Inside My Bag

I tend to avoid talking about myself in front of people I don’t consider that close. I’m quite open with my closest friends and especially with my boyfriend. No one knows me as well as he does. Neither my family does. It is as though there is a wall between them and me. Not everyone knows how depressed I get. Most people who know me probably think that I’m quite happy because I tend to put on a mask when I am at work or when I am with people who hardly know me.

At times I tend to build a wall even with my boyfriend when I’m so down. I hurt the person I love most in this world…and I just don’t know why. I tend to cry a lot and feel at ease only when I’m at home, far away from others who judge me. I have been judged all my life by my family and have never got any encouragement or any positive comment from them. Thus, I feel that all I do is wrong and do not accept good feedback from others. I feel that everyone is telling me a lie so that I will feel better.

I’m always available when a friend needs me. I tend to leave whatever I am doing to be of help to others. I tend to trust people a lot, and I end up getting hurt a lot of times.

The part I like least about myself is that I hold a lot of grudges and I tend to judge people a lot, probably so that I will feel better if I compare myself to them. (I have a low self-esteem).

I like keeping photos and even letters which make me remember the good memories. I like keeping pictures of myself smiling when I’m with friends or with my boyfriend, probably because I do not smile a lot. I really long to be happy!

I would like to change a lot of things in my bag…but I think that I have to learn to accept myself as I am first.