Divided

“What the? Who are you?”

“I’m your conscience!”

“I don’t have one.”

“True.”

“So then, who or what are you?”

“Um… I’m you.”

“Well I can see that. But… where did you come from? Why are you here?”

“Why are any of us here?”

“Oooooo. Are you like my philosophical side or something?”

“That’s sweet you think you’re intelligent enough to have a philosophical side! You couldn’t philosophize your way out of a paper bag!”

“What does that even mean?”

“I don’t know. It just sounded funny, so I said it.”

“Well it wasn’t very nice.”

“News flash, you’re not a nice person!”

“I am too!”

“Oh yeah? Prove it. What was the last thing you did?”

“Uh… well… there was that time…”

“You got paid.”

“Oh. Then how about…”

“You did that just so you could get a free meal.”

“Oh! Well there was that…”

“You made fun of them the whole time, got drunk, and stripped.”

“Oh. So I really am a bad person?”

“Hello! That’s what I’ve been telling you this whole time!”

“Is that why you’re here? To let me know I’m a bad person?”

“I didn’t think I had to let you know. I mean, it’s pretty obvious. Just look at you! You have no soul, barely any friends, and thrive off of making people feel bad. You are quite a sad person.”

“Well when you say it like…”

“Cheer up! You’re my idol!”

“Wh… what?”

“You heard me. You’re my idol! You’re so cool! You’re hilarious, sarcastic, funny, and downright awesome. I mean, who else can come up with such mean comebacks and insults? You’re like… a king at it. How do you do it? It’s magic or something! Teach me, please?”

“Teach you? Why would… why would I have to teach you? You’re me!”

“Oh, right. I guess you have a point there.”

“Have you been drinking again?”

“Slightly. I think the bottle found me, though. I wasn’t planning to drink. It’s stalking me.”

“Right.”

“Anyways, it was nice talking to you, but there’s a case of Mike’s Hard Lemonade with my name on it…”

“You mean my name?”

“We can share it.”

“Here’s to us!”

“That sounded gay. But you’re a pretty good looking guy. Just maybe…”

“No thanks. I’ll pass. Then here’s to being mean!”

“Much better!”




Written for:

ID: 941862   (Rated: 18+) The Dialogue 500: IT'S BACK, BABY!  Stories 500 words or less, written only in dialogue. New prompt for May 2012! by ~j