A Treasure Chest heals Tears

After losing the love of her life, the loneliness often becomes intolerable. Julianne has found a ride along the rugged coast seems to help those feelings. Mozart playing, her long dark hair whipping her face, she can open her damaged soul to the wild wind. Pain comes in raw waves, crashing against the sea wall, her cries escalate to a primal scream. It is like probing an open wound without anesthetic. When she arrives home, sleep comes from exhaustion.

The Accident

Julianne Gregg kissed her husband Lance good-bye at their vine-covered cottage on a stormy night one year ago. Lance was invited to a party for a visiting professor from France. The party was being hosted by the Head of the Literature Department two hours away from their home. Julianne went to the occasional college function but tonight she was feeling congested. When she closed the door behind Lance, she felt relief. A glass of Merlot and brand new novel by her favorite author waited for her.

At midnight she was curled up under her cool cotton sheets and a silk comforter. It had begun to rain gently, a symphony on the windows, a sound that she loved. Lance would probably wake her with a kiss. He would never want her to stay up for him when she wasn't feeling well. She had taken a decongestant so the combination of it and the wine made her woozy. The phone woke her, a glance at the clock said 3:12 and she knew. Her hand on the cell phone was sweaty and cold. The handset read "St. Joseph's Hospital".
A professional female voice was on the line.

"Is this Julianne Gregg?"

"Yes, what's wrong?"

"I'm sorry to tell you but your husband is in serious condition. Have someone drive you. Come as soon as you can."

"But...can you tell me more..is he going to live?"

"He is holding his own. The sooner you get here, the better, okay?"

She made the drive alone on autopilot. Thank God she had GPS and it only took twenty minutes.

Julianne gave her name at the window. When no one responded she pushed her way through the crowded Emergency Department. She saw gurneys with bloody injured patients begging for medicine and the softly moaning elderly. She listened to angry people complaining about how long they had been waiting. There were crying children and ones vomiting into basins. She was wandering in a state of shock looking at faces for Lance's beautiful eyes.

An elderly female volunteer took her by the elbow.

"Who are you looking for, honey?"

"My husband, Lance. He was in a car accident."

"Wait just a moment and I will find someone to speak to you."

A chaplain appeared and escorted her into a dimly lit room. He held her cold hands with his warm ones.
"I am Reverand Martin, a physician is on his way."

Julianne could feel the salty tears running into her mouth.
The Chaplain reached into his jacket for a monogrammed hankerchief. She wondered how many he had stuffed in there.

"This is a mistake...I think I need to go home now."

Just then a young doctor, looking like a confused kid, came in. He kept his eyes cast down, as if he was facing a angry school teacher.

"I am so sorry, Ms. Gregg. It appears that your husband was killed instantly....head trauma. He probably didn't suffer. I know this is difficult but your husband was a young healthy man...had you two ever talked about him being a donor?"

'This was happening too fast.' Julianne couldn't think. She gripped the arms of the chair digging her nails into the fabric.

Then another young woman joined them. She introduced herself as Laura Hunter. She explained her job as an Organ Donor Coordinater. She apologized about Lance's early death but began to speak about how many other people he could help.

Julianne felt like she had to take some control here. 'This is my husband. How dare these people presume they know anything about the two of them?'
"I want to see Lance, please."

Laura explained Lance was stil on a ventilator so it will look like he is still alive but his brain waves are absent. The machines are trying to keep his body parts available.
Intellectually, Julianne understood this. The two of them had spoken about organ harvesting while watching TV programs about it.....but this was really happening. Before it was just a thing to discuss. She and Lance had discussed all this and they were organ donors with all the proper paperwork to cover each other in case. It was just so hard to believe. She already knew he wanted a small service and cremation. Lance had always been a realist.

She followed Laura into a room, like in an ICU, that was filled with monitors. She was assured she could touch her husband.

She asked the people in white coats that had arranged this charade to leave the two of them alone.

"But we should stay for your sake..and the machines. What if.."

"I said leave, please. He won't have another emergency, will he?"

'Like these people owned her love... how generous they are assuming she will share his everything. Where is the soul and what if they took it when they took his healthy heart ?She wasn't sure about that. How she wanted to get mad at someone. Hurt them like she had been hurt. It was only hours since she and Lance had shared each others everything.'

Lance had been cleaned up so well... was just sleeping soundly. She expected him to get up and go home.
"Darling, let's get these tubes out. Time to wake up and go home. The joke is over. You should have been an actor. You play dead well."

He didn't move except for his chest that was being filled with oxygen by a machine. Surely, it was all just a mistake. She grabbed him by the shoulders and shook him.

"Enough! You are scaring me!"

She climbed into the bed with him and tried to hold this body that had made love to her, dried her tears, laughed and made plans. There was still warmth in his strong body. She ran her fingers through his dark thick hair and the stickiness made her feel ill. The head injury was in the back and his eyes were taped over and face was bruised.

