The Messenger

‘Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you. I will help you. I will uphold you with my victorious right hand.’ Isaiah 41:10

Friday Morning, June 10th
Jenny glanced at the clock on the stove as she poured hot coffee into her husband’s thermos. It was after eight. "Honey, you're going to be late for your meeting if you don't hurry." She announced.

A few minutes later Bill rushed into the kitchen. "Where are my keys?" He asked franticly. "I thought I put them on the dresser."

"They’re on the end table by the front door." She replied.

He sighed and then smiled, "What would I ever do without you?" He kissed her gently on the lips. "I love you. Don’t forget our reservations are at 6:30."

“I won’t.”

He grabbed his thermos off the counter and hurried into the living room to retrieve his keys.
"I love you. Have a good day." Jenny said, as he rushed out the front door.

Jenny stood in the doorway and watched her husband pull out of the driveway and then disappear down the street. Her mind drifted back to before she met Bill.

A few years earlier her husband had left her without a word. She was alone and scared. Her marriage to Pete had been rocky from the start. Years of physical and emotional abuse had left her depressed and almost at the point of ending her life. She was afraid to be with him and afraid to be alone, but that was all in the past. She was now married to a wonderful loving man who adored and cherished her.

She looked up at the sky, smiled and whispered, “thank you God”. Then she closed the door and went upstairs to get ready for work.

Friday Evening, June 10th
While driving home that evening Jenny heard on the radio that highway 74 was closed due to a traffic accident, so she decided to take the scenic route home. It was about fifteen minutes longer, but she wasn't in a real big hurry to get home. Their reservation for Shay Zharn’s was at 6:30 and Bill wouldn’t be home until six so that gave her plenty of time to get ready. She could hardly believe they would be celebrating their fourth wedding anniversary tonight.

Fifteen minutes later, she pulled into her driveway and parked the car in the garage. Heading up to the porch, she heard the phone ringing. She pulled out her keys and rushed to open the front door. She dropped her purse on the table by the door and ran over to the phone.

“Hi Jenny, you sound out of breath. I didn’t catch you at a bad time, did I?” It was Karen, her friend from bible study group.

“Oh, no, I just got home. I heard the phone ringing and tried to reach it before the answering machine picked up.”

“Do you have plans tonight?”

“Well, yes, Bill and I are going out for our anniversary tonight.”

“Congratulations! I thought that was next week. What is it four years now?”

“Yes, can you believe it?”

“That’s great Jenny. Bob and I have been married for fifteen years and I tell you it doesn’t seem that long ago when he asked me out on our first date.”

Jenny laughed.

“Well I won’t keep you long. I wanted to ask you a favor. Would you like to help me come up with some questions for the group?”

“Sure, I would love to help.” Jenny replied. “What do you need me to do?”

“I need to come up with questions for each chapter. I know Isaiah is a big book so I thought about splitting it up into sections. Would you care to take chapters 40 through 66?

“Sure.”

“Great!” Karen sounded relieved. “How about we get together, say Monday evening? Would that work for you?”

“I think so but I’ll need to let you know for sure on Sunday.”

“Thank you, I really appreciate your help on this. Well, I’ll let you go. Congratulations again and I’ll see you soon.”

They hung up. Jenny headed up the stairs to get dressed. She opened her closet doors. She wanted a nice dress for tonight’s dinner so she picked out her favorite red velvet dress and laid it on the bed and then went into the bathroom to take a shower.

Ten minutes later she stepped out of the shower. She pulled a thick towel off the counter and started drying herself off when she heard the doorbell ring. She ran over to the window that was facing over the driveway. It was a sheriff’s car. Great! Now what? She hoped it wasn’t another neighbor that had been robbed. A couple of weeks ago Mrs. Morgan came home and discovered that some of her jewelry had been stolen. They figured it was some kids just looking for some quick cash. She opened the window. “I’ll be right down.”

She grabbed a pair of blue jeans and a white shirt off the chair, slipped them on and then headed downstairs to answer the door.

Jenny opened the front door and a middle aged man stood at the end of her porch. “Yes, Can I help you?”

He walked over to her. “Are you Mrs. Bill Taylor?”

“Yes.” Jenny said slowly.

“Mrs. Taylor, I’m Deputy Martin from the Sheriff’s Department.” He paused. “I’m sorry to say your husband was in an auto accident and is at Mavis Memorial Hospital.”

Jenny’s heart sank. “Is he ok?”

