Chapter 13 --- Hard Lessons

HARD LESSONS

         Jesse was working on range fences that day. He had asked Lillian to send Joey out to him when he came home from school. Joey came running down the line to meet him. "Hey," said Jess. "Want to give me a hand here?"

         Joey said, "The Hollisters got a TV."

         "Good for them."

         "When are we getting one?"

         "When I can afford it. Please hand me the pliers, no not those, the little pair. Thanks."

         "Pretty soon we'll be the only ones that don't have one."

         "Anything wrong with that?"

         Joey thought there was.

         "Please hand me the box of staples." Joey rummaged in the tool box and brought them out. Jess sat on the ground to load the stapler.

         Joey said, "Everybody's going over to Dirk's tomorrow after school to watch television."

         "Not quite everybody. You're not." He got to his feet. "Come over here and hold this wire, okay?"

         "Jess ~~ "

         "You know the rules. Linda and Rowan both work and there's nobody home there in the afternoon and you do not go to somebody's house when there's no grownups home."

         "They're not going to get into any trouble."

         Jess stapled wire. "No."

         "We're just going to watch television."

         "No."

         Joey said, "Is no the only word you know?"

         "No, Joey, I know a lot of words. Want to hear them? Here hold this for me."

         "You don't trust me."

         "We aren't having a discussion about this."

         "How are you going to know you can trust me if you don't give me a chance to prove it?"

         Jess pulled out his handkerchief and wiped the sweat off his glasses. There were times when this boy really pushed it. He began gathering up his tools and putting them in the box. Joey wasn't finished of course. He knew he had no case but he wasn't giving up just yet.

         "I'm always the only one not allowed."

         Jesse had said all he was going to say about it and he was not about to get into an argument with Joey. "I dropped the pliers over there, would you get them for me? Thank you."

         "I'll be home by supper time."

         "No. Please get me my shirt; it's hanging on the fence over there. Thank you."

         "Bret and Davy and all of them's going."

         Jesse was putting on his shirt. "No."

{indent{"Why not?"

         "Because I'm mean and I like to make you suffer. Here carry the stapler."

         "Sometimes you act like it."

         "Sometimes I feel like it. Joey, do I ever change my mind about something just because you keep on about it?"

         "No."

         "Then give it a rest, okay?"

         "If everybody else is allowed ~~ "

         "The boys can all come here and welcome but you aren't going over there when there's no supervision."

         Joey was following him up to the house. "I'm not a little kid."

         "No, you're getting to be a big kid and those are the worst kind. Now look, Joey, there is no point in you talking about it any more. I'm tired, hungry and I have a toothache. It would just be better all around to drop the subject."

         Joey knew just how far he dared push Jess and he decided he was almost there. So he said, "They don't want to come here because we don't have television." Jesse rolled his eyes skyward and kept walking. He deliberately lengthened his stride so Joey would have to run to keep up.

         He put his tools away and locked the shed. Joey started to say more and Jess warned, "Drop it."

         Joey dropped it, but he wasn't pleased.

         They went into the house. Jess sat down to change his shoes.

         The kitchen smelled of supper and he was ravenous. He told Joey "Get upstairs and wash up."

         He looked at Lillian and shook his head.

         "Is Joey making you crazy again?"

         "Yeah. He wants to go over to Hollister's place to watch TV tomorrow. He knows he can't go but he has to keep at it, you know? Mom, I don't like it that they leave Dirk on his own after school like this. I know it's none of my business but I know I couldn't leave Joey alone like that. You get a bunch of kids together, even good kids and nobody around to see what they're doing and one thing leads to another ~~"

         "I agree with you. You haven't got to convince me."

         "Joey doesn't agree."

         "He doesn't get a vote."

         "Do I have time to get a shower before supper?"

         "Just about."

         He went up the stairs.

         Joey came into the kitchen. She asked him, "Are your hands clean? Let me see. Help me set the table."

         "Jess doesn't trust me," he grumbled.

         "Don't start."

         "I don't see why we can't have a television. Other people have them."

         She got down plates and placed them on the table. "Put on the silverware."

         He opened the drawer. He got out the napkins and put them beside the plates then began getting out forks and knives.

         "I do more chores than anybody."

         "You poor thing. Tell me all about it; how hard we make you work."

         He was getting nowhere with his grandmother either. It was like a stone wall sometimes, he thought. Even so, at the grand old age of eight he was beginning to catch on that the stone wall was there for his own good. He just didn't always like it.

         Everything was ready on the table when Jesse came downstairs. Joey was still peevish during supper. Jesse told him to do his homework and went to his desk to do paper work.