She collapsed in a chair. Exhaustion came over her. The longer she sat there he looked less like her husband and more like a body with dozens of tubes and machines. She kissed the bruised lips aound the tubing and walked away.

Suddenly, she longed for the insanity of the ER where there was human voices not the icy stillness of death.

Julia took her by the elbow and guided her to another gray room. She was given a pamphlet to read and then she signed donor release papers. This woman was far too young to have this delicate and complicated job. She asked if Julianne wanted some tissues.
"No, why?"
"I am sorry but you are soaking the legal papers."
Julianne didn't even know she was crying, again.

When she finally got home it was afternoon. Her head was pounding and she realized she hadn't drank or ate since dinner the night before. She knew she had to put one foot in front of the other so she fixed a sandwich and a cup of tea.

Part I

Looking Back: Falling in Love


She remembered the first time they touched. He literally stumbled over her on the campus lawn.

"I am so sorry. Did I hurt you?"

She checked herself out and smiled.

"I promise not to sue unless you're rich."

"You would be very disappointed. However since we are now so intimately acquainted, how about a date?"

She didn't answer but gestured at the book.
They were both reading "Anna Karenina". She was impressed he was absorbed in such a huge romantic novel.

"I'm Julianne, by the way. Is the book an assignment?"

"I'm Lance and it is but it's also my second read. Is that a prerequisite for a date?"

"Just wondering."
She smiled, lighting up his world.

She had long braided dark hair, she was one half Native American and her coloring was the only feature that hinted at her heritage. Her eyes were smoky brown with long lashes. Her lips were full, bee stung and sensual. She was slim and was wearing a long cotton skirt and top she made herself. They were simple in naturally tasteful colors. Her body was that of a dancer. She had been in ballet classes since she was a child.

He was a much better looking version of Woody Allen and she was Joan Baez.

He had dark rimmed glasses, thick tousled hair, and was shorter than her by a couple inches. His shirt was buttoned half up. He had on tight jeans and boots. He did have a great hairy chest. She discovered later that she loved to lay against it.
He favored silver and turquoise jewelry.

Sitting in a coffee shop they got to know each other better. She jumped right in with questions.

"Do you have family close by?"

He developed tears quickly in his eyes. "I lost both my parents in an auto accident when I was ten. I am an only child."

She felt like a fool.
"Oh, I am so sorry. Who raised you?"

"My grandparents on my Mom's side and they were great. How about you?"

"I grew up in a foster family with a merry-go-round of other kids. It wasn't so bad. I just had to work and make sure I had good enough grades to get a scholarship plus grant money. I don't know who my real parents were."

They were truly soul mates.
Finishing each others sentences, it was a lovely relationship. The first time they made love, it was like a delicious dinner with appetizers teasing for a main course that satisfied followed by luscious dessert. They fit together beautifully.

Most of their free time was spent going to plays, symphonies and lectures on campus. They were often found in coffee houses where folk singers and poets hung out. She worked at teaching ballet and he was a coach for a high school soccer team. They both had academic scholarships but had to pay for housing and food.

Since they wanted to be together, It made sense to find a cheap apartment and share expenses.
He surprised her with wild flower bouquets, polished rocks, homemade fudge and poetry. She did the same so arguments were few, liquor was weekends only. Sex was frequent, fantastic, gentle, sweet and fulfilling.

After a simple but meaningful wedding at the courthouse, they graduated and he started working on his Masters in Literature while she taught dance to children. She wanted a baby and he wanted to teach college.

He finished both his Baccalaureate and Masters in Literature in five years and was given a job in the English Department. She was hired full time at a school for children with disabilities in town.
Ballet seemed to help these children and she loved teaching them.
Over the next five years their life was lovely.

A retired woman professor who was a friend, Olive Olsen, had a cottage that she needed someone to live in while she cared for an ailing sister. Lance jumped at the chance.

It was a storybook cottage with window boxes full of flowers and a fireplace. It had a pond with lilies and birdhouses with a path that wound around the property to a wall of rocks. It sat on a three acre wooded lot half a mile from the Maine coastline.

They took the dust covers off the wonderful wicker furniture. On adventures they discovered eclectic pieces at yard sales and thrift stores. There were two bedrooms. The small bedroom they painted yellow with a border of baby ducks. They decided on a mural so they took turns painting whatever their muse suggested. They met in the middle with a magical forest of fuzzy characters.

A pregnancy test was positive. They were ecstatic and the nursery was complete. She lost the pregnancy at twelve weeks. It hurt. They lost two more pregnancies.

Now they were both heartbroken so decided to give it a break. Julianne asked Lance to please put some sperm into a bank. She had read an article about it. He did it with no questions.

Part iI:

Life Must go on

She is still at the cottage a year after Lance's death. This is where she and Lance built their world and surely he is here somewhere. She will wait until he comes to her. She can't think of work. She has money since the college continues to pay her half of Lance's salary for five years plus he had a substantial life insurance policy. She is just waiting.

