Writer vs. The Others

         The following is a writing journal entry and was the result of a prompt a very close friend gave to me - Have a conversation between yourself and your "writing" self. It was meant to confront the fears we have about writing, to see what the writer inside is thinking and to discover what would surface from the self about the obstacles and possible doubts that we have about our writing. For me, it was mainly just about getting something down in black and white ...

04.17.06

Writer vs. Woman, Wife, Mother, Manager, etc.

WRITER: I am a writer. I can’t help that. I know that your time is valuable. I know that you have more to do than you have hours in the day and I know that even in the rare instances when you get everything done for the moment you want to sit down, veg-out on the couch and just watch some mindless TV. I know. I know all of this. But I need your attention once in a while too. I need you to allow me some time because you need me. I know you do. Think about how you used to feel after just writing about nothing for an hour. Think about reading the first draft of a short story you’ve been working on for weeks and the elation that comes pouring out because you know that you’ve just begun. You know that there are drafts upon drafts to be picked apart, but you’ve finally got the raw material down on paper. The essence is there and now you get to polish it and make it even more beautiful. What else makes you feel …

WIFE: You’re right. I know you’re right. But even as I’m typing this - at this very moment - my husband is talking to me about how he doesn’t want to go to work tomorrow. Now this is not a news flash and really doesn’t need to be said at 10:18 p.m. He says it every night. So while I’m trying to write this very conversation with you I have to deal with him. And he’s a grownup and he needs my attention right this minute even though he sees I’m doing something else. Don’t you get it? I don’t have a lot of time on my own. My mere presence in this house signals open season on my time. There is no such thing as “me time,” - not when I’m here and he’s here and they’re here. I wish it were different, but it isn’t. And don’t suggest a café or library … I can’t get out of the house alone either! I mean, it’s physically possible. I could if I really tried, but the problem is that it’s not convenient. I have to make sure my husband is here so that I can leave the boys. I can only do it when he’s done the things he needs to do for the evening like go to the gym. That all takes time and it could be weeks in between if I wait for those times.

WRITER: I know it’s hard. Lots of things are hard. Raising your children is very, very hard, but you get up everyday and you do it anyway, don’t you? You do it because you don’t have a choice. Well, I think it’s time you start treating your writing the same way. You have to do it because you don’t have a choice. How do you expect to get any better if you don’t practice? How do you expect to write the novel you’ve been dreaming about writing for the last 15 years if you don’t put in the time? Huh? Come on now. Writing is important. It’s what you do, it’s part of who you are. You have to make the time.

WOMAN: I know I do. I want to. Really I do. But how? I mean, I have to make the time for a lot of things. For example, I’ve been saying for more than six months that I need to get in shape. I’ve had all kinds of ideas about joining a gym or aerobics class, getting my sister to workout with me, jumping rope, taking walks and (my latest idea) riding a bike. Have I done any of it? No. Not even tried. And yet I know I need to. I feel not only fat, but my chest feels as if it has a five-pound weight sitting on top of it. I get out of breath almost instantly if I try to run around with the boys and when I do run it’s just HARD! It’s such an effort to try and stay ahead of a three-year-old!!! Who knows. I could be a perfect candidate for a heart attack tomorrow with my lack of activity and horrible eating habits. I know all of this and yet I still can’t seem to muster the motivation and perseverance I need. It’s the same thing with my writing. I want to do it. I have these great ideas all of the time and sometimes I even write them down. But that’s where they stay. In short scribbles in a notebook, undeveloped and lonely. And there are some great ideas in there, but I just don’t know how to get started. When I have started recently it’s just been HARD! I haven’t got any flow. I haven’t been able to see where anything is going. I can’t find the quiet I need to get going for more than a few keystrokes at a time. Right now, the boys are sleeping next to me (in my bed) and this is the first time that I’ve been able to just type and type and type without interruption probably since the boys were born. And the words are coming. They’re coming consistently and without hesitation. I’m just typing and I love to type! Maybe there’s hope. Maybe I haven’t lost my mojo!!

WRITER: See. I told you. You just have to get started. You just need some quiet. You just need to let your mind wander and flow and the words will just spill out like they used to. But you need time without distraction and I know that’s hard to come by. But look at yourself right now … it’s possible. And so are all of your writing dreams. But nothing will happen without your effort. Nothing will get onto the page unless you type it and you give your writing the attention you give your children and the laundry.

