Sunday Funnies #4

Wow, today is going to be just chock full of stuff, courtesy of the good old L.A. Times. I was sort of worried the past couple of weeks, but today’s paper got me going!

WARNING....SEXUAL TOPICS BEING DISCUSSED If this offends you, please don't go on reading.

Notice my new graphic? The lovely vivacious is the generous donor. I just love it!

Where to begin? If the topic of the story makes you squeamish, perhaps you should quit here. If I don’t ramble on too much, I’ll try to include some of the other wealth of chuckles I got today, so scroll down quickly to see. (Never mind, I can already tell this topic is a gold mine.)

How about the “Erotica Expo”? I mean there is no place like the Sunday paper to get your libido jumping! It seems that at the L.A. Convention Center is home to it this year. Our esteemed staff writer for the Times, Robin Abcarian, has seen fit to give us a couple of pages on the goings on. Gee, don’t know how my Sunday Sex Life would have been kick-started without it.

It seems the venue this year features all kinds of exhibits and demonstrations of various techniques for having some real fun in the bedroom. And all this time I thought it was for watching television and sleeping. Who knew?

Up first….ahem…. uhhhh, featured prominently then, is Georgia Payne groan, a dominatrix, and her volunteer from the audience, Tom, last name not revealed why not, in case we wanted a more one-on-one interview? Miss Payne wanted to demonstrate the fine art of spanking. That it is even placed in the category of “fine art” is baffling, since they banned that particular “art” in schools, therefore I would imagine in most “fine art galleries” too. But, bypassing the obvious “chicken” references (OMG, too many puns there too), as the writer said, “…contrary to what you might think, it is not as simple as it looks.” Somebody should have told my mother. I guess, according to the aforementioned expert, one hand should be cupped (we are not talking around a beer either), not flat, and positioned on the lower part of the…errr….bum….fanny…ummmm….buttocks, never on the top, or the leg, or never ever near the tailbone. She also said, “If your husband went to Catholic School he’s probably secretly dying for it.” HUH? Well, if you just returned from church, sorry! Miss Payne also demonstrated on her own cross-dressing, Chatsworth (a city), geologist husband, Greg, “hog-tying.” Oh, “SA-WEET…or is it SU-EEEE-T?” Dearest hogtied Greg went on to say (presumably this hog-tying doesn’t include a mouth-gag, but she may want to consider it in the future), “At our wedding two years ago.." I can only imagine the fun at that reception, ..."my wife wore a red dress, I wore a white one.” GULP… The Times informs us that yes, his mother wept. OMG, I would imagine so, at the very least. Some women will endure anything to get their sons married off!

Apparently this year, the organizers have tried to appeal to women. Oh yeah, I could tell right off, because we all want to whack our hubbies upside the…head now and then, but why confine the area…when we might find it helpful to have instructions for whacking him upside the other brain? Good thinking. They spent 90% of their $300,000 budget towards women, buying ad time on The Lifetime Channel and the Oxygen Network. Couldn’t have gotten some good press by…oh.. say helping out a Rape Center or something?

Here is what the Saturday line-up of seminars included; “The Straight Girls Guide to Sleeping With Chicks”, yet another chicken reference?, “A Practical Guide to Striptease”, as opposed to The Impractical Guide…, and of course, “Naked Chocolate: The Astonishing Truth About the World’s Greatest Aphrodisiac.” Is chocolate considered dressed when it is still in the wrapper?

Speaking of candy, among the various ones sold, were chocolate shaped body parts on sticks ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwand derriere shaped butterscotch bites (marketed by milkmaid outfitted gals, “here, have a piece of…..”).

In a very telling statement, the sex-expert (and acquaintance of yours truly), Dr. Pepper Schwartz, a University of Washington sociologist said, “If you think about it (and who doesn’t spend oodles of time consumed by this?), 90% of the sex toys manufactured are for women. “ Well, is that any real surprise to we women? Come on guys, take the hint already. Absolutely no offense meant to any of MY readers, who I am sure are very good to their women, giving them no reason to er….ummmm, geez Nada, shut up, you are making this worse, if possible.

I’m going to leave you with some interesting news for writers; the Publishing houses known for their romantic, bodice-ripping tomes, are now turning to more graphic erotic tales. Yup:
1. Harlequin has launched Spice Books.
2. Kensington Books has Aphrodesia
3. Avon, and imprint of HarperCollins acquired an erotica line, Avon Red.

Okay, honestly, there is a whole lot more contained within the article, like the many booths full of plastic genitalia and other “in-your-face” products….yes, I am quoting the newspaper, opportunities to have your photo taken with a porn star…oh fabulous, just the kind of thing to display on your wall of photo memories alongside Aunt Mildred and the fourth grandchild…well, as you can see, a wealth of stuff, but as not to get the lovely vivacious ’s new graphic too tainted, I shall leave you with this…. “Even Jesus Loves Porn Stars” , according to the cover of The New Testaments being passed out by an anti-porn Christian outreach effort which also has a booth at the show.

America….where you can do nearly everything but pray in school.