My Face Will Haunt You

Dreamt in March '06 Part of my Dream Journal

         All I could feel was despair and impending doom. I stood there by the window in silence. Glancing to my left I saw my aging grandfather, and I watched as he laced up his boots and then began to load his gun. It was large and intimidating. Thoughts of how I loathed guns entered my mind, yet I accepted that they were of necessity. Our lives would depend on it, or they would cease on the receiving end of one. The bare walls of the tiny house flickered in the candlelight. This was not our home, for we were on a journey to the east. It was a journey to our homeland of Russia. Because this place was remotely located we had both felt safe enough to stay through winter. That was over now.

         First it was the headlights gleaming into the window that I noticed. The sound of the gravel outside came alive, and I was certain they were approaching. With a swift kiss on my cheek, grandfather bravely headed out the door.

         I nervously peaked through the window. There were civilian-clothed men piled within the bed of a dark pickup truck. In my amazement I thought there must be at the least fifteen of them. Suddenly my eye caught somebody else coming from the side of the house. Despite the dim lighting I saw that he was one of the German soldiers. My lips parted to scream for my grandfather to turn around, but not a sound came out. Within a fraction of a second there was a wave of bullets flying from the soldier’s gun. Grandfather fell to his knees, and then collapsed onto the ground.

         On the floor behind me lay my infant son asleep, who was not more than four months old and wrapped in blankets. I ran to him and scooped him up into my arms. In a pure panic my mind scanned all possible routes to get out of the house. I was already certain that the back door was not an option, knowing that there would surely be more soldiers surrounding the back. Fleetingly, I had a vision of jumping out of the window, right through its glass. Logically this was absurd, but in the moment it seemed plausible. Even if I made it outside there was no cover, only open plains for miles. I decided against it.

         A bathroom was the only other room in the house. Following my instincts I rushed into it, and placed the baby in the tub. I took the thinnest blanket and lay it on top in an attempt to mask him. The Germans did not know about the infant. He would remain able to breathe, and if he slept they may not find him. There were people coming to see us within a day or two; they would rescue my son. Without us they would continue in the springtime to accompany the Jews we were hiding to Russia.

         After taking a final look at the infant I returned the main room. I watched as the locked door shook from the force of the soldiers attempting to break it open. The fact that grandfather had thought to lock it made me smile, remembering how forgetful he became when in a rush. Directly in front of it I stood. I was absolutely certain they would kill me, and from what I had seen I was certain it would be a shot in the forehead. Decisively I thought, “I want you to look me in the eyes when you shoot me. I want my face to haunt you!”