David, I Miss You

Well, there is NO one I can call at 3:30 in the morning, so I hope you don't mind if I write... sometimes it helps me.

I was lying there thinking about David. I learned a lot of things I didn't know about him, at the memorial. He really was a very special person, to a lot of people... I'm guessing that most everyone who knew him loved him.

I was thinking about what I liked about him. I kind of felt a connection with him, that I don't get with most people. I guess it was because I didn't feel threatened by him. I felt like he was nonjudgemental, kind and considerate, but not in a phony way... in a genuine, caring way. I knew when I talked to him that he didn't have any ulterior motives. He was just being himself.

Sometimes we would play phone tag. I'd call him, and a couple or a few days later, he would call me back, and I would almost have forgotten that I had called. But he'd say, "I'm sorry I didn't get back with you sooner." But he would always call me back. And he would always say that he appreciated me calling.

Then sometimes he would call me, out of the blue. I don't even remember what all we talked about, but I remember it was always interesting. I didn't realize how intelligent he was until I started talking to him some. He was usually kind of quiet around the meeting room. To tell you the truth, the first time I saw him, a couple of years ago, I thought he might have been homeless. I think he had been working that day and was covered in dirt. Little did I know, until I got to know him.

What bothers me, is that I didn't really get to know him as well as I would have liked to. I remember when he was without a license, I gave him Dalton's phone number, so maybe he could catch a ride to a meeting, because I knew that Dalton lived not far from him. It never occured to me that I could have offered to take him myself. I could have gone and spent some time with him on one of those weekends I was busy feeling lonely and trying to make friends at the Loafing Leprechaun.

When you told me the other day, that he had gotten another dui, my first thought was to call him to see how he was doing, to see if there was any way i could help. But when you said not to mention that you had told me about the dui, I was thinking that I hadn't planned to, just wanted to call and check on him. I guess I put off calling because I didn't trust myself not to mention it.

I guess I am feeling kind of guilty. I don't know if there is anything anybody could have done. I kind of doubt it, but still in the back of my mind, I don't know. I guess I was in denial about what was going on with him, the same way I was with my roommate, 3 of the 4 years that he lived here. I thought if I just tolerated everything that was going on, and loved him enough, that eventually things would straighten out. I didn't realize it was out of my control.

But that's a whole different story. Still, it was powerlessness, a feeling I don't like.

I really felt sad tonight, when his dog Cuddles was outside after the memorial service was over. I'd say, "Cuddles" and pet her, and she'd look at me, and then look back down the driveway. I know she was looking for David, wondering when he's coming back. I wonder how long she will wait for him... probably forever. I don't care what anybody says, animals KNOW what love is.

And David did, too.