Drinking the light away

I am sitting across from her in Aunt Kelly's living room, her temporary home. Every home of mom's is temporary. Maybe she thinks it will make this life temporary. Maybe I should tell her this is it. She's drinking the light away.

When I look at her, it is like looking at an old photo of a memory I forgot I had. It doesn't seem real that this is the woman I call mom. She is sitting indian style in the recliner, rocking back and forth while watching the Lifetime Women's channel movie of the week. She casually sips her beer. I don't know anyone who casually sips beer at twelve in the afternoon. I suppose they're out there, people like her, daughters like me. She thinks I hate her, despite the fact that I have never uttered anything but "I love you". I know she loves me, though she has stated the opposite more than once, and usually with the word bitch.

I don't know where to go with her. I don't know if I should go anywhere, considering the mommy I once knew is almost gone. Now she is just a reaction, mostly an over reaction. She is always feeling an emotion, there is always a problem, someone else always needs to change, the world is always against her. I wish I could change the world for her. I wish I could make it so alcoholics were healthy, and unemployed people were wealthy, and men depended on women, and sadness was happiness. Or maybe I could go back in time, to a time when she held me in her arms and I felt protected, to a time when she could make my tears go away, to a time when I looked into her face and thought ,"she is the best person in the world". When I thought "that's my mommy, that's my mommy".

I look at her from across the room. Alcohol has changed her. Her skin once olive and smooth, is now yellow and bloated. Her body once healthy now just looks unproportional. Her teeth once white, are now grey. She looks ten years older than she is. But the thing I miss, is the light that was once in her eyes, I don't even know how it disappeared.. It was just gone one day. I would give my life to bring it back. She used to be the most beautiful woman in the world. She was my hero and I don't think she ever knew it. Sometimes when she just wakes up ,before there is any beer in her system, I can kinda see her. I can hear it in her voice when she says "Hi baby". The light is almost there, it is dulled by bitterness and sadness, but it is there, just a flicker and then it's gone. Just enough to let me know how much I miss my mommy. Just enough to turn all the sadness into happiness for a second. On the next commercial break she'll pop open another beer. She's drinking the light away.