Writing

When I try to write it won't let me. It takes me to a place I don't want to be. I want to scream I want to yell I want to cry. I get so anxious I just want to get away. I get nervous I get exhausted, my adreneline is pumping and won't dare let me sleep. I wan't to be away though when I get there I know the thoughts won't stop. That's when I want to drink, drink until my mind is numb and all my thoughts can stop. Drink until I am no longer concious or can no longer care. I feel like I have to fix something, but there is nothing to fix. Nothing that I can physically fix. I must fix me. To fix me I must face me. I must face all my wrongs. Lord I have too many. If I face them I still can not fix them they are just there. So many things that have hurt me. So many pieces of me taken away. I can not be whole. I can not understand what it is I need to do. I feel like I need to write about my life as if it will be some kind of therapy and a way to let go. Let go of a past and a lifetime of pain. Though it won't let me. There is something I hav'nt dealt with. Or is it everything? I feel like I need to enter that world again and deal with something though I am afraid I will not come out of it. It is a downward spiral into the darkest part of a human. A place so empy it's not even human. I don't want to be empty. Not any more. I want to be the person my family needs me to be. Sometime somewhere though it will come up, I just hope it is on my terms!