Three Little Words

She couldn't help but feel a semi-sadistic release of energy as she swept her foot over the top of an ant hill. Disconnected from the panic below her, she watched as the ants ran around in circles around their destroyed home.

Vaguely, she wondered what it would be like - to suddenly see the heel of an enormous Adidas coming down and destroying all she ever knew. At this point she wasn't all that sure she would mind. It seemed like everything in her world was already falling apart, even without the aid of a rubber-soled disaster.

Without even registering her movements, Olivia let her body fall. She collapsed haphazardly on the lawn. She took a long breath and focused her thoughts on the way the blades of grass poked the side of her face, and the way the recently cut fragments still held that juicy summer smell. She focused hard on the clear-cut imagery all around her, desperately trying to push away the problems that had been surrounding her all day.

But, like all things unwanted, they came bursting back at her full-force. Olivia couldn't help but let a tear gather in the corner of her eye. Why did she feel this way? What was wrong with her? Why was she slowly throwing away everything that was ever good to her?

Olivia sighed and sat up. She turned her face to the sun and gathered her knees in her arms. She rested her chin on the worn fabric of her favorite jeans. It wasn't like her to be so moody and depressed. And it certainly wasn't like to be so darn clingy - but she just couldn't help it. Lives around her were constantly in motion, but she felt so stagnant. Olivia felt like the earth where with every revolution the moon is slowly pulling further and further away. Except, unlike the earth, Olivia knew she could do something about it if she could just get her act together.

It's all in my mind, I know it is. Olivia closed her eyes. The past week had felt like an omen to her of things to come. He was constantly ignoring her, he was constantly too busy for her. She felt like the last thing on his list. What was worse, she felt like she wasn't even a necessity.

I'm a convenience. Olivia hadn't even noticed it, but she was crying. Desperately she wiped her eyes on her knees, darkening the denim. She struggled with the lump in her throat. The worst part about it all was that she knew he had no idea. She knew that he wasn't doing any of those things to her intentionally - that was really the truth. She was last on his list. And she knew deep down in her heart that she couldn't live with that.

Olivia recalled that day at school. It wasn't like they saw each other very often anyway, but during their one class she hadn't even talked to him. Olivia had stared stoicly at the computer screen, ignoring him in classic girl way. She was sending off dozens of "I'm ignoring you, not working hard" waves but to no avail. They had gone the whole day without exchanging a word, and since he was staying after in a class, she even had to walk out to the parking lot completely alone.

Olivia hated the feeling in her stomach she got when she was upset at him. But she hated even more the feeling from being upset at herself. She hated girls who played games. She hated girlfriends who wasted hours of happiness by being mad. She hated not being able to fix things with a snap of her finger.

Cracking a twig between her fingers she felt the guilt pile on her even more. She was mad, upset, and crying for nothing. He was just about the greatest boyfriend a girl could have, and she knew it. He was smart, funny, caring, and most of all, he was completely in love with her. Olivia had absolutely no doubt about that - he made it well known enough. She couldn't help but give the smallest of smiles when she recalled that just days earlier he had spontaneously grabbed her hand in the middle of class. And how he always would stop by her house when he knew she was sick with a great big bouquet of flowers and a box of kleenex. How he always knew how long they had been dating down to to very hour.

He always gave her a bite of his cookie. He loved to hug her as hard as he could, but always had to stop when she couldn't breathe anymore. He purposely didn't eat ketchup around her because she hated it so much. He took her to dances that he absolutely hated attending and even dressed to match. He loved picking her up for school because it meant they had 15 minutes just to themselves. He gave her a kiss at every stop sign. He would...

Olivia jumped to her feet and hopped in the car. With no purse, no make-up, or shout to her mom, she drove the short distance to his house. Parking alongside his car she jumped out and knocked on the door. She couldn't even wait for him to open the door for her, through the screen door she said the three little words she needed to say so much.

"Honey, I'm sorry."