“I’m sorry I don’t have any information as to his condition. If you like, I can take you to the hospital.”

Silence.

Please God, no.

“Mrs. Taylor.” He repeated, “Would you like me to take you to the hospital?”

“uh…yes.” She snatched her purse off the counter, and locked the door behind her. On the way to the hospital Jenny asked what had happened but he could only offer her a little bit of information as they were investigating it.

Oh, please God let him be ok. Please, please.

Jenny silently prayed the rest of the way to the hospital. When they arrived, she could feel God’s presence around her.

Deputy Martin pulled up to the Emergency entrance and Jenny got out. She entered the Emergency Room doors and ran up to the front desk. A nurse with red hair looked up from her computer screen. Jenny gave her name and asked about her husband. The nurse typed something into the computer. “If you will have a seat over by the window, I’ll page the doctor.”

A few minutes later a young looking man approached her. He introduced himself as Dr. Kimball. “Mrs. Taylor.” He held out his hand.

Jenny took his outstretched hand and shook it. “How’s Bill?” Her voice shaking with fear, she asked “Can I see him?”

“Why don’t we go in here?” He pointed to a small room off of the waiting room. He offered her a seat and then he took the seat opposite of her. “Mrs. Taylor, I’m sorry to have to tell you this, but we were unable to resuscitate your husband.”

A wave of fear swept through her entire body. “I don’t understand.”

“The injuries he sustained in the car accident were too severe.” He paused, taking her hand in his. “We did everything that was humanly possible to save him. I’m sorry. Is there someone we can call for you?”

Jenny started sobbing. No, please God! No!

Monday Afternoon, June 13th
Three days later the funeral was at Country Hillside Cemetery on the other side of town. Rick Cleary, their friend and minister from Valley View Christian Church performed the service.

Jenny looked down at her husband's coffin with tears streaming down her cheeks. She couldn't believe that he was gone, that she would never again see him, feel his arms wrapped around her holding her tight or to hear his voice say, 'I love you' again. How do I go on without you Bill, she asked silently? She prayed that it was a dream. That Bill really wasn’t gone but she knew in her heart that it was real.

She retrieved a tissue from her coat pocket and dabbed her eyes. Karen, her friend from church, put her arm around her giving her a gentle hug.

Jenny looked around at all of their friends and family who came to the funeral. Jenny knew everyone but one man, who stood in the back. He looked somehow familiar but she couldn't place him. Maybe he worked with Bill. Then she discarded the thought because she knew everyone that Bill worked with. Jenny realized that she was staring at him when he smiled at her. Feeling a little embarrassed she smiled back at him and then turned her attention back to Rev. Cleary.

After the funeral, everyone gathered at Jenny's house for dinner. She sat at the kitchen bar watching Karen stir the potato salad.

"How are you doing?" Karen asked.

Jenny tried to smile but failed. Her eyes filled with tears. She covered her face with her hands and started crying.

Karen walked out behind the counter and put her arms around Jenny. “Oh, hon, it’s going to be ok. I promise."

“I don’t know how I’m going to go on without him.” Jenny lifted her head from her hands. “I don’t want to be alone again.”

“Oh, Jenny. I’m here. You’re not alone.” Karen stroked Jenny’s head softly trying to calm her. “You have me and all your friends to help you get through this.” Karen put her hand under Jenny’s chin and lifted it up to meet her eyes. “You’re not alone in this.”

They hugged for a moment.

Karen pulled back from their hug, "Have the police figured out what happened yet?"

Jenny grabbed a towel off the counter and wiped her eyes. "They have their theories, but they're still investigating it. Deputy Martin told me that since no other car or any evidence of another car was involved that they believe that Bill somehow lost control and went over the edge.”

“I’m sorry.” The door opened. Marcia stood in the doorway holding a cup. “I didn’t mean to interrupt you.”

“No, no, you didn’t.” Jenny wiped her face again and then reached for the baked beans. “I guess we better get the food out there. “

After the last person had gone home and Jenny was left alone a sudden wave of panic ran through her body. The thought of being alone again terrified her. She closed her eyes, took a deep breath and wandered out into the living room. She stood gazing at the emptiness around her. It had been a long time since she'd been alone. The silence was frighteningly deafening. She choked back the tears and asked God, why, why is this happening? Are you punishing me for something?

