Invasion Idol: The Second Season

Invasion Idol The Second Season

UN HEADQUARTERS, NEW YORK CITY – Thousands of Invasion Idol hopefuls flooded New York City in hopes of following in last season’s winner Iraq’s footsteps. They came from all over the world in hopes of impressing the Invasion Idol judges Karl Rove, Condi Rice and Donald “Rumdawg” Rumsfeld.

Some were very good, like Syria with its occupation of Lebanon, and others were not so good such as Albania’s attempt to make a car bomb with a Yugo that failed horribly when the car wouldn’t start. When the dust cleared, five countries were chosen as this year’s finalists. This time around the field is wide open and it’s still anyone’s game. And now on to the contestants:

IRAN: One of the fab three known as “The Axis of Evil,” Iran was narrowly beat out by Iraq last season in a contest that was riddled with accusations of rigged voting and various frauds. Ayatollah Ali Khamenei is back this time and is convinced that Iran will emerge victorious this time because of his country’s increased anti-USA rhetoric.

“Last year was a joke,” a confident Khamenei said. “Everyone knew that the contest was rigged. I mean c’mon, Iraq? Everyone knows Iran is where the danger is and it will be proven this time around.”

SYRIA: “You never know which Syria is going to show up,” Rice said. “Is it going to be the Syria that harbors terrorists and pretends to cooperate with us or the Syria that harbors terrorists and doesn’t pretend to cooperate us?”

President Bashar al-Assad has successfully headed what could be considered one of the most schizophrenic military-controlled republics the world has ever seen. On one hand, the eye-doctor turned military leader is capable of coming off as a pro-west reformist, yet on the other hand the old power in the country seems to be out to topple the west at all costs.

“The specifics with Syria are a little fuzzy,” said Rumsfeld, “but we’ve invaded for less before.”

NORTH KOREA: Even with its status as a member of the Axis of Evil, North Korea finds itself the most ignored threat to national security. Playboy despot and Yoko Ono look-a-like Kim Jong-Il has technically done everything by the book when it comes to fashioning himself in the image of a James Bond villain, yet has not gotten any love from the judges in the past.

North Korea was on the path to an early exit again this season until Kim decided to wow the judges in the prelims by busting out a William Hung-esque rendition of “She Bangs” in which he actually launched test nukes during each chorus.

“I don’t much care for you,” Rove said, “but you will make for good comic relief. Say it, Rumdawg.”

“Baby, you’re going to DEFCON 1!”

ANTARTICA: While not actually a country and not actually inhabited by humankind, the frozen continent is proving to be this year’s dark horse favorite. The leader of Antarctica’s ruling faction, Morak the Penguin King, impressed the judges with his fantastical claims of eco-terrorism.

“We have the hole in the ozone layer and we will find a way to move it over America,” said the talking penguin, which isn’t at all weird.

FRANCE: France made it to the finals despite not showing up to any of the casting calls, preliminary rounds or anything else. In fact, the only contact with Invasion Idol headquarters came in the form of a written statement that said, “Enough already. The whole French-hating thing is getting kind of old. Seriously, don’t you rednecks have anything better to do?”

Rove said that President Bush was not pleased with the tone.

“The president has read the French statement and he is not pleased. He is invoking executive privilege to ensure France makes it to the finals. He has also decreed that the dirty, nasty thing young people should wait until they are married to do will henceforth be known as “freedom kissing” and the president and first lady have suspended the use of their French Tickler.”

Challenge #1:
For the first round of the competition, the competitors were told to make the case for them being a potential threat to America. Morak the Penguin King was first up and immediately tried to play up the danger factor of his species.

“My people can cripple America. Take software as a good example. Microsoft is the gold standard for the evils of capitalism. It is no coincidence that Linux uses the penguin as a symbol for its cost-free communist operating system. If economic actions fail, as Linux has, we can resort to violence just like in the Bud Ice commercials.”

“Do you mean the ‘doo-bee-doo-bee-doo’ commercials from a few years back?” asked Rice.

“Yes indeed, bride of Frankenstein,” replied Morak.

“And the penguins killed people in those commercials?” Rove asked.

“Yes,” Morak said. “They killed people for beer.”

That was good enough for the judges and Antarctica was on to the next round.
North Korea was up next and Kim Jong-Il kept it short and sweet, showing a slide show of his country’s nuclear missiles striking American elementary schools. Unfortunately that was enough for the judges, as they failed to see anything threatening about North Korean nukes aimed at first graders. Rumsfeld summed up the attitude when he said, “Dawg, I just ain’t feelin’ it.”

This put North Korea on the bubble, something that did not sit well with Kim.
Syria was next in line. Al-Assad made repeated pleas to the judges to spare his country and that he would help the US in any way possible, but every time he vowed cooperation an elder member of the Syrian military regime would pop up in the background with another picture of a noted terrorist that may or may not be hiding out in the country.