MOTHER: That’s another thing. Laundry. Do you know how much laundry I do? Do you have any idea? I do a minimum of a load a day (more like two) and if I don’t it becomes this mountain of blues, reds, whites, tans - you name it - and it grows exponentially with every day that passes without a laundry being done. I don’t think I’ve ever gone more than one day without doing laundry unless we’re away somewhere. And don’t get me started about the laundry I have to do after a trip. It appears endless when you dump it out of the suitcases. Now, don’t get me wrong. Laundry itself is not time consuming. But add to it my working, coming home and starting a laundry, picking up dirty clothes from around the house from when the boys were changed from their pajamas, putting cups and plates in the sink that were left out from lunch, sweeping up the crumbs left on the floor from lunch, vacuuming, switching the clothes over from the washing machine to the dryer, straightening the kids’ rooms, putting their clothes away from the previous day’s laundry, grabbing a quick bite to eat because I didn’t eat at work, playing with the boys for a bit, popping in a video so that I can do dishes while the boys watch a movie, throwing another load of laundry into the washing machine … it’s not impossible, but does take some time. Domestic goddess I am not. I don’t cook big homemade meals, I don’t iron or sew, but I do the necessary things to keep this house running and ensure that my family is taken care of when they’re here. And at the end of the day I often just want to sit on my ass and do nothing. I admit it. And sometimes I want to write to, but it just isn’t there because I’m tired or distracted or uninspired or whatever. And so yes, it’s hard and maybe it’s too hard for me.

WRITER: Now wait a minute. You can’t be serious. You’ve been typing now for half an hour. You can’t really believe that this isn’t for you. Of course it’s for you. You enjoy it. You’re good at it. And it’s time you actually did something with it! The reporting thing was good - it got you published after all. But it wasn’t your passion. It’s time to pursue your passion. But just because it’s your passion doesn’t mean that you’re always going to enjoy it. Remember the Moveable Feast? Weren’t there mornings when Hemingway just wrote? When he admittedly wrote pure garbage? But he wrote it anyway because he made the commitment to write everyday no matter what. That’s what you need to do. Make the commitment. YOU MUST WRITE EVERYDAY even if it’s a typing exercise. There can be no excuses. If you have to stay up late. If you have to get up early. If you have to put another movie in for the boys just to get 20 minutes to yourself it’s what you have to do. And before you say it, it’s not selfish. You have a right to pursue your passion and your family will not suffer just because you take some time out of every day to write. They get along fine without you while you’re at work and they can amuse themselves while you write. Just tell them that you can’t be disturbed. Remove yourself from the common area of the living room and write while in bed. Write where you can’t hear the television. Write where you can’t hear the children. BUT JUST WRITE!!!! Don’t you understand? If you make a real go at this thing it could happen you know. You could publish a book. What if it made some money? You can make money at this you know. People do it all the time, so why not you? Have the belief in yourself that you can do it. That you’re talented enough and that you’ll do the work! Enough stalling. You can come up with excuses why you’ll never write your book forever!! The time is now!! You need this!! I need this!! I’ve been sleeping for too long!! I want to be active and awake and I want people to listen to me because I know we have a lot of good things to say and I know that people will want to hear it because they’re struggling just like we are and that’s what makes us all human and it’s about time that we point that out to them so that we can all see our humanness and embrace it and stop fighting each other and starting helping one another and helping the earth and making this place better for our children so that they won’t struggle to pursue their passions as we do!!! See what a little writing practice can do?

WOMAN: I must say that felt good. I’ve missed you. I’m sorry I kept you locked up for so long. I had no idea. I was consumed by others. Not by them so much but with them. I didn’t really miss myself until recently. I was so concerned with my boys that I didn’t even think about myself. I just wanted to witness every moment and take in as much as I could regarding them. I guess I just kind of forgot about you. I’m sorry. I really am. Maybe that’s why I’ve been so grumpy lately. I’ve been keeping you locked away and finally I started hearing the knocking at the door, but I didn’t know what to do about it. I knew what I wanted to do, but couldn’t see how and still keep what I already had. But I guess I can’t. Things will have to change a little bit. I’ll have to make the time and that means that maybe the vacuuming will have to wait until tomorrow. Maybe I’ll do just one load of laundry today. Maybe it won’t be so bad if the boys watch the Diego movie one more time. And I think it’s about time they started sleeping in their own beds and going to bed at an actual “bedtime.” Things are going to have to change. But I need all of you. I’m not just a woman. Or a mother. Or a wife. Or a writer. I’m all of these people and it’s time for me to embrace each one with joy and give you all the attention you deserve. I’m going to try. No. I’m not going to try because trying implies that I’m not doing. I’m going to do it.
I’M GOING TO WRITE EVERYDAY.

WRITER: Good. That’s all I’m asking. You can do it. I know you can. You’ll find a way to make the time. And I think when you do this and you see your success you’ll do more. You’ll get the kids to bed earlier and in their own beds. You’ll start working out and feeling better emotionally and physically. Put in the effort. This could be big. This is big. This is your life and it’s only what YOU make of it. Stop sitting around. Life is a verb. (Is that a Nike commercial?) Whatever it is, it’s true. It’s time for a turn around and there’s no better time than now. There is no other time than now. If not now, when?

WOMAN, WRITER, MOTHER, WIFE: I will make a change. I will start living a real life. The life I have envisioned. Everyone will benefit. This is not an act of a selfish person, but one who listens to her heart and fulfills her dreams.

I WRITE EVERYDAY. I WRITE EVERYDAY. I WRITE EVERYDAY BECAUSE IT'S WHO I AM.