         Joey said "If everybody but me is allowed to go over to Dirk's in the afternoon, who can I play with?"

         Jess turned and gave him a look. Joey knew that look. He went and got his bookbag.

         He tried a new tactic. "Jess, don't you want me to have friends?"

         Jesse set his teeth and went on writing in the ledger.

         Joey ratcheted it up. "I want to have friends. I want to do things with the other guys and you're always stopping me. All the other guys are allowed."

         Jesse said, "If all the other guys were allowed to go jump in the quarry would you want to go do that, too?" Then he thought, I can't believe I said that!

         Joey said, "We were starting a club. Now I can't be in it because you have baby rules for me."

         "They can come here; there is always supervision here. Now in case you didn't know it; the subject is closed. Is your homework done?"

         "Yes, almost."

         "Then finish it and I'll check it. Now kindly be quiet because I'm trying to concentrate here."

         Joey muttered something and Jesse looked up. "What did you say?"

         "Nothing."

         "That didn't sound like nothing. You're on thin ice, mister!"

         Joey went back to his books.

         When Joey got home the next day Jesse wasn't there. He went inside and asked Lillian where he was.

         "Dentist appointment," she said.

         "What for?"

         "An impacted wisdom tooth. This is going to hurt and you do not want to get on his nerves when he gets home, you understand?"

         "What's impacted mean?"

         "It means the tooth doesn't have room to grow in right and it's growing in crooked and it has to be cut out."

         Joey winced. "I didn't know grownups still got more teeth."

         "Well they do. There’s four more big ones that come in when you get to be around Jesse's age and a lot of the time they cause trouble. The dentist is going to have to cut this one out and he’s going to be hurting and you had better not mess with him tonight. You get it, Joey?"

         Joey got it. Jesse with a sore mouth was not the person you wanted to tangle with.

         Joey changed out of his school clothes and went outside.

         He was feeling sorry for himself with nothing to do. But if he complained to Lillian that he had nothing to do she would give him a chore; so he didn't complain.

         He was sitting on the porch steps watching an anthill when he heard a bike coming up the driveway.

         He was surprised to see Dirk Hollister; he had thought the boys were all over at his place having a club meeting and watching TV. Joey got up and went to meet him.

         Dirk said "Hey," and Joey acknowledged offhandedly.

         "I thought there was a club meeting today."

         “Davy wasn't allowed and Bret had visitation with his old man. Where’s Jess?"

         "He had to go to the dentist. He'll be back in a while."

         "C'mere, I got something to show you."

         He pulled something out of the bag hanging on his bike and held it out.

         "Is that real?"

         Dirk said, "Sure it's real." Joey was looking at a pistol in a leather holster.

         "Where'd you get it?"

         "It's my dad's."

         "Does he know you have it?"

         "No, don't tell anybody."

         Joey said, "You should put it back where you got it from and leave it alone." Jess had a shotgun and a rifle. They were locked up and Jess carried the keys with him. What the eight-year-old knew about guns so far was not to touch them.

         "Is it loaded?" Joey asked.

         "Sure it's loaded! What good is an unloaded gun?"

         Joey asked, "What are you going to do with it?"

         "I'm going up by the tracks and try it out. I'd ask you to come along but I guess your uncle wouldn't let you. He thinks you're a girl."

         "He does not! You better put the gun back where you got it from."

         Dirk began making chicken noises at him. At that point a car came in the driveway. It was Miss Nyla driving Jess home from his appointment. Dirk hurriedly hid the gun in his bag and was fastening the straps. “If you tell you're out of the club," he warned.

         If Jesse had been at his best he would have picked up on Joey's expression. But he was still a little woozy from the gas and beginning to be in considerable pain so he missed what he should have seen. Nyla walked into the house with him. By the time she came out and drove away, Dirk had left.

         Now Joey was in a dilemma. If I tell Jesse, he'll tell Dirk’s father. Then I'll be out of the club, because nobody likes a snitch, and I won't have any friends. On the other hand Jesse says there are times when to tattle and when not to. If someone is in danger you tell. So if Dirk has a real pistol and it's really loaded he's was in danger. But maybe it's not loaded; Dirk brags a lot and half the time he's lying.

         It was a lot for an eight-year-old to sort out, and by the way Jess looked when he went up the steps he wasn’t going to be any help with it. He tell Lillian of course, she’d know what to do. She’d do what Jess would do, which was get in touch with Dirk’s parents right away. He decided it was none of his business anyway.

