when you no longer come home

goodbye lover
till death do us part
was not supposed to happen so soon
today nor yesterday
nor until I had the time to hold you in my arms
a thousand more times
no time to anticipate destiny's quirks
in the rapture of true love
your memories glimmer in the eyes of our friends
the reverberating voices of the church choir
those memories can never fade
opening the door to our bedroom
some trick of the forever-dimmed light
I expect the illumination of your smiling face
not just my mind's ghost,
not just my desire to be with you again
not just the darkness till death do us part
a thousand times I have cried
in two days, in two weeks
instead of sharing a thousand kisses bearing your love
two lifetimes have lingered in the eternity
between the hours that have separated me
from the moment they said he's gone
the oceans and lakes I have filled with my grief
though they will bear new life,
green moss and green lichen
on beach rocks you collected
on driftwood we selected for the mantlepiece
though I move now as if old and graying
without the joy you have taken with you selfishly
how can death not part us
when everything I see brings me back
to your absence in a life where everything
is still you, forever you
brings me back to our empty bed
the sofa has become your surrogate arms
your armchair the new place for the cat
as if he too wonders will the change be permanent
till death do us part
till your dreams become mine
till I learn to fulfill them, following in your steps
how do I learn to enter a room
and not expect you to call my name
how do I forget the sweetness of your voice
laughing at my surprise finding you there
how can I never take you in my arms once again
to whisper how much I love you
goodbye lover, hello again lover, please
come quickly and haunt my waking hours
for you have already conquered my sleeping dreams
till death do us part
please come and find me again
so that I don't follow your shadow
in the lonely despair of agony,
till death do rejoin us



when you no longer come home
12 january, 2006