She lingered down the hallway looking at the pictures on the wall. There was one of her and Bill on their honeymoon. He had taken her to Niagara Falls and that was the first time she knew that she really loved him. Her mind drifted back to when they first met. They met at Riley and Smith, where Jenny worked as a legal secretary and Bill worked as a private investigator. Sometimes, the law firm would hire private investigators from time to time to help with insurance claims. Bill was called in to investigate a wrongful death claim and he had asked Jenny to help him with some files. Later that week he called her and asked her out for dinner. And one date led to another. During their courtship, he had introduced Jesus into her life and for the first time she felt loved and secure.

She covered her eyes with her hands. “God, please send him back to me. Pleeease! I don’t want to be alone again.”

Tuesday, June 14th
It was after 10 O’clock in the morning when Jenny got out of bed. After her shower, she got dressed and gazed out her bedroom window that overlooked their back yard. Their home sat on a five acre wooded lot three miles from downtown. It was a Cape Cod style home with a detached two car garage. Bill had built it after they moved in. He claimed that she needed a place for her gardening tools but Jenny knew better. She knew that he wanted a place all his own, a place where he didn’t have to worry about keeping it clean.

The garden, she thought. It was still early enough to plant some vegetables.

She opened the door to the garage, pulled out her gardening tools and headed for the back yard. As she was walking the wind kicked up, feathering her long brown hair across her face. She pulled it back, tucking it behind her ears. As she walked, she felt the presence of someone watching her. She looked around but saw no one, she continued up to the garden. When she arrived she saw that the garden was a mess. Weeds were everywhere.

She slipped on her gloves and the wind kicked up again. This time it was stronger. It came from all directions, warm and comforting. It felt as though someone had wrapped their arms around her. She closed her eyes and listened. She heard the voices in the wind, like soft chatter.

After an hour or so she had most of the weeds pulled. She felt her stomach growl. She looked at her watch and it was after 2 O’clock. She wasn’t even close to being done. She decided to take short a break and get herself something to eat. She opened the refrigerator door to take out a tomato when she realized that she didn’t have any vegetable seeds to plant. She would have to run to the hardware store.

Jenny returned from the hardware store and noticed a car parked in the driveway. She tapped the door remote on the garage and opened the car door. Jenny turned to see Karen coming down the porch steps.

Karen walked up to the edge of the car and smiled. “Hi, I thought I’d missed you.”

“I ran over to the hardware store.”

Karen closed the distance between them and hugged Jenny. “How are you? Do you need anything?"

Jenny nodded. “No, I’m fine.”

“Bob’s out of town this week. Would you like to have dinner with me tonight? It would give us a chance to talk.”

Jenny hesitated for a moment. She knew Karen was only trying to help but she had no desire to talk about her feelings.

“I appreciate the offer but maybe some other time.”


She pulled out her sweatpants and t-shirt from the closet and slipped them on. Then head back out to the garage.

Jenny pulled out her gardening cart. Wheeled it over to the back of her SUV, popped open the hatch and transferred the fertilizer from the SUV to the cart. She grabbed a shovel and a rake from the wall and placed them on top of the fertilizer. She slipped on her gloves. With all her strength she forced the cart up the hill to the backyard.

She parked the cart just at the edge of the garden and pulled out a rake. She started at the far end of the garden and worked her way to the other side, mixing up the dirt. When she was satisfied that she had gotten all the weeds and grass out, she took out her small shovel, kneeled down and started digging small holes several inches apart. After she dug a few holes, she stood up to stretch her back. Her muscles begin to tighten. She knew that she wouldn’t be able to finish it today so she only planted the seeds for cucumbers. The rest would have to wait another day.

She pulled a bag of fertilizer off the cart and set it down on the ground, picked up a knife out and sliced it opened. Tears formed clouding her vision. Then anger surged through her body with such force that she picked up the bag and flung it with all her strength dumping all the contents out on the ground and on her. She fell to her knees sobbing. She pounded her fist into the ground crying, why God why. Why did you take him from me? I’m no good alone. You know that. I don’t want to be alone.

Jenny sat on the ground crying into her hands, rocking back and forth and when the tears wouldn't come anymore she stood up and went into the house. She pulled off her soiled clothes and slipped on a fresh pair of sweat pants. Her head was pounding; she grabbed a bottle of pain medication from the hallway bathroom and then poured herself a drink from the liquor cabinet in the living room. She devoured the drink and pills in one swallow.