One day when she is riding up the coast she detoured to go by the town square. It is a lovely place but she had avoided it because of memories.

Then going purely with feelings, she spots a new quaint shop called "The Golden Goose."
She can feel the excitement.
She is at the right place at the appointed time. Fate is guiding her to a date with destiny.

She opens the door. It is there; a regal red chest. The bold dragons on top are vibrant emerald green jewels surrounded with ebony and pearl inlay. Around the dragons are tiny white porcelain flowers with chimes painted on. The two dragons breathing flames are guarding the contents. They seem to wink at her as if she needs no introduction. When the box is opened, the faint tingling of chimes is heard.

A magical maze of compartments and drawers, four of the inner boxes are locked without keys visible. In her heart lay the emotional keys and this ornate box holds her future.

She asked where it had come from. The shop owner wasn't sure. His cousin was at the shop when it came in; someone had pawned it and never picked it up. Time had run out for them to pick it up.

Julianne made a place of honor for it at home. She touched the satin covering of the first drawer. She tugged as warmth flowed through her.

His voice whispers gently in her ear.

"Push the drawer in."
She did and it opens.
She felt calm for the first time in a year.
There was a letter.

Darling:
I know that you are sad and miss me. I am not far from you. Just on the other side of a door. It will open one day and we will be reunited. I am at peace. Cherish life and friends. You will find another love. Accept happiness; you deserve it.
I cherish you.
L.

How could this be possible? She would write to him. She placed the letter in the drawer and closed it. Now, she couldn't open it. She tried the drawers each day. It was a month before a different drawer opened.
Inside was a cherry music box and a talent agent's business card.

Her ballerina slippers were hung up in a closet.
One cannot dance with a broken heart.

The music box played the sweet song of an enchanting Nightingale. It brought tears to her eyes. As though he was there, she felt Lance's sweet kisses on her cheeks.

She called the agent. With an anxious heart, she went for an audition. She began to dance. When she felt overwhelmed, she was lifted by invisible arms. It was a perfect performance with Lance's touch on her shoulder.

Her heart was healing.

The next time she tried to open a drawer, another letter and an empty jeweler's box were found.


Darling:
I am proud of you. I watch you and the music become one. The hearts of all who see you rise with joy. The ballet of life requires strength, love, and dedication.
Now it is time to take off your wedding band. You are sensational.
L.


Lance gave her strength to remove the endless circle of love from her finger.

One night, as she performed, a handsome man met her eyes in the front row. He introduced himself as Derrick Weaver. He said he was employed by The New York Ballet and she had enchanted him with her beauty and dancing.

"Do you know how lovely you are? When you dance, one forgets all their troubles."

He didn't push. Since Lance, every time a man had looked at her, she froze.

Derrick invited her out for coffee. He was the opposite of Lance with dirty blonde long hair tied back and blazing sapphire eyes. They spoke of their love for the ballet. He used to dance until he pulled and tore a ligament. He had surgery but it never healed so dancing professionally was impossible. Now he recruited.

"I can see the need in your eyes for the dance."

"I don't want to dance without Lance to watch me. It brings only pain."

"Please think about it. Not many have the gift to make others feel love and emotional pain as they move."

The chest held one last surprise, a wedding veil.

Darling;
Put this on your beautiful dark honey hair, look into a mirror and smile, play the nightingale music box. There is someone in your life. Embrace living every day. Remember me as a gentle summer rain, laughter in snowball fights, long talks in front of a romantic fire.
An old love is now your angel.
L.

The wedding veil was never used by Julianne. It was put away for Katlin, Lance's daughter.

Derrick could not compare with the ghost of her one true love. She really tried and when Derrick tried to pin her down she was honest with him.

It only took three attempts at Jenny Johnson's office and Julianne had what was left here on Earth of Lance. It was a wonderful pregnancy, she literally danced through it giving lessons until her feet began to swell. For the last month she nested with knitting.

Katlin was perfect and looked a lot like her Daddy.

Eventually, Julianne did find a companion, Jason Baldwin. A lawyer, he was twenty years older than her but they had a lot in common and he made her feel safe. At that point in her life, with a child to care for, his love and protection meant a lot. It was a different love but satisfied them both.

Katlin called him "Pop" and the two of them fished together, watched ballgames and adored each other.

When Jason was sixty, he suffered the first of five heart attacks. He lived for only two years more years despite bypass surgeries.

Jason told Julianne how happy she made him many times. He left her well off with a lovely large home in town. He also bought the cottage when the sweet old Professor died. She sold the house and moved where her heart still lived.

The day came when Katlin was crying over a lost love. Julianne held her and whispered,
"When your heart is broken, cling to those who love you. In the road of Life, dreams and happiness are just around the bend."


By Kathie Stehr
Edited June 18, 2011