Say What You Mean

Length: 2 min
Type: contemporary
Character: Sarah
Age: Teen and up
Setting: speaking to her boyfriend


There's more said in what we don't say than what we do. Like the other day when you said "No, Sarah, I don't want to break up--I just think we need a little break from each other."

I nodded and I could tell from how you looked at me that you thought I was okay with it.
My nod really meant: I'm at a loss for words. You told me you loved me, and nowo you're sitting here telling me you want to break up, but you're just too chicken to tell me. Maybe you've got your eye on someone who may turn you down, so you want me for back up.

You smiled, put your arm around me, and then said,

(mimicking boyfriend) "See, now that's why I could never leave you! You're so understanding."

I sort of smiled, sort of shrugged. Just yesterday, you said you loved me. I didn't even see this coming. I still didn't know what to say to you, and obviously you thought I was offering understanding because you put your arm around me and grinned. But I was thinking, How can I be so in love with you when you don't have enough respect for me to be true to me, or even respect me enough to give me a real and decent break up? Maybe you haven't cheated behind my back, but obviously you have some reason for wanting to "see other people." I finally found my voice.

I said, "I don't like it, Colin." I must have looked worried because suddenly you were trying harder to convince me that it could be a likable situation. We'd still see each other sometimes, but not exclusively.

You held me and said, (mimic) "Oh, baby. I don't want to hurt you, you know that. I just don't want us getting too serious too fast and ruining the great thing we've got. Maybe if we see other people for awhile, you know? We'll know it's real between us."

I laughed. You thought I was laughing at what you said, but I was laughing at me. I was thinking, I'm so crazy about you, I'm almost willing to buy this!

And then that song my mom used to play in the car all the time, 'Cathy's Clown,' I think it's called; well, that came into my head. I don't remember all the words but I had this visual of me walking around behind you and some princess hanging on your arm, and there I was--dressed as a clown and waving at everybody, throwing candy to them. Silly I know, but it was just . . . so stupid, it just made me laugh.

I laughed until tears streamed down my cheeks. I couldn't stop laughing, even though now, that same thought isn't remotely funny. Maybe I was in shock that we were breaking up--because I knew in my heart that's what it was even if you didn't have the guts to tell me straight out.

"What's so funny?" you asked, getting all mad, puffing out your chest like you were some big man. I just kept laughing and then I cried. Your face got all weird like you didn't know whether to be mad at me, or hug me. I cried and ran. You came after me, and said how sorry you were, that maybe it was a bad idea. You said you really didn't want to hurt me, and if this break would break us up for good, then we didn't need to do it.

And now, here I am wanting to break up with you because I know in my heart you don't love me. You don't respect me. You're only staying out of guilt. If you ask me, that's just asking for trouble. You'd end up resenting me and seeing other people anyway, whether I knew about it or not.

What we had sure looked like love. But that's not an accurate barometer I guess. I think it would be better if we said what we really mean instead of trying to be all sweet about it, and keep up the appearance of a great relationship when we both know your heart isn't it. You don't love me. You don't hate me. You just like me enough not to hurt my feelings, but if you stay, you will.

I love you and me both. I couldn't make either of us live through some weird torture. You dating other girls while you're still sort of with me, would hurt so much, I can hardly breathe just thinking of it. You staying with me and only me when that isn't what you truly want or need would be torture for you, and ultimately, me too.

You may have lost your love for me, even your respect for me, but I haven't. I still love me. I still respect me. So, I'm giving you want, and what it turns out I want too. Let's take a break from each other.

Permanently.