The Climbers

"Listen, Bob. I'm fine, really I am."
"Nonsense, you've taken quite a fall. Let me help you."
"Putting your hand in my crotch isn't helpful. How many times do I have to tell you...I'm not like that. I'm a good Christian."
"I just want to make you feel better until help arrives. It's cold. How else can I keep you warm?"
"You're a sick man. You're going to Hell."

"Stop it, you two," Ralph stood to the side watching, irritation showing on his face. "Bob, get your hand out of there and let him be. We have to get off this mountain, this is no time for your bullshit."

The three men had been climbing since noon the day before and had nearly made it to the top of the mountain when disaster struck. Clyde had slipped, falling and possibly breaking his leg. Lying in the snow, his leg throbbing with pain, Clyde felt really bad about slowing them all down.

Bob sighed. "Alright, alright. Sorry. We do have to find a way to keep him warm. Try the radio again, Ralph. See if someone's on the way."

Ralph took the radio from his pack and spoke into it. "Hello, anyone there?"
"We have someone heading your way now," a ranger responded. "Don't worry."

The three men waited in silence. It was beginning to get dark and it was quite cold. Clyde shivered. The wet snow had seeped through his clothes and he was chilled through to the bone.

"I read once that the best way to stay warm is to remove your clothes and get as close to each other as possible to conserve body heat," Bob said, hopefully.
"Shut up, Bob," Clyde snapped. "They'll be here soon."
"Well, it's true. I read it in Reader's Digest, so it has to be true."
"I don't care. I'd rather freeze to death then get naked with you," Clyde replied, nastily.

The sun went down and still no rescuers. Ralph tried the radio, but this time there was no response.
Clyde's lips were turning a dangerous shade of blue and he was no longer complaining about the cold. Bob wanted to say something, but thought better of it.

Ralph frowned. What was going on? They weren't that far from the nearest ranger station. Someone should have been here by now.

He tried the radio one last time, but realized that the battery had gone dead. "Shit. We have to get him off this mountain ourselves, Bob."
"How?"
"We'll just have to pull him down the mountain."

Ralph grabbed the collar of Clyde's coat and Bob gently held his legs. Slowly they pulled him down the mountain as if he were a sled. Clyde moaned in pain, but didn't protest. He knew he would die if they didn't get to somewhere warm, soon.

It took them about four hours, but they finally reached the ranger station. It was dark, and strangely quiet. The door was locked.

"What the hell is going on here?" Ralph asked. "This is very odd."
"We'll have to break the door down," Bob replied. "We have to get him inside."

The two men searched around until they found a pile of firewood. Picking up one of the bigger logs, they used it to ram the door. On the third try it broke and flew open. They quickly carried Clyde inside and got a fire going in the fireplace. The radio on the desk was on, but silent.

"Hello, anyone out there?" Ralph radioed. No answer.
"What could have happened to them?" Bob felt extremely nervous. Something just did not seem right.
"I don't know, Bob," Ralph snapped. "Hello? Anyone out there?" The radio remained silent.

A knock at the door startled them. Bob went to open it.

A tall, red-haired man with cold blue eyes and a scar on his chin was standing there dressed in a long, black trenchcoat.

"Can I help you?" Bob stammered.
"Is there an injured man here?" the man replied.
"Yes, are you a doctor?" Bob asked, hopefully.
"Er, yes. That's right. I'm a doctor."
"Come in, come in!"

The man entered the small station and walked over to Clyde who was lying by the fireplace.
"Hello, Clyde," the man said, softly.
"How do you know my name?" Clyde looked the man over, suspiciously.

"It's time, Clyde. You must come with me now."
"I can't go anywhere, my leg is broken," Clyde whined.
"Makes no difference. You are to come with me. Now."

The man pulled Clyde to his feet. Clyde winced, expecting pain. Startled, he realized he felt no pain.
"What's going on?" he asked, frightened.
"No time for talk. We must go now."

"Wait, where are you taking him?" Bob demanded, angrily.
"I'm not here for you. Yours will be here soon."
With that cryptic remark, the man led Clyde out into the snow where they quickly disappeared from view.

"I don't understand," Bob cried. "What is this?"
"I don't know," Ralph replied. "I'm scared, Bob."

The two men sat by the fire, neither knowing what to say. The silence wore on for nearly twenty minutes when there was another knock on the door.
"Don't answer it," Bob whispered. "Maybe they'll go away."
"What if it's the ranger?" Ralph responded, getting up and opening the door.

A short, chubby brunette was standing there. She had beautiful green eyes and a pale complexion. She was quite pretty.

"Hello, Ralph," the lady smiled. "Are you ready?"
"Ready for what, ma'am?"
"For the next step, of course. Why else would I be here?" she had a cheerful, friendly voice.
"I'm sorry, I don't know what's going on. Some strange, dangerous looking man came and took our friend and now you're here to take me. I'm confused!"

"Oh, I see. You don't know! I'm so sorry, I forget sometimes what it's like to be human. So limited."
"You're not human?" Ralph backed up, nervously.
"No, silly, I'm your guardian angel. I'm here to lead you to heaven."
"But, who was that guy who took Clyde?"
"Oh, Clyde wasn't going to heaven, dear. Sephirious only comes for those who are going to hell."
"What?? Clyde was a good man!"
"Oh, he put on a good act. But, you see, we know everything dear. He killed three women last year."
"Clyde?"
"Yes, I'm sorry to tell you like this. Come now, we must go."

Ralph tentatively stepped through the door and then Bob was all alone in the shack.

"I can't be dead too, can I?" Bob spoke aloud. "Where am I going to go?" He felt suddenly afraid. What if the Bible was right? He was gay, would he be going to hell? He had always tried to be good and decent. He sat by the fire, trying not to think about it.

Finally, there was a knock at the door.

Resigned to his fate, Bob opened it. A strange creature stood in the doorway. It looked like a cross between a horse and a bear.

"What are you?" Bob gasped.
"I'm Luridious. I'm here to take you to heaven."
"But, why didn't the lady take me with Ralph?" Bob asked, confused.
"Oh my. You believed her?" the creature chuckled. "She was no angel, Bob. She's a very devious spirit. She is from the netherworld."
"But, she told us she was taking Ralph to heaven, and that the other guy took Clyde to hell."
"She lies. Clyde didn't kill anyone, Bob. He was taken to purgatory. He's a Catholic, after all."
"But, why is Ralph going to hell?"
"Ralph is a religious fanatic. He has been judging people for years. Telling them they're going to hell for various reasons. Thinking he's better than everyone else. We have a special hell for those types."

"But, I'm gay. Why am I going to heaven?"
"You're a good man. You've never deliberately hurt anyone. You don't pretend to be what you're not. You're kind-heared and generous. That's all that really matters. You know how to love."

Bob smiled and took the creature's hand.
"Let's go!"