France, as expected, did not show up for the first round. Rove expressed the shared opinions of the judges with the following statement:
“France’s continued refusal to act in the best interests of the United States of America is a clear indication of the dangerous nature of this rogue nation. They will move on in the competition.”

Iran took the stage last to make its case for invasion. Khamenei wowed the judges with claims that even though Iran’s nuclear program appears to be limited to only power plants, the country “might” be making nuclear arms that they “could” sell or give to terrorists.

Kim Jong-Il busted into Khamenei’s presentation with definitive proof that North Korea already had nuclear weapons and would finance the sale of those weapons to anyone with a working phone and current checking account.

“Good credit, bad credit, no credit! I’m practically giving them away,” Kim exclaimed as security removed him from the building.

When the dust settled, North Korea was the first country to be eliminated under the continuing Bush doctrine of “Ignore it and it will go away.”

ROUND #2:
The challenge of the second round was for the remaining countries to come up with a physical demonstration of their threat potential. The hope of the judges was that one country would really step it up and separate them from the pack.

Iran was first up for the judges. Much to their surprise, Khamenei walked out without any documentation or video footage. He walked to the center of the stage and said, “Iran just sold plutonium to Osama bin Laden…or did we?”

Rice asked Khamenei if he had any proof of such a transaction and Khamenei said he did not.

“Well that’s good enough for us,” Rove said and excused the Ayatollah.

Morak the Penguin King was up next and he showed the judges photographs of Antarctica’s first warship. The craft was made out an iceberg and held almost 4,000 penguin commandos. Unfortunately the penguin navigation systems weren’t up to snuff and the ship crashed into the shore just after launch. The judges were less than impressed and that put Antarctica’s invasion dreams in jeopardy.

Syria continued to send mixed messages with their demonstration. Al-Assad set up a pro-American rally while members of his regime funneled in a wave of fighters for the Iraqi insurgency. Syria’s clearly unclear position on American policy left the judges confused and ready to cut Syria.

That is until France was a no-show again, not through protest of the competition but because the nation had been destroyed by a North Korean nuclear strike. This did help the judges decide on the three finalists, though, which is good because the judges get headaches when they have to do too much thinking.

Round #3:
The final three contestants had to impress the judges in the final round by presenting the potential spoils of war. It had been rumored that the judges had already made their decision and that round three was pretty much a formality. Regardless, Morak the Penguin King led off the round three presentations.

“Antarctica is a land of great mystery,” said the penguin, which still wasn’t odd to the judges. “We could have gold or oil or even super rich uranium beneath our frozen plains. Who knows? But we do have one thing no one else does – The South Pole.”

“It would be pretty sweet to own the South Pole,” Rumsfeld said to his fellow judges as the Penguin King left the stage.

Unfortunately tragedy struck the competition once again as North Korea destroyed both Iran and Syria with tactical nuclear strikes. In a message from Pyongyang, Kim Jong-Il demanded that the United States invade his country based on the global destruction he had perpetrated with his nuclear arsenal.

“I will no longer be ignored,” Kim said in the statement. “My country has brazenly and boastfully built a nuclear arsenal capable of true mass destruction. Too long have I sat back and watched America invade or threaten to invade other nations based on misguided, trumped up claims of possible weapons of mass destruction. Weapons inspectors in Iraq told the United Nations that they could find no evidence of weapons of mass destruction in Iraq and even after the mighty United States military thoroughly defeated the Iraqi regime there were no weapons to be found. I am not hiding. Do you want to see my weapons? Just go on the internet. I take new pictures every day and have my webmaster put them up for the world to see. I will gladly take any weapons inspectors on a tour of my facilities myself. Invade me now!”

It was up to the judges to decide what to do with the contest. Antarctica was the only contestant left after North Korea’s systematic nuclear obliteration of every other competitor, but North Korea was eliminated from the contest in the first round. After hours of closed-door deliberations, Karl Rove made his announcement.

“It saddens me that sportsmanship fell by the wayside in this year’s competition. We had some really talented contestants this year and we were looking forward to a serious competition to determine the destination of our next unpopular war.

Unfortunately we are left with no choice but to invade Antarctica. The option of considering North Korea as a potential target was discussed, but in the end we find the threat of penguin commandos to be much more serious than anything North Korea is capable of. We don’t have the proper cold weather gear for such an invasion, but on the bright side we don’t have enough soldiers so it all works out.”

An elated Morak expressed his pleasure with the judges’ decision as he left the Invasion Idol studio at U.N. Headquarters.

“Nobody gave us a chance, but Antarctica has proven that she is ready to be a major player on the world stage. Hopefully those Americans are ready to face my penguin commandos. Victory is ours. The glaciers of my country will be red with the frozen blood of the imperialistic invaders.”

Kim Jong-Il was unavailable for comment, having retreated to his hollowed-out volcano lair to plan his strategy for the next season of Invasion Idol.