         When he went inside he was told to be quiet because Jess had taken medicine for pain and should not be disturbed.
~~~~~~~

         The next afternoon Jesse answered the phone. After a short conversation with Treacher he hung up and turned to Lillian and said, "The Hollister boy's been shot."

         "Shot! Who shot him?"

         "There were three kids there, the Palmer boy, and Joey's friend Bret, and Dirk. I guess they were playing with a gun. Any one of them could have been the one hit. Joey wanted to be there!"

         "Where would they get a gun?"

         "I guess from the Hollister's house."

         "How bad is he hurt?"

         "He's dead. An eight-year-old boy is shot dead! Who leaves a loaded gun where children can get at it? This boy is Joey's age! I have to tell Joey about this before anybody else does. They were friends. Tell me how to explain it to him!"

         "I don't know; I guess you just do what you always do; tell him the truth, and then try to answer his questions about it."

         Jesse looked at his watch. "I have to go get him at the church in a little while. I'll tell him on the way home."

         Jesse pulled into the church parking lot a little later just as the children were coming out from choir practice. Joey came over to the car and got in. Jess was relieved to see by his manner that nobody had told him yet. "Seat belt," he said.

         Joey put it on. Jess waited his turn to exit the parking lot and head home.

         Going north on the Old Carthage road Jess began, "I have to tell you something. Something bad happened."

         In a small voice Joey asked, "What?"

          “Dirk Hollister shot himself."

         Joey gasped and glancing at him Jess saw that he had gone white under his tan.

         After a moment Joey asked, "Is he hurt bad?"

         "Very bad. He's dead."

         Joey knew very little about death. He had seen a dead animal on the road. He remembered when Mr. Cole died. But Mr. Cole was old. He had never even thought of death in connection with a person his own age.

         Jess asked, "Are you okay?"

         Joey had questions but he didn't ask anything right then. He sat with his hands over his face.

         Jess took him up to his room. There was no point in telling him not to cry; there was going to be a lot of crying in Carthage for a few days. Jess held him, not only because Joey was in need of comforting but because right then he had a great need to hold his own boy, warm and living. A lot of the children in Carthage would be held and loved tonight, he thought, even ones not nearly as used to it as Joey was.

         Finally he said, "Joey come on. We all feel terrible but ~~ "

         Joey looked up at him his face wet with tears. "You don't understand, Jess. It's my fault!"

         "Joey, no! How could it be your fault?"

         Joey's voice was muffled because his face was pressed against Jess's shirt. "I knew he had the gun and I didn't tell you!"

         "Why didn't you tell me?"

         "Because if I did you'd take it away from him and tell his father."

         "How did you know he had it?"

         "He showed it to me. Remember he was there talking to me when you got home yesterday?"

         "Joey listen to me! It's his parents' fault for leaving him alone so much; it's his parents' fault for having a gun in the house that wasn't locked up. Maybe it's even my fault because when I knew there was a kid unsupervised I didn't do anything about it. By the time you divide the blame around to all the big people who deserve a share, there's not much left over for a little kid like you."

         "You told me to tell if there was danger. I didn't know if the gun was real or not, but he said it was. So there was danger."

         "Do you want to tell me why you didn't say anything?"

         "It's stupid now," Joey said.

         Joey wiped his face on Jess's shirt and said, "I told you there's a club and one of the rules is not telling."

         He expected Jess not to understand that, but he did. "I'm not the enemy, Joey. I have to make rules you don't like but I'm on your side. You can tell me what's happening and I can tell you if it's a stupid tattle or if it's something important. You can tell me about anything, don't you know that by now?"

         "I used to tell you everything when I was little."

         The child in his arms was not very big now. Jess didn't want to dwell on what he should have done. He knew that all too well.

         "I could have kept it from happening," Joey said.

         "His parents could have kept it from happening. Any of the grownups around here that knew children were unsupervised in that house after school could have kept it from happening and that includes me," Jesse told him. This was an irremediable tragedy with much guilt and blame everywhere and it angered him to think that this child was having to share any of it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

         The following evening he took Joey to the wake. Still in the car he told Joey he didn't have to go inside unless he wanted to. Joey decided he wanted to.

         Some of the men were standing around on the porch smoking. Jesse greeted his neighbors and led Joey inside.

         There were a lot of flowers and in the middle of all the flowers was a small white casket. Jesse thought, Caskets shouldn’t even have to come in that size! There was a cushion there for kneeling and Jesse knelt to bring himself closer to Joey. It wasn't that Dirk looked any different. He looked exactly the same, as if he had somehow fallen asleep while he was dressed up for Sunday school. Like he would wake up in a minute and be okay. But some things would never be okay again.

         Jesse took Joey over where Rowan and Linda were sitting and said the obligatory words. He took Joey back outside.

         For Joey nothing could softened the truth that he could have prevented it from happening. That was a guilt he would live with for a long time.