That evening Jenny felt exhausted and her body ached so. She lay on the couch half listening to the news, mind wandering back to the day she met Bill. She closed her eyes and let out a long sigh. God, how am I going to get through this? I’ve been through so much in the past I don’t know if I have the strength to do this again. I don’t want to be alone again. Jenny sat up, her hands covering her face. Please God help me.

Feeling numb, Jenny turned off the TV and slid off the couch. She paused, staring at the small room off the living room that was Bill’s office. Tears formed in her eyes, she turned and headed up the stairs. She climbed into bed. For a long time, she lay there replaying scenes from her life. Slowly, exhaustion overtakes her and she sleeps.

Wednesday, June 15th
Jenny stood in a field of wild flowers. There was a slight breeze coming off the trees. She looked around but didn’t recognize her surroundings. It is beautiful and peaceful here, she thought. The morning sun peeked over the trees, removing the night shadows; the birds began to sing a beautiful song that reminded her of a hymn she learned in church. She joined in with them and sang and the birds gathered around her.

When the song was over a voice said, “You have a beautiful voice.

Jenny looked around but didn’t see anyone. “Who said that?”

“I did.” A voice said.

She turned to find a man standing a few feet away from her. “Who are you?” Fear rose within her. “How did I get here?”

“Don’t be afraid, Jenny.” He stepped closer to her.

“Where am I?” She asked again.

“You don’t recognize it?” He replied.

Jenny shook her head.

“It’s the field behind your childhood home.”

“Why am I here?”

The sound of ringing echoed through the trees.

The man looked up and said, “Listen carefully Jenny. Don’t give in to your fears and know that you are not alone. Remember what you have learned these passed five years about God.”

“Are you an Angel?”

He smiled, “Remember what I have told you.” Then he turned and walked away.

“Wait!” Jenny cried out. But before she could ask anymore questions the dream shattered.

Jenny woke to the sound of the phone ringing. She jumped up and reached for the phone, but before she could pick it up, the answering machine clicked on. It was Rick Cleary, the church minister. He was calling to see how she was doing and asked her if she needed a ride to tonight’s service. She sighed, and pulled the covers off of her. She didn’t feel like going to church tonight. She wasn’t ready to see people yet.

She looked at the clock on the nightstand. It was 8:30. She had slept ten hours straight. She climbed out of bed and shivered. She reached for her robe, and slipped it on as she headed into the kitchen for some coffee. She needed something to wake her up. She fished around in the cabinets for it and when she couldn’t find it she realized that she used the last of it the other day. She sighed, looking around for something else to take its place. She spotted the liquor cabinet and poured herself a drink. The warm liquid tingled down her throat, instantly warming her body.

She sat on the couch, trying to recall the dream but it was all a blur. Shaking her head in frustration, she poured herself another drink and then fixed herself something to eat.

After breakfast she sat down, opened up her bible and started reading, but she didn’t get too far before she put it down. She wasn’t in the mood to read and her muscles ached from yesterdays gardening. She should call Rev Cleary and tell him she won’t be at tonight’s bible meeting. She just wasn’t up to it yet. She got up and poured herself another drink from the liquor cabinet and stood in the kitchen looking out at the back yard. The garden. The house. How was she going to take care of all this on her own? The beginnings of anger surged through her veins like red hot peppers. She lingered out on to the deck. Grief threatened to sweep her away into a dark place she once knew a few years ago. She leaned against the railing, raised the glass up to her lips emptied the vodka in her mouth.

Two Weeks Later… Tuesday, June 28th
As the days passed by Jenny drank a little more each day trying to numb the pain she felt in her heart. She started making excuses for not going to church or her weekly bible study class and when they called she wouldn’t return their calls. There were days that she didn’t even get out of bed. The pain was just too hard to bear. She knew she was slipping away from God but didn’t know how to stop it. She found it hard to talk to others about her feelings. And when she did, they would always say it’s going to be ok or that they understood what she was going through, but how could they. They still had a husband.

Jenny reached for her glass only to find it empty. She slammed the glass down on the table in frustration. She forced herself out of the chair and over to the liquor cabinet only to find the bottle empty as well.

She dragged herself upstairs, changed out of her sweatpants and into a pair of jeans. She ran a brush through her hair, applied a little makeup to help cover the pain on her face. She picked up her keys off the counter and drove over to the liquor store a few miles down the road where she bought two bottles of vodka.

As Jenny exited the store a voice came from behind her. “Jenny”

Jenny turned to see Gina Thompson walking towards her. She was carrying her daughter.

