until he was ready to take a second to breath before dashing toward the toilet and flushing it down.

"You bitch!" His words meant nothing. He wasn't himself.

But I can't tell you from the drugs.

He shoved me against the wall, screaming words that made no sense. He slapped me and slapped me. Nothing was broken. Yet.

"How could you?" He was crying. My face stayed still. It throbbed and ached, but I stayed still.

"You don't love me. If you loved me you wouldn't do this to me. How could you?"

"Because I do love you." I whispered as he walked away. He didn't hear me. I didn't want to take it anymore. I didn't want to deal with this anymore. It wasn't my fight. He wasn't my responsibility.

But I couldn't let him do this anymore.

Keep my heart

I took him by surprize again, pushing him toward the bed. He had his boxers back on. His socks were in his hands. He wanted out and didn't think I was capable of stopping him.

"Stella. Let me go!" His elbow collided with my ribs. I could take it. At least that's what I told my self. This beating would be worth it in the end. This fight, we were going to win it.

"Let me go!" The fight wasn't getting harder. His body was desperate and tired. I was rested and willing to fight for as long as it took. Even his tears were wearing him out. I pinned him onto the bed and pushed my palms into his collar bone. The pain, it seemed, was too much for him to handle.

"Why are you doing this, baby?" For a moment I thought he had returned to me.

"Just one more time and that's all," he cried. I cried now too. His pain was my pain, his fears were my fears, his addiction was my addiction.

Somewhere drugs don't go

Minutes seemed to drag for an eternity. He didn't sleep. I didn't sleep. Every move he made I assumed was another attempt to run. He tried. He hit me and punched me. Things fell from the light stand, from the tables, from the counters. A path of destruction followed him through my apartment. The neighbours knocked. We didn't answer. The phone rang. We let it ring. My body and mind were taking a beating while he lay, shaking beside me.

"Stella, oh, it hurts." He moaned and tossed his body around on the bed. A rubbed his back and tried to calm him. I sang into his ear. The pillows were damp with sweat and tears. He threw up. We cried together. He screamed and yelled, kicked and punched. I took it all and still wrapped my arms around him as he lay trembling.

Where the sunshine slows

We have been laying together for days. The sun hurts my eyes, but I'm afraid to leave him even. I can feel his body trembling next to mine, fighting to break out of my grasp. He's too weak now. The fighting had gone on too long.

"Stella?" His voice sounds sad and soft. It's like the first day I met him. It's him talking, not the anger, not the hurt, not the addiction.

"Yeah, I'm here." His shaking nearly stops for a moment.

"We're through the hardest part, right?" He asks. I don't know if we are. I want to tell him that it'll never be easy. I want him to know that I love him.

"Yes."

He turns to face me. Pale and emaciated. There's a happiness there though, something I hadn't seen before.

"Do programs cost a lot?" He wonders.

"Not any more than your habit," I explain in honesty.

"Can we afford it?" He asks, pushing his head against my chest. If only we could lay there forever and never wonder if we're going to have another evening like this. I try hard to force those thoughts away.

"Yes."

"We'll go then," he sighs. His breath is warm against me.

"When?"

"Let's just lay here a few more hours." He kisses my cheek and closes his eyes. I'm still scared to sleep, but for the first time, he's laying still next to me.

Always keep me close.




Italics: Jimmy Eat World [Drugs or Me] lyrics.
Written for: "Invalid Item"