Sailing

SAILING

Here is what I want you to do. Put me on your boat, that little red one with the white sails. Take me to the middle of the lake and let's stay there for a while.

Never mind the cyclists looking out over the water, the runners, dog walkers, day people. And never mind time, never mind groceries to buy, laundry to do, homes to clean. Give me your time. Sit with me on the bottom of your sailboat. Drink the coffee I give you, it was made with love even though it is too strong.

Now tell me that I will be alright. Tell me I will feel better soon. Tell me I will find love, even if you don’t feel it. Give me proof. Give me a timeline. Give me the knowledge that I won’t have to wait 30 more years.

I don’t know if I believe in the God people speak of, even though he has my respect. People I care about believe. And they say he has a plan, even for me. They say he will not give me more to carry than I can handle. Some days I feel like I will break. They are wrong, I can’t carry all this. I am weak, He overestimated me. Some days I know that I have been here before. At the point of collapse. And I am still alive and standing on two feet.

So tell me you know for sure and hide me for a while. So I don’t have to speak, so I don’t have to act, so I don’t have to plan to fill the big black void people call the future. Make me believe you. If anyone can, it's you. No one else has succeeded. It's going to have to be you. Your dark eyes will convince me. Hold me for one minute and make me believe your words. Make me believe that 30 years ‘alone’ will result in ‘together’.

I want to stop feeling wronged, robbed, betrayed and lied to. I know not everybody gets to give life. I know not everybody gets to feel a baby in their arms. I know not everybody gets to feel loved and safe with some one.

But make me believe that I will.