“I thought that was your car." She stopped a few feet away from her. "We've missed you at bible study. It's just not the same without you."

Not wanting Gina to see, Jenny opened the car door and tossed the sack of vodka onto the front seat, "Sorry, I’ve been so busy."

Jenny turned in time to see Gina eyeing the front seat. A look of pain flashed across Gina’s face. "Jenny” She paused. “I know this has been hard on you losing Bill and all, “She reached out taking Jenny's hand, “and having..."

"I’m fine, really." Her voice wavered.

“Why don’t you come over for lunch? It would give us a chance to catch up.”

Jenny shook her head. “No thanks.”

"I could fix my tuna chicken salad you like so well.” Giving Jenny's hand a gentle squeeze, "We can talk about anything you want."

Jenny pulled her hand out of Gina's. "Some other time. I really need to get home. I’ll call you later, Ok.”

Gina’s eyes wandered to the front seat again. “Jenny please….That’s not the answer.”

To Jenny’s surprise, the sack had torn open, showing its contents. Fear and embarrassment shot through her. She hopped into her SUV. Gina jumped back just in time before Jenny closed the car door.

“I’ll call you,” Then she drove off.

She pulled into the garage and shut off the car. She sat there for a moment gathering her thoughts. She knew that Gina was only trying to help but she was getting tired of people giving her advice. No matter what they said it would never bring Bill back, never take away the hurt. Her hands gripped the steeling wheel, tightening with every thought. Anger surged through her like a tidal wave.

She punched the button on the garage door opener, and grabbed her purse and sack from the seat.

The scent of stale food lingered in the air. The place was a mess. Dishes stacked in the sink, the trashcan was full and had overflowed onto the floor.

Jenny dropped her purse and the vodka on the kitchen table. She searched around for a clean glass, when she couldn’t find one she reached in the sink and rinsed one out.

She pulled out a chair from the kitchen table, opened a bottle of vodka and poured it in the glass. She picked up the glass, her hand shaking as she raised it to her mouth. She stood up taking with her the glass and the bottle of vodka and wandered into the living room.

By that evening Jenny had consumed most of the vodka she had purchased that day. She leaned against the wall, tears streaming down her cheeks. God, please help me. I’m so scared. She slid down the wall by the liquor cabinet to the floor. She lifted the glass to her lips and swallowed the content then reached over and poured last of the vodka into her glass.

Fear held her tight. She knew she had to end this soon. She reached out for the bottle of sleeping pills, popped the lid off and dumped the pills out onto the table. She gathered up a few pills and dropped them in her mouth chasing them down with last of her vodka.

“Jenny.” His voice soft.

Jenny turned to see a young man standing in her living room. He was dressed all in white. He knelt down beside her, “Have you forgotten what I told you.”

“How did you get into my house?” She demanded. “Get out!” Tears streamed down her cheek.

“Jenny,” He softly touched her hair, caressing it. He pulled it away from her face, tucking it behind her ear. “God has sent me to give you a message.”

She laughed, “God?” She started to take another drink but the glass was empty. In anger she threw her glass across the room shattering it into little pieces “God doesn’t care about me. He left me.”

“No, Jenny, he has never left you.” He lifted her chin. “He loves you very much.”

“If he loves me so much then why did he take my husband from me?” Anger flared out of her mouth. “Why? Tell me that?”

“I do not know.” He replied. “But I do know that he loves you more than you could possibly imagine.” He paused. “Do you believe the bible is God’s word?”

When she didn’t answer he lifted her chin up and repeated “Jenny, do you believe the bible is God’s word?”

“Yes. I guess.”

He stood up, picked up her bible off the end table and sat down on the floor beside her. He opened it up to the book of Isaiah and handed her the bible.

She hesitated but took the bible. He pointed to 41:10.

Slowly she began to read:

‘Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you. I will help you. I will uphold you with my victorious right hand.’

As she read each word, tears of joy streamed down her face shattering all the fear and anger she had bottled up. She sat on the floor crying and reading it over and over and again letting the Lord’s words fill her heart, healing her.

After praying, she looked up to thank the man who was God’s messenger, but he was no longer sitting beside her. She got up and looked all around the house but he was nowhere to be found.

She sat down on the couch with her bible and read. As she sat there she felt the Lord’s arms wrapped around her and a sense of peace and calm filled her heart. She smiled. “I’m not alone”, she whispered, “I’m not alone.”