meditation on a boulder

dim, almost darkness
not less sunlight, trees blocking it
gnarled trunks, decrepit vines swaying
everything covered in moss
birdcall beckoning
this direction, no that
soft crunch underfoot
decaying leaves
seeds for the next generation
to arise

I have chosen a boulder
massive and protective
for celebrating my meditation
         who is the person hidden in my soul?
                   will my spirit find a reason for my presence here?
                             will my path leave an impression on eternity?
                                       who will notice if I disappear one day?
                                                 will I be mourned when I die?
                                       will my children remember the father I tried to be?
                             how can I continue losing my way in a life?
                   is everything really so meticulously planned?
         was it destiny playing games with fate?
yes, losing my way, or finding it sometime
nothing can appease
the wound my worries inflict upon my soul…
unanswerable existential preoccupations

returning to myself, to the activity called life
is a succulent difficulty I drink without thirst
I adore this forest, leaving is like mourning
and though all the trees resemble each other
my boy scout years of leaving an M&M's trail
forgotten, disappeared
and the happy squirrels and field mice
innocently hoarding my offering
would erase my path home…
but no trail is traced thus
I have forgotten the cardinal points

in a clearing daylight reappears
like some reassurance that existence may not
be as vague as I had once dreamed
but I am still lead astray
forever floundering, searching the exit
a caged animal in the forest of my life




         meditation on a boulder
         14 april, 2006